11 YO lied and put himself in danger

[Discombobulate48]

I have a fantastic relationship with my kids, we are very close and they’ve always come to me for support if needed however today I’m at a loss and so disappointed that I need some advice about this situation.

11 YO was out with his friends today, called me and asked whether he could go fishing with 2 of them, I told him that it was fine as long as he doesn’t go too near the water or go into the river under any circumstances (he cannot swim) He agreed.

when he got home I asked how his time was, he told me that he didn’t go into the river but his friends did and that he told them it was dangerous, I said how proud I was that he listened and that he was safe.

Not long after I noticed that his clothes were wet up to his torso, he lied 3 more times before admitting that he did go into the river.

I am so disappointed, I’ve told him he is off consoles for the week, he’s going to watch river safety videos and write about why what he did was dangerous. He’s also got to earn my trust back because he’s lied to my face.

He gave me attitude and was rolling his eyes while I was talking to him.

I’m at a loss, so disappointed that he’s done this but just want some advice how to handle the situation and if I’m doing the right thing.

Yabu to have allowed ds to get to 11 and be unable to swim.
Get him booked in for lessons. Until he can swim no gaming.. And mean it.

Being able to swim is so important, and liberating

At 11 I would expect him to have had swimming lessons. It's a life skill and not being able to swim will potentially hold him back/put him in danger as you have found out.

He is booked for 1-1 lessons starting next week. He has been to lessons before that. That’s not what I’m asking.

This is just a recent example https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cx2k9g8mxpgoFamily tribute to boy, 16, after Sutton Park lake death - BBC News

Lots of pools do intense swimming courses in the summer holidays. Sadly that’s often not enough due to cold temperatures, mud, weeds, and obstacles in the water.

Even if he could swim, it's still dangerous to swim in unknown open water (depth, current, temperature etc). I'd be cross too and would not let him out on his own again for a while.

I'd let him read the news reports and look at the photos of all the kids who have died in the water this year, disproportionately teenage boys (who probably didn't listen to their mum's).

Why can't he swim?

I think you - and the parents of the other children- were beyond negligent to allow 11 year olds to be unsupervised in or near a river. I am by no means a helicopter parent but that would be an absolute no from me.

He’s backed himself into a corner he’ll of been embarrassed about not being able to swim in front of his friends which kindly isn’t his fault

He has been to swimming lessons, he knows the basics but he is not a strong swimmer. I’ve booked him in for 1-1 lessons starting next week over the summer holidays.

This. My ds is a fantastic swimmer. I still wouldn't let him go 'fishing' on a river with his mates unsupervised.

Kids fib. Kids do stuff they shouldn't when encouraged by their peers. Kindly, get a grip.

11yo children should not be going fishing without an adult (and after your child proving he can't be trusted I would be saying he can't go anywhere without an adult for the time being).

I’m sorry, OP, I don’t mean to be harsh, but I think you need to take responsibility here. There’s no way I would allow my 12 year old to go to a river with friends without adult supervision - and he can swim! Surely you know how easily kids can be led astray, peer pressure etc - and even if he could swim, swimming in open water is totally different to swimming in a pool. Or what if he had stayed out and one of his friends had got into trouble in the water? Yes, I would punish him for lying, but I would also be acknowledging that my decision making was what had put him in danger in the first place.

We have a few rivers and lakes round here, and there is usually at least one death every year, sometimes two or three. They are almost always teenagers messing around with their friends.

Even being a strong swimmer does not protect you in British waters anywhere near as much as you might think.

A lot of people who drown in open water can swim. But not well enough for the conditions.

He’s made a mistake and lied but I think punishing through removing consoles etc is more likely to get him not telling you in the future.

Sit him down and talk to him. Why he lied initially, how scared you are he’ll get hurt or worse, why he felt it necessary to go into river etc.

Talk through alternative options.

No way would I have allowed an eleven year old to go fishing with friends, if they couldn’t swim.

I’ve been used to water activities since I was 3 years old and I’ve fallen in quite a few times, it can happen so quickly and easily. It’s depressing how many people have no idea of the dangers.

I mean it was highly unrealistic for you to expect him to not go in the river with his mates , on a warm day. So what you do is , you say no, you go and supervise or you teach him how to do it safely, because he’ll do it anyway and just lie (better) about it.

Fishing is a dangerous sport - a really surprising number of people die from drowning while fishing. Most of them probably never intended to go into the water at all.

People also seem to electrocute themselves on overhead cables with surprising regularity.

It's not something I'd be at all comfortable with a child doing without adult supervision. Frankly, I don't think it's sensible for an adult to do it alone!

There's no way I'd be letting an 11 yo go fishing just with other kids. I'm amazed you allowed it even with the restrictions you put on it.

My child is 11
I'm letting her out by herself now at times(depending on where) but I can't imagine letting her go to a river yet without an adult.
And she can swim.

We live near water/marshlands etc and yes I do hear in the news about people drowning. It's terrifying.

That’s not what you said earlier - a non swimmer, not a weak swimmer, was what you said

I would limit what he can do without adult supervision as you now know that he doesn’t make safe choices. You need to supervise more closely or don’t allow him to go.

Personally I'd make his punishment being able to swim 300m....

Why let him go on a trip to the river though if he can't swim?!
Expecting him to go against his group of friends being the odd one out and to stand up and say no at 11 is alot to ask I think with peer pressure and wanting to impress and copy the other lads.
Please take him to swimming lessons ASAP.
A boy in my town died recently because he jumped in the river and couldn't swim so sadly got into trouble.
I am now making it a non negotiable that my kids will do swimming lessons until they can swim confidently.

Swimming 300m in a pool is in no way indicative of swimming safely in a body of open water. I have been scuba diving and water skiing my whole adult life and every year I hear of a fatality where the deceased person was a good swimmer - in a pool.