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Original poster

To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

555 replies

Tothink · 30/07/2025 07:31

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 15:53

HairsprayBabe · 30/07/2025 15:50

@Outside9 yes and if she had said "I do more at home because I don't work but it still feels fair DH does his share and I'm managing fine" I would agree with you.

But she didn't she said she does 95% of all the household and child rearing, all night time waking and is struggling mentally and physically while her DH works but happily gets 9 hours of sleep.

Its not the same thing really is it.

This. All day long.

TwinklySquid · 30/07/2025 15:57

Those saying your husband has a right to know are wrong. It sounds like it will upset him and he may push you to keep it. How will that benefit anyone? Maybe if he helped more, this wouldn’t be a consideration.

It’s your body. Your choice. You don’t have to discuss your health care with anyone. It won’t “come up” like some people say. Doctors don’t just announce things like that.

Do what is going to make your life, and that of your current children , acceptable.

Inyournewdress · 30/07/2025 15:57

I think he does deserve to know and should know, and you can tell him all the things you have written here. Unless he is abusive of course but there’s been no indication he is. If I were him and I later found out that I had not been told, I feel fairly sure that would be the end of the relationship for me. I feel like even if you know his input wouldn’t change your decision, he deserves to have a chance to have an input. If you know what I mean.

I do hear what you are saying about why hurt him, and obviously you feel confident that you can act alone and not share this with him ever, but somehow not telling him feels really deeply wrong.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Women's health
Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 15:58

Outside9 · 30/07/2025 15:22

Obviously. But that's not what is being communicated here.

Show quote history

How is it not ? OP has decided not to tell him because she knows he won’t support her decision. That tells us all we need to know.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 15:59

Inyournewdress · 30/07/2025 15:57

I think he does deserve to know and should know, and you can tell him all the things you have written here. Unless he is abusive of course but there’s been no indication he is. If I were him and I later found out that I had not been told, I feel fairly sure that would be the end of the relationship for me. I feel like even if you know his input wouldn’t change your decision, he deserves to have a chance to have an input. If you know what I mean.

I do hear what you are saying about why hurt him, and obviously you feel confident that you can act alone and not share this with him ever, but somehow not telling him feels really deeply wrong.

If OP tells him and he pushes her into continuing the pregnancy against her wishes (which sounds likely from what OP says) that in itself is abusive.

HairsprayBabe · 30/07/2025 16:00

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 15:59

If OP tells him and he pushes her into continuing the pregnancy against her wishes (which sounds likely from what OP says) that in itself is abusive.

Show quote history

THIS 1000 times over

Zanatdy · 30/07/2025 16:02

I’d probably do the same in your shoes OP.

Inyournewdress · 30/07/2025 16:03

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 15:59

If OP tells him and he pushes her into continuing the pregnancy against her wishes (which sounds likely from what OP says) that in itself is abusive.

Show quote history

Sorry, I may have misunderstood OP because I did not realise she felt he would do that. Apologies that may be me not reading closely enough. I suppose that to be feeling like she needs to hide this at all is not a good sign about a relationship.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 16:04

Outside9 · 30/07/2025 15:32

Yes because as she stated, she doesn't work, while her husband as she said "works so hard".

Show quote history

So you think maintaining a home and rearing two children 95% alone and being expected to be there for them during the night too isn’t work ?

Inyournewdress · 30/07/2025 16:05

Thinking about it though, if OP does feel her husband is abusive though, and would respond in an intolerable way, the relationship should probably be over whether she tells him or not.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 16:13

Inyournewdress · 30/07/2025 16:03

Sorry, I may have misunderstood OP because I did not realise she felt he would do that. Apologies that may be me not reading closely enough. I suppose that to be feeling like she needs to hide this at all is not a good sign about a relationship.

Show quote history

Strangely it doesn’t come across as though he’s overtly abusive. I think it’s more that OP knows his views on abortion and has said very forcefully that she knows he will want her to go through with the pregnancy. But the fact that she’s doing 95% of the home maintenance and child rearing herself, including through the night, is worrying. It’s as though he doesn’t see why he has to be involved and doesn’t see it for the exhausting work it is, so he wouldn’t be open to the idea that another baby would be too much for her. That, to my mind, is what would be abusive.

SockFluffInTheBath · 30/07/2025 16:15

Only things I would say OP are be extremely careful about who, if anyone, you tell irl- if no one knows then no one can ‘accidentally’ spill the beans. And do it asap, I imagine it’s easier (physically) the earlier it is. Take care of yourself.

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 30/07/2025 16:20

Outside9 · 30/07/2025 15:47

And you're not as clever as you think by attempting to divert the argument. Your arbitrary moral relativism doesn't hold weight here. We can go down the proverbial rabbit hole and do mental gymnastics to negotiate what constitutes a "right", but that's not addressing the question at hand.

My opinion stands.

Edited
Show quote history

Eh? Confused
I'm not diverting the argument, I'm discussing the alleged "right to know” nonsense that’s been repeatedly spouted on this thread by you and others. OPs DH has no legal right to know, and whether or not he has a moral right is up to her.

My opinion also stands, and I’m as entitled to express it here as you, whether or not you think it “holds weight”.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 16:21

SockFluffInTheBath · 30/07/2025 16:15

Only things I would say OP are be extremely careful about who, if anyone, you tell irl- if no one knows then no one can ‘accidentally’ spill the beans. And do it asap, I imagine it’s easier (physically) the earlier it is. Take care of yourself.

I think this is an important point. To my mind I don’t think OP can afford to tell anyone and then she has no worries about it coming out accidentally. That means it’s going to be a very lonely decision and it’ll likely take a bit of coming to terms with. I suppose only OP will know if that’s a reasonable alternative to what might ensue if she tells him. Love your username by the way.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 16:26

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 30/07/2025 16:20

Eh? Confused
I'm not diverting the argument, I'm discussing the alleged "right to know” nonsense that’s been repeatedly spouted on this thread by you and others. OPs DH has no legal right to know, and whether or not he has a moral right is up to her.

My opinion also stands, and I’m as entitled to express it here as you, whether or not you think it “holds weight”.

Show quote history

Yup. Agree. The legality is clear. The rest is up to OP and it’s her body, her decision. That’s really all anyone needs to know to ‘address the question at hand’.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/07/2025 16:29

If he was a good man, you wouldn't be so worried about telling him and thinking that he would attempt to pressure you to keep the pregnancy. He'd also be supporting you with house/child stuff when he isn't working so you aren't feeling like it is all down to you.

I'd have the abortion and not tell him but it would also have me questioning my marriage if I felt like I couldn't tell him something like this.

WhatMe123 · 30/07/2025 16:34

I'm pro it's your body op and your choice but I would worry that if you didn't tell him he'd somehow find out, say find medication packet if your took the pills at home or if you ever accidentally said something about. I think he'd been very hurt and I'd worry it would affect his trust in you. Isn't best to take a bit of time just you knowing and then tell him after you e got your head around it a bit more. Tricky situation op

Peachhearttree · 30/07/2025 16:41

He has the right to know. If this ever comes up in a conversation he will not forgive you.

SiameseBlueEyes · 30/07/2025 16:50

Personaly, in your situation I'd tell my husband. However, you know your husband better than we do and you also know what you can cope with. You have rights as a person too. Your husband might like another child but that is based on him going to work after 9 hours sleep and you doing all the donkey work. In your situation I'd have a termination and keep it quiet. I understand that once you've recovered, it's not evident on an exam that you've had a termination if you've had at least one vaginally delivery. If you do this, tell nobody - not your mum, your sister or your best friend - and accept this is a secret you take to the grave. Don't leave the test result where he can see it in the rubbish.

Hiptothisjive · 30/07/2025 16:52

I get why you wouldn’t want to tell him but I don’t agree at all.

Yea it’s your choice and yes he doesn’t get to guilt you BUT you are also in a loving marriage and he does have the right to know.

How can you base your marriage on love and trust if you do this and don’t tell him? I think that’s a serious red flag for me.

The problem is the current balance in your relationship which you haven’t addressed.

And if he ever found out for any reason - you get drunk and it slips out or who knows why I’m not sure I could come back from that level of betrayal.

Tread carefully and really think this through

101Nutella · 30/07/2025 16:54

I would tell him and lay out the truth- you want it in an ideal world but you cannot because you are unevenly managing the child rearing and house management.

i would tell him because if he found out I think it could be something someone could leave a marriage over and I’m not sure I could deal with it alone/ explain it to my children (the breakdown of my marriage) when they are older.

i also worry you would grow to resent him overtime if you didn’t have the conversation. Like in your heart you want 3 children but your ‘partner’ isn’t splitting the load so now you’re going to not have it. Would you be ok if you did go ahead then couldn’t conceive in the future? You don’t deserve to live with any regrets so I’m just asking the question to think of eventualities.

you know what’s best for you but I don’t think marriages should keep big secrets. He might want an option to change/improve. But as a partnership he should be informed. Obvs then it’s your choice.

SonK · 30/07/2025 16:57

Hey OP, I think you should tell him : )

However it is your body so your choice if you want to keep the baby or not - don't let anyone influence this decision for you x

RobertaFirmino · 30/07/2025 16:57

Your medical history is confidential. Nobody has the right to know other than you and medical professionals.

I had mine done privately, it has never appeared on my records.

My advice is to keep schtumn. What good will come from telling him? Best case scenario is a guilt trip, worst case is an unwanted child and/or divorce. Why upset someone else?

RobertaFirmino · 30/07/2025 17:01

Just to add, if you did tell him, he may very well say he'll change and pick up the slack.

Men have been telling their wives they'll change since marriage was first invented. They very rarely do.

lifeonthelane · 30/07/2025 17:07

I wouldn't be able to have a secret that huge looming over my marriage. In your shoes, I'd either tell him but be very firm that you want a termination OR suggest thay he takes his foot off the gas at work and becomes the main carer so that you can crank up your career - is this an option?