DS20 is unemployed, depressed and dangerously overweight - I don't know how to help

[AngelikiEvangelia]

My adult son has been out of work since Christmas and his mental health has massively deteriorated. He has always struggled with overeating, but now he goes out several times a day to buy tubs of ice cream and tubes of pringles that he'll eat all in one go. His room is full of empty bottles of Dr Pepper, crisp packets and pizza boxes.

He's constantly applying for jobs but not getting anywhere. He's now so overweight that he's getting out of breath just walking upstairs at home. He's only 20.

Does anyone have any advice? The jobcentre staff don't seem particularly helpful, and anything I suggest to him just gets a 'yeah maybe' (which means no). He's been referred to the local IAPT service but he's still waiting for an initial assessment.

I am just so worried about what his life is going to be like if things carry on like this.

Do you have a partner or husband?

Sounds like he needs some structure in his life. If he isn’t work or paying board then he can contribute by cooking dinner 3 /4 times a week for you all.

this way he can learn about healthy eating and portion sizes. ultimately you can’t force him to treat himself kindly but him being more and more unable to be active will mean he won’t be able to do the work he is qualified for.

the job centre is rubbish when it comes to actually helping you find work. Is there anyone in your network or you wider family that can help with jobs? Or a recommendation?

I appreciate this is an emotive subject for you, but you are reacting snarkily to peoples suggestions. Not all suggestions will be suitable for your son but people are just trying to help.

I do think you are going to have to be more assertive in SOME way . If is not charging rent, restricting food then there has to be some other contract with him that makes him understand continuing as he is isn’t an option.

This

. he has to start somewhere so what if it’s 2 years or so? If he really doesn’t like the apprenticeship he can quit it’s not a blood covenant.

he’s done a retail job for how many years and it’s not made him any more successful finding a role.

sometimes as a parent you have to put your foot down. Basically you do some sort of course / training/ volunteering if you are going to live here for free. That’s it. give him August to make a choice on what and from September he starts.

So what are you willing to do to help OP? Your title seemed like you wanted suggestions. Maybe you feel like you’re hitting a brick wall because you’re not open to all the options?

Can you get him out walking with you a few times a week as a start. Then start to do healthy eating plan with him.
It will be very hard for him to change these habits on his own and you kind of need someone to mirror and do it alongside.
Walking a little then building it up and making sure breakfast is healthy and filling.
Also enrol on a course of some sorts for social interaction more than anything

So you can charge him rent but keep it aside as savings. He can see the pot build up and use it for driving lessons and towards a car.
I know people that have put a lock on their fridge ehen their adult DCs were eating them out of house and home, there wasnt any fall out over it, thry accepted it
You can meal plan with him and do it together. Eat the same healthy meals together.
Theres a lot you can do but youre being too passive about it. Sugar addiction with adhd is a thing. It gives a dopamine hit and becomes addictive. Thats why a lit of adhd people self medicate with recreational drugs too. Same as a sugar addicition. The dopamine hit needs to be replaced by something. Either thats meds or excercise.
And yes, I would remove the sugar from the house or keeo it locked away. You wouldnt leave a bag of crack in front of a recovering addict. Sugar is just as addictive.

@AngelikiEvangelia
Have you been blunt with him?

You are worryingly overweight, this isn't vanity sweetheart it's health, you are 20 years old and getting breathless going up a flight of stairs, there are 70 year old grannies that could outrun you. You are eating yourself into an early grave.

This is so much easier to turn around now, cut out the junk food, start cooking and eating with us, I can teach you how to make "home made KFC chicken" it's so much nicer, summer is a great time to start, we should eat together at a table, talk, play cards. What you are looking for isn't at the bottom of a MacDonald's carton.

Your body needs vitamins and minerals, your brain needs proteins, healthy fats to function correctly.

You are an adult now so need to start acting like one, and fine go running to Dad saying "mum says I'm fat" you are you are fat and you are getting fatter and can't walk up stairs.

I'm not saying this to upset you I am saying all this because I love you and am so desperately worried about you. Sometimes with love sweetheart it has to be tough love it can't all be unicorns and rainbows. I don't want to bury you. I want to help you and see you grow into an active, productive young man.

Something along those lines.

If he's depressed, being out of work won't help that, add in weight gain and it's a vicious circle. As someone who eats when they're upset I know how it makes me feel afterwards, so it's also a vicious circle. He will also not have much confidence in himself. So he needs to take baby steps and tackle things one at a time.

Could you encourage him to go to a gym, maybe some of his friends could go with him, maybe some of his friends already do and they could help him with some kind of plan. Or most gyms would help write some kind of plan for him. It gets him out of the house and seeing his friends. Could he get a personal trainer once a month? And despite what people think, the gym is a safe place, people tend to be nice and non-judgemental.

Could he volunteer a morning a week? You could try places like the local food bank. It would help get his confidence back, my parents volunteer at our local food bank they have someone with autism volunteering and they speak of him fondly. A friend used to volunteer at the local hospital.

He could maybe do an evening course or a part time course at college. It doesn't have to be a career building course but it could be something he's interested in.

I personally would tackle the weight first because losing weight would help him gain confidence. The rest could then follow.

As blunt as this sounds and with kindness, you are enabling him.

Hes comfortable and right now he needs to be uncomfortable enough in order to actually move forward, this means visiting the GP, counselling, finding support groups and actually seeking out ways to try and help himself.

My mum and dad always charged us a small amount of rent when we started working but what they did was actually save it (we didnt know this) and when we moved out they gave us it all back to help with the costs.

I understand your son isnt working but he is living and eating in your home and he needs to understand that his benefits are meant to go towards his ability to survive - not purchase luxuries.

You also need to start setting boundaries.

Honestly OP you sound as apathetic as he does and it's frustrating reading your list of excuses.

The current situation is not working. He is vastly overweight and damaging both his physical and mental health. It cannot continue so something needs to change.

I do have sympathy. I have a parent and a sibling with ADHD and I know it's hard, especially with binge eating. I also had a period when I left school where I didn't know what I wanted to do and was on benefits. It was making me depressed to be honest because my self worth and motivation was on the floor. It's a viscous circle so something you have to try to snap him out of.

In my case, my parents also didn't charge me rent although I think the suggestion of charging him but saving that money for him is a good one. What they did do though is expect that I did some volunteering and also had to do jobs around the house if I wasn't working. Those were their rules if I was to stay living at home rent free as an adult.

So I had to contribute to the household. Cook dinner a couple of nights a week, clean the bathroom, mow the lawns....whatever. I also volunteered in a charity shop two days a week which got me out of the house, seeing people and gave my week structure. From there I got a job pretty quickly and haven't looked back!

Tough love is still love. Your love for him at the moment is contributing to his problems.

I reacted snarkily to someone making a ridiculous suggestion that I get rid of totally normal foods from my house. As far as I'm aware, I haven't reacted snarkily to anyone else.

I disagree that everyone on this thread is trying to help. Some people seem a bit too keen to point out what a 'lazy slob' my DS is and how much they resent their taxes paying for him.

I very much appreciate and am taking on board all the really useful advice from many of the people on this thread, particularly those with experience of ADHD and of supporting young adults who are struggling.

There’s your first problem. You’re enabling him. So damaging.

He needs to forget the doesn't know what he wants to do attitude and just do anything he can do for now. Nothing like a job you don't like much to make to think about what you would like better. You should be taking some 'keep' money too. It is his home but he isn't a child. He shouldnt have 316 quid a month to spend on junk food. He should be doing some volunteering if not working, doing some studying at home as there are loads of free courses. Job centre work coaches can't work miracles but if he is engaged and willing with a good attitude they can offer things to help but if young people say no, they can't be forced usually. The longer he does this the more unemployable he will become.

I'm not sure that will help. He will already know that he is a fat lump. Pointing it out won't make him think 'ooh whoopie I never realised this' and jump up from the sofa and suddenly change his life around. It will only make him feel even worse about himself which will make him eat more as he will be thinking what's the point in giving up the only thing that gives him some (temporary) pleasure in life.

I think that you will have to help on the emotional side and the ADHD meds side first. Would he play something like Pokémon go (or one of the variants) on the phone so he has a reason to go outside, instead of because he has been told to go outside? Would he play any Switch or Wii games that would encourage movement like a drumming game?

@AngelikiEvangelia I would ask the GP (he'd have to go as he's 20) for a direct referral to psychiatry so then you can discuss with them ADHD medication which will work best for him. Some people do it twice a day to keep then focused, or one that might not have specific side effects. Then you can also discuss antidepressants with both GP and psychiatry. Try and see about the IAPT wait list (if anything can be done to see someone sooner) or look for any local council services or charities. Then perhaps look at WLJ they often help people numb the 'food noise' and reduce their desire, so then he can build up to walks and more motivation especially as the medication helps him.

On jobs and apprenticeships, what qualifications does he have? I'm assuming he has decent GCSEs, did he do A-levels or BTECs? Try to get him to reflect on them I.e what did he enjoy? What interested him the most? He doesn't need to pick a life long career, people change so many careers all the time. Just get him to do something he enjoys now and that will get him training - so that he's not in a stagnant job. Training will get him more opportunities long-term and also then he'll have something to work towards, getting more skills etc. I'd look at some of the government's new apprenticeships from Skills England (there's lots of range) and they all have an element of training etc so he can get a start in a career. I don't think not charging him rent is a problem, but slowly I would except him to do things around the house. As he's struggling try and make it small things - picking up the litter in his room. Even if he did pay you the money, he might just start to further disengage with any ideas you give him, but you could use it as threat to get him to the GP etc, if more gental ways don't work.

There are always people who have opinions without any experience of neurodivergent behaviour. I spoke of my son in an earlier post. I did (and still do) hide “excess” food and bring it out slowly otherwise pre medication, he would have happily sat and eaten a 22 pack of crisps. He is not deprived of food at all, but I do limit the stuff that he will happily inhale. Medication has improved this no end. Your situation is a bit different in that he has access to his own money.

I really feel for you, it’s such a difficult thing to manage. I suspect once he feels better about himself, he will feel more confident with finding a career path forward. Do encourage him to go to
the GP to talk about meds and see if he will let you support him with that.

Well I dont think only people with experience of ADHD behaviours must reply. There’s a range of things that can be done. Some will relate to his ADHD, but other actions too as people have suggested.

Agree that the ADHD is the first thing to address here. I think you need some professional advice tailored to your son and need to be firm with your GP about this.

People with ADHD respond well when they know exactly what is expected of them and what their role is especially when this comes from an external source (eg a parent or an employer). Therefore being unemployed is a nightmare for ADHD people because there is no structure to their day and all the drive to organise themselves needs to come from within. The open ended nature of searching for and applying for jobs and the lack of (and the never ending options of!) things to do with their leisure time is overwhelming. When overwhelmed they fall into paralysis and the longer that goes on, the harder it is. Of course this is true for everyone, but it is much more extreme for those with ADHD. Voluntary work has been a great suggestion and will build his confidence and gently get him used to being out and about. Retail is good as staff often have defined roles and set hours so this is maybe why it suits him.

See if he is willing to work with you to create some structure to his day. Start small. Be aware that sticking to this could be felt by him as a "demand" which is hard.

He likely has low dopamine and this is what the junk food is satisfying. He needs to find another way of getting a dopamine hit, medication can assist with this. Many ADHD people find that exercise or going to the gym/running/weightlifting is a good substitute. I appreciate that he will be at a difficult starting point for this but if you can educate him around this he may be able to gradually get into it and help himself in the long term. If finances allow, a sympathetic personal trainer might be what he needs to get him started.

You will probably find that addressing one issue at a time will make it easier and other issues will probably naturally start to become easier to tackle.

Sorry if I'm telling you what you already know. My son has ADHD altho he is younger, (I also have traits) and I have colleagues with ADHD. It's very difficult.

I think most of us pay to live in our homes - even if there's no mortgage everyone has to pay utility bills, council tax and for any entertainment/ media (TV licence, any prime/ Netflix type subscription, and for internet connection).

My children started paying 250€ a month once they finished education, before that they didn't pay. It's nothing around here especially as it included all "normal" family food (but not special snacks or unnecessary protein powders etc. not intended for everyone to share) - a room in a houseshare around here starts at 600€ a month plus bills.

Paying something is part of being an adult, it doesn't have to be market rent. All your income being disposable income is unique to childhood pocket money.

If you can afford it, I’d suggest getting him into CBT. There was terrific advice from a previous poster pointing out that he’s trapped in depression and anxiety. I’m currently on antidepressants and having CBT alongside has been amazing at helping me to understand where my anxiety has come from.

If you’d asked me 6 months ago if I was worried about anything, I would have truthfully told you “no”. Turns out I was reeeeeally wrong about that.

This sounds sensible.

I also overeat when stressed, tired/ sleep deprived and/ or unhappy and make very healthy choices when happy. For me stress comes primarily from feeling out of control or unable to change an undesirable situation for the better. Being unemployed would definitely hit that button!

My mother was extremely controlling about food and it was counterproductive (she bought nothing at all that could be called a snack, took our easter eggs and rationed us to finger nail sized pieces once per day after dinner until what was left suddenly "disappeared" because my dad had eaten it, and limited my breakfast toast to half a slice whilst alternating between crying whilst trying to force feed my underweight sister like a fois gras goose and praising her for being "lovely and slim" 🧐

I'd also overeat something I didn't want if what I did want wasn't available. Even now I know that if I want an ice-cream I have the self restraint to simply not have anything, but should I try to fob myself off with a somewhat healthier ice lolly I'll find it want the ice-cream even more after eating the lolly - I know to eat what I'm craving or not eat anything at all, as I'll eat and eat other things otherwise.

I see why you may feel bad about charging him board OP however you could save it (secretly) and keep it aside for him to put towards a house deposit in the future? Ultimately he's an adult, you pay for your home and it doesn't make it any less of a home for you!

This will also mean he has less to spend on crap food...

@AngelikiEvangeliai think your plan sounds sensible. I wouldn’t focus on the weight issue, he will already be aware and you don’t want to create any more of a battle ground about food, but focus on positive actions and positive attitudes. For what it’s worth, I went through a very difficult few years as a young adult which included a terrible relationship with food. My parents were always pointing out my failings, which hurt terribly as the food issues were a symptom of underlying medical and psychological issues. What helped was trying different activities including temporary jobs, volunteering, joining an evening class and eventually living independently. I went on to get good qualifications and a successful professional career, so those early dodgy few years, although really difficult at the time, didn’t have a disastrous impact.