DS20 is unemployed, depressed and dangerously overweight - I don't know how to help

[AngelikiEvangelia]

My adult son has been out of work since Christmas and his mental health has massively deteriorated. He has always struggled with overeating, but now he goes out several times a day to buy tubs of ice cream and tubes of pringles that he'll eat all in one go. His room is full of empty bottles of Dr Pepper, crisp packets and pizza boxes.

He's constantly applying for jobs but not getting anywhere. He's now so overweight that he's getting out of breath just walking upstairs at home. He's only 20.

Does anyone have any advice? The jobcentre staff don't seem particularly helpful, and anything I suggest to him just gets a 'yeah maybe' (which means no). He's been referred to the local IAPT service but he's still waiting for an initial assessment.

I am just so worried about what his life is going to be like if things carry on like this.

You are not being kind to him by not charging rent…you are enabling him to become more obese, which will lead to him becoming more reclusive. He sounds as if he’s in poor health already. Take the money and save it in an account for him, that should surely align with your values.

This is really good advice, thank you. I'm so glad things worked out for you ❤️

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I'm struggling here to get a sense of whether he will take advice or just descend into apathy and have no hope in and advice helping him?
If the latter, I'm pretty sure all these little chats and advice will not help because they will all feel hopeless or too much effort.
You need to think what incentive you can put in place for him to take small steps.
This approach (SPACE, there's a book as well as professional services) has helped us immensely with our teenage ADHD DS and his anxiety.
It has a good track record with Failure to Launch (young adults who don't have a plan or do anything for themselves).
But you must be prepared to treat him differently, including not doing things for him that you are currently doing.
If you don't change, nothing is going to change.

He doesn’t have to see this as a commitment but a way to get experience. To try something. I’ve known some of the students I work with to stay on apprenticeships for 4 months! And they used that as a stepping stone.

Could the careers service help? Or UC may have a specialist adviser he could come under (dd had this)

The kings trust course pp mentioned is a good option too. Clears the cobwebs, helps with work exp/ cv.

Now is also a prime time to apply for a course at college. He could have something in place in case he’s still out of work in September.

There is support out there. Try contacting some places for direction. Good luck.

And he lives in it and uses the utilities. No wonder he's got money to spend on junk food.

I’d consider charging some rent /keep too. Put it aside and give to him later on if you want.

It might be worth pointing put to him that he will never know what he wants to do unless he tries some new things, whether that is an apprenticeship, a hobby or a voluntary role.

Although chances are he DOES want to do these things, he just needs some help getting started.

Some really good suggestions here - I’d also like to add from experience that food could be a gateway to other dopamine hits. If he has sufficient funds he might switch to self medicating if he is not on adhd meds. I would educate him to the cost of life even if you don’t take rent froM him. Financial contribution to his health, therapy, new clothes for interview or whatever should be encouraged

So I'm not a parent of a 20 something but I really do think the years after school/18+ are when children need emotional support and guidance from their parents as much as when they are younger. It's great that he has a supportive caring mum like you who wants to help. Junk food is designed to be addictive and massively affects our energy levels and helping him to understand that through Chris van tullegen (spelling?)'s book ultra processed people or similar online content would be worthwhile in the long run as it helps to remove blame and understand why it is so addictive. But it sounds like the junk food is an emotional crutch so getting some structure and self worth through volunteering or even a part time temp job might be a good place to start to boost his confidence before the stress of trying to change eating habits. You have said you don't agree with charging rent but paying one's way, budgeting and all the admin of bills is a part of adult life that he needs to learn - would you consider asking him to contribute to the household food bill or something like that, even if you save it into an account to help him in the future? I know people who charge adult children a nominal "rent" but it all goes into a savings account to go towards a home deposit for the adult child in the future. Or if you don't want to charge, go through your monthly costs with him so that he can learn to do a budget for when he is ready to move out so that it is less of a shock when he gets to that stage? Good luck

Asking for financial contribution to the household as an adult is good parenting, its about teaching and learning and having a role. You're not a friend or charity, being a parent means equipping with them understanding of what life is, skills to navigate and creating habits.

Yes, you are dealing with a crisis, so large chnages have to take place.

Your son is eating himself to death, he is ill, both mentally and physically and your interventions need to take account of that.

I see. So if a friend comes round and wants a cup of tea with sugar - sorry, no, we don't have any sugar in the house.
If my younger DC wants some peanut butter on toast for breakfast (a healthy option (we get a non-UPF version) which is high in protein) - yeah, no, can't have that. The cereal is for DM when she visits as that's what she has for breakfast - but that's fine, she could just not have breakfast when she comes to stay, right?
Good Lord.

In one single word - yes.

The same way as if your son were an alcoholic, but other members of the household were ok, you would not buy booze for the one who could control their addiction - and at the same time put the substance temptation within the addict's reach. You'd supply a healthy drink alternative and see the bigger picture, the greater good.

Confide in your friend and explain you're keeping temptation out of his reach and ask them to bring their own sugar. Ask mum to accept what you're doing and ask her to be flexible and go for less bingeable porridge, fruit, eggs, whatever. And before you start reaching for hospitality outrage - this is for HIM. Is your mother truly so intransigent that she'll refuse to adapt her habits - and are they truly more important than his health?

I appreciate how scared you are right now and your reactions to our suggestions are your fight or flight responses to your fear for him.

Everything we're suggesting are to help him and support you to help him.

Let the prickly defensiveness down - and start practicing some tough rules and processes that will benefit him.

Is your son that rude, to the point he'd ask his mates to spend their money on his food?

Jesus wept

Completely this! And the OPs wishy washy 'I'll revisit driving lessons with him.'

'Revisiting' isn't going to do anything. You can be depressed and be lazy. He's having everything handed to him and his life and junk food funded to him. He's not being showed how to pay a bill. He cannot go through life with people spoon feeding him. He sounds like he's quite socially stunted as he doesn't drive, doesn't work, he also would ask his friends to fund his food (how entitled is that?)

you are doing him a disservice OP because you're not treating him like an adult. It sounds like he's being incredibly molly coddled for a long time and now you're posting for advice on what to do.

charging a child rent isn't abuse or neglect. It's actually teaching them that us tax payers, you and now his mates rightfully so, won't fund his sedentary lifestyle.

of course he can get a job. Why would he when he can have money handed to him to eat his way to obesity. This will be very off putting to future partners as he sounds like he's a cock lodger. Not much of a catch especially with his mum enabling this behaviour too! Is he going to expect future partners to fund his diet, seeing as he's used to having it all paid for him?

He doesn't even use a bin! OP says he has pizza boxes and wrappers in his room? He doesn't even respect the home and can't make the short walk to the bin and just leaves it for someone else to pick up?

lovely!

Thank you again to everyone who has provided thoughtful, compassionate advice that might actually have a chance of working. You have given me more than I hoped I might get out of this thread, and I am incredibly grateful.

To everyone who kept insisting on 'tough love' approaches, even after I had (initially, politely) made it clear that I wouldn't be doing this, I don't understand what your goal has been here. And I don't appreciate being told that I'm 'not taking advice' when I am: I'm just not taking your advice.

And finally, to those using hateful, cruel language to describe my much-loved son who is really struggling at the moment, particularly those gloating about him never getting a partner and/or 'eating himself into an early grave', you are the last people I would ever take advice from. And I very much doubt you would have the guts to say any of this to me in person. Shame on you.

I havent made mention of a partner but have said that he is eating himself to death and I would and do unfortunately have to say this and use those exact words to families I work with.

You'll be in the same position OP in a years time. Gentle nudges work with people with motivation, you have to use carrot and stick unfortunately. Its human nature.

I wish you luck

Alex Partridge has a podcast called ADHDChatter which he might find interesting, I’m sure there’s much info online if he looks

How is your lovely son? I completely empathise as mine is 20 and ND ( ADHD/ASD ) and very similar re food and comfort eating with little regulation/ overweight/ significant barriers to employment . Unless anyone has witnessed this anxiety paralysis state that adhd brings, it’s almost impossible to comprehend.
Sending love and understanding xxx 😘

Thank you so much for your lovely, understanding reply ❤️ Sending all the best to you and your son.

DS now has two volunteering roles (one in a food bank and one in a charity shop) which are getting him out of the house several times a week.

He contacted his GP about ADHD medication and has been referred to the adult ADHD clinic (waiting list is apparently 8 weeks - which I guess would be 5/6 weeks now - so not ideal but not years and years as I feared it might be).

He now eats dinner downstairs every evening so we can be together and chat. I've started buying low sugar ribena and he's been drinking that instead of going to the corner shop for Dr Pepper. I've also been making him banana and raspberry smoothies.

He still occasionally goes out and buys junk, but it used to be several times a day and now it's nowhere near that amount.

We got in touch with the King's Trust yesterday and he's signed up for a 12-week personal development course that starts in a few weeks time. Just need to square it with JCP but hopefully should be fine.

I'm so glad I posted on mumsnet - the advice and differing perspectives were incredibly helpful in enabling me to come up with a plan of action ❤️.

I’m so pleased to hear that things have become so much more positive since July for both your son and yourself . I will take both inspiration and encouragement from that for my son . The very best of luck moving forward with adhd medication too ❤️xxx

That all sounds great, we'll done for supporting him. He could also get referred to with management services by his GP, if you think that would help or even something like DBT therapy or binge eating therapy to help. But it's great he's doing personal development and also volunteering, just to get him out of the house.

That's brilliant about your son. Is it the Team's course? The one where they do community work and go on a residential? If so, it was brilliant for my son.

Thats great news OP, the Kings Trust is very successful at supporting young people.