11 YO lied and put himself in danger

[Discombobulate48]

I have a fantastic relationship with my kids, we are very close and they’ve always come to me for support if needed however today I’m at a loss and so disappointed that I need some advice about this situation.

11 YO was out with his friends today, called me and asked whether he could go fishing with 2 of them, I told him that it was fine as long as he doesn’t go too near the water or go into the river under any circumstances (he cannot swim) He agreed.

when he got home I asked how his time was, he told me that he didn’t go into the river but his friends did and that he told them it was dangerous, I said how proud I was that he listened and that he was safe.

Not long after I noticed that his clothes were wet up to his torso, he lied 3 more times before admitting that he did go into the river.

I am so disappointed, I’ve told him he is off consoles for the week, he’s going to watch river safety videos and write about why what he did was dangerous. He’s also got to earn my trust back because he’s lied to my face.

He gave me attitude and was rolling his eyes while I was talking to him.

I’m at a loss, so disappointed that he’s done this but just want some advice how to handle the situation and if I’m doing the right thing.

You call him a non-swimmer, yet you let him go and hang out unsupervised at a river with his mates at age 11. Baffling and irresponsible.

I’m afraid I’m with pp - one of your responsibilities as a parent is to get your children to learn to swim. The other is to supervise near water - even a strong swimmer. Every year kids die this way, they just can’t assess the risk accurately. This isn’t a small breach - it could have had devastating consequences and that is not just on him, it’s on you too.

You said he ‘cannot swim’.

People do drown and that’s awful. Can’t speak for others but growing up it was sort of left to us, there was no set age it was more you knew when/where you could handle yourself relatively safely. I was in pools unsupervised from I think 8/9 or so, maybe 14/15 in the surf with mates. Accidents happen of course but this isn’t about that, it’s about an 11 year old not knowing a river isn’t safe for him as a non swimmer.

Your 11 year old can’t swim and yet you let him hang out at a river with his friends?
Did you want him to become another summer statistic??

Very poor parenting for a child to get to 11 without being able to swim. That’s absolutely crucial from a safety point of view.
And very poor parenting to allow a non-swimmer to go and hang out by a river with his friends.
Seriously OP, I’m a bit dumbfounded by this.

hindsight is a wonderful thing. I live near a river. Swimming is neither here nor there. In a cold river. They are always cold. In a cold river in your clothes any lengths you can do in a pool count for nothing. Unless you’ve practiced falling, in getting to the side in your dragging, heavy clothes, and then out again then for all intents and purposes near a river you really can’t swim. It worries me so much.

he shouldn’t have been by a river alone. To be honest I’d be saying look I understand you felt pressure to go in, if we’d talked more about it beforehand we could have predicted that couldn’t we? Let’s think about how we can do fishing with x and y more safely in future because this can’t happen again. Here’s why…don’t bother about taking consoles away, this isn’t in the same order of things, he needs to know you’re serious, don’t punish him the same way you would for some other thing.

You've got a teen in the making. You did the right thing and keep that kind of parenting up. He knows you care but will push the boundaries as he is growing up. It is what kids do. However, their progress depends much on how the parents shape that experience and you are doing just fine. Keep up the structured parenting for as far and as long as you can. Cut him short when he eye rolls, check his rudeness and do it immediately. Tell him that disrespect will be dealt with as it is unacceptable. He will look back in ten years and be able to say 'my parent' cared.

Poor decision to allow him to go fishing or near open water unsupervised by an adult at his young age, swimming ability and especially with friends going too.

I have an older teen DC who has always been drawn to open water: despite having had the talks at school and home wouldn’t have made sensible choices around water at mid teen age - indeed still might not!

Why let a child that age go somewhere like that with his mates knowing he can’t swim when he’s going to feel all sorts of an idiot and embarrassed when his mates went into the water

you should be more angry with yourself for allowing him to get to age 11 without knowing how to swim properly

It's to do with brain development op. Teenagers and pre teens are impulsive risk takers who are led by emotional choices rather than common sense. Give a consequence for the lies but don't expect that to be the last time.

As for swimming in a river, my very strong swimmers were never allowed to hang out by the river due to the aforementioned stupidity of teenagers....which in ny experience as a teacher is exacerbated when in groups.

I’m so glad that at least a few people realise that swimming is not the point here! Please-even if your kids can swim like bloody dolphins-don’t let them near open and particularly running water unsupervised.

Little bit confused as to how all the flat out 'wouldnt let my child out playing anywhere near water' crowd think we manage in areas where you can't walk more than a mile without meeting a river or lake!

There's a river running through my nearest town and lakes all around the area, some huge lochs and some smaller pond type areas.

If and when my son wants to fish I would firstly ensure he has a license to do so and get him to join a club. Choose a lake or river managed by a club that's generally heavily populated with other fishermen - rather than a out-the-way smaller area.

Go to the area first. Scope it out. See where the life rings are, and where the nearest deck is to it. Show your son how to use that. Make sure he has the emergency numbers in his phone and a step-by-step of what to do if someone gets into trouble. Find out when the busiest times are - then make those times the ONLY times he is allowed to go with friends.

The first couple of times he goes with friends (again, after his punishment/water learning project/lessons) id set up my own spot a little further down the river where I could keep an eye on them, or send a friend or family member to do the same.

The best defence against this behaviour is knowledge. The kids who grow up round water, walk past the river every day to go to school, live with the water running past their homes, see the devastation flooding can cause, know how quickly the running water changes, have heard the stories of people who get stuck and carried away etc etc are the kids who can most confidently say NO to peer pressure.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP, as a kid I wasn't a strong swimmer, but similar age we used to go mucking around in the river at the old mill race, we would go for a couple of miles cross country to an abandoned house and muck about in there. On a hot summers day we used to get in through a broken hatch into the water boards underground reservoir and swim lengths in the darkness, or head to the hay barns and climb way up on the bale stacks. All of us are alive and well - tragedies happen, but statistically rarely.

Thank goodness he and his pals are safe OP.
The alternative could've been very different.
I dread these stories in the news every summer, especially with all the heatwaves this year.
I have an 11 Yr old myself, who is actually a club swimmer, but the very thought still makes me shudder with fear.
Any body of water outdoors is unpredictable, you never know what is under the surface.

Don't be disappointed. Be thankful.

Open water without an adult present is a no from me. DS who was 14 at the time had a sleepover at a boys house last year. The boys parent messaged me to ask if I agreed to let them go paddle boarding without her there. It was a resounding no, & DS is a confident, good swimmer.

I’d be kicking myself more than DC! Yes he just followed what his mates did, didn’t do as he said, not great, however he shouldn’t have been there to begin with! If anything happened to him, it would be on you and I suspect you’d have SS involvement for your other kids the moment they realised you gave the activity the ok! Even more so if he can’t really swim. Though even strong swimmers die in these circumstances each year. I hope you take a long hard look at your parenting decisions.

What an earth were you thinking, and the other parents too for that matter?! I’m assuming the other 2 didn’t even ask because I’m struggling to envision 3 different parents saying yes.

As harshly worded as it is, I agree with this, letting an 11yo non-swimmer spend a day unsupervised next to open water is not responsible.

Hopefully the OP has had a useful wake up call.

I think your punishment is overkill and more likely to teach him to lie better instead of not lie at all.

an 11 year old going fishing with his friends has a high chance of ending up in the river either on purpose, by accident or by prank.

a river isn’t a suitable place to play unsupervised even for children who can swim, there is also the legalities about having appropriate rod licences and river licences to be able to fish. You could have also ended up with a fine to pay.

you say you have a good relationship with your son a conversation around why you put the rule in place should suffice.

It’s not enough to just learn to swim.
Dc need to be taught about rivers, lakes and the sea and how to swim safely outdoors and when not to enter the water.

4.5 deaths per 100,000 are due to cycling on a road, outdoor swimming is 0.7 per 100,000 although angling is 1.6 per 100,000.

Tragedies are statistically much more likely to happen to those who are in risky places/situations, obviously.

Open water is not safe for children. Look at the safety rules even for adults who want to wild swim.

What you're describing from your childhood was unsafe. Kids can have freedom without being in that type of danger.

You let him go to a river unsupervised with his peers, knowing he couldn’t swim.

In South Wales a few years ago a young boy died after being pushed into the river by his friends. He couldn’t swim.

Your decision put him in danger, as even if he’s sufficiently mature enough to avoid going near the river, you cannot guarantee or predict what his 11 year old friends will or won’t do. It’s not even the risk that they’ll push him in - what if one of those friends got in trouble in the water? You think your child wouldn’t jump in to try and save them?

This is on you for giving an 11 year old more responsibility than they should handle, and for not ensuring he could swim and knew water safety by this age.

Little bit confused as to how all the flat out 'wouldnt let my child out playing anywhere near water' crowd think we manage in areas where you can't walk more than a mile without meeting a river or lake

I’d have no issue whatsoever with DS being a mile from a river or lake! Just not on the banks of it.

I also grew up in a town with a river running through the middle, and funnily enough there were plenty of other places to play and hang out that were not immediately next to the water. Playgrounds, parks, shopping street, even Tescos car park. None of these places had any risk of me accidentally falling in the river.

Yes my childhood was similar and I know children who did die or got permanently injured from being allowed to explore dangerous farms, equipments and bodies of water unsupervised.

We know better now so what we did or did not do in our childhood is not an excuse. And the fact we survived those childhoods does not mean that everyone did.

There’s a difference between being near water , and specifically going to a river , to do a water activity, as a non swimming, 11 yo unsupervised for hours. As you well know, as you made a pretty long post about mitigating risk. The main thing, even before swimming (so many swimmers drown ) is a healthy respect of bodies of water.OP did none of that. Her risk assessment was “don’t go in the water” and reliance on an 11 yo to comply.

Tbf, maybe the kid wasn’t in any danger at all , the river might be shallow and slow running, and he only went up to his knees and was wet from splashing around rather than swimming/going deep. But then, why the restrictions and anger/punishment towards the kid?

At 11 years old, they are at an age where they are moving away from being a young child, and towards the heights of teenage years. This age is where the journey of finding themselves begins.
As parents, it is our job to ensure they have all the life skills necessary to ensure their safety throughout their journey. This includes being able to swim. Being honest is the key to freedom, which they will quickly learn at this prime age. They will rely on this freedom and to be able to go about and try new things knowing that we trust them to take the necessary measures to keep safe in the absence of our presence.
Kids will make plenty of mistakes and will push all the boundaries. All we can do as parents, is ensure they know why they need to make good choices and how to do that.
Kids should have freedom to do things, and to trust them - until they give you a reason not to.