A bit uncomfortable about what ds has learnt in his ‘boys club’ lesson

[jacksmannequin]

We had a letter home a few weeks ago about these lessons that were starting about puberty and hormones, they are calling it boys and girls club, how it wasn’t sex education and parents can opt out. I didn’t opt ds10 out because I believe he should learn about development. But I’m not happy he’s been told about masturbating, he’s only 10, autistic (in a special school) and I just think he’s not mature enough to hear about that yet. He came home saying “his soul left his body” 😆 the teacher was talking about how boys can stroke their penis and make it hard and get pleasure from it. I thought wtf !
AIBU? I just think it seems a bit much for year 5!

I think this is exactly right. I remember being taught about periods etc in last year of primary and boys were taught nothing. My DD is 11 and the girls and boys a certain level of sex education has happened. Learning about sex formally is far better than from peers, and there is a lot of evidence to suggest that being open about sex and implications of sex reduces teen pregnancies. IN the past I think the UK have had an attitude of not talking about it early enough, and where we do, it is directed at girls. I am glad that this is changing a bit.

It’s a parenting issue if they’re giving children unsupervised access to the internet. Those lessons are even more important if the children have parents to fail to parent properly.

I think you’ve answered your own question there - you internalised shameful associations with your body and later sexuality because of your mum’s approach. I’m really sorry.

I started my periods at 9, I needed to know this stuff

The earlier you have these ongoing talks is better because its just forming information and cementing how easy and normal it is to talk about. The later you leave it the harder it is. You then can encounter embarrassment or gaps have already been filled in via friends/internet.

If you look at it just like education, science and body parts rather than encouragement to masturbate or putting an idea in their head. We are already designed to explore our bodies that isn't embarrassing or shameful. Giving them the confidence to the correct information and you as their safe person they feel comfortable to ask questions to is protecting them.

My 7 year old (autistic) and 10 year old will ask questions very easily around the dinner table. The latest was what is genital herpes it's a 2 minute chat then back to talking about sports day or games. It's such a non event but it's building that security between us all to ask those questions and receive the correct information in a safe environment.

For my autistic son particularly it's so beneficial to take any of the guess work out of social situations if he simple knows all the facts and isn't fazed by the topics. To know when and what is appropriate is protecting him and others. At 7 he isn't facing these chats in the playground yet but his friends do have older siblings and phones that are unchecked. It could easily happen that he sees pornography or something that he finds confusing and unsettling(for any child) they know what to do in that situation as we have already discussed and continue to discuss pornography and they know they can come and talk to both of us or indeed eachother.

Honestly - I'm very saddened by this thread. I have a 15 year old (autistic) son and he's innocent and vulnerable too. That means it's MORE important to teach him about his body, sex, boundaries, consent, pleasure etc - because he doesn't have the savvy social skills to figure a lot of it out for himself. Additionally, he can't 'read' conversations with his peers and could be filled with all types of absolute nonsense and would have believed it. He's a little bit better now. We recently bought him a pack of condoms (he's never so much as held hands with a boy or girl) but we want him to know what they are, how to put one on, what they do. It shouldn't be secret. Autistic children need clarity. We aim to demystify sex and relationships for our son. "It's part of life when you're ready. Here's the info - we're here for questions and cuddles."

With kindness, OP, what shines through here is your own discomfort, not what's best for your son. Let his teachers to their job. I know that suddenly having to view him as a sexual being is horrifying probably. You feel you want to delay this and protect him. Honestly - I'm 5 years further down the line than you and the only way to protect him is with information delivered kindly by professionals at school that's then reinforced and backed up by you. It should be pretty much a non-issue. It's only by making a huge deal out of it that we teach our kids it's somehow mortifying. Be matter of fact. Be nonchalant. Be open to it.

I would be horrified too. Let children be children. This isn’t educating them, this is mortifying. Fine if children have questions and to provide a safe (non-parental) space for that, but increasingly children are being exposed to more and more things which are inappropriate at a young age. This is stuff that ought to be left for secondary school.

A ‘sexual being’? He’s 10….

You can ask the school for a copy of their teaching materials so you can see what was covered in full.

He's growing up and you won't be able to support him by keeping bits of information from him in the medium term. It really is better he learns about ways his body will change before they start happening (including that he'll need to wash more frequently as a teenager)

Sometimes autistic people struggle with interoception - understanding/noticing what their bodies are telling them.

I think of masturbation as a tool to help me sleep. I can see it being something your son eventually adds to his repitoire of strategies to regulate so it's key he learns about his own body, that his body is his and that masturbation is fine somewhere private.

OP has explained her son felt uncomfortable? Hardly just a problem for her. Very different making a child aware of body parts and consent and teaching them about sexual activities. He’s 10. Not 14.

This is what I thought, secondary school year 7 seems the right age, even end of year 6. I remember for a fact we were year 6 when we had this kind of lesson as I remember the year 6 classroom and clearly going back into it.

Thanks. I’m not a prude really I’m not and have said how I did explain it’s all natural etc all a part of growing up, I just don’t think he needed to know that information in year 5. Everyone keeps saying he’s doing it or will be in the next year or something is just crazy, he’s a child.

Love your ds's comment 😁

Exactly. Nothing wrong with sex education but it’s the timing of it. I’m with you OP and frankly surprised others aren’t concerned. I think there’s a danger that giving children that young that kind of information potentially confuses or upsets them. An open forum to ask difficult questions is fine but people don’t seem to see the potential issues here including putting ideas in children’s heads which could be taken the wrong way or used in play inappropriately with other children.

It’s enough to have an awareness of body parts and consent at that age for the purpose of educating children and keeping them as safe as possible from being harmed by others. I think there’s are other posts too which confirm masturbation being covered is definitely NOT the norm for year 5 so you would be within your rights to flag this up to the school as a point of feedback or just withdraw your son from this ‘club’.

This type of education is much more what I’d expect for secondary school when they may be thinking about these sorts of things anyway. That said, my children didn’t cover masturbation in their secondary school either so even that isn’t a given!

@jacksmannequin as it was a boys only group rather than an "official" sex education lesson I wonder if the scenario was more likely that one (or more) of the boys starting mentioning it or asking questions so the teacher answered to explain what masturbation is.
These types of groups are often question and answer sessions.
It does sound like it was explained in a fairly simple way.

Why Are you do surprised that a 10yo will be masturbating?

Toddlers do it when they rub themselves against the arm of the sofa, rock etc…. Hence why many parents already have the talk about ‘some stuff is nice but it’s somethimg you do in private’.
Masturbation doesn’t have to be sexual. It can just feel nice and relaxing. But that’s also why it’s important to remind those 10yo Theres nothing to be ashamed about and it’s pretty normal. Because a lot if parents will have shamed their dcs for doing just that.

Year 7 is way too late. Trust me. As a mum of a year 10 boy. They need to know all of this information way earlier than you think.
our schools share the curriculum. The girls are taught about masturbation too in our schools.

I’d already covered all of this before my son did it in school to be honest.

Do you really think most boys haven't discovered what happens to their penis when they play with it? I have potty training boys who notice the reaction to touching it so I'm sure most pre teens have gone further they may just not understand it.

My son was 9 when puberty began. It isn’t immediate raging erections and masturbating, that does come later. But yes, puberty began at 9. And he wasn’t alone. Hormones and body odour, along with growing etc. most of them in his cohort had started puberty before finishing primary. About 50% of them had their voice break in year 7.

I have a 15 year old boy and. 1 year old boy. I can indeed confirm that both touch their penises an inordinate amount. My 15 year old has always touched it, it took me many years as a toddler/pre schooler to get him to understand that he could touch and hump as much as he wants but in his bedroom and as long as he washed his hands afterwards!!
his obsession never waned, he just kept it private. And then when going through puberty (aged 9) we discussed ejaculation and that it’s called mastirbation and most people men and women do it because it feels nice.
its really not a big deal to teach kids this stuff.

Yep. I started my periods before our class sex Ed. I thought I was dying. Because my mum didn’t discuss any kind of puberty with me, ever. And school hadn’t yet.

They don’t do it for sexual release until much later.
but as I’ve said, my eldest son was rubbing and humping from age 2. He never stopped that behaviour. He continued doing it until he reached puberty and then eventually it became a sexual release.
my 1 year old rubs his penis and pulls it every time his nappy is off.
my daughter also plays with her vulva. She’s 6.
it feels nice. I remember doing it from being a very young child.
lots of people on here have said the same.
maybe he’s not every touched his penis ever. But if he is, or has, or starts doing so, it’s not immediately a sexual act at 10 years old. But eventually it will be, and it will come with a sexual release that will come with no warning. And can be scary. So it’s better talked about before that happens, and that time is different for all boys. And it is younger than you think for some boys (ejaculating I mean). I know my son was rubbing his penis from a young age, and I know he wasn’t doing it as a sexual act because I know when he began ejaculating.

Good grief.

My year 6 daughter has just had this lesson,kids were kept as a whole class & not split boys/girls which I personally thought was better. She started her periods at 10, I had already explained about menstruation. I showed her pads & how to use them & made sure she had a small bag with emergency period supplies in her school bag. She ended up comforting another girl who had started her first period at school & was terrified as she had no clue what was happening.
Daughter is pretty switched on for an 11 year old and was aware of most of what she was told in this lesson. A nurse spoke to the class about masturbation & the importance of privacy & appropriate behaviour surrounding this. She came home & gave me a blow by blow account of the entire talk including the priceless phrase- Mrs A needs a pay rise for having to tell a bunch of 11 year olds you don’t knock one out in front of your Nan. 😱😆😭