When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

It’s not stupid at all. Being amongst nature and eating the food you have grown yourself is incredibly healing. There’s a reason the NHS prescribe gardening and there’s plenty of very credible research to back up the benefits of soil microbes on serotonin levels and gut health.

Could you start considering some more radical treatments for the neurological stuff? There was a thread in the Mental Health section a couple of years ago on microdosing with mushrooms - they have some sort of rewiring effect on the brain.
If it was me, and years of conventional treatments were getting nowhere (and I daresay various side effects as well), I'd definitely explore that option.

I'm in the same boat. Not even sure if I still love him. Caring full-time changes the dynamic of marriage so drastically. I don't want him dead, but I do want to move on to the next phase of my life. We had 25 good years but the last few have been so terribly hard. And carers' support isn't what it should be. Without my stepson coming every few months, so I can visit my family the other side of the country, I don't know what would have happened.

That doesn't sound stupid at all.

Many vows also include obeying the partner.... we have moved on a bit these days...the OP has the right to be free of this life she did not sign up for.

You are kids are at quite a delicate age, if you were to split up now or destabilise things more than they currently are you might find yourself with a lot more work trying to help them navigate through it. I say this because I’ve done the same with mine was 13 and honestly all hell broke loose with him. I would be looking at getting more of a support network before you make any decisions whatsoever.

Why do people keep saying this?

We have no idea whether this was part of OP’s wedding vows. Even if she was a Christian and had a traditional Christian wedding with this particular set of vows, it’s not a quote from the bible, nor is there additional context to it.

And unless I am misunderstanding, OP isn’t proposing absconding and leaving his life for ever. She seems to be exploring what the options are to stay in each others life’s in a different capacity. Even in the traditional vows there is nothing even implying that the relationship wouldn’t change.

@SillyScilly - it sounds like you have no professional carer support and that you’re trying to do too much.

If not, professional carer support is definitely worth getting. My relative has that. The carers help with self-care, take care of day-time meal-prep, wash up the dishes etc. That way you’re not just relying on other people’s good will. It took a while to get it put into place but it’s made a real difference in my relative’s case.

Also, my relative talks of suicide. Having professional support means my relative’s wife has never had to cut a break short. She’s devoted to him and never away long but she needs those breaks, as do you. The right professional will know how to handle such issues whereas a caring relative, friend or neighbour may not.

It sounds a terriblly sad situation for you all. You need a break, even if only a weekend away. Is there anyone who could come to take your place for a weekend? Would his Mum come? Could you ask adult social services for respite care? If you can't get away for a couple of days could your kids get a break from it all? Are their grandparents who would take DC on holiday or away for a week which would lessen the load for you too for a week? I'd try to get kids in kids clubs so they get a break from the saddness and feel able to laugh and be joyful. Look for clinical trials and ask his medical team what els can be done. You still love each other. Life must be so hard for you all but because you still love him I'm not sure you'd actually feel happier without him. You would probably still be worried sick about him but not be with him even which might make you feel worse. I'd keep encouraging him to step up for the kids.

Sorry you are having such a hard time and must be difficult to be around. As someone who has also had difficult mental health but is now improving I would say don't give up on him if the love is still there if possible but it sounds like something needs to change. Does he have any hobbies or could he join a support group? And local mental health services whilst doing much better these days I just don't think are as good as a specialist therapist if you could afford it. It's the best money I ever spent and the right person can really unlock improvements. Sounds like it may be complex PTSD or something aside from straightforward depression/anxiety. Wishing you both well.

Without sounding too blunt, I would be weighing up the pros and cons of leaving.

A massive one is the financial side.

He is going to be receiving a decent amount of money and if you separate, you will lose that income.
Single parents get a little bit of help but it’s not much.

You also say he is an attentive father.

He might not be able to go outside etc but you are able to leave them with him to either work or get things done in the home or just have some ‘you’ time.
Life, especially when you’re working, is incredibly difficult as a single parent.

Does he do the majority of the cooking and cleaning?

Unless he’s physically disabled then the housework and cooking should be done and this is something else I’d consider before leaving.

You would likely have to sell the house and potentially relocate if you can’t afford to rent/buy somewhere in the area on your salary alone.

You have my complete sympathy because you are busy caring for everyone else and no one is caring for you.
I would also never stay with someone who I’m not happy with.

But I do think you need to consider the other positives he brings to your life and maybe try and wait a couple more years until your kids are slightly older to leave and you have more of a plan.

Sorry, didn't realise third level wasn't a term used in the UK – it's how uni is described in Ireland. But not having children it's not something I give much (any) thought to.

I don't obviously know all the details of your life with your husband but I have a friend in a similar situation. Whilst very sympathetic to his illness she did notice that he became very self obsessed with how he was and actually quite selfish. I noticed that you said you had to come back while you were away. Why was this? Could he really not manage without you for a weekend? My friend very gently started to have a few boundaries. She wasn't 'there' every time to prop up her husband. She didn't go running all the time. This isn't cruel. It is self-preservation. If you are to stay in this relationship you need to do some things for just you. He needs to find coping mechanisms which don't involve you.

I can relate OP. It’s almost exactly my situation. DH was the breadwinner, professionally accomplished and personally lovely and good with the children. Huge breakdown got worse and worse - under MH teams in different forms for over 6 years lots of suicidal ideation and anxiety. He was unrecognisable by any measure and incapable of doing anything or being responsible for anything. Remained good with children when he had capacity but we don’t have children round so my house which was once filled with other children is a very different place. I too got to a point where I could yawn as he disclosed suicidal thoughts again - I actually did and no wonder as it’s so knackering and enduring. The shape in bed under blankets on his chair with the disordered breathing, the sighing and the disconnected thoughts and inability to engage. Hard hard to live with because you are a career to someone whose needs are the opposite to what you want to model to your children and whose needs are unpredictable.

What helped me? Talking - to lots of people, not formal counselling as have many friends I can talk thoughtfully and seriously to.

Nights out - using whatever was needed at home I kept going out and when he improved in patches went out more.

Getting a dog - could have gone either way but it is his therapy really and he now walks it in the local park by himself. Well I go too sometimes but he can do it by himself which is amazing as he couldn’t leave the house for a long time.

He started an indoor hobby that stuck and started to be able to use that to regulate when feeling especially bad. He was too ill for this to work for years but it finally did.

A private psychiatrist- finally a drug that helped. Some others made him worse and Mirtazipine made him into someone I disliked and definitely could have left!

I stayed but wouldn’t dream of telling you that you should. It’s an extraordinary thing to live with. I always liked his values and they are still there. I respected his efforts to get well. On balance I think him well gave the children more than him ill took. And suddenly here it has played off and quite suddenly he is quite a bit better - hugely better compared to his lowest but not with the insight to appreciate this! There is little of making memories when your brain is barely surviving! He is medically retired too (that stopped our ESA - just check you should still be getting it - does depend on pension amount - am sure you know that but just thought would mention). He won’t be able to work again but recent changes do give me hope he will find more and more calm. I love him too but I miss him aswell and that is hard. I look at his old best mate (he couldn’t keep his old friendships with one exception who he has seen a handful of times over the past years) with his busy sociable life and feel regret that we aren’t having the same but my children are happy and thriving and although I do all mental load and driving and planning and booking and working I do ok too. I had to refocus more on home at one point as I was being avoidant but whatever gets us through I reckon!
I hope your finances are ok? We have weathered a few storms and bleak freezing winters where I felt like I was failing as a parent as the damp rioted and it was horrid but although the pension is less than a minimum wage job it was the extra we needed so we are fine now. It’s another adjustment though to that future plan you held…

Take care. I fear you will have a load of replies (I broke off to do something midway through) that are very simplistic but it’s a complicated and awful thing to see. It’s more akin to caring for someone with dementia than caring for something physical. I have wondered if I should have left - but yes it would have made other outcomes more likely but that isn’t your responsibility (I did come to peace with that). I have emotionally blackmailed DH making it clear he knew his suicide would ruin our children. One of mine had his own MH issues (SEN related). while dh had safety plans and protective factors I know that non of the above keeps him safe when deep in the dark. We have passed that level for know but who knows whether there will be a return …I long ago stopped trusting in that!

This is so difficult for you. Unless you live this, people do not understand how tiring it is to care for somebody suffering like this.
You need respite, do you get to go on holidays?

Gosh this is really tough. Personally I couldn’t leave my partner if this were to happen, but I understand it puts a huge strain on you. My partner has also had really bad mental health times, which were very difficult for me to deal with. Now it’s loads better and I think what helped me most was:

1. explaining to him this was also tough on me and I had to invest in a support network and he had to give me time to sometimes get away from it (a nice hotel weekend by myself, or a holiday with friends)
2. friends are really really important because they fill certain gaps and have no judgement. Join clubs or a charity or a small sports group that meets regularly.. yoga / gardening. Regular consistent meetings are key. Make an effort to book them. Organise a bbq, invite people for a coffee, go for a dog walk etc.
3. look after your own wellness. Make sure to eat healthy, exercise, do fun things wherever you can, a hobby is massively important. Talk to your gp, join a support group & get some counselling, use the headspace app for 10 min of calm a day
4. try find something you both really enjoy, and do that once every couple months, a little boat trip / attending sports events (get special access to accomodate his needs) / a garden / castle visit etc.
5. always have something in the diary to look forward to. Doesnt have to be expensive. Keep putting fun things in the diary and get support in place to help you do this (special transportation / a wheelchair / book a comfy hotel for extra sleep etc)

I don’t think you’d be happier for leaving him, you’d still be very worried about him. It sounds to me like you’re in adjustment period and possibly might have to focus on acceptance over time. Big hugs xxx

I’m not sure I’ve seen an example where the woman is that ill and the man… is doing all the parenting and not sure he can do all the parenting all the earning and all the caring. Most of the men in this situation just fuck off to look after themselves, you hear about it all the time. And it is not comparable.

My post sounds like I am encouraging you to stay.
I am not saying that but to weigh up the options and consider making a longer term plan, so you don’t make life harder for yourself.

FWIW I let my dad live with me and helped him move out and find his own place because my mums MH was making him ill.

I would not have my child visit my mum when she was in a certain state and there’s no way I would have them living with her and so I guess it depends on how bad he is and if it’s negatively impacting your kids, if it is then I would leave asap.

Good lord, have some people really never heard of university etc., described as third level?
How extraordinary 🙄.

OP, it sounds horrendously difficult and as if you are at risk of burnout yourself.

Your children need one parent they can depend on, so you need to mind yourself.

Your burden sounds enormous, not least that he may self harm.

You really have my sympathy.
At the very least, you need to focus on building something for yourself outside of the home.

The gardening suggestion is a good one.

Yep there is no support. None.

Therapy has done NOTHINGto fix my LC mental health issues or the chronic fatigue. Nothing. It’s about acceptance.

You sound as if you love him still. He obviously loves you. Work on ways to accept it and bring joy in in other ways.

Assuming you are already having counselling op? Consider CBT - this particular form of counselling could drastically help you in a very short space of time.

Your dh in some ways contributes a lot to the home, he is engaged and participative and sounds like he brings something tangible to your children’s lives, and you said you love him. He is doing his best with the limitations he has.

You are describing a different man to the one you married, and it is natural to wonder if this is all there is. I sometimes wonder too and I don’t have your complications.

The children will grow up faster than you think - and soon will be able to take care of themselves, this will free you up to enjoy your life. It would have been limited anyway - I doubt you would be doing anything very different to what you are doing now.

I think you need more pleasure and fun. Girls nights out, spa breaks, overnight stays, weekly supper and support groups. Hobbies and interests. You are not having your needs met, and this is really impacting your quality of life.

Statistically.... Laura, that's what's much more likely to happen. It's a known phenomenon that men abandon sick wives far more often than women abandon sick husbands.

So if the idea outrages you, Laura, you would do better to talk to men about it rather than whatabouting to a woman.

You have two options.

1. you walk away
2. you make what you have better for you.

I’d go for 2) in the short term. Even if money is tight pouring money on the solution in terms of good external care will buy you a bit more space to think properly about it all.

Do you have separate bedrooms? I only ask because often a need for that feeling of "separateness" or time to yourself can be found this way.

This post resonates. I have lost two siblings to suicide so I’m absolutely aware of the horror shockwaves it causes. One of the reasons I’m still around to be honest.