When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

Can you get some outside support in? Ask social services for an urgent carers assessment for yourself. I once worked with a woman who had acquired brain injury after an accident, which resulted in behaviour that made her extremely difficult to live with. Her husband came to see me to tell me he wanted to leave, but support her from outside the home. I told him he didn't have to feel guilty and we were able to arrange live in care. Her children were young adults though.

Have you / has he come across Nicole Sachs, Dr Alan T Gordon, Dr Howard Schubiner etc on long Covid, chronic pain and its links to trauma/mental health? Alex Howard is great on chronic fatigue too. Not necessarily a cure, but they have some ways to remove some layers of pain/stress (physical and emotional).

Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.

I totally get how exhausting this is. The reality of looking after a household and children might not be much different if you were on your own though - perhaps just a bit less headspace taken up with your DH’s needs. And perhaps harder, as you wouldn’t have him on hand to do the homework and board games etc. It’s not necessarily the easier path.

Have you had any therapy/support yourself to adjust to your new reality? I just wonder if you haven’t really come to terms with it and if you’re pushing against it in a way e.g. pushing against sadness being present in the house, which is exhausting in itself. If DH can be sad and need deep rest (which is what depression is) without needing him to be different or needing to fix it, your sense of burden might ease. Your DH can be sad while you’re happy, so maybe finding a sense of separation and autonomy in your feelings in relation to his might help. There might some grieving to do which would free up your energy (grieving for your old life and coming to terms with what happy/sad looks like now compared to before, perhaps). I think whether you stay with him or leave, these are all things worth looking at for yourself and your own sense of freedom from all these heavy feelings, and might help you work out the best option for you.

He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him.

This is really hard when he’s openly put that onto you. It’s true to some extent - we all need anchors and connections to keep us buoyant in life, and anyone would struggle if they lost everyone. But also adults have personal responsibility for themselves and their actions, and the ability to form new connections. If he did do anything awful, it would be his choice and not your fault. And if you left, he would still have children and still be a father. It might be worth considering having a really gentle conversation (or a few) to broach this with him. You probably already have a sense of whether he’s able to cope with that. This is also something worth working through even before you decided to leave though - because either it enables you to leave feeling a sense of peace that he’ll be okay without you, or, if he’s not placing that burden on you anymore, you might decide that actually it’s not so exhausting and more enjoyable to stay. Or if he’s really not capable of the conversation and not showing any signs of being able to get there, maybe that helps you decide your next steps too.

Very complicated to work through all this. I feel for you.

Actually I think it’s OK to say that you have reached a point of “I just can’t do this anymore” and ask other people to work with you on what the solution looks like.

I know the word “boundaries” is far over used these days, but I think it applies here. If, for example, you have reached a point where you can no longer live with him then speak to him and your support network about what that looks like. Presumably posting here is the first step in that. But OK to explore and then maintain your boundary.

This does sound incredibly difficult. It’s very relevant that your husband is engaging with treatment and involving himself with the children and their lives. Are there any respite options? Someone who could care for him while you and the DCs go on holiday, for example? Just so you’re not having to constantly deal with his issues. A close family member of ours is bed-bound as a result of ME. His wife cares for him outside working hours but they have professional carers who come in during the working day and who cover so she can go on holiday and get a bit of a break from time to time.

This must be so hard for all of you and I am so sorry that you are in this situation. To find yourself in this situation must be shell shocking,

Outside of family life, what interests does he have? Can you get him engaged with something new or re instate some new responsibilities within the household for him, obviously depending on what he can do. Does he/ could he do the online shopping, budgeting, look for new deals on gas or electric? Is there anything he could do to take some weight off your shoulders in terms of housework and also give him a sense of purpose? Even if it’s only bits and pieces.

Is there anything he extra help from a charity to help with any of this? It sounds like the anxiety and depression is a huge thing so getting more purpose in life and also pushing boundaries to get out and about as much as he can and putting him out there again might help. Is there a Men’s Shed locally that might be able to help? Would a form of volunteer work help his mental health eventually?

I think the issue is that, in our marriage vows, we promise to stick it out. Our own personal happiness is irrelevant. We would expect our spouse to do the same for us, if the situation was reversed.

This was a difficult read for me because I have been through a complete mental health breakdown and come out the other side with my husband and children still by my side. I have SO much remorse for what I put them through but I was incredibly unwell and just couldn’t physically or mentally do better at the time. I would understand if my husband had walked away, because it must have been hell and he’d have also done it for the sake of our children. Unlike your husband, I was unable to care for them or give them anything at the time. It sounds like your husband is trying so hard. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard on you OP, I do understand that. But if I were you I would speak to family members and friends and also the NHS, get therapy for myself to have a safe place to vent, get a friend/family member to come in and hang out for a few hours so you can go out and do something special for yourself. Everyone needs a break, completely understandable. While life is short, how would you feel if you stepped away? How would your children feel? I just don’t think I could live with myself having made that decision. I do feel for you because my husband is now unwell and I’m having to deal with that- it’s just one thing after another. But I do remind myself daily what he did for me and how he never gave up and that gives me hope that we will eventually be through the other side.

Also this, from @Chocja, seems like an excellent suggestion:

“Outside of family life, what interests does he have? Can you get him engaged with something new or re instate some new responsibilities within the household for him, obviously depending on what he can do. Does he/ could he do the online shopping, budgeting, look for new deals on gas or electric? Is there anything he could do to take some weight off your shoulders in terms of housework and also give him a sense of purpose? Even if it’s only bits and pieces.”

Also, your children may be old enough to come up with some ideas for how he can help. It’s great that he’s involved with their homework and exam revision.

You need more help. Could you afford to pay anyone to help out in the house more so you don't feel so overwhelmed? You can outsource cleaning, and childcare relatively easily, and you can get a housekeeper who can do cooking and a bit of house organisation and things like popping out to do small errands.
We have a disabled child and have a nanny housekeeper and I think would have collapsed a long time ago if we didn't have that.
Have you had a carers assessment from the local council? That could get you access to more help too. Worth mentioning that without more help you are at immediate risk of family breakdown as that is taken very seriously.

Totally agree with this. You need some support now otherwise you may be at risk of becoming ill yourself. I really hope you get some proper support @SillyScilly

This is going to sound stupid but buy a small raised bed and some potato bags or buckets. Get him to plant some spuds and other veg.

It is the single most helpful thing we have done for my chronically burnt out family member. The pride and excitement from growing potatoes and the small responsibility and routine of daily watering and weeding has been transformative.

If that works, the next steps are beehives and then chickens!

I think it depends on the model you are looking at if you were to separate. Would you be wanting to treat him as if he is still close family in need of regular support? That might be the best way forward.

It sounds like he is a good dad and the kids give him a purpose in his difficult life. And helping with their homework and stuff is actually pretty good - my relatively healthy ex has never done that. So I personally would look at having homes close to each other so that the kids can easily go and see him and you can pop in as well to check in on him or help him get to appointments.

It must be hard living with someone who often feels suicidal and its different to living with someone who just has a physical disability but who can very much keep you emotionally supported.

Many things in your post resonate with me. I also have a husband with a chronic illness. I've cried many times this week alone. I work full time and feel very overwhelmed with doing everything. I also feel very alone a lot of the time. I mourn for the life we should have had because without his illness, we would be very happy together. There is still a lot of love there. But the future looks so bleak. We can't make plans or do nice things because most of the time, he is ill. Our child has missed out on having a present father. I just keep plodding on. It's just that some days I feel completely overwhelmed. It all seems so unfair doesn't it?

I get away for weekend visits every so often - I prep all the meals in advance before going away and make sure that nothing needs to be done. But on many many occasions I’ve had to cut my visit short and come home, so going away is rarely relaxing. We don’t have a lot of support, in fact my family live far away, parents are doddery or passed away. We do have gorgeous neighbours and the kids have friends.

What support are you getting OP? Are carers outreach (or similar depending on area) involved? How about young carers support for you children also? You are experiencing carers burnout, which is sadly common. You need to ensure you are engaging in support services tailored for you and your children and ensuring you are looking after your own well being.

has he had blood tests (showing high crp etc) and scans that show a change - or has he been diagnosed based on symptoms?

Whilst I 100% sympathise with you. I really, really do. You made a promise, in sickness and in health. This is not his fault, nor yours but you made a commitment to one another.

Where does it say that in the marriage vows?

Every day’s a school day, right?
Think of education like this - Pre-school (up to age 4), Primary (4-11), Secondary (11-18),Tertiary (18+)
Tertiary = Third. You see? Not that hard.

I'm in a similar situation and have been for a little longer. What has helped me is building my own resilience and support network because I need a break from the emotional labour and from being around misery. Me and the DC have days out without DH, sometimes with other family and friends and we have had a holiday without him. It does help to have that break and helps prevent being dragged down with the depression.

No one should have to stay in an unhappy situation due to the fear of the other person ending their life and if someone does end their own life it's completely on them, no one else is responsible. That said, I do think it's worth you considering that possibility if you split. Losing someone to suicide destroys people, will you be living the rest of your life with regret and sadness if that happens? People will come along and say it's unfair and you shouldn't have to take responsibility for him, no you shouldn't, but realistically his actions will have an impact on you.
The ages of your children mean there's not that long left of parenting. It's for you to decide if its best to stick it out till their independent and see how things are then or is it best to have those last few years free of DH.

I am the other side of this.

i was in an accident ten years ago that left me with fairly severe physical disabilities and neurological problems as well as chronic pain and fatigue.

there is fuck all support either for the ill person or their family.

medications and therapy only go so far. I will never be well again and this was clear to both me and my family from almost immediately after the accident.

neurological stuff and long covud aren’t fixable through therapy. The therapy is to help to adjust to your new life.

that having been said, I decided shortly after the accident that it was worth staying alive although I did get life membership of Dignitas in case I changed my mind later on.

you need joy in your life. So does he.

find some.

I am now divorced from my then husband. He hated me being ill and but felt he couldn’t leave (we had early teens at the time) so sank into alcohol. I left with the remaining children when he got violent one night.

i have joy in my life. I have three cats who I love and who might like me when I feed them. I’m growing tomatoes and aubergines in my back garden this year and I love eating a tomato straight off the plant.

I sing in a choir (I’m a shit singer and it’s a non auditioned choir) which I love.

find some joy. If you don’t know what makes you happy try things (stay legal, at least at first) until you find one that does.

OP is only human. She has already dedicated her life to years of this. It's awful for him but it's also OK for OP to want and pursue a different life to this. I am pretty sure I would.

Very sad, Op.
Separating will not decrease the work you need to do for yourself and your children.
You say that you still love your husband and that he adores living with you all.
Make some changes that could mean that your relationship remains sustainable and enjoyable.

I suggest that you back off from being the carer of your husband. Find services that will cater for the physical and mental needs that tire you and stress you.

Remain focused on being his loving partner. Take walks, baths, and do lovely things together but call in other help, routinely and without guilt.

And taking baby steps with vegetable growing etc .(listed below) is a practical and fantastic idea for DH.

My thoughts entirely.

My DD28 has disabilities that are not caused by long Covid but present in a similar way. I am her carer. I work 52 hrs a week to survive. I’m 62. It’s exhausting.

Should I leave her, too?

It’s not stupid at all. Being amongst nature and eating the food you have grown yourself is incredibly healing. There’s a reason the NHS prescribe gardening and there’s plenty of very credible research to back up the benefits of soil microbes on serotonin levels and gut health.