Lovely man, who on the face of it doesn't have a lot going for him.

[Wayetblue]

Bear with me and I'll try and explain.

I'm a middle aged woman, financially and practically independent. I don't "need" a man and tbh in many ways prefer life without one, I certainly wasn't looking for one.

Then I met this man through a sport. One of many things I took up to "rebuild" and create this independent life for myself.

He's also middle aged, a bit younger than me, never married, no kids (which whilst may raise eyebrows has its pluses!) does some interesting work, but only works enough to keep the wolf from the door and pay for his trips etc, doesn't plan for the future or own his home, for example. He has a good single lifestyle, nice car and holidays, and pays his way, but he's not well set up. But I'm not looking for a financially sound life partner to.e.g. have a family with.

So, there's the cons. On the plus side, he's keen to see me, makes plans and sticks to them, completely reliable, i never feel anxious a out whether he'll call, doesnt play games, does loads of the "wife work", the admin of arranging a weekend away or a night out with friends. He has loads of ideas for fun things to do and makes them happen.

He manages to respect my independence and is happy for me to do things alone or with friends (including male friends) at the same time as letting me know he loves being with me. He manages to achieve that without ever making me feel bad for doing things without him, which may well be as it should be but I don't think that's always the case?

He's very supportive about anything I want to achieve and being with him is just comfortable. We have fun together and do interesting things, but doing "nothing" together is lovely too. He's also very kind to others. Through the sport we know some unusual people, e.g a young man with learning difficulties and some people with autism. He always goes out of his way to talk to those that others ignore, and include them in plans.

This weekend was the anniversary of a very difficult date for me. We went to a "thing" with a lot of mutual friends and aquaintances. It's what he loves, being with people, I find it more difficult, although I enjoy it once I'm there, I have to work at it, and this wasn't a good day for me, so I wasn't feeling great about it. We arrived together, he said some kind words and then we circulated seperately. It was all good, and every time I started to struggle he popped up by my shoulder to check on me, either chat with me for a bit or support the conversation I was having. It was like he was completely tuned into what I needed in that moment.

So, outwardly he's not a good catch, but things have been so good.

Now having written this out I realise my concerns are ridiculous, and he adds so much to my life, but I still think many on MN would think he's one to throw back because financially, I'm likely to carry the load, especially, as we approach old age/retirement.

I haven't really asked, but I suspect his retirement plans are mostly based on an anticipated inheritance. I don't love that about him, but it will be significant, even if his parent lives long and needs a lot of care,so I can kind of see why he might not worry about it, and the way he lives for the moment is one of the things that makes him good for me at this stage in life.

Most of Europe doesn’t own a house OP. It’s not the be all and end all. He sounds lovely! Keep him!

Hi OP, having read all but your very last comment, I would’ve said everything sounds incredible, and don’t look for any problems where there aren’t any.

However the fact that you can even consider the possibility that he might be gay, well that is a huge ‘con’. You absolutely must check out any concerns in that area.

And most of Europe have better pension schemes than us, too! You're not comparing like with like.

Thinking he might be gay seems a massive leap?!

“He's also middle aged, a bit younger than me, never married, no kids (which whilst may raise eyebrows has its pluses!) ”

Why would any of this raise eyebrows?

A lovely man who’s not career driven but just happens to have a massive inheritance on the way is my dream man - I have actually often said this 😂

so what if he hasn’t earnt it? Sounds like he’s made sensible decisions that he doesn’t need to devote his life to making money

if you don’t want him I’ll have him!!!

In his 20s and 30s he earned a lot of money in the City and (in his words) spunked it up the wall. Travelled all over the world and did a lot of partying, thoroughly enjoyed life, no real regrets but realises he'd be better off now if he'd done it differently. The level of earnings could of course be nonsense, but I do know two friends who were there with him and did similar, and we randomly bumped into another man who he worked with at the time, and their reminiscing definitely supported this story.

That all came to an end in the banking crisis leaving him in a dark place for a while. Since then he's done lots of different jobs and earns a decent income, but also still likes his holidays! He actually earns similar to me. I've made more "sensible" choices but he's definitely lived more. In fact I worked in a similar industry in the 90s and early 00s and paid all my bonuses into the mortgage!

His finacial freedom (parents and not having mortgage or DC) means he can give lots of things a go and then try something else. Again I appreciate lots of people would find that a turn off, I certainly would have when I was young, but now I appreciate the freedom it brings.

And yes, I get what you're saying about the Internet and food, but I was answering a question about how he contributes. I know it's not what it would be if he lived alone, but in practice he's living as in a houseshare rather than with his mum iyswim, but still doing bits and pieces for his parents when they need him.

When he's at mine, usually he'll have eaten before he arrives. If we do eat together, either I will have shopped and cook while we chat, which is actually one of my favourite ways to spend an evening, and I wouldn't want him interfering or he'll ring a takeaway. He also brings wine and or/desert.

Last night, in the heat he brought cold cider (we'd already eaten) and he often brings biscuits or similar, and will pick up milk etc on the way if I ask him. So, I'm definitely in charge of food at mine, but that's how I like it, and he does his bit.

The only issue here is his lack of financial future planning. However if you never plan to marry this will not be your concern. However he needs to think about his retirement will he expect you to support him?

(And him not having kids is such a big plus, such HUGE plus. Finding middle aged men without kids is so difficult!)

Do you fancy him?
Do you look forward to spending time with him?
Can you imagine life without him?
Do you want to move in with him?
Whats your relationship like with his parents?
What do you want long term?

I get the sense this guy is nice and treats you well, but he doesn't necessarily make your heart sing. He's Mr Right Now, but maybe not Mr Right. Is this a question of settling for someone who seems nice, because he's nice and its logically a good decision, but at the back of your head you have a niggling feeling for something more than just 'Nice'. Nice can be right for some people, but for others nice simply isn't enough. Hence why I do think a lot of nice blokes (particularly if they are shorter) are effectively ultimately friendzoned because of almost a lack of passion and it all being a bit dull. At your point in life this might be what you want, but you need to have a hard think about it.

I do think you have to consider his living arrangements. Does he want to move out from his parents? And how likely is it he is going to be their carer in future years? Given he is living with them now, the reality here, is even if he did move out, he probably would seriously consider moving back in with them or moving them in if they needed it in future. You might be fine with this or you might not be - this is why I stress to need to ask what your relationship is like with his parents because they are very likely to part of his future in a close way. They are going to be a package deal.

And yes, you do need to think about his retirement plans because if his parents do live a long time, and do need a lot of care there is no getting away from the implications of this on him financially as well as in terms of his time and focus. It may well come to it, that he finds himself in a situation where he looks to you financially. Go into things with open eyes on that. It is a realistic possibility. One you might well be happy with, but your comments suggest otherwise that really you don't want to end up in a situation where you are financially supporting him.

That again goes back to my point about is he Mr Right. Would you worry about financial implications further down the line if you really loved him? Yes you should be considering you financial future and protecting yourself, but your hesitation on his finances also say "I'm really not as into him". You are seeing him as a dependent - which he ultimately is, rather than someone who is looking after themselves and responsible for themselves. It raises that question - is he looking towards you to be the replacement for his parents emotionally and financially, rather than being your equal and your lover? The point about him not having his own children, also feeds into this too. Is he still emotionally effectively in the role of child rather than adult? This is why you are feeling like this and asking the question.

I think its important to unpick WHY you are picking up these points as lingering doubts, whilst also rationalising that he is a good guy.

As I say, this is head v heart. Your head is saying one thing but your gut another.

I don't have the answer here. Many MNetters would say listen to your gut. Others will tell you that you should be making logical decision rather than listening to your heart because people make dumb decisions precisely because they don't do that.

No one is a perfect catch. Inevitably you always end up compromising on something. Just make sure you don't sell yourself short and its a compromise you can ultimately live with.

Would you think to yourself a few years down the line "I really made a mistake there" by not giving it a go? Or do you see yourself potentially resenting and regretting not considering your reservations?

You don't want kids, don't want to marry him and don't ever want to live with him. You say he is considerate, fun and that you fancy him.

As long as he shares costs when you go out together and being around him makes you happy then I think this is the ideal situation for lots of women!

Obviously something is niggling at the back of your mind for you to post. Saying he might be gay seems a huge leap. So what is it that is getting in your way and giving you pause for thought? If you aren't merging your families or your lives financially then really this is companionship, someone to do nice things with and presumably some sex. As long as he's a decent guy (and he sounds like he is) then what's the problem? It seems like for some part of you there is a problem, hence you posting on here.

Nice can be right for some people, but for others nice simply isn't enough. Hence why I do think a lot of nice blokes (particularly if they are shorter) are effectively ultimately friendzoned because of almost a lack of passion and it all being a bit dull.

What nonsense is this?

Also.

Would you be happy to have a relationship with him to just stay where it is?

Theres nothing to say you have to move it forward from this comfortable arrangement? To an extent, if it ain't broke, why try to fix it.

If what works now, works and you are both happy thats ok too.

OP, have you posted about this before? Sounds familiar.
If DH and I were to split up now and I dated again, I wouldn't care if a man lived with his parents or worked less, as long as he didn't take advantage of me. I would be looking for different things now.

As are you.

It's is and also he's really sweet with mine (young adults) Not in any kind of father figure way, but makes a kind friendly effort with them.

Honestly he just sounds better and better!

I think you're going to overthink yourself out of a lovely relationship if you're not careful. It sounds like you have a nice time together and he's not being a cocklodger, so why not just enjoy it. Xx

How often does he come over to your house OP? I'm assuming you don't stay at his parents' house but am curious whether suddenly he's over at yours every evening or you have a lovely independent life and see him a few times a week.

I see him most days but he'll come round for a cuppa between jobs or after we've both been to training in the evenings, for a couple of hours TV. He stays at weekends but we'll do something seperately during the day at least once over the weekend.

It sounds like he has more going for him than some people. He sounds kind, caring and genuine and no amount of money will buy that. If you enjoy the time spent with him then carry on and enjoy 🥰

It sounds like a failure to launch situation.

The drip feed of moving home to parents would be an issue for me personally. Did he have other options?

Also is he an only child and possibly transactionally enmeshed with their long term care - which may go on for 30 years? How will he fund himself when he retires and he is still potentially caring for them and living at home.

Where do you conduct your relationship - always at yours? That would be a no from me.

The speed of the relationship concerns me (seeing him everyday) - I would look closer at that. You saw you were happy with it (well that would be any love-bombers intention).

What is his relationship history. Has he always lived out until this one time returning home? Why have his relationships ended? Can you verify and does this ring true?

Keep observing his actions and your feelings going forward. Financially it sounds like he wouldn't benefit from marrying you either - sounds like you both have acquired assets in different ways (although he doesnt have his and there can be no 100% guarantee unless they have already signed property over to him and there are no other siblings?)

His time management is completely different to mine. I'll think I've got coaching at 7pm, I'm not free tonight. He'll think well, I finish work at 5pm there's time for the cinema before training and training's over by 8:30 so we could go for dinner 😂

I would try and enjoy the relationship without worrying where it's going as you're not in that phase of life. Sounds like he doesn't need to worry financially, and looking after his parents is a good sign. He takes responsibility for family. That's great.

You've been much more financially savvy because you've had to be.

I'd keep coasting for a while longer. Sometimes when things are good it makes us suspicious, but really the thing to do is thank our good karma. It's good for now. Isn't that good enough?

I think the same. Financial issues are only important if you were planning on setting up home together but you're not. He sounds good to me.

Op, everything you've written (apart from the height issue), I could also have written when I started dating DH. He was in debt, mid 30's, no marriage, no kids, living in one of his parents properties rent free, and due to inherit a huge amount some day.

I, on the other hand, had a house and children. We have made it work. We have been together for 17 years now. He cleared his debts and now has some savings. Nowhere near the savings I have, and the house we live in is mine (and will always stay that way).

I think in your heart you probably know the answer. If I told you now whether to stay with him, or whether to dump him, and you HAD to abide by my instructions, what would you secretly wish my command was?

I don't know why people think it's strange that he hasn't moved out of his parents home again after Covid. It is a really convenient arrangement all round, he's there to help them which will get more important as they get older, he has the benefit of a comfortable home and they all have the benefit of each others company. I know on here lots of people don't get on with their parents, but if he does why not stay? He would be living alone, no wife or children and they would be living in a (likely too big) home that will get more and more difficult for them to manage by themselves.