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Original poster

11 YO lied and put himself in danger

175 replies

Discombobulate48 · 20/07/2025 21:45

I have a fantastic relationship with my kids, we are very close and they’ve always come to me for support if needed however today I’m at a loss and so disappointed that I need some advice about this situation.

11 YO was out with his friends today, called me and asked whether he could go fishing with 2 of them, I told him that it was fine as long as he doesn’t go too near the water or go into the river under any circumstances (he cannot swim) He agreed.

when he got home I asked how his time was, he told me that he didn’t go into the river but his friends did and that he told them it was dangerous, I said how proud I was that he listened and that he was safe.

Not long after I noticed that his clothes were wet up to his torso, he lied 3 more times before admitting that he did go into the river.

I am so disappointed, I’ve told him he is off consoles for the week, he’s going to watch river safety videos and write about why what he did was dangerous. He’s also got to earn my trust back because he’s lied to my face.

He gave me attitude and was rolling his eyes while I was talking to him.

I’m at a loss, so disappointed that he’s done this but just want some advice how to handle the situation and if I’m doing the right thing.

OP posts:
LancashireButterPie · 20/07/2025 23:57

Our area has river chaplains who patrol the river and send unaccompanied kids home.

RantzNotBantz · 20/07/2025 23:58

Swimming lessons will not eradicate the risk of falling in a river and it’s worrying that so many people seem to think ‘it’s fine, he can swim’

Two fully grown women who can swim drowned in a pool on the path to Yr Wddfa recently. Those adult paddle boarders who all drowned in a river could swim…

mumoronegirl · 20/07/2025 23:59

I think 11 is too young to be out and about for any length of time without an adult, especially near water. He stays with you or other adults this summer as he has proved he cannot be sensible or trusted, and then next year you start to let him have a little more freedom, but only in safe places for an hour or so. Work up from there.

Interested in this thread?

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11 year olds Families
coxesorangepippin · 20/07/2025 23:59

He needs to learn to swim.

Negroany · 21/07/2025 00:02

Don't you need a licence to fish anyway?

Internaut · 21/07/2025 00:02

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 20/07/2025 21:50

At 11 I would expect him to have had swimming lessons. It's a life skill and not being able to swim will potentially hold him back/put him in danger as you have found out.

But, to be fair, being able to swim doesn't guarantee safety when swimming in rivers and lakes. The best swimmer in the world can be affected by the sudden shock of very cold water, or can get cramp, or can get caught up in weeds or injured by rubbish in the water.

Hiptothisjive · 21/07/2025 00:04

You let an eleven year old who couldn’t swim go by himself with friends to a river to go fishing.

So of course he goes in the water. You are lucky he is with you now to tell the tale.

Have you lost your mind?

TurquoiseDress · 21/07/2025 00:07

Stripeyanddotty · 20/07/2025 21:54

I think you - and the parents of the other children- were beyond negligent to allow 11 year olds to be unsupervised in or near a river. I am by no means a helicopter parent but that would be an absolute no from me.

This 100%

My DC is 11 too & has completed his level 10 swimming…but there’s no way in hell I’d allow him near open water unsupervised with his friends…what could go wrong?
The possibilities are chilling

Lauren1983 · 21/07/2025 00:14

RantzNotBantz · 20/07/2025 23:58

Swimming lessons will not eradicate the risk of falling in a river and it’s worrying that so many people seem to think ‘it’s fine, he can swim’

Two fully grown women who can swim drowned in a pool on the path to Yr Wddfa recently. Those adult paddle boarders who all drowned in a river could swim…

Great post. Being able to swim and being safe around water are not the same thing.

I might be biased as I can't swim (yes people can get to 41 and not be able to swim and yes I had lessons) so this instantly puts me at great risk of drowning compared to a non swimmer apparently but I don't go into rivers or lakes, surf, open swim, paddle board, white water raft etc. I keep away from water so I actually feel less at risk than people who can swim.

Fridaynightfish · 21/07/2025 00:23

YANBU - whether he can swim or not, it’s safer to stay away from water that you aren’t familiar with.

Sadly a local boy died while playing in the river - he got caught and pulled under. He was 11 or 12, an absolute tragedy.

Namechangerage · 21/07/2025 00:23

Hiptothisjive · 21/07/2025 00:04

You let an eleven year old who couldn’t swim go by himself with friends to a river to go fishing.

So of course he goes in the water. You are lucky he is with you now to tell the tale.

Have you lost your mind?

This sums up my thoughts pretty well.

Outside9 · 21/07/2025 00:23

Poor parenting

coxesorangepippin · 21/07/2025 00:24

Interesting how the thread was titled, and how all the reactions are the same but don't really respond to the jist of the thread.

Brings home how important swimming is!

Cos kids do lie, and make mistakes, they all do.

Mumwithbaggage · 21/07/2025 00:28

I've always banged into my chidren (now 31 - 21) that I may very well not approve of what you're doing but don't lie. Nothing's so bad we won't come and rescue you.

Must say, in our rural area mine probably swam in the rivee and went fishing at that age, but had been snorkelling abroad since 4. I definitely remember picking up many soggy kids (not all mine) from the waterside but there was always a parent/grandparent around in case it all went wrong.

I would tell my dc how much I loved them and didn't want them to be hurt and remind them I never judge but will always be there to collect them if the others are doing something they think isn't sage (blame me - I don't mind) and just tell the truth even if they know I don't approve.

SheridansPortSalut · 21/07/2025 00:29

"he’s going to watch river safety videos and write about why what he did was dangerous". - wtf?

What you did was dangerous - you let him go to the river, unable to swim properly and expected him to not to act like an 11 year old.

PaxAeterna · 21/07/2025 00:34

I would just have a chat and ask how he ended up going in the water. Did he feel under pressure or what happened? Tell him how dangerous it is. Teenage boys die every year swimming. You could show him some of the news stories.

But ultimately I don’t think it was safe to let him go.

Needsleepneedcoffee · 21/07/2025 00:38

It's education that he needs on these matters, not so much punishment.
I knew how to swim, but as an 11 year old I was swimming with friends in a local lake. I was under shoulder height in water until there was a ledge that dropped (now I know!) Over 20ft.
I still have NO idea how I got out. I was fighting hard but I got into trouble and I felt myself giving up. I always considered myself quite a strong swimmer until that point.

Also look up drownings each year with him. There's always atleast one drowning death in the river near my house each year, and I would be shocked if that wasn't fairly normal for everywhere with a local river.

He needs to understand those rules aren't you being a worrier, but legitimate concerns being raised about his safety, this happens to many families each year.

SiameseBlueEyes · 21/07/2025 00:48

I have been actually swept down a river many years ago My school had rugged New Zealand phys ed - the idea of risk assessment would have been seen as effete nonsense. We were fording a river with three people holding onto a log to weigh us down. I was one of three sixteen year old girls on the log - the three lightest girls in the class. The inevitable happened. We got swept away. I was probably the weakest swimmer but I swam for it. The other two were still clinging to the log being carried down the river and had to be rescued by burly boys. They were almost certainly stronger swimmers than me. So first of all you need some swimming skills and then you have to have some common sense. We were in real danger - we were in a tributary and if we had been swept into the main river we would almost certainly have died. And honestly, it happened so fast and the current took us by surprise. We just couldn't stand against it. The particular river is described as "not inherently deadly" but "it's crucial to be aware of the risks and exercise caution."

My son learned to swim as a teenager. He had a real fear of water before that and I said he still had a chance to learn. He gamely agreed. He was years older than the rest of the learners. He started off with 1:1 lessons and then group lessons. One of the highlights of the term for the group lessons was that they got a an inflatable in the swimming pool, got some waves going and threw the children out of the boat. It was to teach them how to cope if they ever hit the water in a boating accident or however they ended up in the water.

Inyournewdress · 21/07/2025 00:52

Swimming skills are very important and I am glad he’ll be doing more lessons.

That said even if he could swim really well, this was an insane situation for him to be in. I don’t think three 11 year olds should be out unsupervised in general but to be out fishing/near a river is shocking. They can’t be trusted to make good decisions and that isn’t changing any time soon.

Soontobesingles · 21/07/2025 01:06

I’d say this is your fault more than his. It’s a hot day. Kids around water will get into tat water if they are hot. No 11 year old without massive reserves of authority is going to not do what their mates are doing/succumb to peer pressure. I’m all for kids having freedom but allowing an 11 year old who can’t swim to go fishing unsupervised with a load of other kids is a really bad move imo. Whack yourself on the head with a newspaper and then speak to your son about the dangers and work with him to improve swimming skills. Also, all of your children will lie to you as the pas through adolescence - it is very normal and in fact health as they pull away from the family to establish a sense of self. It is also normal and healthy to do stupid risky things - of course also terrifying for the parents - but most people do idiotic things in their youth and come out unscathed. So you have to be rational about what is bothering you here - if it’s the danger your job is to teach better risk management skills.

EllasNonny · 21/07/2025 01:32

I won't add to the chorus of even if he could swim, it was far too dangerous to fish without an adult present. Is there a local 'Swimsafe' course near you?
I live on the coast and the RNLI run ours. It's free. I cannot overestimate the dangers of water. You got off lightly with lies and some wet clothes.

ToInfiniteaAndBeyond · 21/07/2025 01:44

He’s an 11 year old who gave in to peer pressure as hundreds of millions of 11 year olds before him have done. This was entirely predictable.

It was incredibly negligent on your part to have allowed your child to participate in a water activity - with no adult supervision - when they are not a strong swimmer. It’s also incredibly negligent to have allowed him to reach the age of 11 without being a strong swimmer.

Also agree with previous posters that your leaping to ‘punishing him’ by removing consoles is likely to be counter effective - now he’s even less likely to tell you the truth next time.

ShallIstart · 21/07/2025 02:06

Firstly, there is no way I would allow my 11 year old to fish near a river without an adult. And he can swim. But its too dangerous. Please dont take that risk again, the risk is too great. There have been 2 children drowning in the thames this year and one 15 year old who drowned in a swimming lake near me. There are so many hidden dangers.
11 year olds will follow the crowd. They will so what the others are doing. Peer pressure is too great no matter how sensible they usually are.
Sorry but you have to say no to fishing.

Waterweight · 21/07/2025 02:54

I wouldn't punish him for this. I also wouldn't let him go unattended near water if he was unable to swim to be honest.

I think this is a parenting issue & if he's now keen to do more like this swimming lessons will pay off massively

Theres no good age to learn how to swim so keep at it.

MsAmerica · 21/07/2025 03:32

When you say your son was rolling his eyes, I'm wondering if maybe the relationship isn't as "fantastic" as you think it is.