When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

I'd absolutely HATE my DH to feel bound to me by vows and not here because he wanted to be.

It's not his fault, and it's a cross you all have to bear. My father had a botched operation aged 65, that left him bed bound - my mum and I had to care for him for the next 23 years, during which time he succumbed to dementia.

He finally dies at home a little over a year ago. His illness fundamentally changed our lives, and not in a positive way, but life serves us good and bad, and we have no option other than to soldier on - some days will be better, some worse, that's it in a nutshell.

Keep on keeping on!, but look for support, are you a registered carer?, get some help, it's out there!, have a week away with the kids whilst he has respite care at home or in a care home - this kind of thing is essential to your MH going forward.

Were all the people telling OP what she vowed or promised in sickness and health present at the wedding, then?

It sounds to me like you need a break, hun. Get in touch with the carers trust, they can assign carers to take the strain off you a bit and they will even give you an allowance to cover hotel costs if you need to get away for a bit while they do the work. I don't quite know how it works with children and if they will take on them too, but i know that if my husband needed time away to recharge he can relax knowing that i am being looked after. It is important to understand that caring for a sick or disabled relative is hard and you need to look after yourself too. Take full advantage of all the benefits you can get to help yourself as well as him.

Think back, what did you enjoy doing when he was well and why can't you do them now? I think it will help both of you if you can find some hobbies you enjoy together, my husband takes me to the rugby, he gets in free as a carer with my access card, he has signed up for new initiative to get him a free cinema ticket as a carer when i buy mine. Sailability has modified two seater boats for disabled people, I am sure there are all sorts of things you can do, find your thing. Getting out and doing something fun is great for mental heath too so it might help him.

What a horrible situation.

On a practical level, is there anything else you can do to ease the relentlessness of doing everything for everyone - cleaner, more wraparound care for the kids, delivered meal plans?

Sounds like it may be complex PTSD or something aside from straightforward depression/anxiety. Wishing you both well

This is what l think. I’ve had LC 2 years l have both PTSD and trauma from it. I’ve been so ill l became truly paralysed with anxiety. ((Covid creates anxiety as one of its symptoms.

lm trying hypnosis ( she’s had lots of people with horrific Covid anxiety) failing that I’m going to try EMDR. This is what PIP ( which l get) should be used for.

Helpful. She is asking for advice, not asking how to abandon him. I would react the same way regardless of which DP is ill.

Yes. I used to know a woman whose husband had Huntingtons. She used to get quite long chunks of respite , which helped enormously and meant they were able to carry on. But we live in different times now where respite is less available, so I dont know what your situation would be. But the point I'm making is that respite could help enormously.

Caring for someone you love, who’s poorly, is the hardest job in the world. It’s draining, it’s tiring and you feel as if you’ve got no life.

It exhausted me. I’m glad I did it. He died anyway, unhappily.

But, if you love them, you do the caring. You adjust, adapt and just do a day at a time.

But, do contact any support agencies, and get all the help you can.

Best wishes. 💐

This is very moving and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Can you afford regular psychotherapy / counselling / life coaching (but perhaps you will need to find a very special person for this) for your self? I think you would benefit... a place for you where you dedicate some of the time to exploring your current feelings and some of the time to dreaming of your future life and working on ways to build that.

Some daily work on this might also help.. even if today is simply, I dream of flow, acceptance, self love, of completing these three actions, playing a board game with my kids, keeping everyone fed, and finding 5 minutes of calm just for me.

I wonder if there is a support group of people who are caring for chronically ill partners that could serve as some of this..

This is heartbreaking, I’m sorry.

What?are his feelings for you?
Does he still love you?
You say he lives the dc but do t mention how he feels about you
Have you and he had counselling together and apart ?
Does he need someone with him 24 7 ? Can you get a volunteer to sit with him ? respite? Paid PA thru SS?

If he does not need someone there 24 7 can you carve something foryourself? A regular choir gym or whatever?

You need to find a way to get some time away like take dc off for a week. Will give you space to think about longer term away from daily grind
Whatdoes life look like in 5 years?

Can your DH access respite care? So that you can have a break or trip away and know you won't be called back. Is there anything around the house you can outsource (cleaner, gardener, diy) just so you have slightly less to do? Have you thought about counselling for yourself? Are there ways to set up the house so your DC can have friends around more without impacting their father?

Your whole family are living in an awful situation. There is no easy solution, only making the best of it for as many of you as possible. I'm very sorry for you all.

It sounds like you have taken on everything in such a tough situation. He has had the therapy etc. But what about you? Have you had therapy. Have you got help with the house/garden etc. I think it’s time to make your life easier. That may not involve being apart but therapy will help you understand what you need. The fact that you love him is huge I think. Many people who separate don’t but some still do. Could he go for residential support when times are tough because of the children. I think you need to consider how you want your life to look. Also maybe to start gentle conversations about what you need to see whether he can consider you.

Tertiary = Third. You see? Not that hard.

It's not generally used. I've been in education all my career and never heard the third level. Most people say 'left home' at 'at university' (but not all kids go to uni .)

I'm sure that you are one of the outraged on here if man breaks the promise of forsaking all others.

Whats the point of making these promises that appear so empty and disposable if circumstances changed.

It could be viewed that the OP would stay with her husband whilst he was coining it in and providing a cushy lifestyle. But if that changes, she skedaddles.

Could his PIP pay for a PA for a few hours a week or one weekend a month so you could take a proper break? Do you claim carers allowance?

Having spoken to a lot of young people recently the medication appears to be making things worse. Not better for them too. I wonder what they’re putting in those tablets.

@LauraNorda you seem to have dedicated so much time to polishing your halo so you can judge others that you’ve failed to read the stats on men leaving ill wives.

The number who would step up with an ill wife as OP has with an ill husband are as rare as people like you having the compassion or humility to accept it’s not your business to dictate how others should live.

A long time ago, a distant relative of mine developed multiple sclerosis when she was quite newly married, in her late twenties. Her husband eventually divorced her and left her for the house-keeper (they had no children because she became ill so soon into their marriage). My very religious RC grandmother thought this was the right thing for her husband to do, when I expressed my shock at his deserting her, because he was a man so didn’t have to stick to the marriage vows like a woman would, apparently.
Double standards indeed.

What medication?

I would have killed myself twice without anti depressants. That’s how much LC can destroy your mental health.

I don't know what you want OP.

Do you? I think what you want is to turn back the clock which can't happen.

I think you should explore counselling on your own.

You see, you talk about leaving but you won't actually 'leave' because even if you sell up, buy 2 houses, the kids are still his, you will still see him, they will see him, he will be in your lives.

And, you will be wracked with guilt. And your kids may blame you for splitting up the family.

Whichever path you choose, you will still have the emotional burden of an ill husband, or an ex husband in the background.

I think - if you've not already- you both need to explore treatments and his long term prognosis. People can and do recover. If you've got money, throw everything at this, by seeing consultants privately and being 100% sure no stone is left unturned.

In the meantime, all you can do is to try to make life easier by employing 'staff' to help, take yourself away now and then and have some life of your own.

But I do suggest talking to a counsellor who can help you deal with this massive change might be worth exploring.

My aunt would be similar, but thinks a woman should stick a marriage out, no matter what, up to and including physical abuse!

But a man, no, they are just poor eejits and are unable to manage. I’m glad things are changing now.

That’s not fair & not helpful PP ..
You seem to speak with a “ you’ve made your bed , now lie in it “ sort of attitude..
None of know from one day to the next what life will throw at us ..
OP is a good person who is living a shit situation at the minute …

OP , have you & your husband explored all avenues into your husbands recovery ? ..
Like what is his attitude to all of this himself ?