DS20 is unemployed, depressed and dangerously overweight - I don't know how to help

[AngelikiEvangelia]

My adult son has been out of work since Christmas and his mental health has massively deteriorated. He has always struggled with overeating, but now he goes out several times a day to buy tubs of ice cream and tubes of pringles that he'll eat all in one go. His room is full of empty bottles of Dr Pepper, crisp packets and pizza boxes.

He's constantly applying for jobs but not getting anywhere. He's now so overweight that he's getting out of breath just walking upstairs at home. He's only 20.

Does anyone have any advice? The jobcentre staff don't seem particularly helpful, and anything I suggest to him just gets a 'yeah maybe' (which means no). He's been referred to the local IAPT service but he's still waiting for an initial assessment.

I am just so worried about what his life is going to be like if things carry on like this.

Can I ask a question please? If you don't do enough to medicate ADHD, will it always be something that adversely affects someone's life forever?

Just wondering as I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD, and I literally can't take any medication for it, as stimulating meds like this type will have an impact on my movement disorder symptoms (which is a lot to do with dopamine dysfunction).

So if the OP for example tries to persuade her DS to go back on mefs, but he won't/can't for whatever reason, will there be other things to do that will help? Does everyone who has ADHD (diagnosed or otherwise) NEED to take medication?

Just a hypothetical question, not meaning to upset anyone in any way asking hopefully! Plus, I'm sure someone more experienced will come along with answers and better advice 😉

It’s not like university though were you only get so much funding. He could train as an electrician - while being paid to do so - and then if he changes his mind later on train in something else. But in the meanwhile he’d be paid, learning and looking forward to a well paid career even if it’s not his dream job.

Is retail what he wants to do forever? If not then why is he choosing to dedicate himself to applying for retail instead of a paid for apprenticeship? It’s not a life sentence to do one thing.

No not everyone with ADHD needs medication. Some manage with other strategies and lifestyle changes. My best friend and my sibling both manage without meds and they have ADHD (one has AuDHD).

Or the challenge to the brain which is wired differently becomes too much with prolonged lack of medication and coping mechanisms and in our family case has led to anxiety, psychosis, hospitalisation etc it’s an unknown as every brain is different. If medication has helped in the past and is proposed by physiatrists alongside CBT or DBT then it should be taken to ease the burden on a brain working over time IMO. Especially when under the age of 30 whilst brain function and neurones are still forming patterns.

He's putting himself at risk of high blood pressure with his weight.

You need to have an honest discussion with him about medication, getting some exercise.

Can you borrow a dog for him to walk.

That's what you can do. Charge him rent so he has less to spend on crap. Tell him he must pull his weight around the home, pay for his keep, or move out. He's an adult. Start treating him like one.

Thank you so much for this - really helpful.

I’d be getting on top of the ADHD first. I’ve got an AuDHD teen who has a compulsive eating habit and at 14, was pretty overweight. Getting his ADHD medication right has been life changing. It’s taken some time with trying different types. Now he’s focused, he’s lost weight and is much more active. He’s doing a lot better at school. Is your son medicated? If not, I’d sort this out first.

This is really helpful to know - thank you so much

I know several people who have been job hunting for a year or more, mostly applying for supermarket/warehouse type jobs, and not even getting interviews (people with some work experience so that’s not the reason they’re not getting a sniff)
I’m not sure what’s going on but it seems harder to get a job now than it has been for a long time.

He sounds paralysed by anxiety and depression. Right now, he's living life in a way that has the fewest demands and obligations to avoid the potential of failure. Adhders can be perfectionists, and are also used to being "in trouble" for things that aren't in their control, but part of their neurodivergence. By avoiding opportunities, he avoiding what he sees as failure. It may be that he also is autistic, very commonly comorbid with ADHD.

I would agree that in the first instance, he tries ADHD meds again. They can shut his brain up a bit, quieten his negative thoughts and help him think more clearly. This is where you plant seeds. Guidance rather than demands, as the latter just creates more anxiety, whereas the former gives more autonomy.

Mounjaro has been mentioned for his weight. It has been noticed that it also helps with ADHD and addictions, his being junk food and sugar. My own ADHD clinician has seen a significant number of patients able to reduce their ADHD meds. I think your main struggle will be to make him investigate this option.

Leave information around the house, so he sees it and can maybe think about it in his own time on his own terms. Demand avoidance is an awful thing to have, and can make life incredibly difficult and overwhelming. This won't be how he wants to live, he just hasn't found a way out as yet.

Audhd mother of 4 adult Nd kids.

I think you're right. Thank you so much - this is incredibly helpful.

Does he drive ? Just thinking there are opportunities for Amazon etc

He doesn't but we did talk a while ago about him getting driving lessons. I will revisit this with him.

Even if I was going to charge him rent (which - again - I'm not going to do), I would literally have to take every penny of it to stop him buying junk food. Which I assume is not what you and others are actually suggesting?

Sadly his Dad lives off that kind of food (but has always worked in manual jobs so isn't overweight). He also hates me, so asking for his help with this isn't an option. The one time I tried to raise it with him when DS was younger (in terms of 'can we both try to support DS to eat more healthily / not overeat'), he ignored me and then when DS came home from staying with him, he was very upset and said "Daddy said that you think I'm fat".

No, but it means he has less to spend on junk therefore might eat less overall. And it may help him think about his budgetary choices.

Do you think he will ever live independently? If so, the sooner he learns about budgeting the better.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that if you take 20% of his money, that's 20% less junk going in.

Do you really not see that you're doing him a disservice by not charging rent? You're letting him live a false adult life.

Have you looked up retail apprenticeships OP?

Although you mean well you are not helping your son at all.
He is not a child but a grown man and he should be contributing to the cost of running the household.
UC should force him into work or cut his benefits. Why are we paying for young adult men to lay about eating themselves into oblivion?
You need to be cruel to be kind and get him out there working and earning, otherwise this will only spiral even further out of control.
Give it a few years and he wil be on 'Shut in's- My 400lb life'.

My own moral objections aside, if I followed your advice, this is what would happen:

• He would tell his Dad and/or my Mum and they would transfer money to him
• He would go out with his friends and ask them to buy him food
• He would compulsively eat anything he could find in the house - we don't buy junk food but he would overeat anything we have that is high-calorie/sweet (e.g. a whole tub of peanut butter, several massive bowl fulls of cereal covered in granulated sugar, a whole loaf of bread, etc)

Maybe the 'tough love' you and others are suggesting would work for some adult DC but all it would do in my situation is make my DS feel even more wretched than he already does.

I am going to make it clear to him that the current situation can't continue and that we need to get him more help with his ADHD / mental health. I am also going to support him to find a voluntary role until such time as he (hopefully) finds a job, as he definitely needs the structure of getting out of the house and being around people again.

Stop buying the peanut butter, the cereals, the sugar. If he must graze, there are far better options to have in the house.

Sorry to hear OP. As a mum of an obese ADHD teen, I feel for you.
About ADHD medication, I must admit it didn't have the effect to reduce food noise as I hoped unfortunately. DD is on a high dose at 45 mg and it doesn't stop the binging I'm afraid. I was hoping it would.
I am also with you on what works for others doesn't work on ADHD folks. And if other family members are not on board and keep giving him money, you are facing a losing battle.
Change has to come from you DS and until then it's a heart wrenching wait and watch.
If he will volunteer I would encourage that
Anything to get them out of the house would be good. Would his dad take him on some manual jobs?
I appreciate DS may only want to work in retail which makes it hard to get them to agree to other things.

I see. So if a friend comes round and wants a cup of tea with sugar - sorry, no, we don't have any sugar in the house.

If my younger DC wants some peanut butter on toast for breakfast (a healthy option (we get a non-UPF version) which is high in protein) - yeah, no, can't have that.

The cereal is for DM when she visits as that's what she has for breakfast - but that's fine, she could just not have breakfast when she comes to stay, right?

Good Lord.

@AngelikiEvangelia he sounds very lost and lacking in any structure in his life. You obviously feel strongly about the whole charging rent thing so I’m not going to suggest anything about that.
Do you have any further education colleges within a reasonable distance? They do lots of different courses both short term and longer term, and if on UC the cost is low or even nothing. I would insist that he does something in the next 6 months, whether it’s a course, start an apprenticeship, volunteering, committing to using a gym regularly. The longer he drifts the worse it will be.
He probably needs support for the ADHD as others have said.
A mix of carrot and stick maybe, what would motivate him to make even a small change? And what would he not want to lose- there needs to be some consequences for inaction.
It’s a tough situation for both of you but allowing the status quo to drift on will ultimately harm him (and you).