Lovely man, who on the face of it doesn't have a lot going for him.

[Wayetblue]

Bear with me and I'll try and explain.

I'm a middle aged woman, financially and practically independent. I don't "need" a man and tbh in many ways prefer life without one, I certainly wasn't looking for one.

Then I met this man through a sport. One of many things I took up to "rebuild" and create this independent life for myself.

He's also middle aged, a bit younger than me, never married, no kids (which whilst may raise eyebrows has its pluses!) does some interesting work, but only works enough to keep the wolf from the door and pay for his trips etc, doesn't plan for the future or own his home, for example. He has a good single lifestyle, nice car and holidays, and pays his way, but he's not well set up. But I'm not looking for a financially sound life partner to.e.g. have a family with.

So, there's the cons. On the plus side, he's keen to see me, makes plans and sticks to them, completely reliable, i never feel anxious a out whether he'll call, doesnt play games, does loads of the "wife work", the admin of arranging a weekend away or a night out with friends. He has loads of ideas for fun things to do and makes them happen.

He manages to respect my independence and is happy for me to do things alone or with friends (including male friends) at the same time as letting me know he loves being with me. He manages to achieve that without ever making me feel bad for doing things without him, which may well be as it should be but I don't think that's always the case?

He's very supportive about anything I want to achieve and being with him is just comfortable. We have fun together and do interesting things, but doing "nothing" together is lovely too. He's also very kind to others. Through the sport we know some unusual people, e.g a young man with learning difficulties and some people with autism. He always goes out of his way to talk to those that others ignore, and include them in plans.

This weekend was the anniversary of a very difficult date for me. We went to a "thing" with a lot of mutual friends and aquaintances. It's what he loves, being with people, I find it more difficult, although I enjoy it once I'm there, I have to work at it, and this wasn't a good day for me, so I wasn't feeling great about it. We arrived together, he said some kind words and then we circulated seperately. It was all good, and every time I started to struggle he popped up by my shoulder to check on me, either chat with me for a bit or support the conversation I was having. It was like he was completely tuned into what I needed in that moment.

So, outwardly he's not a good catch, but things have been so good.

Now having written this out I realise my concerns are ridiculous, and he adds so much to my life, but I still think many on MN would think he's one to throw back because financially, I'm likely to carry the load, especially, as we approach old age/retirement.

I haven't really asked, but I suspect his retirement plans are mostly based on an anticipated inheritance. I don't love that about him, but it will be significant, even if his parent lives long and needs a lot of care,so I can kind of see why he might not worry about it, and the way he lives for the moment is one of the things that makes him good for me at this stage in life.

Why do you think he might be gay?

@Wayetblue for now it’s perfect. If it works don’t fix it.

However, if you’re on here asking for opinions, it’s suggesting to me there is something that needs fixing.

I wonder if you’re trying to decide whether this is enough because your ‘boyfriend’ doesn’t seem to have the resources now - financial and perhaps emotionally, for the relationship to evolve further. We are evolutionary animals so progress and development is keyed into our DNA.

Simply put - are you satisfied with having a long-term boyfriend or are you slowly yearning for a partner?

The more I read about him, the nicer he seems. I think you are lucky to be with him.

Also, it’s strange isn’t it how if a man was divorced with three kids and no money, ‘society’ would be more ok with him that a man who never married or had kids. Like having a failed marriage is ok because at least you did the traditional thing but if you didn’t even try then wtf is wrong with you? Women get this too.

I agree but it depends on your circle, in my social circle no one is seeing men (or women) with no kids and no divorce as weird or a red flag. They would be more worried if I rocked up with a divorced man with kids.

I think the side of society that thinks the way you describe are dying out. They are typically quite conformist and they feel threatened somehow when they learn that someone may have chosen not to get married and/or have kids.

It is weird but I follow a lot of childfree women on social media and you can see some people are really triggered by their choices. Including women.

I find that my friends who are in happy long term relationships and love being a parent, are the least judgmental about someone not having kids or ever getting married.

I suspect it’s the miserable married people/parents that are quick to find fault with someone who takes another path - be it through choice or circumstance.

This! We are so conditioned to believe that - past the age of 40 - unless you are / have been married and / or have children and your own home, there must be something wrong with you!!! God forbid anyone want anything else from life!!!

Also, me and DH have a good (male) friend who is 50, never been married, no kids, loves travelling and is a really lovely (and normal!!) bloke. He just says that, despite being in long term relationships, he never felt any were the right one to marry and so didn't commit. Likewise with having children. Surely that's a far better thing than doing the whole marriage and kids thing when you're not sure (like so many people do!!!)?!

You're discussing his minute details as if he's a horse you're inspecting for purchase as an investment. How are his teeth, by the way.

@Willowbull2025 ‘and reader I married him!’ So life affirming. Thank you for sharing.

Fair. You don’t sound as if you’re in love with this person, OP, or likely to become so. Which may, obviously, be what you prefer.

I’ve lived on my own since 19 except a few periods in my early 20s when I went back home. And quite frankly I am so envious of the people I read about in their 30s who went back home during the pandemic and stayed there.

I don’t have that type of home I could go back to without compromising my mental health.

So i definitely don’t see it as something that’s a bad thing if it saves someone money and they get along well with their family.

We talk about men not using women as a solution to their loneliness and sorting out their own life etc. I feel that’s what he’s did here. Maybe he figured out he was lonely living alone and didn’t want flatmates so he decided to stay on at his family house. Better than moving in with some woman he wasn’t that keen on just to get some company.

I’d not want to date someone of his age living with his parents for the reasons you describe and who isn’t financially independent, unless I only wanted a very casual, short relationship and was confident I wouldn’t want more once feelings developed.

It seems likely that as a result of deliberate choices he’s not actually saved or earning enough to ‘keep the wolves from the door’ without being housed by his parents. Not attractive.

If I was him and I read this id be massively pissed off with your tone. Its like you're looking for a reason for it not to work?

You can finish it with him for whatever reason you wish, too short, too kind, too much of a good work life balance, too gay.

He sounds like a series of green flags to me but maybe you just dont fancy him that much?

Do whatever you want, you dont owe anyone anything.

He sounds perfect for you right here right now.

Since you are not looking for someone to have children with, what else matters?

FWIW, I think intergenerational living will make a lot of sense in the future, and it sounds like he's got it nailed in terms of being there to support his parents without being in their pockets.

Sounds pretty nice to me. I think in middle age and onwards it’s nice to have an adventure partner. Someone to travel with, connect with, and care about.
You’re not getting married to him. And not moving in. Embrace it while it’s good. And if it becomes not-good, let him go.

If they have a lot of money though and they needed care he could pack up work and do lots of the caring himself.

i second this!

Op, he sounds lovely and you sound very happy with him. If you are not planning on moving him in, then you have the best of both worlds.

He lives with his parents, but it doesn't sound like Mummy does everything for him if he does his own laundry etc. His parents don't control his life like some who still live at home.

He brings food and drink when he comes over, he doesn't seem to be taking advantage.

I can sort of understand the height thing, but would you really ditch him over that? Look at Davina Macall and her partner, Tom Holland and Zendaya, there are a lot of famous couples leading the way with shorter men.

The requirements of someone being both kind, considerate and having time for other people while also being a career driven alpha male superstar are somewhat incompatible.

You won't find many people out there that tick all the boxes, because a lot of the boxes are fundamentally incompatible with each other. The question is whether he ticks enough.

And also what do you have to lose ? If you ditch him do you think you are going to find someone better ? Do you want someone who is "nearer perfection" and are you prepared to pay the potential price for that - that you might end up with no one at all ?

Despite what people claim, everyone settles. No ones partner is perfect in every respect. The question is what traits do you make non negotiable that a partner has to have, and which ones you are prepared to sacrifice as unimportant.

Edit : When and if you are ready to ditch him, you will know that within yourself. You won't need to ask an internet forum on what to do.

Every middle aged man I know who doesn't have kids and was never married actually does have a glaring reason why they don't.

I can comfortably believe that his height will have hugely hampered his dating life. So many women wouldn't get past this (and if I'm honest, I'm probably one of them).

My view, for what it's worth, is that you don't need to make any decision about where the rest of your life is going anyway, OP. You're enjoying it now - just go with the flow. It's not like you're looking for someone to settle down and have children with, so while it suits you (both), chug on.

I don't think it does. We are so rigid in this family about adults and parents not sharing homes. But why not? It would be a red flag if his ninety-year-old mother was hobbling around doing his washing and cooking his dinner while he lolled on the sofa, slept late, worked part-time and spent all his money on holidays.

But if he contributes to the household - helping them with physical jobs like gardening and moving furniture, giving them lifts to places, doing his fair share of the day to day cleaning, cooking, laundry etc, then there's nothing wrong with him living with his parents - it's a loving relationship between close adults.

Have you been to his home OP? Can you stay the night or is he in a childhood single bed with Batman posters still on the wall? [grin?]

As a middle aged partner he sounds great. He is kind, loving, loyal and you enjoy his company. You look for different things once you are past child bearing. Enjoy!

Oh OP, there’s no one way to live a life. You sound like you were on the date/buy house/marry/have babies/raise them train-it’s a big conceptual investment and takes some letting go of. But you have the freedom now to do something different and you’re clearly not looking to swap in a different husband and pick up where you left off. So what’s a relationship actually ‘for’ at your stage of life?

So what if he lives with his parents. Maybe he loves them and is happy in their company? He sounds kind and fun and he obviously cares about you. Height be damme!

He sounds like a great catch for a middle aged women who is financially independent, doesn't want to live with a man, but wants someone to enjoy life with.

He'd be a terrible catch for a 30 year old woman who wanted marriage and children.

Enjoy, and make the most of the good times.

OP, don’t let the harsh and cruel judgments here get to you. Trust your instincts and follow the thoughts that guide you toward the better path for yourself!

Gosh, too many of the judgments here are a bit much, aren’t they?

Imagine if the thread was reversed—say, a woman in her 40s, childfree, petite, living with her parents. I suspect the replies would be full of empathy, talk of the housing crisis, supporting ageing parents, 'living her truth' and all that.

But because it’s a man, suddenly he's stunted, odd, and needs sorting out? Bit of a double standard.

Not everyone’s life follows the same template, and thank heavens it doesn’t. Some people don’t want kids. Some don’t want to get married. Some can’t afford to move out. Some choose not to because they actually like being around their family (shock horror).

And honestly? His height is completely irrelevant. That kind of remark says more about the poster than the man in question. Feels like people are piling on just because his life looks different to what’s expected.

Bit of grace wouldn’t go amiss.

We complain about toxic masculinity, but then turn around and shame a man for not being the exact brand of 'manly' we demand. Bit ironic, really.

I understand some of the posters’ reservations - but the reality is that this man’s financial future sounds more promising than the average man. He has no children and is likely (per the OP) to receive a significant inheritance. AND he’s got a good income from a professional job.

He’s a lot less likely to be a financial liability to OP in her retirement than a divorced man in a mediocre job paying child maintenance and with no significant assets - ie the majority of divorced men. Many of whom are looking for a woman (any woman) to house and care for their kids if recent posts are anything to go by.

I think the reservations come because he hasn’t had a tough life - it’s all come easy to him. But the fact he’s got a good job and a good relationship with his parents (the living arrangements sound mutually beneficial) are green flags. Maybe this guy hasn’t taken on a lot of responsibilities compared with most men. But he’s fulfilling the ones that he has. Marriage and kids are NOT for everyone and there is no shame in this. The shame comes in taking on these responsibilities and then failing to deliver.

I think as the thread has progressed, I find myself shifting over to thinking you're actually quite judgmental? Every time you voice it as "people could say/might think", but is it actually "you" thinking this, not "people"?
Aka
He has lots of male friends - he must be gay
He doesn't have kids - he must be fucked up
Hes short