To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

OP I would do exactly what you are considering with no regrets.

Are you trolling? How is not involving him in a medical decision about her own body ‘unforgivable’?

Legally he doesn’t have the right to know. Morally is down to OP who knows him best. She’s not actively lying to him, she’s just not telling him. Lying by omission maybe but I think it’s just as unforgivable for someone to make themselves so unapproachable that their partner has to consider taking this kind of action to avoid potentially being coerced into something as serious as proceeding with an unwanted pregnancy.

Op, do you think , given your fears about if something goes wrong and you need his help, that you simply tell him that this is what you will be doing. Tell him when. Tell him why. Say it is your body your choice, it is very early pregnancy and not a “ baby”, it is cells that could spontaneously abort at this stage anyway. Say, if we need to talk about having another child then that is fine, but it needs to be a planned pregnancy, at right time when and only if you both feel it is right for you.

that way you take any responsibility away from him deliberately, and kindly.

sometimes, as you are now finding out, it is having to face a choice that is so difficult and emotional. He didn’t have-to make a choice whilst you were successfully on pill, he just let you get on with it without any emotional angst every time you took a pill. so don’t let it be a choice for him now…he’d already chosen no kids..you’re taking another medical intervention to continue that decision. Tell him , don’t make it a choice or discussion.

the discussion is after, after the dust has settled. Are you both still content with your choice to prevent any further kids…who is going to take the action to stop pregnancy if you continue to not want a child ..he needs to step up to take action with vasectomy then given pill has not been entirely successful.

personally, I would not tell him at all. But I’m 60 plus and perhaps see pregnancy, abortion, miscarriage and the sheer effort of raising my 2 DS to the ripe ages of 30 ish in a more pragmatic, less emotional view than when I was still in my child bearing younger years

@Tothink I would have a chat with your husband about these things you brought up, and explain you are struggling and you need his help. What he says would determine for me where I would go next. If his answer didn't include more help, then you know with another child, a baby, it would all be on you.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.
Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.
The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.
DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD

I'm not sure I couldn't tell my dh I was pregnant but you know yours better.

I had a surprise 3rd baby, a fair age between that one and the others. My DH was overjoyed, I burst into tears thinking I had just got ‘me’ back.
I couldn’t bear the thought of not continuing with the pregnancy because I knew I would have always wondered what they would have been like, who they would have looked like etc
If I had chosen to terminate I’m not sure my husband would have ever forgiven me he would have stood by my decision but deep down he would have been devastated and that would I think have had far reaching consequences for our marriage.
I think if I had been absolutely sure a 3rd wasn’t an option for us I wouldn’t have told him I was pregnant, which I know many would see as deceptive, but I would see it as he couldn’t be devastated over something he didn’t know about.
Our surprise baby has brought so much joy, and is really the cement for our family. They are much adored by everyone, easy going and just so lovable I couldn’t envisage our family any different now.
Your DH needs to be doing more regardless, if he has always had 9 hours sleep he obviously hasn’t been doing a fair share of night duties with the others.

You have a choice to have an abortion or not, and to tell him or not. But if you never tell him, you’re taking away his choice to be married to someone who doesn’t hide major secrets from him. You’re going to have to live with the knowledge that your marriage has turned into a lie, where he thinks things are one way and you know they’re a different way. The same as if he were secretly running up debt, or had fathered a secret child, or was making money through sex work. You will know that you’re sitting on information that will change your marriage forever, and that you’re denying him the right to make decisions about his own life based on the truth.

It's a massive, relationship-ending if it comes out, secret to keep from a partner. I thought the vasectomy comparisons were fair as well, not identical but the closest to, your body your decision, but there are other interested parties when married.

Having a baby you dont want is also relationship ending.

I'm very sorry for your losses and the embolism - I hope you've had some recovery since.

Agreed that you have a right to keep your medical records private but if I had something in there that absolutely could NOT come out I would be forever paranoid that I'd have to take extra steps to guarantee that.

My miscarriage wasn't particularly relevant when I went a vaccination clinic the other day but it was still at the very top of the computer screen in a summary box. I've also found myself giving medical declarations in front of my DH before (e.g. travel insurance renewals).

She should get the termination, just not keep it secret from her husband. Whatever fallout comes from it just needs to happen.

@Tothink I think as you were taking the pill and both of you had every intention not to conceive, I would view a termination without mentioning it to your husband as an extension of both of your intentions not to have another child, and thus not a deception if you don’t tell him about it, particularly if you are early enough to have a medical abortion. I am glad you have decided to talk to BPAS and I hope you manage to get advice from them to help you make your final decision.

I completely understand why, in your circumstances, you feel a termination would be best for you and your family. I hope everything turns out for the best for you all and you manage to make the decision that is right for you.

Let's take a sideways step.

I had six miscarriages. Even one would have left DP distraught. Six would have broken him. Every one would have been wanted, loved and cherished (and cared for equally had they made it to term).

He doesn't know. I have no intention of ever telling him. I dealt with them in the best way I could - by myself - because the consequences of sharing that information would have caused him and by extension, as I'd have been dealing with a broken man, all manner of harm.

Does my DP have the right to have his heart absolutely shattered via a right to my medical information because his genetic material was in each? Or do I have a right to keep that private?

I think he has the right to know but also think it’s your body your choice I have a 4 & a 2 year old just starting school / nursery in September and I’m only just getting into a good headspace again - as much as I’d love another it wouldn’t be best for me or the family - it’s very admirable to know what’s best for you all and stick to it xxxx

When did I condemn her? When did I say or imply he has rights over her reproductive rights? All I said was he has the right to know because it's his baby too. This is a scientific fact whether you like it or not.

She has asked for opinion and I have given mine. She can ignore it if she wishes as can rest of the users reading it. You can give your opinion without quoting me especially when I have not said things you are implying I have.

If she cannot have a discussion with her husband about childcare issues or abortion without being scared then I don't think the marriage is on a very solid ground anyway.

You can’t not tell him, it would be a massive betrayal. The sort of betrayal that could end the relationship, even if he doesn’t find out now but finds out in the future. He could find out in years to come and that could be your marriage over in an instant. Keeping a secret like this from a spouse would be akin to cheating in my eyes, the level of lies and betrayal is so high.

I understand you feel having the baby will disrupt your lives and that you feel telling him about the pregnancy will add pressure and that choosing a termination could strain the relationship, but hiding something so big from your spouse could blow up the relationship far more than any of those things. If you keep this from him and he finds out he will probably find it unforgivable, and with good reason. We’re not talking a random man you had a ONS with or a guy you’ve only been seeing a few months, we’re not talking about an ex, this is your husband and if you want him to stay your husband you have to involve him in this! I don’t mean he gets to make the decision, ultimately your body your choice, but you have to at least talk it through with him.

My 3rd pregnancy was unplanned and like you I worried whether I would cope. I did have some sort of feeling that it was meant to be because we had tried hard not to have another one.

It was tough in the early days and I don't remember much of DC3's babyhood. But my children are close and love having each other as siblings. There's always a spare one if you're not getting on with one of them! DC3 herself is an absolute joy and I can't imagine life without her.

I think if you are already thinking about what it would be like with a girl, or with a gang of three boys, you are already actually getting your head round it in some ways.

I also think that it would be very detrimental to you and to your marriage if you were to decide on a termination without telling your husband. I think carrying that sort of secret would be pretty toxic.

Just my opinion and I know many others have offered differing thoughts.

From the OP's first post

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Its all well and good he will want the OP to continue with the pregnancy when it isn't his body going through it and he's doing the bare minimum of the child rearing. So yes I have a negative opinion of the husband but my post wasn't aggressive thats how you've interpreted it.

Look up the cases in America of men going to court to prevent their partners from having abortions. No one has a right to force or coerce a woman into continuing a pregnancy she doesn't want. The husband can be upset all he wants but he has no right to influence his wife, of all things she should be worried about her husband not taking it well if she mentions termination shouldn't be one of them.

Why are so many posters saying he has a 'right to know'?? I would go so far as to say, it is none of his business! It is OP's business what she does.

Im happily married, been with my DH 22 years and I have no qualms about what OP is proposing. I truly believe privacy is important in marriage, when it comes to bodily functions and medical information.

https://researchbriefings.files.parliament.uk/documents/LLN-2024-0073/LLN-2024-0073.pdf

and she would deal with that if that rare event happens

If you were informed of stuff in your mums medical history under LPOA, that did not affect her treatment for dementia, then someone broke the law . Simply that. You had no rights even under LPOA for historic information, only for information to make future decisions in the way she would have wanted.

but you know that. Despite what you are saying.

an abortion is not going to be one of things that “ comes out” unless she is one of extremely rare cases of complication of termination, and having treatment at that moment. And the medics treating her won’t discuss it without express consent even then , even with her husband.

this is not a wildly unusual situation. They’ll be hundreds of women having abortion each year that do not want their husbands or partners to know. Medics are well versed in handling that. It was ever thus. And it will be for forever. Whether abortion is legal or not.

why is he having 9 hours sleep and leaving? Mine worked all day and came home late at night. He cleaned and did washing to make sure everything was ready for me in the morning so it’s be easier for me. He’d also do night wakes too. I didn’t ask him to - he felt he was an equal parent to them and that he didn’t get to just sleep all night because he had chosen kids too and it’s bloody exhausting getting no respite as the stay at home parent. He needs to help out more if he wants to keep it and frankly he should do more now. 9 hours sleep is insane if he has 2 young kids - unless he’s a surgeon, pilot or working with chainsaws, in which case he should get you household help or will have to accept you can’t manage 3.

Tell him and tell him how you feel and why.

if he wants to have a third child then things need to change ie. His sleep!!

If you're looking for people to validate what you want to do, OP, you have that from me (as well as many other posters on this thread.

Your DH shouldn't pressure you to keep a child you don't want to. The burden on you is far heavier. That you think he would do that is a good enough reason not to tell him in my book. It isn't his decision and you aren't asking for his input. If he's not the sort of person to understand and respect that, he's not the sort of person you should tell.

It will change your marriage, but keeping it secret isn't the catalyst for the change - the catalyst is you realising he would pressure you to keep it when you don't want to. That he won't be the support you need now, when you need it. Whatever you do, you have that knowledge.

I would caution you to be sure it's a secret you can keep, though. A bust up about it now where you hold your ground is likely to be easier to navigate than if he finds out you've done or intend to do it, in secret.

I think most women can keep the secret if they feel they need to. The feeling that is most prevalent in women who have an abortion is relief, not guilt. But you posting here makes it sound like you may have some doubts. If not about the abortion then about not telling him. So I would just say have a think about it. I think it's risky to tell a friend or family member if you're going to keep it from your DH, though you may decide any risk is worth it. But there are plenty of anonymous counseling services you can use if you need to talk about it.

Yeah I still don’t agree sorry but I respect your opinion.

I too have had many miscarriages so understand this feeling. But unlike a lot of woman I wasn’t devasted by it nor did it break me (and it was a serious struggle to have children).

I have a marriage where I share my lows and highs and things thats affect us both as a pregnancy and ultimately miscarriage would have. I don’t know if anyone truly knows how they will feel after the first one but after the second then yes. I also don’t guess how my husband will feel as thats his choice nor do I hide things from him to protect him when to me honesty is more important. I guess if your husband found out now (why would he I get it) but he would now be devastated as you say and feel betrayed.