11 YO lied and put himself in danger

[Discombobulate48]

I have a fantastic relationship with my kids, we are very close and they’ve always come to me for support if needed however today I’m at a loss and so disappointed that I need some advice about this situation.

11 YO was out with his friends today, called me and asked whether he could go fishing with 2 of them, I told him that it was fine as long as he doesn’t go too near the water or go into the river under any circumstances (he cannot swim) He agreed.

when he got home I asked how his time was, he told me that he didn’t go into the river but his friends did and that he told them it was dangerous, I said how proud I was that he listened and that he was safe.

Not long after I noticed that his clothes were wet up to his torso, he lied 3 more times before admitting that he did go into the river.

I am so disappointed, I’ve told him he is off consoles for the week, he’s going to watch river safety videos and write about why what he did was dangerous. He’s also got to earn my trust back because he’s lied to my face.

He gave me attitude and was rolling his eyes while I was talking to him.

I’m at a loss, so disappointed that he’s done this but just want some advice how to handle the situation and if I’m doing the right thing.

I know it's not what you asked, but it's relevant, OP.
I would be more disappointed in myself today than my DS if I were you, that he has got to the age of 11 and can't swim. And as for the punishments you've dished out...!

It doesn't excuse it, but he felt driven to lie through a double whammy of peer pressure & humiliation, I expect. No one wants to be the only child who can't swim in that situation.

Two of my 4 DCs have told lies to cover their tracks when they have put themselves in potential danger. They all know that lying to me is a line they shouldn't ever cross, but they did it nonetheless.

There were no punishments (arbitary or otherwise) & no raised voices, yet I actually think I couldn't have handled those situations any better than I did. I made a point of staying calm, & tried to empathise whilst not excusing the behaviour or lies.

We talked it through till the cows came home. I can not control whether or not my kids lie to me in the future, I can only try and guide them to make the right choices, and just as importantly, make it known that if they mess up and lie again, I will be pissed off & disappointed , but that I'lll get over it & that they can still come to me & tell me, or phone me if they need me, and I will support them as best as I can.

All that you might have achieved as a result of this is that in future, he tries to cover his tracks more successfully. I hope I'm wrong, though.

As he moves through high school, he will need to be treated less like a little kid, and more like a young person who you can reason with.

I would give him a big hug, tell him you understand how hard it is to be the odd one out, apologise for getting him to age 11 and being unable to swim, but discuss what he could do when he finds himself in a similar situation in future (not water based, but in general), and how sometimes he needs to stand his ground, but that you get that at other times, you appreciate that this seems too difficult. Come up with a plan:

Eg...Oh, I've got a missed call from my mum...I'm just gonna call her back...he could call you, say sorry I missed your call, which could be your mutual cue for you to pick him up & ask questions later, meanwhile, he could say to his mates - I've got a doctor's appointment that mum forgot to tell me about, so she's coming to get me, I'll have to go (or some other reason).

I think the writing punishment & gaming ban will just make him resent you & potentially be more sneaky.

I would call him a non swimmer, he’s had lessons with little aqua and has learnt the basics but for reasons beyond my control the lessons couldn’t carry on. Could he float and get to the side of the pool? Yes. Could he swim across a large body of water? No. That’s what I’d call a non swimmer. That’s why he’s starting the 1-1.

I grew up by water and spent my entire childhood in it. As kids who were allowed to roam very freely, going in the water without an adult/older teen around was such a deeply ingrained no, I don’t think we even thought of doing it. And that’s strong swimmers. If you’ve not taught him that I don’t know what you do, I guess swimming lessons is the best choice at this point.

Kids this age will always enter the water, esp. in the summer, you can't stop them. The only thing you can do is either go with him or make sure he knows how to swim. When I was this age, we entered every swamp, puddle or pond that we could find in the summer to cool ourselves down (30+ years ago).

https://rnli.org/safety

Please teach him about cold water shock and 'float to live'.

mopst teens who have died in the water were swimmers-im not syaing don get him to learn but he has to know how dangerous it is or you shoujldnt let him go at all

@Discombobulate48
So why were they even near a river unsupervised? Are you completely oblivious to the statistics around river drownings?

I think water safety education is a fair consequence but I don't understand what gaming has to do with it. It just teaches him that he was right not to own up to his mistake and next time he needs to hide it better.

Instead, I'd suggest showing some empathy and understanding. You can be disappointed with the lying and still understand why he did it. At that sort of age we all started doing thing we knew our parents wouldn't like just because we didn't want to say no and become known as the killjoy to our friends. It is far more important to teach him why it was wrong and come up with a plan for next time, as a previous poster has said, than it is to give some arbitrary punishment that doesn't actually achieve anything.

Also, even if he didn't go in voluntary, there was a real risk of falling in or being pushed in (because kids mess about without thinking about consequences) both of which would have been even more dangerous than wading in up to his middle. I am surprised a whole group of 11 year olds all had parents that dont seem to have seen all the tragic news reports over the years.

He shouldn't have lied but you also need to take responsibility for putting him in a dangerous position.

You can't send some 11 year olds down to a river fishing with no adult supervision and tell them not to go too close to or in the water.
Anyone would tell you that the temptation would be too much and they'd be egging each other on.

Don't put your children in positions where it is hard for them to do the right thing.

Every summer more children than you think drown. Tourist boards tend not to publicise it.

DS is a bloody idiot. Ignore people having a go at you (why?!). At 11 I’d expect a bit more sense than to wade in that deep. Water’s like fire - unpredictable and gets bigger than you very fast.

Also unimpressed by the other kids’ parents. Unless it’s a tiny stream, you don’t leave halfwitted tweens by themselves for hours.

Riot Act + swimming lessons. Well done OP.

You asked how to handle it. Handle it by teaching him to swim. This is your failure, not his.

Dark water public information film from the 70s scared me into not buggering about and I could swim.

@Supersimkin7
The op and the other parents are adults.
The 11 year olds are children.
I would lay the blame firmly at the adults in this scenario. Basic water safety involves adequate supervision - in this case there was none.

How on earth can anyone go fishing without going ‘too near’ the river?

How deep is this river: a trout stream or a proper deep river?

11 year olds are not, IMO, old enough to go fishing alone on hbd banks if a ‘proper’ river even if they can swim. Cold shock, deadly currents…

He shouldn’t have lied, he shouldn’t have gone in the river, and hr shouldn’t have been there unsupervised in the first place IMO

Sorry OP but another who thinks this is on you. You should've said no, none of those kids should be fishing without adult supervision.

Every summer we hear stories of youngsters drowning in lakes, rivers or the sea. I think you are not at all unreasonable to be upset that your son completely ignored you here. Maybe learning about some of the kids who lost their lives in this way will help him to understand.

Jeez!
‘Yes son go and play by the river even though you can’t swim and your friends who probably can swim will be in and out of the water and encouraging you to go in too’
Well that was always going to end well wasn’t it?
Glad you’ve got swimming lessons booked at last and are punishing him for not following safety instructions and lying to you…..despite being wet through! At least he didn’t get into difficulties in the river - give him a hug and explain just how dangerous it was/is.
Struggling to know how an 11yo can’t swim, assume this is unusual but I could be wrong of course.

@MaidOfSteel
Maybe they will help the op understand why the responsibility rests with her and the other parents.

And what punishment do you think you should have for your negligence both in not getting him to swim well and perhaps more importantly not supervising him when knowing he was going into a potentially life threatening situation? He's a very young boy and you are punishing him for what are really your faults. He will now have learnt never to tell you when he's going into tricky situations. Is that the result you wanted?

You shouldn't have let him go fishing. Every summer children die in drowning accidents even if they can swim. The temptation to get into the water on a very hot day is always there.

You put him in danger by not making sure he could swim. He's programmed to be a risk taker - mitigate for the risks.

OP left her half witted, preteen , weak swimmer child unsupervised for hours too!

Sorry I have to agree that there is no way I would have let him go to the river in the first place, especially since he’s not a strong swimmer. I live rurally and near quite a few rivers and canals. We have had a couple of drownings over the years and to my recollection every single one has been a teenage boy with friends. Usually with a suggestion that the friends were better swimmers.

He’s still so young (only year 6/7) and kids that age, especially boys, don’t have the maturity to resist peer pressure or foresee the consequences of their actions.

I agree with getting swimming lessons and giving some consequences but I also think you might need to reset your parenting boundaries TBH- not as a punishment but to keep him safe. I think sometimes kids having phones makes them appear older than they are and also gives parents a false sense of security.

Oh gosh. I think you are right that there should be consequences for lying to you but I also think that was a lot of trust to place in a young boy - children are drawn to water. My daughter is 10 and a decent, competitive swimmer and I wouldn't let her near open water without adult supervision - we have drownings in the loch and rivers every single year - so even with the swimming lessons you have booked I still wouldn't do it. I think you have misjudged.

This is on you for allowing him to go fishing unsupervised in the first place.