When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

I think you should consider separation. I appreciate lots of others will say sickness and in health but you sound exhausted with it all. I think you need to consider practicalities especially with children. What happens when you buckle under the pressure? Is there anyone who can step in and help or will it mean social workers an possibly temporary care for dc.

How sad that your vulnerable and very candid post has attracted some deeply unpleasant, ignorant and judgemental individuals. I hope you can put aside those comments because, as much as they are unkind, they are also extremely simplistic and immature which renders them totally unhelpful. It's very easy to sit on the sofa with your phone and tell a stranger "but you made vows!!" whilst having not a single clue what it's actually like to singlehandedly support and finance a family, and to also be the sole carer for someone who is extremely ill. And without bothering to consider the wider implications in terms of the impact on the children, or what those children will do when their only healthy parent also becomes burnt out and can't function.

It's clear that the current situation cannot continue. You are carrying too much on your shoulders and you run the very real risk that you will reach a breaking point yourself. I definitely agree that giving DH a "job" like gardening would be a positive move. Something he can pick up and put down, that involves being outside and getting his hands dirty. Do you have a local conservation group? Ours is very active and would leap at the chance to have someone helping with planting, maintaining areas, putting up swift boxes etc. Is he good at fixing things? Could he volunteer at a local organisation maintaining disability aids or similar? Just thinking about local groups in our area and wondering if you have something like them near you. We have an extremely well attended men's "Walking and Talking" group locally. Maybe he would like something like this? There's no pressure to talk about anything deep, although you can. It's just a chance to meet up with other men, get some fresh air and socialise.

Does he have somewhere he could go when things are at a real crunch point? His parents for example? I think you are wise to protect the children from the most severe of his symptoms if that's an option for you. Obviously they could visit him, but it is very difficult to live in a house with that kind of oppressive mood descended upon it. That's not your husband's fault at all, but yes, other people's needs can also be weighed up.

I don't think you want to leave him. I think you just need some respite. And that's OK to want for yourself and your children. You are all important and you all have needs which should be met.

Dont be such an utter shit. The OP could not be more measured and compassionate. Shame on you, really.

I haven’t heard of it described as third level.

All the best.

If they separate, how will she cope? It isn't as easy as it sounds. The children will still need to see their dad.

He may, god forbid, end his own life. Now I know OP isn't responsible for his choices, before everyone throws that one in, BUT he's very vulnerable.

I think they need more medical help and some insight into where this might go in years to come.

I think this is hugely difficult.

Others may see this as selfish but I think
my view is that all of us only get one life. We don’t know what’s around the corner. Any of us could end up under a bus tomorrow.

I’d treat him with kindness and compassion but I would not let his illness ruin my life as well as his. Or the kids’. I don’t know exactly what that looks like for you but I think for me it would involve having a degree of separation in living arrangements, freedom to go on holiday/ see friends, enough time and money to spend time with kids and a bit of peace and quiet. I think I’d be moving towards a loving supportive friendship but avoiding becoming his carer at all costs.

And do not feel guilty, none of you asked for this but you’ve been through a lot and it’s not selfish to want a life of your own. It’s essential.

I am in a similar position with respect to my husband although my children are young adults. Very rarely does my husband leave home.

I am no longer a wife, but a carer instead.

For me, I very much resented the illness for the change it caused to my husband, to my life and my lifestyle.

Everything about my life changed, mainly due to financial reasons as the drop in income was huge. I had to sell my beautiful home as I couldn’t afford mortgage on my wage. We bought a house that is mortgage free so I don’t need to worry about that aspect, but I strongly resented the fact that I had to do this.

No more holidays, and I felt like I existed rather than lived.

The compassion fatigue was immense so much so that there was a period of time, the only way out I could see was for me to take my life. It got to the point that I thought about it daily, sometimes every hour of every day.
However, that would mean that my children would then need to pick up the caring responsibilities for my husband and I simply couldn’t do that to my children.

Moving forward, one day my lovely DIL, asked if I wanted to go for a walk. To be honest, I couldn’t be arsed but as she asked, I would go.
She took me to a park local to my new house, but I had never been there before.
This was the changing point for me…
There is a 1.5 mile circuit to walk and it is so beautiful, the birds, the deer, the flowers, the otters, the beavers and the people that I have met that know nothing of my personal situation. They don’t feel pity for my husband or my situation.
They don’t ask me “how is your hubby doing” ?
I bought a camera for my daily walks and have had photography tuition, met more new people. I have created a new life which my husband isn’t part of, but it has saved me and it has saved my marriage.

Because of this new life I have created for myself, I have found peace, I no longer resent the illness, I have accepted it, this is how it is to be.

If you’re going to stay with your husband, make time for yourself! And don’t feel guilty about it.

However, if you leave your husband don’t feel guilty about it.

I sincerely wish you all the best, do what you have to do 🧡

There is no medical help or insight. You just eventually get told it’s all in your head so you stop bothering.

The only thing I find odd OP is that you say your children are in Year 9 and 11 but you talk about your H not able to do 'play dates' but he does watch movies with them.

Is that right? So they are 14-ish and 16.

What do they say about him?
It must be very hard for them too.

Sorry if this has already been said but can you reach out to adult social services, possibly get a family support worker? (Unsure if they do those for adults but I had one briefly to help with my sons SEN) They may be able to help you get carers for respite etc.

That's absolutely offensive and inaccurate. She has been holding down the fort and supporting a very unwell person for five years. Five years. She hasn't "skedaddled" whatsoever.

You obviously like to think you are extremely virtuous, but in reality you feel the compulsion to be judgemental and unkind to a woman who has shown incredible grit and compassion for many years and who is struggling.

Be careful you don't fall off that high horse.

Guilt tripping doesn’t help . You have to look after your own health and well being or you could fall sick too. I spent years caring for my Mother with dementia. It was unbearable and crazy making at times. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I am now suffering from an autoimmune disease that impacts my life negatively.

Is he on antidepressants? If so, which type? They can massively help some people with neurological long covid. It can improve physical disability a lot. It can be life changing. You can go from being practically bed bound having to exist primarily in a horizontal position to slowly being able to do more and more each day. On top of the physical improvements the mental health will improve too including suicidal thoughts and anxiety

Tertiary education - as opposed to primary and secondary - so 18+ ie university etc

Perhaps you could discuss with your husband how to shift the balance to you "putting your own oxygen mask on first". All of you depend on you staying well so you need to be looked after, much like the dad in a working class Victorian family would eat first because he is the breadwinner. Is there any more that can be done to ease the burden on you? What would you do if you were a single parent and physically couldn't do it all? Eg can kids drop some activities or work towards getting themselves there, by Uber if necessary? Simplify cooking, ask eldest child to cook once a week (we use Simply Cook).

A carer support group could help you, and look into Young Carers for your children. It's been amazing for my child to be involved with them. Having other trusted adults outside the family who "get it" is transformative. School teachers can play this role for some kids but YC was next level for my child.

Could your husband take a weekend away occasionally or is that not possible?

I think you are asking whether you can, or should, separate households. I don't know where to begin with that I'm afraid. It does sound like you both love each other and he is still bringing a meaningful amount to the table with his relationship with your children.

I wonder if it might be enough to get some mental and physical space from each other while still living together. Would it help you to carve out some sort of private living area just for you, so you could grab some space and be off duty through the week? Garden office, comfy chair and telly in the bedroom. Basically your version of a man shed. It might be a silly idea, just chucking it in. When my anxiety got really bad one of the NHS recommendations I got was to make time to do one thing you enjoy every single day. It's medicine not a luxury. Doesn't have to be time alone, it could be meeting a friend, running club, whatever you want. But I genuinely think it helps you reconnect with yourself and keep a more even keel.

It's not a common term in the UK.
My kids are many years post-uni, I was in education all my life as a career and have never heard 'third level'.

You have tremendous empathy for your husband but I would make a fresh start and move on. Saying you and the children are the only thing keeping him alive is making you feel trapped. Do you sacrifice your own life for the sake of a loved one.

Also for those deliberately putting the boot in, the OP has already left her home, moved areas, taken on more work to support the family and is managing the needs of a SEN teen and ill husband. It’s far from a situation where she’s deserting someone at the first sign of trouble. Long term her kids need one parent who is mentally strong and happy.

@SillyScilly im so sorrry. This sounds incredibly hard and I can feel your pain and fatigue as I read your words. This is a shit situation for you all with no fault, and hard for all of you in different ways.

I’ve had similar (not exactly the same) situation with my spouse several years ago, that lasted a few years. It’s so hard being married to someone with deep depression and mental illness. Adding the physical difficulties makes this even more complex.m for you all.

ultimately, you need to make a decision that is right for you and your children , and I in no way discount the love, care and compassion that your poor husband deserves when I say this.

is living apart while remaining a family and sharing time together an option? Is him living with friend or family when he is really unwell an option?

Can you enlist friends/family/trusted hired help to support you so you can carve out some time to refill your cup? When I was in a Similar situation, the things that got me through the hard times was having Things in place for myself… hobbies, time away from home, support group of people that got it, maintaining my own self rather than being consumed by being a carer.

If you decide for you and the children to live apart from your husband, this is understandable and you need to keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for his mental health. It can feel like you are responsible for keeping a very mentally unwell person alive when you are their anchor, but this isn’t sustainable or fair or even accurate. You are just one person and you are important, your life matters too. You are not a MH professional and can’t be everything for him.

it’s really good that your DH is accessing support. I really hope things get better for him, I truly do.

in my case, things did get better. And things are really good now. The right treatment helped my spouse and when they got the help they needed they got well again- it took time and it was hard for everyone for a long while. I know this isn’t always the case.

sending you love and compassion x

It's not really difficult to work out though. I'm surprised so many posters have been unable to use the context of the post to figure out that third level = tertiary education.

You are a carer now and it's a hard hard place to be. People will judge you for wanting freedom from that awful never ending stress and sorrow but really what do strangers matter.
I don't think we should live in misery for the sake of others for our small time on earth, if there is a path that still allows for love and kindness and all parties to find a better way.
If DH was in a place of his own with regular support and lots of visits with his children how is that different from how he lives now? It's just you who has been removed from the board. Your endless meeting his needs, your keeping the family ticking that isn't really fair.
Marriage vows of course, and it's not like you are talking about pushing him out with his bags one morning. It would have to be a supported move.
I would after 5+ years of no improvement.

I would suggest talking to a professional counsellor or a support group for those in your position or similar.

and it's a cross you all have to bear

There are many ways to "bear" itinclyding making sure it does not drag op down
She needs to survive and be well and happy

What that looks like is to be explored
More respite
Leaving dh alone if that s possible if not get people in to care for him
Not feeling guilt for his suicide ideation or implied guilt (if she leaves he will kill himself...no one knows that )

Look at the finance if he was high earner medical retirement pension could offer a lump sum and financial stability

And nowhere has she said he still loves her or expresses that to her? OR appreciates her? Only that he loves the dc

“however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving”

From your posts, OP, I have inferred that all the worry is on you. However, the quote above also suggests to me that your husband is enmeshed as a kind of NHS ‘customer’ and has adopted this as an identity. Therapy can help, but there is also considerable evidence that it causes naval gazing and victim mentality. What I don’t see is anything in terms of him having a goal, pushing himself to come through this period. Ultimately, his recovery, however partial, is entirely down to him, not the NHS or years of family members relieving him of all responsibilities, stresses and strains.

Does he go for a walk every day? Go to the gym? Take some vitaminD?
Does he make an effort to give some small amount of happiness to others?
Does he have a routine?
Is there anything in his life that diverts his mind to something other than his condition?

its hard one, I would never leave someone under those circumstances especially when they are still very active and very involved with our children, but its easy to say that and thankfully not be in that position. My own thoughts regarding all of our exposure to covid aside and the real lack of support for long covid patients (I also believe covid is actively doing more damage to all of us than people realise), I think its a difficult situation for all involved but I do think if you left with the kids it might actually be MORE damaging for the kids than you realise so do be careful, you could inadvertently destroy your relationship with the children long term if your husband was to do something in response to you leaving. Its very difficult and absolute hand hold, OP!