When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

There are certain illnesses where you can say to someone “treatment x or symptom y means I might/might not be able to do a, b or c on a certain day” or “I’m so glad I managed to do/go to a, b or c on the weekend” and limitations are accepted. People are pleased that you’ve managed to do a, b or c. The person will not be “pushed” to do so much more than they can tolerate when they are already doing more than they can tolerate, face implications that they’re lying or have to repeat their limitations. There are other illnesses where such limitations aren’t accepted by others so easily if at all, even though they are valid.

In some cases, some of the impacts of the symptoms are blamed for the cause. It can feel like being told that your hair loss is causing low ferritin.

@FeralWoman 🫂🫂
20+ years with ME here. It’s hard.

Me too, 10 years with ME 💐

Being the partner of someone with a chronic condition is really tough. When you get married, you accept "the in sickness and in health" thing as something that will probably happen when you both get old. It's a lot harder when that comes into play when you're in your 30's/40's (as I am). I've been going through this for 6 years now and know it could be like this for many, many years to come - our lives just consigned to the scrap heap. There is no current hope for a cure or answers to my husband's illness (despite trying so many different drugs and operations). So I just have to cope. The thing that makes a difference to my life is having a dog. She gets me out and meeting lots of people in my area. Through dog walking, I have met a dear friend who also has a husband with a chronic illness. She completely understands what it's like living life as the "healthy" one in a relationship and how you feel like your best years are slipping by some days. I'm opening up to people a lot more and learning to lean on others when I'm having a bad day or week. That's the only way I can cope.

@KookyMoose thank you for posting that and so sorry that life has dealt you & your DH this tough hand.

I have this scenario in my wider family. The chronic, worsening illness which is hell for the sufferer, and the ‘captive’ spouse who is very much needed as a carer, and whose life has really shrunk as a result.

It is a huge strain on any marriage/ relationship, but often the spouse is very overlooked, including by the ill partner.

I have no answers, just sending gentle hugs to Op & Kooky, and all posters who struggle with long term health issues.

When you get married, you accept "the in sickness and in health" thing

'In sickness and in health' was a vow created hundreds of years ago when there was no health service, no benefits and when people routinely died in their 40s if they survived childhood. And also at a time when people tended to believe in God and heaven and focused on enduring life and waiting for bliss in the hereafter.

Society is very different now and I think the people using 'in sickness and in health' as a moral bludgeon to force women (it's mainly women) into a lifetime of poverty and servitude looking after dependents has to stop. Few of us now believe that there's something better waiting for us in heaven after death. We have one life and none of us should feel morally impelled to sacrifice ourselves to another.

I’m so glad that my DH took our marriage vows of in sickness and in health seriously. I’ve been unwell since our wedding. That was 25 years ago. I’ve never been healthy while we’ve been married. I was before. I got sick a few weeks before the wedding. We thought it was just a standard winter sore throat and cold. I’ve been financially dependent on him the whole time because of my health. He cooks so I eat well. I’m grateful that he meant his commitment to me.

He’s now chronically unwell with an autoimmune disease and I remain committed to him.

This wasn’t how either of us imagined our life would be but we made that vow to each other because we love each other and want to spend our lives together.

I'm sorry you're both in ill health but I don't think your post is remotely helpful.
All you're doing is say 'Look at me' and how' wonderful we are', which is very hurtful to someone at their rock bottom asking for help.

People can walk away from marriages for many reasons. 40% of all marriages end in divorce.

Ill health may not be the 'best' reason but not everyone behaves like you do.

No, I’m saying that if you make a commitment to someone, actually keep it. Otherwise, don’t bother making vows or getting married. Obviously that’s in the absence of violence, control, cheating, etc.

Living together and being free to leave at any moment for any reason with no legal ties is an option.

BTW, OP still loves her DH. It sounds like she needs more support, not a divorce.

Having a chronic illness is very hard, caring for a loved one with a chronic illness is also very hard, I have been on both sides of it! We should have far better support for chronically ill and disabled people and carers in this country, disability or being a carer is one of the main reasons people end up in poverty. None of that is the fault of ill/disabled people and some of the posts here blaming the OPs husband for his illness or for the effects on the family are downright nasty.

Yes and often the carer end up unwell themselves with all the stress and responsibility. I agree there should be far more support.

I do find it alarming to read people saying if you get married you have to stay in the marriage ‘in sickness and health’ regardless.

no one has to stay in a marriage for any reason. It is a decision and commitment made by 2 people who believe at the time of marriage that this commitment will endure. Sometimes it doesn’t.

no where in my decision to get married did I agree to give up my free will or my consent or non consent to remaining married.

Marriages end for lots of reasons. People have the right to end a marriage for any reason.

it is inaccurate and deeply unhelpful to suggest otherwise.

i find it in poor taste to apply one’s own moral values and views in marriage to another persons situation.

I just think unless OP is going to walk away and wash her hands of him completely, he will still be in her life and it will still be draining. Having him under the same roof might be easier on a practical level than living apart with all the financial and emotional implications of divorce etc.