11 YO lied and put himself in danger

[Discombobulate48]

I have a fantastic relationship with my kids, we are very close and they’ve always come to me for support if needed however today I’m at a loss and so disappointed that I need some advice about this situation.

11 YO was out with his friends today, called me and asked whether he could go fishing with 2 of them, I told him that it was fine as long as he doesn’t go too near the water or go into the river under any circumstances (he cannot swim) He agreed.

when he got home I asked how his time was, he told me that he didn’t go into the river but his friends did and that he told them it was dangerous, I said how proud I was that he listened and that he was safe.

Not long after I noticed that his clothes were wet up to his torso, he lied 3 more times before admitting that he did go into the river.

I am so disappointed, I’ve told him he is off consoles for the week, he’s going to watch river safety videos and write about why what he did was dangerous. He’s also got to earn my trust back because he’s lied to my face.

He gave me attitude and was rolling his eyes while I was talking to him.

I’m at a loss, so disappointed that he’s done this but just want some advice how to handle the situation and if I’m doing the right thing.

I know you told him not to go into the water and you're upset that he did, but even if he had obeyed you, there are so many other possibilities.

What if his friends all got to roughhousing and he got pushed into the water, either on purpose or by accident?

What if he dropped his rod or creel or something else into the water and went in to retrieve it?

What if he slipped on the bank or the shore and fell in?

It's not even about the fact that he "disobeyed" your instructions. There are other dangerous aspects to fishing when one cannot swim ASIDE from the fisher entering the water themselves willingly.

Punish him for disobedience and for lying if you must, but honestly your permission for him to go fishing when you KNOW he's not a good swimmer is 100% on you. You should have said "no" unless you knew there was going to be an adult present.

You knew he cannot swim well. You let him go unsupervised to an open body of water.

THAT part of it is absolutely on you.

You're right about swimming lessons. I live in a city and found it really difficult to get swimming lessons. Even just finding accurate information was difficult - and living in a city doesn't mean you've got a ton of pools on your doorstep. My area is very poorly connected (this became more obvious to me during covid when there wasn't a single vaccination centre in the area - you HAD to travel to one). We ended up going into the next local authority, and we were fortunate to be able to afford it and to have time and means to actually get there. Private lessons weren't an option.

I'm a non-swimmer and it was important to me that my daughter learned young but not everyone has the means.

My kids are older now but have been in club / academy for years. I would never have agreed to this trip. They don’t know or do know but don’t understand about cold water shock, and the whole scenario is just ridiculous.

I used to live by Sutton park and I remember the last time a teenager drowned in the lake there. Definitely get your son lessons. It's too dangerous not to

What you did is correct and I’d remove unsupervised fishing as he cannot follow instructions and the temptation/peer pressure is too much.

I was fishing and fell in the river trying to pull my net out. It can happen in an instance and the weeds and the mud can get to you in an instance.

drowning is quick and horrible if he does not understand the importance of water safety then he is not safe near open water unsupervised. This could’ve gone wrong very quickly.

I think you know the answer OP. He needs to learn to swim properly and be able to swim multiple lengths.

He needs to not go fishing until he has learnt and unless the river is small and relatively safe, he shouldn't be anywhere near it whether he can swim or not.

It's almost impossible for a child of that age to be around friends and not get dragged along with reckless behaviour they wouldn't normally engage in. It's our job as parents to see these situations coming and protect them from it. So the mention of going near a river to play would be a hard no from me.

I don't think it's anything about swimming ability though, even good swimmers should be supervised around water at that age.

Rather than taking consoles, I'd get him to do a project on what the actual dangers are in outdoor swimming.

And once he has some swimming skills, then find some outdoor swimming places he can have further lessons, because knowing how to swim across a warm pool in your trunks, having got in via the ladder or dived in knowing it is safe is nothing like falling in, or like assessing river or lake conditions, assessing entry/exit points, assessing temps, current, prepping for acclimating to temps, prepping for after drop, evaluating fitness and ability, knowing how to negotiate a current (across it, not against it)...

As PP have said though... you let him go to the river with his mates, in warm weather when the chances of some of them wanting to go in the water were high.

I would go less with the punishing route and more with the discussion route, about why it was so dangerous and what could have happened, and then what he can do next time he's under pressure to do something dangerous. I tell my children that they can always use me as a scapegoat, say that I've told them to come home straight away, or that I've threatened them with a grounding if they even think about doing X etc.

But yeah, as everyone has said, he should not be going fishing unsupervised when he can't swim. Especially not at a river. I live somewhere with lots of open water and its very normal for kids to go swimming with mates and no adults from about 10 years old and they don't drown (drownings in my country are nearly always middle aged or older men who have been drinking and got on a boat), probably because they are all swimming in open water since they were toddlers so used to the differences in swimming in open water compared to pools but even then I'd say no to fishing unsupervised at a river because rivers are a whole different level of danger to lakes because of currents, and being more difficult to get back out of.

@nolongersurprised what age would you let dc fish or be near water unsupervised?

A lot of older teenagers unfortunately drown so what age do people think dc can be unsupervised around water, is it ever?

When I was a similar age, I used to tell my mum I was going swimming with friends. So it wasn’t a lie, but it was swimming in a disused quarry pool of water. It was disgusting, and so dangerous. I was a good swimmer though, and I spent 4yrs at the side of the pool so my DC could swim. It is a basic life skill, but I still wouldn’t want them going into a lake. I’d be refusing fishing with his friends now, until you can trust him. Bit daft of him to lie to your face when the evidence is right there. He could have thought of a reason as to why he had to wade in.

Well your unreasonable for allowing him
anhejere near a river in his own at that age. I wouldn’t let me 16 year near water in summer with his mates. Disaster eating to happen.

Rivers are way more polluted than the water companies have been letting on, too. That's easily found on the news. He'll be swimming in shite, sure that'll put him off.

He probably could swim. It sadly doesn't prevent you from drowning.

And yet you still let him go ‘fishing’? You’re the one who made a bad call here, not your DS.
Yes, he should have a consequence for lying to you, and yes he should learn to swim but you need to accept that an unsupervised child should never be allowed near open water without adult supervision.

To be honest-while I can see why people are so focussed on the swimming, I’m more concerned that you let an 11 year old near running water without adult supervision. Even if he was a strong swimmer he would be in danger in a waist deep river. Yes,he should learn to swim. But that’s not the important point here. You shouldn’t have allowed this regardless.

YABU for allowing an 11 year old to go fishing when he can’t swim. An activity that is right on the edge of the water, unsupervised, with friends is crazy. Any horseplay and he could have been pushed in etc.

you mustn’t let him go again without an adult

How to deal with DS's deceptive behaviour:
No more outings with friends, due to lying. Under no circumstances can he be trusted out of your sight with his friends.

He has to earn trust back again.

Separately, DS needs to learn to swim. Weekly swimming lessons for three years and joining a local swimming club will allow him to gain life preserving skills, become purposefully fit and to make new friends.

My issue is with the lying here more than the swimming (fwiw @Discombobulate48, my dad couldn’t swim but regularly fished including sea fishing. He understood the water and tides, took precautions).

whether your child can swim or not is irrelevant. Strong swimmers still get into trouble because they don’t know the dangers. Or think becasue they can swim, they will be fine.

you but a boundary in (no entering the water) becasue you knew there was no one to supervise. Your son ignored you. The punishment has to reflect the behaviour though. For me, he’s now not allowed to go fishing/near water until he’s completed the swimming a lessons as well as a water safety course. If that means he is not allowed out with his friends unless you supervise him, so be it.

he has got to earn your trust again. So give him opportunities to do that.

This is the perfect opportunity for him learn how to swim and where not to swim. He'll also learn about safety.

Another vote for beware of being too punitive, or he will simply try to hide things better. (I did this myself as a teenager when I was afraid of my parents' reaction, got into huge spirals of lying, and didn't ask for help when I needed it.) The "taking him off his games consoles" is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction and unrelated, but not allowing him out on his own is more related.

The only person to blame here is YOU!!

What on earth were you thinking, letting an 11 year old boy go off to a river unsupervised?? Are you insane??

The level of stupidity on your part cannot be overstated. You are very lucky your boy came home at all. Utterly mind-blowing! 🤯🤯🤯

But it's precisely what you are concerned about - that something dreadful could have happened. If you already knew he was able to swim your decisions wouldn't be the same around water.

It is too tempting. I would definitely risk it and go in the water so wouldn’t expect an 11yr old not to.