DS20 is unemployed, depressed and dangerously overweight - I don't know how to help

[AngelikiEvangelia]

My adult son has been out of work since Christmas and his mental health has massively deteriorated. He has always struggled with overeating, but now he goes out several times a day to buy tubs of ice cream and tubes of pringles that he'll eat all in one go. His room is full of empty bottles of Dr Pepper, crisp packets and pizza boxes.

He's constantly applying for jobs but not getting anywhere. He's now so overweight that he's getting out of breath just walking upstairs at home. He's only 20.

Does anyone have any advice? The jobcentre staff don't seem particularly helpful, and anything I suggest to him just gets a 'yeah maybe' (which means no). He's been referred to the local IAPT service but he's still waiting for an initial assessment.

I am just so worried about what his life is going to be like if things carry on like this.

Hasn't OP tried some of these and the DS has refused?

Seriously OP none of these suggestions will work until he gets a hold on his ADHD.

’Tough love’ doesn’t work with ADHD. People with ADHD simply can’t ’get Into courses on cooking’, it doesn’t work like that. It’s a debilitating thing to endure for some (not all). Get a hold on that first then focus on the rest.

She will need tough love to get her DS to take his meds, no? Currently he is not.

I'm just explaining how we have made small breakthroughs in an almost identical situation. Sometimes the same things, framed differently, work.

Agree with all of those saying he needs to address the ADHD, and medicating it could make a big difference.

Does he have high blood pressure or is it just a general worry?

I would be setting expectations: he needs to pay rent (it's your home too and you don't get it for free!), and pay for his phone etc. He needs to take ADHD meds (will help him be employable too, and if he loses weight his BP won't be so high), and then you can work up to further expectations re going on courses etc.
Do less for him and expect more of him and he will step up.

How can you make an overweight adult -albeit a young one- do anything?
My autistic DS is the same. But refuses to acknowledge he has a problem. He does no exercise but I can not make him much as I would like to

OP you sound very nice but are you possibly being too gentle with him? Sometimes not being firm with your children (even when they’re 20) is doing them a disservice. They do need some expectations. When I was growing up there was just an expectation that when you left education, you worked. If for any reason you didn’t my mum would leave a chores list so long you’d be desperate for a job! He can’t just eat and sit in his room all day and say ‘no’ to every thing. Well he wouldn’t be able to if he was my son…

I would reframe charging him board as helping him against the binge eating. If he has less money to spend, he can’t go out several times a day to get this type of food. He’ll possibly end up in a life threatening position if he carries on the way he is. My son is a bit of a compulsive spender (ASD and ADHD) and sometimes I have him transfer all of his allowance to me and I put it in an empty savings account with his name on it so he is forced to save. At first he complained about it but now he happily agrees, because he knows it works.
I have also explained to him that the purpose of this funding is to help pay basic cost of living while in between jobs. So things like phone costs, study or work travel costs, accommodation, toiletries etc.

I think encouraging your son to volunteer in a charity shop or other worthwhile retail is a great idea. Having a purpose, daily structure and somewhere to go is critical for mental health. He could do this while slowly losing weight and regaining his confidence. A voluntary organisation is less likely to be put off on appearance grounds and may have a greater appreciation that your son needs patience while finding his way.

Does the social security service (I have forgotten the UK name) have a disability employment wing? I am linking my son up to them as they provide a lot more mentoring, workshops and support, even driving you to an interview and giving moral support if you need it. Their staff will even negotiate with businesses to create work placements.

Well you can stop enabling it to a point.

charge rent. Not pay for phones or video games.

WLI just makes you have a small appetite -please encourage him to try it.
I’m 71 and was prescribed ADHD medication - it’s life changing. Unless he has high BP for some hereditary reason get him to see someone,a psychiatrist, to prescribe it.

That’s really one of my worst nightmares for my DC.
Seeing them squander their youth obese, unhealthy and depressed.
Sympathy to you OP, it must be really really
hard and there’s not going to be a quick fix. He needs to want to get healthy, escape depression, and to get a job. You can’t help unless he wants help. Pay for therapy?? Possibly.

@LiliwenI pay for nothing. Phone was bought outright as a birthday present a while back.
Even if i charged rent he'd still have enough to buy all the junk food he wants as he has no hobbies- that's where all his money goes,& as we all know part of junk foods attractiveness is thst it is cheap.......

Who is going to employ someone obese and unfit- there isn’t a shortage of unskilled workers

My home is my home. I still pay for it, it doesn't stop it being my home. In fact, if he contributed financially wouldn't that give him more of a sense of legitimacy and belonging? And must be better for his self esteem and self respect.
He won't learn the skills of coping without food by avoiding learning them.
Nothing will change if nothing changes but you can't do it for him. But you can change your approach to him. Treat him as an adult and that includes adult expectations like contributing to your shared home financially and practically.

If it was me, the whole internet would be going off for a start. Then when there was a commitment to job hunting it might go back on. I read on here about far too many youths wallowing in their bedrooms, playing computer games, rather than progressing their lives. It’s grim and hugely worrying. More boys seem mentioned than girls.

I might not take rent from an ADHD child
but I would insist on
meds
exercise
a healthy diet
and volunteering if nothing else.

If he feels like retail is his thing then I think it would be a really good idea for him to volunteer at a charity shop. Firstly it's something to put on his CV that will avoid him getting an ever bigger gap in employment where he has done nothing, secondly it will hopefully help with his self confidence and make him feel useful and thirdly it will be keeping him busy so he is less likely to be constantly binging. I've also heard many very good things about the Prince's Trust (as was).

Perhaps tell him that you feel he needs some support right now and you want to work with him to get him back out there and feeling more confident and happy again. Do some research yourself if possible on local charity shops and on what's involved in working with the Kings Trust and sit him down, talk him through the options and get him a bit enthused about going in one direction or the other - or perhaps going down both routes and seeing what comes of each.

I have a young adult with ASD and this is what I would be doing with him, gently helping him with each step he needs to progress things. Others may say 'but he's an adult!' But when that adult is ND they may emotionally be 3 years behind their peers, and struggle with so many things related to executive function and they need more help and support when they are struggling.

I would also talk to him about having a savings account - perhaps controlled by you - so that he doesn't waste all his money on junk.

There is no reason not to have a job with ADHD. Over the past few hundred years people with unmedicated ADHD have had jobs. This kid has been to school and done A levels. Letting him do what he wants his contrary to his best interests. If action is not taken now, his life will be over.

Is that a joke? Most of the population is obese and unfit and we do have a shortage of workers in the UK

Yes.

You haven't mentioned if he is spending large amounts of time on phone/tablet/ laptop/ computer.

He needs less screen time.

Can you pay for a life coach for a few sessions?

Thank you for all the advice - it has given me loads to think about.

A few things:

Charging a family member rent doesn't fit in with my values. I respect that other people feel differently about this, but it isn't something I am going to be changing my mind about.

I don't buy junk food. I cook pretty much everything from scratch. He pays for his own phone and computer games etc.

I definitely don't think it's more important for my son to be thin than happy. He can no longer walk even short distances without becoming breathless. This is not about aesthetics; I am terrified for him.

Oh I'm so sorry, this must be hard.

What part are you most concerned about? Health, depression, desire to work?

Does he have friends? Do they work?

What is he most concerned about? Could you afford a family therapy session and go and talk about your feelings and hope he can talk about his?

It doesn't sound like his meds are working, a review with the gp sounds an achievable goal.

Weight loss injections are incredible for those who need them, he probably wouldn't be able to eat all the junk whilst on them and if his main issue is cravings that'll go.

Tough love does work, particularly in situations where your mental health prompts you against yourself. He needs the push to change things otherwise it will just get worse. No one is saying kick him out, just start creating expectations of him.

My DD also has a tendency to stay at home 24/7 and binge eat. I’m well aware it’s a ED. Start charging board to curb the binge eating and create a rota. DD eventually ran out of money and surprise, surprise, got a job. She tried for ages to get a remote one but finally admitted defeat and now she’s doing 100x better by having to get out of the house and go to work 2-3 times a week.

He needs to pick something to do. Either online or in person but he can pick even a short course. DD was very combative about this (a lot, a lot of push back) but she knew her options were either full-time work or uni. She eventually begrudgingly applied to uni and a few months after that got that part-time gig.

I’d be wary of WLI on someone so young just from personal experience with other weight loss medication but that can be addressed with the doctor.