When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

Could you try filling your cup more? Doing things for you, maybe a weekend away?

Even though he’s unwell are you able to have a romantic connection? Date nights and stuff?

I wondered the same thing. Never heard of third level in my life 😂

Third level is the level after secondary school.

Can you get an annex/loft room/semi separate living arrangements? Is there a day centre he could go to, give you breathing space for a bit?

As a child, mother suffered terrible episodes of depression, I loved her very much but it would bring the atmosphere of the whole house down. It is near impossible to be jolly when your Mum is in the other room in despair. We would take on her mood, which was hell for all of us.

Agree. And it’s not a harsh comment either.

Mum gets very ill with long COVID, engages well with MH team, dad leaves with the kids. How on earth would that be received here?

OP, what about getting support for yourself? Have you been to the GP, if so have they been okay?

I have severe Long Covid that also broke my brain.

Its terrible and turned our life upside down. But we’re still together.

I'm sorry for both you and your DH. One thing that stands out in your posts is that you aren't seeing any improvement and I can feel frustration in your words about this.

When you are chronically it is common to be very apathetic about your treatment and progress (speaking from first hand experience) and so your DH is likely not driving treatment or care or pushing to be on things like long covid studies or trials. If he has a good medical team they can take on this role, but the reality is maybe nobody is doing this.

I'm a fixer so in your position i would be doing this role. Yes its more work on top of running the house, but it would give me a sense of control and things to aim for with dh - a purpose in a shit situation. You are not me though so this may not work for you, but wanted to share a viewpoint.

What is he like as a husband / partner ? Does he make you laugh ? Hold your hand , hug you , occasionally make a playful grab , spontaneous kiss etc ? All the kind of things in a normal , healthy relationship .
Do you still have regular sex ?
If not do you miss it ?

I ask because I am in a relationship without all that , and I miss it terribly .
I feel the above is the glue that keeps a relationship going , without it you are just two adults living in the same house .

Do you know how the children feel about the situation? If you ask him to leave, I think there's a risk they will take the responsibility for him onto their shoulders and feel terribly anxious about it. Which is not to say don't do it, just think through all the potential impacts on them.

If he had cancer would you feel the same way?

I think one thing to consider is if you do separate just as your children are flying the nest, they will of course feel responsible for him in some way and they will be trying to interact/navigate their own relationship with him/possibly even doing some caring and organisation for him as very young adults. This seems the worst of all worlds for them in some way - their childhoods, even though you’ve done an absolutely amazing job, will have been very marked by his illness, and then as soon as they are flying off, suddenly Dad is on his own in a bed sit needing love support and care from them.
I think a gift you could give them is not letting that burden become theirs, at least not very early on in the adult lives.

It sounds like you’ve made a very good life for yourself and the kids in difficult circumstances. Have you had therapy?

You talk about him having a mental breakdown and being a high earning city worker pre covid. Is his illness covid related or is it because of stress? You say your lifestyle suited 'us', but did it suit him?

I'm not sure this makes a difference to the next steps but it might help to really understand how you have ended up in this position.

If you split up what support would he require to live?

I can see it from both sides I have been very unwell mentally . I had a breakdown( sectioned annd suicidal )and although stable still live with anxiety and depression. Are there any triggers to him feeling suicidal? Stress is usually the reason. Does he have a purpose in life and does he practice gratitude. Can you give him a bit more responsibility? Is there somewhere he could go while the children have friends round. It sounds like the children have a good life when he is ‘ well’ and he enjoys interacting with him.
I can see it from your side too as you have turned into his carer and it is so hard being that person and the impact on you . I had to be this person for my Mum with dementia. Your health and well being is as important as his though and you need to think about what is best for you and what may make you happy too . Perhaps you could take the children on frequent holidays would that help? Get respite care for your husband . True he may not be happy about this but surely preferable to living apart forever ?

I have a family member whose depression had a devastating affect on our family so I have some understanding of how hard this must be for OP and their children.
But the bottom line is her DH is ill and he is doing all he can as regards medication and treatment. I'm sure he more than anyone in world would like to be his old self .
So I think it would be cruel and unfair for OP to abandon him because of his illness. Even though saying this I know it is having a devastating affect on her.

I thought the suggestion of respite care by a pp seemed a helpful one. Are there organisations or charities that OP can turn to for help, support and advice?

She said in a previous comment he’s got long covid. Sadly, what he’s experiencing is one of the most horrible side effects of long covid. But could I leave my husband if I was in her situation? Absolutely not!

Thats really hard.

Many areas have an organisation to support carers. Have a Google, ask your local council or GP surgery. Make sure you are registered as his carer and then you can access any wellbeing services they offer for yourself. See if you can find carers counselling services. I feel it would help you to figure out your feelings and options. 💐

I suppose I think of it this way: he was the breadwinner and provided the financial framework for a good living while also being a good father. Even through covid he was a good parent. I basically wanted to die while I battled through covid, so anyone who could manage that, I admire.

He now has long covid, if I understand your updates correctly. That's horrible for everyone, most of all him. His life is forever changed, and he can't leave because everything is shit.

If you feel like you have given back enough and sickness and health doesn't apply here (anymore), then you leave. No one can hold you there. But I'd look into therapy for both of you, perhaps respite, first.

It's a horrendous situation, no doubt.

I don’t really have any advice but I do feel for you. This is very hard. Dh had a major MH diagnosis before he met me but deteriorated in various ways throughout our marriage and couldn’t work at all after about 5 years. He died, and that was terrible, and at the same time having a life without his illness in it is better, however much we feel the loss of him as a person.

It helped me to get out and do things solo or with ds, and that’s probably the only thing I would offer as advice. Also there is something to be said for being the breadwinner, it has its benefits.

I agree too but there are also children involved and the effect on their mental health has to be a consideration too. I think OPs ultimate responsibility is to make sure they are OK first and foremost. It’s not clear how the kids are doing in this situation so it’s not possible to distinguish if it would be beneficial for them to live with just their mum or with both parents in this situation. Many adults who grew up with severely depressed parents wish they could have been shielded.

The organisation Sane were helpful to me as they do acknowledge the carer. I sometimes felt that Mind didn’t think I was a real person at all.

You still love him. He engages with therapy and is a great father. But the situation isn’t sustainable as it’s understandably wearing you down.

Splitting up seems like an extreme way to change the situation. Can you do half way house changes? Getting more support, more breaks, more distance between you so you get a breather but without separating?

I think there is a middle ground where you don’t have to “abandon” him, as PPs have horribly phrased it. You could remain married but live separately, for the sake of your own and your DCs’ MH.

Or it may work out that he’s able to access more financial (and potentially practical) support if he isn’t married?). You can still see him, bring the DCs round etc but it might be the push he needs tbh to do everything he can to get better.

Being depressed affects everyone around you, but it also means that if others pick up the slack you can retreat into it and it ends up being a vicious circle. As hard as it is to carry on and mask the depression, living a semblance of a normal life while struggling behind the scenes means you keep human interaction, routine and a sense of purpose, which can all help.

If he had to look after himself, make an effort to spend time with the DCs etc it might actually be a positive step for him. You leaving could be his ‘rock bottom’, and prompt him to reassess his situation.

You can’t be emotionally blackmailed into staying in a marriage which is bringing you all down, vows or not. Sadly men leaving their wives after a cancer diagnosis etc is very common. Its hard living with someone else’s illness and its not like you haven’t given it a good try.

You get one short and precious life. Sacrificing yours for him to still live a small and unhappy life is pointless.

My DP suffers terribly with anxiety and depression, has tried all the medications and counselling etc but nothing seems to help. It can be draining but trying to be a good partner is also draining for him and I sometimes wonder if he’d be better off without me so that he could focus on himself. He does everything he can to live a full and normal life but I know that underneath that he is struggling every day. Being loved is a positive in his life but I honestly think he was happier when we were just friends who cared about each other. I do feel for you.

An awful situation for all.
Hard as it us, I feel the current situation can only be improved with more support for you all.
Splitting up will never give you the clean break relief that you are seeking. You love him so will still feel responsible and you and then the children will have less control and the added stress of monitoring and managing from afar

Yes, and Jesus advocated kindness. Sometimes it's wise not to say what you think
@SillyScilly you sound like an amazing wife and mother. Might it be possible to contact SS and arrange for a carer's assessment?
I hope you get the support you need to work it out. You can only do what you can do.