To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

Agree.

if you can’t tell dh then don’t tell anyone in real life

no friends or family

If you feel like this is something you can take with you to the grave, don’t tell him. But I can imagine he’d be more hurt if he finds out a few years down the line.

I’m very firmly in the ‘your body, your choice, don’t tell him if it will make things difficult’ camp.

I just asked my husband what he thought, as he’d implied previously that he would struggle with the idea of a termination, even though he wouldn’t have wanted another child. His comment was interesting - if he was signed up to you being on the pill, then that’s the agreement, no child. You’re taking active steps to prevent pregnancy, which he is aware of, therefore if the contraception fails there is no expectation to go ahead with the pregnancy. If it will upset him and he will feel he cannot agree to a termination, then don’t give him the opportunity to derail it.

As an accidental mum of 3 (second pregnancy was twins, we had only planned on 2 children) I can attest to how difficult 3 children is. We had to get a bigger car, new pushchair, an extra cot, high chair etc etc. I had to take a 3 year career break after my maternity leave had ended, and life is set up for families of 2 + 2, so 5 people is a pain and more expensive.

I also feel I never have enough time for each of my children, and when all 3 are together there is always one feeling left out. This is definitely a decision for your head.

Good luck with it all.

Of course it's OPs decision, that remains true regardless of her husband's opinion.

But to decide that he doesn't even get to know? Nah. That's not a relationship I'd want to be in - and so I would have to reciprocate in kind.

I feel for you OP, you seem to have been thrown into a position that will really test whether your marriage is solid. If you don't feel like you can tell him, that's not a good sign.

Nothing to add in the way of advice but didn’t want to read and run. Wishing all the best for you op it is your body and your reasons are valid ❤️

He doesn't have a right to any information or to pressure you into any decision. It's your body. This is not a baby, it's a bunch of cells that depend on you to become a baby. A baby that you have to carry, birth, breastfeed and care for, alongside your other 2 boys, while you career and freedom go to shit.

Have an abortion. If it goes wrong, tell him it was a miscarriage. A friend had a horrible miscarriage that needed surgery to remove everything so it's perfectly believable.

Why would dh see her medical records?

He may be her husband, but she is an adult and he has no legal rights, even under a LPOA to see her medical history, unless she has expressly given that right to him ( and I know doctors are reluctant even where advance directive given my experience with sectioned husband who did have advance directive )

Someone could be struck off for that

no, he has no legal right to know

does he have a moral right? That is question.

You and dh were actively choosing to not have a child

people get confused these days with all the talk of “ choosing to have children”. Nope, pregnancy happens as default from sex ( unless sadly infertility )

he has already made that active decison to not have more kids, he expects you to take care of managing that with contraception. He must know that can fail. Yet another bloke that hasn’t taken responsibility by getting vasectomy once family complete.

so, you are now moving to next stage of sticking to that agreement, because regrettedly pill failed. That happens . It’s why abortion was made available to women
you don’t need his “permission”, or even tell him. You are continuing to do the job you both already agreed…stopping any pregnancy

And when he finds and believe me he will, she’ll be served divorce papers! Then she will be left raising 2 children on her own! She needs to have an honest discussion with him!

To turn it on its head she equally could have had a tubal ligation! Both are equally responsible and need to decide together.

To you it may be a huge secret…

but, for many women, it is a regrettable but necessary and pragmatic decision. Done early in pregnancy when you’re talking about embryonic cells, some people won’t feel any different than a late heavy period that may have been a spontaneous miscarriage…and literally 10,000 women all over the world have those without viewing it as a “huge” thing that they think about for rest of their lives.

sure, an early miscarriage for a long awaited pregnancy is a devastating for some women…but don’t assume that an early abortion is a “ huge” emotional weight awomen will carry and think about for rest of her life, and slip out to her husband. It implies she should feel guilty …

I would rather divorce my husband than have another child.

He could equally leave and leave her jobless and penniless with 3 kids.

Of course he needs to know! What happens if she reacts to the drugs used in a chemical termination or if she has a VTOP and her uterus gets ruptured? This type of deception generally gets found out! OP is also underestimating the psychological impact of a termination!

Goodness me. Early terminations means taking a pill and as numerous posters have said, many women have zero guilt.

But BPAS can advise on that better than we can.

What about the psychological impact of someone OP loves pressuring her to go ahead with the pregnancy?

Why should she have to continue to accept full responsibility for preventing pregnancy..as I assume she did previously to her other kids too? Tubal ligation is more invasive, more likely to have complication, and takes longer to recover..this plays straight into the “ poor man” he’s going to feel some discomfort…well she’ll feel a blimmin more discomfort if emotionally blackmailed into childbirth, and has already sucked up all the discomfort of pill taking, growing a child inside her (twice) childbearing etc.
someone has to take the actual hit to stop pregnancy…and he could have stepped up..he didn’t.

He’s the father, he has a right to know

Medical records are private.

Pretty sure you can still access abortion pills anon or so it doesn’t appear on your medical records. You make the decision you need for you, if he’s going to pressure you to do otherwise, he doesn’t get to know.

My multiple miscarriages were only ever relevant when I was being tested for blood-clotting issues following a pulmonary embolism. Medical records are not open season for anyone to have a flip through when the fancy takes them. They are strictly confidential.

If he's a pretty absent parent & you are at your limit with 2 then it seems the only option.

It's easy or him to want another if he's barely affected!

OP there is so much hysteria on this thread. In real life lots of women have done this as after there partners like your DH never had to consider the physical, emotional and practical aspects of pregnancy and parenthood.

If you want to do this, you can keep it quiet then he never needs to find out. It’s a poor reflection on him that you can’t talk about it.

sorry but I think it’s an unforgivable thing to lie about in a marriage. He has a right to know. No one’s fault obviously since you were on the pill - if you want the termination stand your ground and tell him and don’t back down but he should still know

When men suffer morning sickness, giving birth, sore boobs, flabby stomach, afterpains, prolapse, breastfeeding, post birth blues, bleeding for weeks...then they can make the choice about having another child. Until then it is you that gets to make the decision.

Under lasting power of attorney if someone loses capacity the attorney has the right to deal with medical matters and access to appropriate medical information. When I had to use the LPA for my elderly mum, who has dementia, there were several things in her medical history I had had no idea about previously. So it can happen - not that it would impact on OP in that situation but it would certainly impact on her DH if it came to light. Having said that I’m not sure whether a termination would routinely appear on medical records these days.