A bit uncomfortable about what ds has learnt in his ‘boys club’ lesson

[jacksmannequin]

We had a letter home a few weeks ago about these lessons that were starting about puberty and hormones, they are calling it boys and girls club, how it wasn’t sex education and parents can opt out. I didn’t opt ds10 out because I believe he should learn about development. But I’m not happy he’s been told about masturbating, he’s only 10, autistic (in a special school) and I just think he’s not mature enough to hear about that yet. He came home saying “his soul left his body” 😆 the teacher was talking about how boys can stroke their penis and make it hard and get pleasure from it. I thought wtf !
AIBU? I just think it seems a bit much for year 5!

What aspect of puberty and development did you think they would be teaching them, OP?
If exploring your own body and the feelings it invokes isn't about puberty and development, then what is it?
I don't think people with autism are generally physically developmentally behind their peers, are they? You may feel he is not emotionally ready to learn about these things, but his body will march forward regardless.

So when do you think it would be appropriate? At 12? 13? Children are already having sex at those ages - you have to tell them all this stuff beforehand - not when it's already too late.

I’m half-half on this situation, because like you OP, my son is autistic and generally rather naive. He’s 11, and I definitely want him to learn about masturbation, but they should have told you beforehand what they would be talking about. I know my son doesn’t know about masturbation yet (because he tells me EVERYTHING lol) and I’d rather be the one to cover it with him so I can tell him in a way he understands and doesn’t harm himself. It’s awkward, but it’s natural.

I did explain to him it’s natural and a part of growing up and I also said it’s something that should always be done in private. I just don’t want my baby knowing this stuff yet. He doesn’t have a phone, I won’t be allowing him to have Snapchat, TikTok etc when he does get one ready for secondary school, and yeah I know the other kids will show him stuff, but that doesn’t change the fact I want to keep him a kid while he still is. Kids grow up way too fast these days and I agree it’s because of the internet.

Oh yes. You think it's great when they're toilet trained, but then you have a period of teaching them "get your hands OUT of your pants"!

He is innocent, just a bit less ignorant.
Theres nothing wrong with him knowing about masturbation, or doing it when he’s ready.

I meant in his maturity sense, he always plays with younger children etc because he’s more on their wavelength

Year 5 age10 year old boys and girls have been exploring their bodies since well before the internet!

I don't think this comes under sex education to be fair. Sex with another person and touching your own body are two different things to me. But maybe the letter should have been more clear about what the lesson would actually cover.

Right, so you'd rather he found out a bunch of half-truths and rumours from other kids instead?

He's not a baby. He's a 10yo with all the hormones and issues that go along with that.

Wouldn’t have happened in my day. I’m sure they meant well but that’s simply not necessary

Exactly this.

Keeping children and young people ignorant in the name of ‘innocence’ is in fact deliberately making them vulnerable.

Ignorance is dangerous. Possessing factual knowledge is the best way to preserve true ‘innocence’ by giving them the tools to recognise and escape from / report unsafe situations.

I was referring to porn that’s so readily available now

This thread does show why it's so important that we have statutory RSE in schools, because most parents are incredibly poorly equipped to know when to have these conversations with their children (and that's not a criticism!).

I hope you'll reconsider your kneejerk reaction that you would have withdrawn him from the session if you had known that masturbation would be mentioned, OP. You might like to have a look at the curriculum and guidance document: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/relationships-education-relationships-and-sex-education-rse-and-health-education. There is a huge emphasis on healthy relationships in RSE now which is particularly important for autistic children, who can be very vulnerable socially.

How old are you? I learnt about all this stuff in primary school nearly 30 years ago.

It's also very necessary.

I was masturbating at a similar age. I'd had no sex ed and didn't know what it was, but it was obviously something to be kept quiet and I felt very confused and guilty. Is that what you want for your son?

(Namechanged for this for obvious reasons)

Get real. Children younger than 10 masturbate, they just don't know the word! Just be grateful they can discuss things openly with an uninvolved and unembarassed adult. Given the level of ignorance many people have about their own and the opposite sex's bodies, such sessions have to be a good thing. Better than learning nonsense from illicit porn, which is far too accessible to children.

I think it’s important to understand the full context of the lesson too. I know when I’ve taught similar, you do have to briefly mention that people can touch themselves, so that you can make the point that a parent or dr might need to touch a private part to help take care of them (and explain boundaries, appropriateness of that) but no one else should. The discussion around masturbation would have been a very small part of the lesson, but it is the bit that children tend to latch onto.

OP, he may accidentally get a demonstration from one of the other students!
I’ve taught several children in mainstream that struggled more than usual to behave in an age appropriate way- rubbing against furniture, hands where they shouldn’t be. I would imagine more children would struggle like this in a special school.

The thing is he still will get the physical sensations.

I worked with teens with sen and this was a large part of the struggle.

Even kids with really profound needs, showing no concept of sexuality for example, experience the feelings and it can lead to inappropriate behaviour especially because of the lower awareness of social boundaries and increased likelyhood of sensory seeking behaviour.

Its almost in a way completely unlinked from actual sex

In the same way that we discover something tastes nice, or something like tickling feels nice. People with autism are more likely to be alarmed by sensations but also are more likely to self sooth by creating positive sensation

Since prehistoric time little boys and girls have discovered that certain things feel good and repeat them

If the extent of the lesson was that you may discover it feels good but you need to wash your hands and not do it in public, that it's no different to what many people have to teach handsy toddlers and pre schoolers who discover it in lower intensity.

I think it’s pretty clear I don’t want my son to feel ashamed. And I said I did explain to him it’s natural and a part of growing up. There is no need for any arsey comments, I am just a mother who STILL thinks he’s too young to know ! I did not learn about touching myself in primary school, it was periods and being shown sanitary towels and tampons !

Something BOYS do?

Do girls not do this then 😂

Must have missed that memo as a kid.

I wouldn’t be happy with that either, and regardless of age, I don’t think masturbation is something they should be taught about in school anyway.
My friend’s son learned about it in Y6 and it was taught in a very “oh it’s natural, nothing to be ashamed of” kind of way… to the point where her DS started saying to his mum, “I’m just off to my room to masturbate!” Obviously she then had to have further discussions with him about what was appropriate and what wasn’t, but he was under the impression his mum was wrong because school has said otherwise.

Mentally perhaps, but not physically. He needs to learn what's happening to his body, when it's okay to touch his private parts and when it's not.

A friend of mine works in a special needs facility and says the kids (both boys and girls) often masturbate openly in class, from age 5 upwards when they start the school.

It is so so so so important to teach your child about their body, what it does, what they can do to it, and what other people can/should/shouldn't do with it.

It's about safety.

Do you not think it would have been better if you learned about female pleasure too, OP?