Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Yes. Nailed it.

No. Not nailed it. OP misses her family.

I think its bigger than she just misses her family.

It's that she can see the experience of daily conditional love that they are denying their DCs from a close extended family experience from this move. She referenced it in her recent post of being home recently and seeing the affection and interaction her youngest child experienced on that visit.

This might not be important to people who either dont have a loving, supportive family - many people move away from indiffernt or dysfunctional extended families - or its the sacrifice they make for on balance a better or different life experience - which might well be substantial. In the OPs case it seems her DH can train anywhere (dont know if the financial rewards re disposable income in Oz are better or not or if career opportunities are better or not).

It sounds like her DH loves the lifestyle and maybe has hobbies that he couldnt persue to the same extent in the UK which seem to be his 'dream'. The OP has been busy building friendships, exploring and immersing herself in the lifestyle and has concluded that it doesnt make up for the opportunity for her DCs to have their loving extended family in their lives.

He DH on the other hand has renaged on his commitment to review after a year and has told her to go home with the DCs. That must be absolutely devasting for her.

They went out there in partnership and with and agreement - and he is backtracking so such an extent that he is prepared to split his family on either side of the planet just so he can persue his hobbies (as seems the move wasnt make or break for career). I dont understand how OP can describe him a s a great DF when he is prepared to throw them all under the bus.

Exactly.

Living in an exciting place like central Melbourne or Sydney could be as isolating as living in a seaside town in Queensland if it's having her extended family near that the OP's missing.

Um...she came here for advice. If she choses not to give a fuller picture of where she actually lives on the vast continent I feel it has some bearing on how much it is affecting her. My friend lives near Townsville and struggles with the humidity, making real friends and the difficulty in finding a job. She has been there for over 10 years and is still struggling and yearns to be somewhere like Sydney where she feels she could have 'a life'. She is devoted to her husband too.
I'm not in dispute about her missing her family. What I don't fully understand is how she ever managed to agree to the decision to move to the other side of the world when she is so very close to her family in the UK. It really isn't just a 'Oh let's see how it goes for a year' . If you are so attached and close to your family. It was never going to work.

They went out there in partnership and with and agreement - and he is backtracking so such an extent that he is prepared to split his family on either side of the planet just so he can persue his hobbies (as seems the move wasnt make or break for career). I dont understand how OP can describe him a s a great DF when he is prepared to throw them all under the bus.

Agree with this. His answer to OP's concerns about missing family and wanting to go home was basically "Bye, then, see ya". This is reflective of how he sees the family as a whole. It's all about him and his career and how much he likes Australia.
If he really cared and was a great DF the last thing he would want is the family to be split up. He'd have answered her completely differently. "What can I do to help you? Is there anything we could do here in Australia to make things better for you? What if I took on the childcare for x hours a week while you have a few hours work or volunteering or whatever? Child isn't enjoying school - what can we do there? Can we travel home more often and would that help? Can we compromise with me finishing the training here and then we all go home? Is this non-negotiable for you, you want to go home now? Is it unbearable?"
He could have asked all sorts of things to try to get to the bottom of it and find a mutually acceptable solution.

But no, "Bye then" was basically what he said. That is not a good father and husband.

At the beginning of the thread I thought, like many others, that OP should give it a couple of years (I am also an expat though in Europe so I know it takes a while to settle), but as she's posted more I think she should go back. He cannot be trusted. And I think that the relationship isn't great and that could be causing a lot of OP's distress about missing family, even if the feelings about the relationship are still subconscious perhaps.

Yes, she is missing her family. This is really not unusual for those who have decided to emigrate.

The point is, she is risking breaking up her own immediate family, in order to live closer to her extended family.

It is all very well having all the seats at the table taken by extended family once a week for a Sunday roast. But there is a very strong chance she will be a single mother sitting at an even emptier table for 6 of the other days of the week.

There does not seem to be a fair balance of compromise. They went under the guise of staying for 4 years, for the duration of the training. That did not spring up as a surprise after now, one year. And as those of us who have ourselves emigrated AND live in that part of the world, we are all saying basically the same thing,.... that OP has not given it enough time to adjust to this now very different way of living.

OP, having this discussion again a few months down the line, is now not going to make any difference. Unless you change your mindset and start being more open to your new surroundings.

Otherwise you should start packing now.

What about intending to complete a 4 year training position is “backtracking”?

If he’d taken a year’s contract and was now saying wanted to renew without reference to OP, ok that is moving the goalposts.

But intending to fulfil the position he came for is not.

Totally agree, especially as OPs parents will be dead eventually and where will the extended family be then? She'll be on her own with her kids and her children's father will probably be living at the other side of the world. You can't base your life around your parents when you're an adult with your own family.

So, after 4 years and let’s say she still hates it and her husband still doesn’t want to move home. Who makes the compromise then? Him or her?

OP did also say that they both agreed to give it a year initially and if they were unhappy after that time they'd come back.

Where did the OP say that all she had in the UK was her parents? She could well have siblings, nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins... As well as friends.

Also, her parents could live another 30 years. Should she not move back now because her parents will be dead one day? What a bizarre stance.

This was a very bizarre reply indeed. That's like saying my partner will be dead one day so why stay here?

I do indeed have other family (sister, cousins, aunties, uncles, grandad)

This is more about my children's future. If you're looking at it like that, we will be dead one day and who will my children have here then?

I honestly don't think my partner will stay here without us. I think it was a response made in a stressful situation. I think once he actually thought it through it doesn't make sense to him. Only time will tell but like I said I'm not making this decision lightly. We will try make it as a family. To the previous posts, you can't sign up to a yearly training course. So because we didn't know how we was going to feel he shouldn't have signed up to do a 4 year one? Should we have just came and done nothing? We obviously wanted to make a go of it but until you're in this position you don't know how you will feel. Of course you can imagine. But that's different. Having a small child again changed my feelings massively. Sometimes it does take moving to the other side of the world to make you realise. And I think that's okay.

Ok, fair point.

What I don't fully understand is how she ever managed to agree to the decision to move to the other side of the world when she is so very close to her family in the UK. It really isn't just a 'Oh let's see how it goes for a year' . If you are so attached and close to your family. It was never going to work.

Because she's got a manipulative husband, the type where everything is great just so long as he's getting his own way (hence this latest flash of anger when she raises the prospect that he won't). These types are basically salesmen, adept at selling a dream and future-faking. There was never any intention on his part of returning home after a year. That was just and empty promise made as part of "securing the sale". The first part of his plan was getting her there, the second part will be trying to make her stay, including dragging it out "a bit longer" over and over, until the life back in UK has been lost because people have moved on and the DC are settled in Australia. At which point he'll refuse to let the DC leave and simultaneously will have also been grinding OP down about UK being shit/her missing DC if she goes, her being "selfish" etc. So she'll end up depressed and thinking that, unhappy as she is, what's the point in going home because it won't be any better there.

Part of selling the Australian dream would have been him going on and on endlessly about what a fantastic opportunity it is, how XYZ will definitely be so much better, how nothing can possibly go wrong and about how shit the UK is, how it's going downhill etc. All her worries will have been dismissed and ridiculous promises made (you can come back to UK every year and your family can all come here. A bit like his "go home and I'll visit lots" when she voiced her unhappiness, as if it's that simple and that fixes everything that's wrong). There'll have been some passive aggressive digs about her not being adventurous, being "too close" to her parents and clipping his wings by "her refusal to experience growth". Combine that wheedling, minor sulking and constantly going on and on whenever she's wary, with major excitement about Australia, constantly bigging it up, mega happiness when she mentions about ok maybe we could go, as if he's just won the lottery, and it's not so hard to get manipulated into decisions without fully thinking them through. Her marriage will be happier when he gets his own way and low-key not-so-great when he doesn't. So she convinced herself it's her decision too to move to Australia (because she doesn't see the manipulation), that it's what she wants. Dismissing her own worries like he dismissed them, because that's what makes her marriage run smoother and because he's made her start to doubt herself, feel silly for her concerns, question her beliefs and her ability to "choose correctly".

Men like this go through life this way, constantly. Whether it's something huge like a move to Australia or something more minor like whether to go out/stay home this Saturday, that ultimately benefits him primarily whilst she compromises as always, telling herself it doesn't really matter. It's a pattern that's played over and over in small ways throughout the relationship, essentially training the spouse to accept it. This time though, it's a huge thing, she's lost one of the most important things to her (her extended family) and realised she's made a huge mistake going along with his plans.

He’s signed up for 4 years thus he was never coming home after one, he said that to allay your concerns, you may have been kidding yourself.

I’d think it’s possible he will come back once the is training complete, but he’s not likely to come back before that. Restarting his training in U.K. will be an enormous hassle and he’s clearly enjoying it there.

So OP, what exactly was your reasoning behind the move to Australia? I understand from your post that you are an unmarried couple with 2 small children, the youngest of whom can only have been about 6 months old when you travelled.
Surely, if you wanted family support, you would have waited?
Also how did you qualify for entry to the country? I thought that Australia had quite strict criteria about who it lets in?
On a different topic, are there no babysitters in Australia for you to get some time with your boyfriend? What about friends and neighbours or "adopting" a granny? Young children are pretty adaptable and benefit from relationships with all sorts of people, not just blood relatives.
What about starting in initiative of your own, such as a children's group, singing group or book group?
You implied that you are somewhere remote and hot, would a move to a larger town or city be an option?
As for children not understanding online video communication, please do not be naive. Are you subconsciouly telling us that you do not wish to facilitate or establish this? Agreed, there is a significant time difference, but it is not insurmountable.
If I were your boyfriend I would be thinking seriously about marrying you, as you only seem to want to do things that make you happy.
What did your family say, when you announced that you were heading off to the antipodes? Were they supportive, enthusiastic or neutral (I was going to write disinterested, but the vast majority on here do not known that its real meaning is impartial)?
If you were now to return to the UK with your children, would you still be able to be an SAHM? Would your boyfriend fund you as well as the children? How long for?
I wonder if the boyfriend's suggestion that you and the children return to the UK is based on his realisation that as a (young), single, man his future prospects look very good where he is currently.

Bland and warm.. hmmm. That you have moved with , it seems, little exploration or understanding of what would be required in terms of adjustment and now little willingness to try is one thing, calling a vast continent of 20 million people with 2-3 major cities and extensive western and indigenous cultural offerings 'warm and bland' is quite another. You are homesick, and all sympathy to you for that , but is your UK family a fair exchange for your marriage? Sounds like the threat is within , and its not from your husband.

Blimey -bitter much? With all that detail too, are you telling on yourself?

And she should have worked that out before she moved ,for 1- 4 years, to the other side of the world.

She thought she would adjust and it would be ok. It is OK to get things wrong and make mistakes.

It is a massive move and one you don’t know how you will feel/cope with until you do it. The agreement was to do a year and see how it is going. That is fair.

I lived many years as a trailing spouse with lots of country changes, we always agreed that is either of us was unhappy we would go back to the UK. You have to have that trust in the other person that they mean this for it to work.

People seem to be taking it as a personal insult to their country that the OP isn’t happy. It really isn’t. Culture shock is real and some people adjust and others don’t. One isn’t better than the other, just different. And you don’t know how you will adjust until you try it.

I agree. So many PP's are talking as though the move to Australia ought to be irreversible and that not wanting sticking it out is some kind of failing. Whereas, OP and her DH always agreed to review it after a year. OP gave it a go and found that she and her older child preferred living in the UK. Those feelings are perfectly valid!

The OP has repeatedly said she thinks her DP said that in anger and didn’t actually mean it or would go through with it. Given that she hadn’t reported any further conversation with him I think we have to respect that she knows him best.

One thing I would be interested to know is whether he is missing his family in the UK.

He’s signed up for 4 years thus he was never coming home after one, he said that to allay your concerns, you may have been kidding yourself.

If that is true then it reflects badly on the DH rather than the OP.

It may reflect lack of communication; and a lack of realism on both sides.

If someone takes what’s effectively a 4 year contract (whether or not it is in actual fact), if they say - they can return after a year if necessary- they’re still expecting to fulfil their contract, otherwise why take it?