11 YO lied and put himself in danger

[Discombobulate48]

I have a fantastic relationship with my kids, we are very close and they’ve always come to me for support if needed however today I’m at a loss and so disappointed that I need some advice about this situation.

11 YO was out with his friends today, called me and asked whether he could go fishing with 2 of them, I told him that it was fine as long as he doesn’t go too near the water or go into the river under any circumstances (he cannot swim) He agreed.

when he got home I asked how his time was, he told me that he didn’t go into the river but his friends did and that he told them it was dangerous, I said how proud I was that he listened and that he was safe.

Not long after I noticed that his clothes were wet up to his torso, he lied 3 more times before admitting that he did go into the river.

I am so disappointed, I’ve told him he is off consoles for the week, he’s going to watch river safety videos and write about why what he did was dangerous. He’s also got to earn my trust back because he’s lied to my face.

He gave me attitude and was rolling his eyes while I was talking to him.

I’m at a loss, so disappointed that he’s done this but just want some advice how to handle the situation and if I’m doing the right thing.

I can’t believe you let your 11yo go fishing near a river, knowing he can’t swim - for hours without adult supervision.

That’s shocking.

I think they’re way too young to be by a river alone tbh and that’s negligence on your part and the other parents.. the risks are huge. He needs to be able to swim xx

Would you let him play near the traffic without having taught him road safety? If you haven't taught him how to swim you don't let him play near a river. Reckless decision OP

I think the mistake was to let him go unaccompanied by a body of water, when he doesn’t know how to swim. Until he can, then he really can’t go to the river to fish. What if he fell in?

To be totally honest, it’s bad parenting on all fronts to allow 11 years old to fishing by the river on their own. Very, very reckless.

Of course he shouldn’t have lied and you do need to follow through on your punishment, which I think is fair. If he continues to have an attitude about it and roll his eyes, and if he hasn’t yet apologised, then extend the punishment.

Hopefully he can soon have swimming lessons. I know some kids take longer to get it than others. I spent silly amounts of money on my sons swimming lessons and really got nowhere. One summer he finally got it off his own back!!

Glad he’s okay. Be careful going forwards..

@Discombobulate48 many people do not realise just how dangerous water is!! I live in an area with lots of rivers, streams, burns, waterfalls and lochs and I have lost count of the youngsters who have drowned. totally underestimating depths and tides and not being competent swimmers. search and rescue becomes search and recover very quickly!!

God, terrifying OP. I feel for you.

I'm glad I live in a country that does swimming in the curriculum in Primary school.

And I get it's not always possible to do that in UK.

Like my brother-in-law said about raising children...

"Get them into a good school, teach them to swim and teach them to drive".

I agree with this.

When my dd was a teen, she lied to me and dad about where she was and did something that put her at risk.

We didn't suspect and only found out when she owned up a couple of days later. She knew that she shouldn't have lied but didn't see that she had done something very stupid.

We could have shouted and grounded her and given other punishments but that wouldn't have achieved anything other than make her less likely to confide in us in the future.

It was much more effective to explain the risks and talk through how she should have behaved differently.

He was in danger the minute he was allowed to go fishing unsupervised,

I agree.

My Australian children have grown up near water. They are strong swimmers, we also have a pool. My 11 year old is not considered an amazing swimmer by local standards, but can swim 2km in a pool and well over his head in the ocean.

there is no way I would have let him fish on or near a river unsupervised.

His ability to swim or lack there of is a bit of a red herring.

Very strong swimmers have drowned in rivers. Any number of factors can combine to make it extremely dangerous.

The real issue here is that your ds was too young to be trusted to not do something stupid in this situation, as sadly too many boys his age and their parents find out.

You cannot expect an 11 year old to not give in to peer pressure or simply not just do what his friends are smoking so as not to feel left out.

You should have realised that and rather than tell him he could go but not join in you hauls have given a flat no or gone and supervised.

This is my view too. Honestly I was slightly gobsmacked to read that and others not to comment. Swimming lessons might mitigate some risk but by no means all of it. Kids need supervising near water at 11.

It is on the national curriculum in England - but thirty 30min lessons are not enough to teach you to swim competently in open water if you are complete non-swimmer to start with!

DS has been swimming since he was six months old, and is now 8 (obviously there was a bit of a gap during lockdown but only six months or so in total).

He can swim 100m convincingly, and I would still never dream of letting him play near a river without an adult. I’ve seen him panic and go under in unexpectedly cold (waist-deep) sea water with me right next to him (I reached over and picked him up), so he would be completely unable to self-rescue if he fell in a river. It is completely different to being in a pool.

gone and supervised.

FFS! She's probably at work. I presume you're a stay at home mum with a husband bringing home the bacon?... not for vegans, obviously

I often read threads on MN and roll my eyes at the ridiculous helicopter parents who won't allow their children any reasonable freedom or independence. But this thread is the exact opposite. My heart sank reading what you had allowed your son to do. A group of 11-year-old boys should not be allowed to go fishing in a river without supervision. Full stop. Even if they were all excellent swimmers, you would be asking for trouble. For a child who can barely swim, it's shockingly neglectful.

Of course he went in the water. He's too young to have any real sense of danger and it can be so difficult for children to withstand peer pressure.

I wouldn't punish him, but I'm not really a fan of punishments in general. I would absolutely have a series of discussions with him, about both issues: the danger he exposed himself to and his dishonesty. I would also increase supervision for a time, not as a punishment but to keep him safe.

I have to agree. Open rivers, lakes and seas. Much supervision needed until much older. It’s not enough to be a ‘good’ swimmer as an 11 year old in those types of water. Boy goes to retrieve stuck line or lost lure, slips down riverbank… etc. Even adults have to be cautious. Eleven year olds lie - so do teenagers. No matter how good the relationship. It’s a developmental thing.

An 11yo is too young to be sensible enough to stay out of water. I’m a little biased because my 10yo is not the most sensible, but clearly nor is your 11yo, and my 10yo is a good swimmer.

Yea, terrifying really.

Nature is fierce and always will be more powerful.

Reminds me of that poor woman falling into the river a few years ago.

Why are 11 year olds out by themselves?

So many kids drown in the rivers and lakes each summer and I’m sure many of them did know how to swim but rivers and lakes have many more hidden dangers than swimming pools. Obviously it would be better for ops DS to know how to swim but I still think, at 11, swimming in open water with no adult supervision is inherently dangerous and that op is not overreacting.

Those of you shocked that an 11 year old can't swim are showing your privilege.

I think it's something like 60% of primary school aged kids can swim 25m.

A lot of families live in poverty. They go hungry or cold, their parents struggle to provide the basics.

I am not saying this is why the OP'S child isn't a competent swimmer. BUT there may be a great number of parents reading this thread who simply cannot afford swimming lessons because despite them wanting to provide them their money simply doesn't stretch that far.

I live in a low income area. The average adult reading age here is age 11. Poverty is high. Aspiration for education and even general skills like swimming is low. Health is poor. Access to services is tricky. Etc.

Personally I did pay for swimming lessons, but the costs of them were covered by my child's DLA (which given that drowning is the number one cause of death for autistic children I made a priority spend as we lived very close to a river)! I see everyday families having to make hard choices with stuff like this. Not everyone has this on their list of choices. 😔

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OP: I don't think punishment is the way to go. Sit with him tomorrow and tell him your anger at him lying, and fear at the thought of him drowning affected how you reacted.

I'd ask he watch lots and lots and LOTS of water safety stuff. That he research deaths in open water, and the stats of how many of them were teens.

I'd also do a lot of troubleshooting of how he can avoid dangerous or risky situations with peers. Help him think up some ways to leave or walk away etc whilst still saving face. A code word he texts you maybe so you can call, and he can blame you that he has to leave for example.

I do agree that letting a load of kids this age go fishing without an adult and saying he could go if he didn't get too close to the water was a bad judgement call and I think that's another thing to discuss with him, that we all make mistakes and are constantly learning.

Keep the door open or next time he won't open up to you.

11 year olds are fine to go to the local park, shops, cinema on their own.

But not playing unsupervised in a river.

In the 90s and early 2000s as we all know a large number of parents were pretty neglectful. I remember swimming unsupervised in open water, rivers, lakes, canals. Many tweens and teens were jumping in off bridges etc and we were sliding down wiers. I honestly can’t believe non of us died. A friend nearly did but was saved by a much older teen. Absolute madness. My point is that tween and teens are likely to go in water on hot days in summer if they are unsupervised with their pals. We also fished as tweens and teens and many accidents happened, including fish hooks stuck in hands etc… luckily parents are a lot less negligent these days. I wouldn’t let my pre teen go near any water, even a swimming pool, without a competent adult present. She can swim well and I have hammered home the dangers to my dc because we do live near a few bodies of water, but I still wouldn’t risk it.

Get him swimming lessons.

Quoting this post from fairly early in the thread as it is so important. All the posts about swimming lessons are all very well (I would never say don’t learn to swim), but the key message for OP’s son is not to go into open water full stop.

I know a few posters have made this point, but it really bears repeating amongst the myriad of posts which seem to imply learning to swim would make going into a river safe. It really really won’t.