DS20 is unemployed, depressed and dangerously overweight - I don't know how to help

[AngelikiEvangelia]

My adult son has been out of work since Christmas and his mental health has massively deteriorated. He has always struggled with overeating, but now he goes out several times a day to buy tubs of ice cream and tubes of pringles that he'll eat all in one go. His room is full of empty bottles of Dr Pepper, crisp packets and pizza boxes.

He's constantly applying for jobs but not getting anywhere. He's now so overweight that he's getting out of breath just walking upstairs at home. He's only 20.

Does anyone have any advice? The jobcentre staff don't seem particularly helpful, and anything I suggest to him just gets a 'yeah maybe' (which means no). He's been referred to the local IAPT service but he's still waiting for an initial assessment.

I am just so worried about what his life is going to be like if things carry on like this.

How does he pay for it all?

Has this come out of the blue? Was he ever passionate about something - can he do more of that? Is he on antidepressants - can he get some? Can you get him on WLI - has done masses for my mental health besides helping me lose weight.

He gets universal credit.

He's on antidepressants. Don't you still need willpower on WLI? He's very resistant to anything that might involve him eating less junk food.

Is he neurodivergent?

How much is he paying you for Board a week? Could you up this and give him a deadline for finding a job even if it is part-time? Sadly you can not force him to change his eating habits but maybe by charging him more rent and giving him a deadline to either find a job or a room let might encourage him to work

No, my experience of WLI is they removed the need for willpower

Could you get him to go on one walk a day with you? After breakfast and/or dinner would be good if possible, it will help with his mood and being together doing something may help him verbalise his problem.

Does he have any skills or a trade? Could you support him while he did an apprenticeship in a trade? They can make serious money and there’s always work going in construction etc! Plus the physical work will aid his health and losing weight.

He was diagnosed as having ADHD three years ago.

Because he gets universal credit, he must have a coach/mentor/person at the job centre who he sees. If so, there is course that the King's Trust run to help young people.
It's a 12 week course I think and it's aimed at helping young people to develop in their confidence and to gain vital skills for employment. Its called the Team Programme and my son completed it this year.

Before that, he was low on confidence and spent his time in his room. He still hasn't found a job yet (he is trying very hard) but he spends his time volunteering in a local charity shop to get experience and to give back to the community.

I don't expect him to pay me anything; this is his home.

Good to know - thanks

I've tried this, many times. Sadly, he won't do it.

But where are the boundaries and expectations on him? He is just drifting and needs some structure around him which may involve being expecgted to contribute to the household bills as an equal. He isnt a child, he needs a role

Is he medicated for his ADHD and does he take it, when is his next medical review for that?

Ah binge eating, low dopamine/serotonin and low mood/anxiety can feature frequently with ADHD. It may help him to develop a stronger understanding of supporting his mental health with having ADHD.

There’s no easy fix, better sleep, exercise, fresh air and nature, social connection, medication if low mood or anxiety is becoming a significant issue and he doesn’t feel able to manage alone

@TheChippendenSpook good on you for giving constructive advice rather than how does he pay for snacks etc,a deadline to find a job isn't helpful he needs a helping hand to get out of his rut.👍

He's previously worked in retail and was really good at it. We've discussed apprenticeships but he says he doesn't want to commit to something like that unless it's something he really wants to do - and he doesn't know what he wants to do.

You’re not doing him any favours OP.

The trouble is if junk food is his comfort he may not want to stop eating it, in which case he won’t want to take them.

It’s very worrying OP, I know.

The key thing obviously is to get him out of the house and doing something structured - the king’s trust suggestion above is a good starting point.

If he got on that, he might be motivated to try WLI alongside it, and perhaps look for an apprenticeship from there?

Better to do almost anything than slob around killing himself with Pringles.

I’d insist he did voluntary work a few days a week at least.

Oh yes, I've seen those courses! I really want DS to join one but so far I've just got 'yeah, maybe' (which means no). I'm really glad it's been positive for your son.

I agree. His home or not, he’s an adult who should be contributing.

He’ll still be doing this in 10 years if he’s not forced into responsibility.

I think the mindset needs to change around that, I think too many people either genuinely believe or just say it because it kicks the problem into the long grass, that they only want a job or apprenticeship for 'something they really want to do'

No, lots of people are working in jobs that pay the bills and put food on the table and give you a bit of a social interaction, and thats the sum of it. That is perfectly good enough and something to aim for if you dont have a job

If he is good at retail, then being back in retail will validate his self worth because he is doing something he is successful at.

He probably needs to be pushed a bit harder

If he has ADHD the food may be linked to dopamine-seeking, especially if he is depressed. Poor love.

WLI are great, but medicating the ADHD also might be. Weight loss can be a side effect of the ADHD medication as it’s a stimulant but also there’s a redacting in the dopamine-seeking for some.

The other side is that he needs boundaries. He pays you for keep, he participates in family life, he doe chores. Those aren’t negotiable.