DS20 is unemployed, depressed and dangerously overweight - I don't know how to help

[AngelikiEvangelia]

My adult son has been out of work since Christmas and his mental health has massively deteriorated. He has always struggled with overeating, but now he goes out several times a day to buy tubs of ice cream and tubes of pringles that he'll eat all in one go. His room is full of empty bottles of Dr Pepper, crisp packets and pizza boxes.

He's constantly applying for jobs but not getting anywhere. He's now so overweight that he's getting out of breath just walking upstairs at home. He's only 20.

Does anyone have any advice? The jobcentre staff don't seem particularly helpful, and anything I suggest to him just gets a 'yeah maybe' (which means no). He's been referred to the local IAPT service but he's still waiting for an initial assessment.

I am just so worried about what his life is going to be like if things carry on like this.

Thank you. I will talk to him about seeing if he can get back on ADHD medication.

Thank you.

I'm most concerned about his health at this point. I'm so worried that he's going to become seriously ill.

He does have friends. They are all either working or at university though, so he mostly chats to people online.

Charging a family member doesn't have to mean you take and keep the money. It can be that you take it and give it him back as a deposit to rent or buy. You're doing him a disservice at the moment, because he thinks housing as an adult doesn't cost, wheras it does. He's being treated like a child, so he's acting like one. 14yos live at home, don't pay rent and spend their pocket money on pringles. It's perfectly normal to live at home at 20, but that should have a nominal cost attached to it. £20 a week rent would get him into good habits of paying rent. It's all £20 less spent on pringles.

He’s an adult being given money for doing nothing & you’re letting him spend it all on crap food. You need to take some for his rent. Get him to save so he can rent a room somewhere & develop his independence.

You’re enabling him unfortunately & he’ll still be with you at 50.

Elvanse will help

Apprenticeships are soooo much better now. I suggest you spend some time with him looking at all the different opportunities out there. Retail has apprenticeships.

But you do have to let him know that carrying on as he is isn’t an option.

Just to add - the first line stimulant medication prescribed for ADHD (eg lisdexamfetamine, brand name Elvanse)
does have as a possible side effect an increase in blood pressure.

however it is not the only medication available for ADHD! There are non stimulant medications which do not have blood pressure side effects, and are frequently prescribed to those who can’t tolerate the stimulant medication (eg atomoxetine).

OP, I have ADHD. The snacking struggling is real. Medication could help him. It would also help him with executive function /focus, which helps with self confidence . ADHD is absolute murder on the self confidence, as one finds oneself simply not doing stuff which one really wants to do!! It feels like (it is) being out of control. It’s hard.

I also have ADHD and used to binge eat. I was talking to my psychiatrist about this yesterday. As PP said, It's a way of getting a dopamine hit - in which case be needs his ADHD meds reviewed. He probably needs a bigger dose.

If you refuse to take rent off him (even to save it for him) then you may as well go and buy him all the food. You’re enabling him. You’re ensuring he has more disposable income to buy crap. You know he will use it to buy more food which you know is damaging his health. All because you have some weird pride about your values regarding rent

Is he in therapy?
He's got to get a mind reset and support.

ADHD meds vital.

Will he listen to Dad more? Sorry if no dad..

Just my son, Autism, listens more to Dad than me. He wants to please him/ he's his role model etc

Go to gym together?

^This.

You are providing him with money, basically, for which he has to do nothing.

Not charging my son rent really isn't the same as going out and buying junk food for him.

My parents had a lot of failings. A hell of a lot actually in hindsight. However the flip side of their coldness was they wouldn’t stand for this. Any time I mopped or got lazy they made things 20x more uncomfortable than the existing underlying level of toxicity. So silver linings. Not a childhood I wish for mine. But in some ways it was helpful.

So my suggestion is maybe try a firmer route.

He's lost his life vision. I have taken to myself to mentor few young colleagues

not medicating adhd for executive function is out dated (only for exams) he will need the meds for all
aspects of his life to function- suggest back on them or a psychiatrist appointment to work out how to navigate adulthood with it. ADHD has an age adjustment on 30% and the brain keeps developing u til 30 so medicating at his age is Important. Plus a reminder to parent the adjusted age (so 14/15) is helpful for us - so he needs to be told about budgeting, healthy eating, demand avoidance etc rather than assuming he has it all sorted and it’s an active choice he is making. Feel for you - as it’s hard and a long road.

How else are you proposing to stop him buying it if he doesn't see why he shouldn't, and wants to keep buying it?

Perhaps educate him on his adhd and ensure he is paying for his regular therapy / appointments / etc so he has less £ for food but also is taking control of his health. He is in a very fortunate position atm to have the funds to fully commit to adhd balance given you support on the accommodation and food. He might not be in this position in-the future so should use this time to set his health up well- just a suggestion

Yep this. You're enabling him. This is a 20 year old adult! He's not exactly a catch for future partners and you're not doing him any favours.

..from someone with adhd.

Presumably he's not spending literally every penny of his money on junk, and you're not proposing OP charges him every penny he has in rent? I don't think the "charge him rent = he'll magically stop buying junk" maths adds up here at all.

Separately I'm amazed at how many people automatically charge their adult children rent. It's a totally alien concept to me - my daughter is only small but throughout my 20s I didn't know any friends who lived with their parents being charged rent. And they weren't automatically wasters!

Not necessarily, no. There are other ways to get through to people other than ‘tough love’. It doesn’t work for me, care and genuine love does though. I am not taking my meds currently but a caring chat from my mum has made me reconsider. There was no ‘tough love’. It also doesn’t typically work on people with depression.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned, I've only read your posts OP. Some antidepressants cause increased appetite. I was on mirtazapine for a short while and had to stop because my appetite was insatiable. Eating well and in moderation is one thing I've never really struggled with so it was a real eye opener feeling like I had no control over it.

Worth checking if it could be (at least in part) linked to medication.

I said you may as well as buy it. Because that’s what you said he’s spending the money on.

you could charge him rent to save for him- this would actually be helpful for him if he is not currently able to save due to spending his money on food. then it’s win win. Savings for him. And less money for junk food which you’ve said is causing massive health problems

I don't expect him to pay me anything; this is his home... Charging a family member rent doesn't fit in with my values

OP - this isn't about you.

Building and launching an independent adult is what parents are supposed to do.

But you're babying him. Treating him like a dependent child. This approach isn't helping him progress.

It's not about taking money off him, it's about helping him change his mindsets and grow his ability to adult.

A nominal amount of rent from his universal credit, contributions to the food shop, the bills - putting this in place will help him do that. And leave him less cash for snacks.

You could even put the money he gives you into a secret savings account instead of paying bills with it and use it to help him later when he's progressed; say towards renting his own place, season ticket to work, etc.

Have they not offered him courses and open days st the job centre?

How about trying Princes Trust?

Also have a look at ADHD UK - lots of useful resources, free online groups, workshops.

When he does find something consider applying to Access to Work or Able Futures for a job coach.

Also helpful : https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/