DS20 is unemployed, depressed and dangerously overweight - I don't know how to help

[AngelikiEvangelia]

My adult son has been out of work since Christmas and his mental health has massively deteriorated. He has always struggled with overeating, but now he goes out several times a day to buy tubs of ice cream and tubes of pringles that he'll eat all in one go. His room is full of empty bottles of Dr Pepper, crisp packets and pizza boxes.

He's constantly applying for jobs but not getting anywhere. He's now so overweight that he's getting out of breath just walking upstairs at home. He's only 20.

Does anyone have any advice? The jobcentre staff don't seem particularly helpful, and anything I suggest to him just gets a 'yeah maybe' (which means no). He's been referred to the local IAPT service but he's still waiting for an initial assessment.

I am just so worried about what his life is going to be like if things carry on like this.

So his UC pays for his junk food. Is he even seeking work? Sorry I don’t mean to be harsh as I’d imagine it’s not easy but if he’s got the spare cash (or he’s not paying you anything) of course he’s just going to sit around and eat all day.

Could he join a gym, go swimming, volunteer? Anything to get him out of this rut. Otherwise he’s just going to be on benefits for life.

I think I’d be mindful of this apathetic attitude towards jobs/apprenticeships/weight loss/lifestyle changes when he clearly has motivation to go out several times to buy junk each day.

The reality is that if he’s so overweight than he can’t walk up stairs without being out of breath, he’ll make a terrible impression at any job interview, so this change should start in other ways.

Tough love is where I’d go. List of expectations that he needs to adhered to. Up at a certain time, contributing to housework/chores, doing jobs around the house like painting the fence or cutting grass too, cooking each week, giving you a monetary contribution each week.

It does sound like he’s getting to rot in his bedroom and that needs to stop if you want him to be functioning, healthy (alive?) and contributing to society in the future.

He had ADHD medication when he was at school doing his A levels, as it helped with his concentration, but he didn't want to keep taking it outside of school (and was advised against doing so due to the risk of high blood pressure). I do wonder if it's something he may want to revisit though.

Thank you, he's still taking anti-depressants and has good days and bad days but he's a lot better.

'Yeah, maybe,' is a good start, it's not a 'no.' Maybe try and get him to ask about it? It would give him a purpose and they do work experience as part of it and go on a residential as well.

It's tough isn't it? You want to help them to stand on their own two feet but you also want to help them because you're their mum and you never stop worrying about them.

What does he do around the house to "pull his weight" for lack of a better term. Does he cook any meals, do any house work, care for any pets?

Would a frank discussion on contributing to the family etc work?

It’s absolutely crazy that people are posting feeling sorry for this young, able-bodied man who is choosing not to work or study because he’d rather scrounge off benefits and his mum whilst deliberately causing himself serious health problems.

THIS is why taxes are going up.

Parent him. He needs to pay his way and give you lodge.

Yes, he has explicitly said to me that eating is his way of coping - and that he doesn't know what he would do instead if he didn't have that. It's so hard.

Thank you for your understanding 💙

I agree.

This attitude of waiting for the perfect job for me, not wanting to settle, not being keen on xyz so waiting for the right thing…absolutely not on.

So glad I get to pay for his pizzas and ice cream. 🙄

Its habitual though, he is doing it, because he can. If he has less opportunity via money and time (ie out volunteering, doing chores, working or whatever) he wouldnt be doing it.

Is there anything he enjoys that you could do together to structure the days? Maybe something with exercise? Swimming, joining a Gym, anything he could volunteer doing? I think a purpose and a structure that isn't eating and fills his time would be a good start?

He has been applying for loads of retail jobs. He would love another retail job. He's just not getting any interviews.

His concern with apprenticeships is that they tend to be something you're then committed to for several years.

Is there a mental help specialist that he can talk to/a therapist? It sounds like he is caught in a vicious cycle right now and needs out. The issue is until he sees that himself and decides to change, he won't make any changes.WLI do help with addictive behaviours, but should be coupled with diet and exercise. He is struggling to get upstairs, can you start going for a daily walk with him? That will help his body create endorphins and could act as a distraction to the bingeing. Sometimes the tiny little changes make big impacts.

You Realise you are part of the problem

I have AuDHD and chocolate is a nightmare for me. I’m addicted. Binge eating junk is common with ADHD for the dopamine. As is being depressed because of the lack of it

He needs proper professional help.

All I can say is my experience, I was a junk food addict/ comfort/ binge eater I say was because it's all gone now courtesy of mounjaro. Life-changing!

He should begin to pay you keep. Yes it’s his home but if he carries on he’ll be 40, still spending all his money on food and still in his bedroom. You don’t have to spend the keep, you could save it for him for a flat deposit or something when he’s ready to move out. if he has less money for food, he won’t eat as much and might consider more job opportunities. Maybe he could do some volunteering to boost his CV.

To help confidence you could ask him to help you regularly with little things, shopping, putting away shopping, cooking the dinner. Cook his favourite dinner together. He needs to be happy before he needs to be thin. My unemployed son is slightly older but is now a wizz at chicken curry as he can follow the instructions on the curry paste pots. He likes icecream, you could get an ice-cream maker, home made ice-cream is more filling and can have some really healthy ingredients compared to shop bought, he can share it with the rest of the family, and he might enjoy the challenge/activity of making it.

Your son is a valuable individual even without a job. I get really distressed when people think my son is being lazy, if he could get a job he would. The job market in some areas is dire, particularly if you have a disability.

You could charge him nominal rent but pay him to do jobs for you, wash the car, vacuum the floors, sweep the drive, any cleaning, cut the hedge. The jobs will het him moving, and being treated as a useful adult who can contribute financially, albeit only a nominal amount, might help his self-worth.

What about volunteering in a charity shop or other form of volunteer retail? A community cafe? He has to build his confidence back out in doing a routine and having commitments. These could lead to jobs in this sector or give him the confidence to try more for a job in retail. He enjoys this area so it’s not like his completely directionless. There has been a few business apprenticeships advertised around us which also might be worth looking at.

What do the applications look like, are you seeing them or is he helped by the job coach?

How is it he isnt motivated to do anything but sit in his room and eat but is applying for jobs, are you seeing him do this or is he just telling you he is applying? Is he interview ready?

Do you want him to get out of this rut or not?

If yes you will have to do things differently.
He needs to eat less. Exercise more. And he needs less money.

Less money means less temptation to buy food, and more motivation to find work.

Right now your answers are- this is home so he doesn't have to pay you.

You asked him to go on a walk and he didn't want to.

You've tried to get him to eat less - and he's resistant to it.

You've shown him some courses - and he said yes maybe.

You've shown him some apprenticeships and he doesn't want to commit to them.
It's almost frustrating to see your answers.

I get that he has ADHD. But unless he gets a bit of a kick up the bum he is going to continue on this path.

So he needs to start paying board- you can save this for him secretly and give it back if he needs a house deposit or uni help.

He needs to start going on walks- he doesn't get a choice. Until he gets a job he needs to be going on walks with you.

You need to stop buying junk food. And his intake should decrease if he has less money to spend on it.

Even if he doesn't like the sound of a job he has to apply for it. Right now he doesn't have the luxury of being choosey.

Right now it sounds like he has no motivation but also you seem to be apathetic and just accepting him not wanting to do something as an answer.

You need to start charging him rent. In portion to his income (even if UC) is fine, but everyone needs to pay for their keep once they are an adult. He needs to either volunteer, work or study full time hours. I grant you work is not always easy to find, especially in retail. So he needs to be less picky. Volunteering in charity shops is a great start. At the moment you are enabling him this lifestyle choice.

All this. You need tough love. Nothing else has worked.

Ignore those who show no understanding of mental health or food addiction.

My ds, 23, is also considerably overweight, looking for work, and addicted to junk food. We have however managed a few breakthroughs....

1. I have carefully and slowly helped him open up about junk food addiction by talking about my own challenges with it. Ultra Processed People by Dr Chris Van Tulleken was an eye opener that helped me reframe my aporoach to food. My DS still buys it, but less and more mindfully.

1. I inisisted he volunteer one day a week. This is in his chosen career field. Big confidence boost.

1. My house, my rules, his room - so he has to do at least one household chore a day (he can choose). I let him have his room how he wants, but draw the line at food and drink wrappers being left around.

1. We eat healthy evening meals together most nights of the week. Space to talk.

1. Find the (exercise) activities out and about he enjoys. My DS likes hiking with friends, badminton and climbing. Go with your DS to try new things! Frame it as he is helping you try something new - not the otherway round. Archery, parkwalk, bird watching - start with things that don't seem like exercise.

1. I help ds with his job applications. Reading them over etc. You need to find out what is really holding your ds back. It isn't what he is saying, probably fear of failing.

Do not just nag to find a job or lose weight. Entirely counter-productive. Self-confidence first.

'Fullofpudding' (irony, ice cream perhaps?) I think you are being harsh. To the mum and the son.