A bit uncomfortable about what ds has learnt in his ‘boys club’ lesson

[jacksmannequin]

We had a letter home a few weeks ago about these lessons that were starting about puberty and hormones, they are calling it boys and girls club, how it wasn’t sex education and parents can opt out. I didn’t opt ds10 out because I believe he should learn about development. But I’m not happy he’s been told about masturbating, he’s only 10, autistic (in a special school) and I just think he’s not mature enough to hear about that yet. He came home saying “his soul left his body” 😆 the teacher was talking about how boys can stroke their penis and make it hard and get pleasure from it. I thought wtf !
AIBU? I just think it seems a bit much for year 5!

I wonder if they also explained in the lesson that not everyone does masturbate, and it’s not a prerequisite for growing up or going through puberty? Because it’s not uncommon for people with sensory processing issues find genital touch physically uncomfortable or even painful, and to feel quite stressed by the idea that masturbating - or any sexual activity - is mandatory.

I haven’t RTFT at this point, but I just want to say, it is absolutely NOT statutory to teach Year 5 children about masturbation.

Definitely age appropriate OP. When are you planning on telling him, as pretty soon, his body will be telling him regardless and last thing you want is for him to feel odd / dirty for having those kind of thoughts. It’s perfectly natural, and you could probably check out what’s on the sex ed list per age group if you checked.

OP, obviously a response to sex ed is very personal - but you can be sure that in a specialist setting, this teaching will have been very honed to the kids in the classes and they will know what they're doing. If your son is able to to understand and articulate enough to be able to say something like 'my soul left my body' and tell you things about what he's been taught then I think he can cope with this level. It seems fine.

Honestly, sex education and masturbation education in particular in a special school is so bloody important! I wish more special schools would do classes, though obviously it's got to be ability-specific. My son's also autistic and at a SS (he's largely nonverbal and has LDs too) and as far as I know hasn't been taught anything very detailed at school - they focus on private and public parts of the body and strongly encourage him not to fiddle in classrooms or at school at all (we say at home, 'in the bathroom or bedroom'). And not to grind his crotch against anyone else.

but educating kids with LDs and/or LDs about appropriate touching (of other people) and where it's appropriate to touch themselves is SO IMPORTANT. It keeps me awake at night, the possibility that DS might once day, when he's adult, get his willy out in public and be uninhibited, and get arrested or reported or something. It only takes one unsympathetic or uninformed police officer to overlook his extremely obvious LDs and autism - he could end up on a sex offenders list. Which in turn would make it very hard, if not impossible, for him to access residential placements or even day centres.

So OP, try and relax, trust the teachers, they know what they're doing. It's really important.

Entirely appropriate.

I agree.
I expect boys and girls to have worked that out by age 10.
They just dint have the words fur it and might well feel ashamed too.

Not appropriate. I remember being told about masturbation at age 10,and it was horrible. I was still playing with dolls then and it really traumatised me.

It's just about the right age.. at this age.. most have already started wet dreams and might not know why.. Dr Ranj has books for boys that really help and other books by different authors say around age 8 to 10 is the right age.
My 10 year old Grandson has ASD.. he's read the book. Asked questions and was told honestly and openly

10 year olds are discovering their own bodies - by that age they learn it feels nice to be touched there - I don’t see an issue with them being taught there’s nothing wrong with it etc etc

Which is worse?

Need it and not know?

Or know and not need it?

(Yet)

My son turns 10 this week and is also autistic. He learnt about masturbation last week in RSE (relationship and social education - I think). He came home and told me about it and apparently his doesn't always feel good when it goes hard. He was quite annoyed that the teacher got that wrong. 🙈

I've caught him playing with himself on occasions since he was a toddler and I've always just told him it's a private activity to do on his own. I'd be surprised if any child, boy or girl, has got to 10 years of age and not masturbated. In fact I'm sure I read it a normal part of being human, exploring your bodies and that it feels pleasurable from toddler hood onwards.

My mother brought me up to think masturbation is wrong and it's left me with real hang ups with sex and just feeling good about myself. Personally, I don't want that for my children. So, when I caught my son with his hand in his pants or my daughter rubbing herself on the furniture, both as toddlers/preschoolers, we tried not to shame them but instead told them this was a private activity to do alone. Along the lines of pantasaurus.

So, in conclusion, I'm ok with it. Kids are hitting puberty earlier and earlier now. And in my experience, kids have probably already "masturbated" - I mean without the end goal of pleasure, but purely in exploration - well before this age.

Having taught y5 RSE in the past, we covered puberty, periods, wet dreams and erections. However, discussions always happen in the class and a lot of children know more. There’s usually at least one that asks about sex. It’s always so difficult to manage as some have been told absolutely nothing by parents and sit there looking horrified. I always feel so bad for them

@jacksmannequin I learnt about it in year 5 at a private catholic girls school over 20 years ago. It’s very important to teach children about their bodies. It’s probably worth mentioning that children that age are already “exploring” anyway and that they are being taught that it’s okay. Hopefully they are also being taught that it is a private thing.

Also worth mentioning that this is not something that magically happens at puberty, toddlers also “explore” their bodies. (Yes I work with children and know what I am talking about.)

@jacksmannequin I think that's far too young too. Surely in his class there are a range of emotional and intellectual needs and the education should reflect that. Most boys aren't able to mastubate until much older.
None of my children have had that sort of sex ed until they're 12+, it's all been very factual. Surely it's up to the parent if you get a child who goes through early puberty.
DS was 9 when he started puberty and we just explained everything ourselves in a langauge he understood. ie you get more hairy snd everything will get bigger, you can ask anything you want etc
We had a basic sex chat with all of our children at age 6/7 with the "Mummy laid an egg" book.

Most boys aren't able to mastubate until much older.

Who told you that, @jetlag92 ? It's absolute rubbish. Most boys have masturbated by 7 years old. I think you are confusing ejaculating with masturbating. 98% of boys masturbate before they are actually able to ejaculate. It's called 'dry orgasm'.

Did you have a particularly religious upbringing? I know a lot of religious education can instill shame and sin into things like that but otherwise I can’t imagine feeling traumatised by finding out that it feels nice touching certain parts of you

For those NOT freaked out by this very necessary part of education, and if you have a severely learning disabled or autistic kid, I can really recommend Catherine Newell's masturbation workshop, online for adults, carers and teachers of autistic and/or LD'd adolescents. Education for children who are severely affected by their autism, or/and where it's compounded by LDs, is particularly important in this area because they need to be taught when and where, and not to hurt themselves.

Flinch if you like - it was a very awkward online seminar to sit through, initially. Parents of kids like mine know they're going to be responsible for their children their whole lives. That includes how and where they express their sexuality, and young people like this can really get into trouble over completely innocently intentioned behaviour in the wrong places.

I never thought I'd sit through a 'masturbation workshop', let alone for one of my children, but it was invaluable. She's on Facebook.

Even little boys play with their penis and it gets hard - they fiddle because it feels nice. Grown men play with themselves but not necessarily to make themselves orgasm - but just because touching themselves feels good. Neither is bad or shameful

are you mixing up masturbation and ejaculation.

I hadn't even clocked they could hurt themselves. I will check it out. Thanks for the suggestion.

Do you know, like the original commentator, I also felt uncomfortable and stopped playing with my Barbies the day I had sex ed.

I'm not sure why I felt so much shame. My mum told me off severely anytime she found me exploring myself at a young age, and to this day I find masturbating really hard to do and didn't have an O until I was 36. I just couldn't relax around sex at all and still struggle.

But school taught it pretty matter of fact. My mum refused to talk about sex or puberty with me at all, but I didn't ask her about it until a year or so after the Barbie incident.

Basically if I could offer advice it would be please don't give your kids shame around their bodies and sex because it can ruin their sex lives for life! Teach them boundaries and consent. But not that it's wrong.

Yo be honest, I did not opt out of my child SE either. What is the point? Their peers will be telling them a distorted version of the talk anyway. So better to have the official talk.
But.... I do not agree with it.
This should be the parents job. Because a generalised speech:
It happens earlier than I thought it was needed, as a general age group
Too early for my DD development and interests at the time
Parents can assess their own child and give the talk earlier or later in life, depending on the child's development.

But.... your school case is mental! I do not recall that much detail given to them. But then I have a DD. She had a talk about periods.....

It seems fine to me? He’s heading into adolescence.

What a gig for the teacher tho..

Surely the sex ed is so they don’t feel ashamed and understand it is normal?

No, it isn't clear. It seems like you care more about you retaining your image of him as a little child than equipping him with the knowledge that will prevent him feeling confused and ashamed.