A bit uncomfortable about what ds has learnt in his ‘boys club’ lesson

[jacksmannequin]

We had a letter home a few weeks ago about these lessons that were starting about puberty and hormones, they are calling it boys and girls club, how it wasn’t sex education and parents can opt out. I didn’t opt ds10 out because I believe he should learn about development. But I’m not happy he’s been told about masturbating, he’s only 10, autistic (in a special school) and I just think he’s not mature enough to hear about that yet. He came home saying “his soul left his body” 😆 the teacher was talking about how boys can stroke their penis and make it hard and get pleasure from it. I thought wtf !
AIBU? I just think it seems a bit much for year 5!

that's a you problem though, not a problem for him

Thank you so much for saying this. My recollections are exactly the same, right down to the differences between those who had their own bedroom and those who didn't.

People will no doubt solely blame internet porn (which I also do agree has made things very much worse; children are so exposed to such a wide range of things nowadays at such an early age), but, my experience of being that age was back in the 1970s.

We didn't have the internet or any other similar resources back then, it was all just what you picked up from your friends.

(Although, I daren't tell you what my reaction was when I found out that my mum had a copy of "My Secret Garden" by Nancy Friday and I sneaked a read of it)

Masturbation isn’t a sexual act? You guys will justify anything and we wonder why the world is the way it is

This thread has so many fab comments. I hope more parents feel equipped to talk about these things with our kids, than our parents did with us.

OP one of my kids sounds a lot like yours. I don't think it's even that he's autistic, I think it's just part of HIS personality! He's very private! Doesn't like talking about any sorts of bodily functions, swims with a swim top on still as he says it feels wrong in just swim trunks ha ha, doesn't wander round in his pants at home etc. Like you we are a very open family, not private or prudish about our bodies but he is, and it's how he has always been!

I do think and hope that now you've gotten over your initial shock that you can see there's no harm in him knowing this stuff. My youngest is six years old and knows that sometimes his penis gets hard, and that it feels nice to touch it, and that I don't want to see! It's just evolved through conversations naturally!

I'd recommend getting some books to have at home. My eldest being private never wanted to have "big talks" but I know he DID really study some books we got about puberty, body changes etc.

There was a series of three books, aimed at autistic children and teens. I think the first book was called something like "What's happening to Tom?" (I'll double check). Very factual, easy to understand and also cover social rules and things like that. There was a girl's version too for mums with autistic girls!

Absurd.

abuse doesn’t happen because children don’t know how to sexually stimulate themselves. Good grief

I wouldn’t be happy about this, it’s too young. I have a 10 year old and would be horrified if he came home and told me this.

Abuse happens because trusted adults don't talk to kids about their bodies.

I've just checked. The books I recommended are by Kate. E. Reynolds and are called:

• What's happening to Tom?
• Tom needs to go!
• Things Tom likes.

There are also girls ones, called Ellie. 🙂

It’s sexual, but can be innocent. Just a nice feeling, no one else involved. Or it may involve your own imagination. The fact some people use porn doesn’t mean everybody does.

healthy sex requires full, free consent - that applies to someone alone who hasn’t been given ridiculous hang ups.

Children begin exploring their bodies as toddlers - babies even. At what point do you begin to sexualise it?

This teacher didn’t give the class instructions on how to orgasm - simply that touching these areas is pleasurable and that it’s normal, nothing to be ashamed of and done in private. A conversation most parents have with their children a lot younger just without calling it “sex education”

My friend had a huge issue with her dc and sex in special high school when her dc started. Her dc quite innocent but lots of peers were hyper sexual, never been given any sex or body education, reduced inhibitions. Caused lots of issues. If this programme can help then I would be all for it.
Yes it can be a bit shocking for kids to be told this stuff but it will help in the long run

It’s something girls do too, important for both genders.

Honestly I think ten is about right. They're not far off puberty hitting, and probably best to tell them before all the confusing stuff happens. Plus your son sounds funny and articulate, so old enough to handle the information, as cringe as it is for him at this stage.

At 12 they'll most likely be doing it anyway.
There's no subtle way to address it. There's no other language to use. But children need to know it's not wrong or sinful (as was the way we were taught when I was at school).

I think it's a good thing (although I'll probably struggle a bit when it's my sons learning about these things).

Too many people feel shame when they start getting sexual urges when, realistically, exploring your own sexuality is a healthy and normal thing to do.

I think it's almost more important for children with SEN. For many people, their additional needs don't stop sexual urges. But they might need more help in understanding where and when it's appropriate to touch themselves in this way (one of my family members is autistic and his parents had to do a lot of work with him to help him understand these nuances as an early teen. Better to start the conversation a little too early than a little too late).

10 is about the right age as you are just about to hit puberty. Frankly, I discovered masturbation when I was 11 as a girl.

It's not putting anything in their heads. Children that age will be beginning to explore their bodies. It's not shameful.

I’ve worked with early years and ks1 children I’ve witnessed doing this. They don’t understand, all they know is it’s nice feeling to them. It’s important to teach children these things are normal but must be done in private. I understand it’s jarring but they are exploring their own bodies and don’t relate it, nor should adults, to actual sex.

That's so weird! I wouldn't like that either if it was my Yr 5 child.

Exactly. Children younger than this masturbate. Maybe not ejaculation (not sure what age that starts) but they do it.

So maybe they need to know the word for what they do.

At 10 he’s probably already started OP. Puberty doesn’t start at 16 so they’re tackling it now at the beginning. It’s a normal and natural bodily function that most tween boys will already know about.

By 10 my sister had had her period for 2 years already.

I have no idea when he'll be ready, maybe he will be ready to hear it in a years time and if he is then we'll discuss it with him then. We know our son best and what he's capable of understanding, just as OP can tell her son wasn't ready to be told what he heard at school. Not all 10yr olds are the same level of maturity, especially when on the spectrum.

My kid is 6 and autistic and plays with his willy a lot, so we’ve already had a conversation about how it can feel nice to touch his willy, but if you do it in front of others they will think it’s rude, but absolutely fine to do it in his bedroom in private on his own. I think it’s much better to normalise it, so there is no shame involved.

Yup, agree. We started talking about the need for privacy for this at 5 or 6. Just so they'd know it was a private thing to do.

Utterly abhorrent parenting to give a child a phone with unfettered access to the internet.

Me too! I clearly remember doing it at age 10. Had no idea what it was and did it so much it hurt! Then I thought I'd damaged myself! Took me about 4 or 5 years to realise it was totally normal!

So, yes, Year 5 is appropriate.