To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

Same. I can’t see bringing my DH in matters like this. If it was very serious like terminal cancer, then probably yes. And then there would be bigger issues than an abortion years ago. In my experience doctors don’t tend to discuss medical history much in general. They’ll ask questions relevant to the issue at hand and that’s it. What’s even the actual point of discussing previous pregnancies in detail prior to hysterectomy 🤔 I think the risk of ”getting caught” accidentally is quite small and I get the OP.

This is my nightmare.

I have two boys (my DP would like another) but I don’t think I can do it.

if I was pregnant I’d have to tell him, I couldn’t keep it a secret… no judgement but just think about how you’d feel about that secret for the next 50 years.

I think I’d end up just having it to be honest, not because I wanted it but because I absolutely could see the positives in the long run and I don’t think we could live with an abortion. I’m pro choice and I’ve had an abortion in the past but I think it would be difficult to get through this as a couple.

good luck op xx

eta - sorry I should also say, although I think I’d end up having it, he’d have to muck in a lot more then next time around. Please also make that clear when you discuss options.

Do you know the details of the OP's marriage? That "fallout" that you speak of so casually could impact upon her safety.

Some of the advice that I have seen here seems to have been based from the perspective of a loving and mutually supportive marriage. It's great that some women have them. But it is naive to assume that we all do and worse than that, it's dangerous.

Sharing some information with our partners could pose a risk to our safety.

Best wishes OP.

Thanks everyone. I’ve read most of these responses. Some very helpful advice here.

I made the phone call and booked in a telephone appointment. I don’t really know how I feel about the termination, I suppose we’ll find out once the time comes.

DH came home tonight and I did consider telling him, but I think I’m pretty set on my decision not to. He is lovely, he is caring, he’s honestly great but he is also quite an emotional person. He is also religious and I know that (considering I have been on the pill) he will tell me how ‘it’s all meant to be’. Not to sound too cold hearted here, but I don’t have it in me to go against his wishes and hurt him/cause problems between us. Like a few of you have said, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him (or either of us).

Just need to get through this period of time.

Well first of all I’d sort out a more reliable form of contraception going forward vasectomy maybe. I think you should tell him explain as you have on here . Not sure how you can hide it with pain, heavy bleeding afterwards not wanting sex etc. he’ll know something is up plus it will be on your medical records

Nobody has access to them, just because your married doesn't mean he can see them. Plus doctors are willing to lie to someone, as long as your safe, they will say a bunch of things - it's a natural miscarriage etc. @Tothink Don't worry about it at all. Plus the pill is reliable (things happen even when you take it perfectly) and condoms are also contraception. It's always been 99.9% not 100. You could look into a coil if you want though but again it's not 100%. Get some pads (maybe quite thick ones) and take pain medication like ibuprofen before you take the meds to help.

I preferred to deal with the sadness and emotional emptiness of having lost them by myself than have to deal with the sadness, emotional emptiness and guilt of making myself feel better/more moral at the expense of a man at best still alive but shattered. His choices would have been catastrophic and, thankfully, the law is there to protect my privacy and by extension, him.

Good luck OP. I hope you have someone you can confide in in real life. x

The fact that OP is keeping it from him because she knows he will pressure her into keeping it speaks to the fact that he absolutely doesn’t deserve to know.

But practically it’s much easier and safer for a man to have a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.

It's your body OP, you make the decision. If you do not want this baby, terminate it. There is nothing wrong with that. You have to be selfish in life. At the end of the day, it will be you giving birth and raising the child primarily. Good luck x

I think how big a secret this would be really depends on OPs view of a termination. If she can see it as a pragmatic medical decision then I agree. But not all women do and I would imagine she is conflicted about having a termination hence the post, regardless of her husbands decision. I would view it as a huge betrayal in my marriage because of my view on a termination for myself - pro choice and a woman has a right to choose clearly- but how I would personally feel if made that decision. If OP has any doubts about this decision it will be a lonely place to be without support.

Honestly in your situation I wouldn’t want to tell him either.
You know if you tell him he will guilt you in to going through with the pregnancy despite the fact the main impact will be on you.
However if you don’t tell him there’s a risk he may find out accidentally and he may find it hard to forgive.
Personally if I was set on abortion I’d do it and not tell him.
Also now you know the pill can fail it would be wise to think about your contraception . Would he get the snip?

Just to add if you decide not to tell him. I wouldn’t tell anyone at all. It only takes one person to spill the beans .

Your update is chilling..A religious man who will say "it's all meant to be". So basically force you to keep the baby.

I think you are quite right in not telling him but he doesn't sound very lovely. Make him get a vasectomy.

Come on now. The point of the thread is that it would be wrong for him to try to make OP continue with the pregnancy. So why would OP ‘make him’ get a vasectomy. She can suggest it as a permanent solution but just as with OP’s situation, the decision is his alone to make.

Make = suggest. I doubt OP can drag him to the surgery.

But something tells me he won't have one if he hasn't already.

No, 'make' doesn't equal 'suggest' - that's a slip on your part that reveals how you view this relationship dynamic should be, and now you're trying to backtrack.

Interesting, but not surprising.

Ok.
Clearly you prefer the dynamic where she gets pregnant and he says " What will be will be". Revealing too.

It isn't "chilling" at all - don't be so over-dramatic. OP's DH clearly has a deep faith which she doesn't particularly share (you can be happily married to someone for decades in spite of having a fundamental difference of opinion on something which doesn't affect your daily life). OP knows her DH couldn't support her decision for religious reasons so is taking the pragmatic decision to end the pregnancy (which would affect the entire existing family's lives) without his knowledge and to spare him the pain of knowing when he would never be able to reconcile it with his beliefs. This is a kind act by OP because she knows her DH very well and what he could/couldn't deal with. That doesn't mean he's not a lovely man - far from it - it's simply that he has a strong faith which he would struggle with if he were to know.
@Tothink Thanks for updating us OP. Your pragmatic decision makes sense to me. I can't see the point of turning your family life upside down when you can deal with this quietly by yourself, causing zero pain to your DH and minimum disruption for your existing DC. Best of luck going forward. 🤗

I disagree @AngelicKaty Putting your faith above your wife's health and happiness is chilling. Nothing can convince me otherwise.

Yes, I think it's clear no-one could convince you of something where you believe otherwise - just like OP's DH then. So can I conclude that you're not lovely?

Sure. If you think pressuring women to have children they don't want at risk to their health is lovely, I am very not lovely.
This isnt a disagreement about some minor matter.

I don't - which you would know if you'd bothered to read any of my posts, which are entirely supportive of OP's decision to terminate her pregnancy without burdening her DH with the knowledge of it when she knows he couldn't cope with it due to his religious beliefs.
It's your constant needling of OP that I object to. She knows her DH - you do not. Stop making snide judgements about a man you don't know from Adam.

It's an 11 page thread. I can't read everyone's posts or keep track.

I am not the only person to say her DH doesn't sound lovely. I said it once. I don't see it as needling but I am as entitled to say it as you are.