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Original poster

When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

413 replies

SillyScilly · 27/07/2025 08:54

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

OP posts:
Blottum · 27/07/2025 08:55

Does he have long Covid?

or is his health condition mental health?

Blottum · 27/07/2025 08:56

Not only shit for you

but shit for the children too

Original poster
SillyScilly · 27/07/2025 08:58

Blottum · 27/07/2025 08:55

Does he have long Covid?

or is his health condition mental health?

Yes it’s a particularly nasty variation of Long Covid, the neurological one that broke his brain. 😭

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Eyesopenwideawake · 27/07/2025 08:58

I think it would be reasonable to start gently talking about what happens in the next 5ish years, when the children are in third level and probably living away from home. Does he ever talk about the future? What caused his illness?

Blottum · 27/07/2025 08:59

Also physically debilitating?

RandomMess · 27/07/2025 09:01

Does he have DS mil he could go and stay with when he is particularly unwell?

ThirstyMeeples · 27/07/2025 09:01

What a hard situation OP. Sounds like you have dealt with it with immense compassion and strength. I don’t know the right answer and I suspect there isn’t a clear right answer given he’s a good and present father in some ways. However, I think I’d be inclined to do a slow and steady separation. Mental health illness has no clear end point so could carry on indefinitely. I think it’s okay to want to live your life and protect your children from the sadness.
could you navigate a slow transition to living separately? I know everyone laughs at conscious uncoupling but it acknowledges the relationship without the trauma of sudden separation.
so sorry this has happened to you and best of luck in the future.

F1LandoFan · 27/07/2025 09:02

Oh Op, this is awful. I’m so sorry for you all. I don’t even know what to suggest, I just couldn’t read and not say anything. You clearly love and care for him but I totally understand that this situation is making both of your lives miserable :(

Original poster
SillyScilly · 27/07/2025 09:03

Blottum · 27/07/2025 08:59

Also physically debilitating?

Massively physically debilitating- he now gets ESA and PIP to help with this

OP posts:
Newnamesagain · 27/07/2025 09:05

This is so sad to read, can't imagine how tough it must be to live.

It sounds to me like the relentless is a big part of it. Could you access any sort of respite?

DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 09:05

Blottum · 27/07/2025 08:56

Not only shit for you

but shit for the children too

And pretty shit for him too actually.

Blottum · 27/07/2025 09:05

SillyScilly · 27/07/2025 09:03

Massively physically debilitating- he now gets ESA and PIP to help with this

Show quote history

So not just “broke the brain”… are you saying he’s basically bed bound and has been for past 4 years?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 27/07/2025 09:06

I feel for you OP. So little is known about Long Covid it could be that traditional medication for MH just doesn’t cut it. You say you love him still and don’t really want to leave, are you at capacity time wise or could you join hobbies like a choir or an art class to try and find some joy outside the home? are your children getting the right support for their own mental health? Look into Young Carers organisations maybe ? Flowers

LauraNorda · 27/07/2025 09:08

You made a promise for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

I can just hear the uproar if it were you that were ill and he was looking to abandon you.

TourdeFrance2025 · 27/07/2025 09:10

I am so sorry, it's been completely life changing for you all.

Given that YOU still love him & want the best for him & that he does sound great with the kids when he's able to be & you don't want to meet anyone else, do you. In all honesty, think YOU would be any happier living apart?

it is utterly shit as it is, I'm just not convinced YOU (let's just concentrate on you right now, not the impact in him or the kids) would be any happier?

Original poster
SillyScilly · 27/07/2025 09:10

He’s not bed bound but has massive anxiety, chronic fatigue in amongst a very long list of physical and mental ailments. His illness is very real.

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 27/07/2025 09:11

OP, has he explored the possibility of ECT with his medical team?

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2667296021001270

Zippidydoodah · 27/07/2025 09:13

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/07/2025 08:58

I think it would be reasonable to start gently talking about what happens in the next 5ish years, when the children are in third level and probably living away from home. Does he ever talk about the future? What caused his illness?

“Third level”? What does that mean?

OP- horrible situation, but if he’s doing everything he should be doing, then he really can’t help it. I feel sad for all of you but if it were me, I wouldn’t leave.

tripleginandtonic · 27/07/2025 09:14

LauraNorda · 27/07/2025 09:08

You made a promise for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

I can just hear the uproar if it were you that were ill and he was looking to abandon you.

This You still love him, he's being the best father he can be. I think either you leave or you re evaluate your life, just as you would if you had a child with serious disabilities.

maudelovesharold · 27/07/2025 09:18

LauraNorda · 27/07/2025 09:08

You made a promise for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

I can just hear the uproar if it were you that were ill and he was looking to abandon you.

I think that’s very harsh. Have you read the whole of the op’s post? She’s not ‘looking to abandon’ him. She’s at the end of her tether. I’ve been in a similar place, not with dh, but my dear Mum, who was living with us for 4 years, and it’s bloody hard. And I had some support, unlike the op. Have a bit of compassion and understanding.
If I think of anything which might be helpful op, I’ll be back, but I can imagine how trapped you feel. I’m sorry. You will get through it, but it’s so traumatic when you’re in the middle of it all.

StrangledHowl · 27/07/2025 09:18

Zippidydoodah · 27/07/2025 09:13

“Third level”? What does that mean?

OP- horrible situation, but if he’s doing everything he should be doing, then he really can’t help it. I feel sad for all of you but if it were me, I wouldn’t leave.

Show quote history

Third level means university or post-school training.

countrygirl99 · 27/07/2025 09:19

Is there any option for a respite break?

LauraNorda · 27/07/2025 09:21

maudelovesharold · 27/07/2025 09:18

I think that’s very harsh. Have you read the whole of the op’s post? She’s not ‘looking to abandon’ him. She’s at the end of her tether. I’ve been in a similar place, not with dh, but my dear Mum, who was living with us for 4 years, and it’s bloody hard. And I had some support, unlike the op. Have a bit of compassion and understanding.
If I think of anything which might be helpful op, I’ll be back, but I can imagine how trapped you feel. I’m sorry. You will get through it, but it’s so traumatic when you’re in the middle of it all.

Show quote history

The OP clearly states that she doesn't want to be under the same roof as him. Sounds like abandonment to me.

Twelftytwo · 27/07/2025 09:21

Would you feel any happier though?
If he moves out, he will still be unwell, it will still be sad, it might be more worrying because of how he responds to it, he won't be able to interact with the children as much as he is now.

I'm so sorry as it sounds shit and he's not the person you married. But I just wonder if living apart will make it any better.

3luckystars · 27/07/2025 09:21

I would suggest some counselling for you. You need support now.

Do you have an employee assistance program at work? They are excellent and free and totally confidential.

You must be physically and mentally exhausted from this load. I don’t agree with the poster above about the wedding vows, I believe your own health is important and you need to be 100% well yourself, as you have children depending on you.
That’s just my feeling on it. Get some support for yourself and take your time x