How do you ‘punish’ a child who just doesn’t get it?

[OhShutUpThomas]

I am trying my best, I really am.

3 kids. H works away and has checked out of parenting. Not the issue of this thread so please let’s not dissect it, just to highlight that although not a single mother, I am parenting alone to 3 tweens and by God I am TRYING my absolute best.

BACKGROUND:

DD8 is lovely but tricky. Currently awaiting assessment as I am sure she has learning difficulties.

She sulks and gets cross a lot. She has always been a sulker but it has massively ramped up. She is currently being kept back a year at school due to many valid issues, which she was fine with but now with transition day (season, it seems to be now) upon us, she’s quite emotional.

All of this means that I tend to excuse/not see the milder bits of bad behaviour. I don’t ignore them, but I don’t come down like a ton of bricks.

But the really bad, sulky, petulant, cross and nasty behaviour, I cannot overlook. Whatever the cause.

THE CURRENT ISSUE:

She and her sister and their friends are really into a sport. They train every week together and go to competitions about 2-3 times a month.

Last week at training, DD8 completely lost her shit at a perceived slight from DD10 (she can’t cope with any criticism, even ‘hurry up’) which ended in her hitting DD10 hard with a large stick. There was a big telling off for this, and I said any more bad behaviour and she would not be doing this weekends competition.

She semi-behaved for a day or so, then last night kicked off again massively, ending with her shouting at me in Tesco. On the way in I’d said her brother could push the trolley, and was about to say that she could swap at the end of the aisle, but before I got there she had a massive tantrum because she wanted to push the trolley. I
explained about the swap, but that now that couldn’t happen due to the tantrum. She shouted ‘FINE, I’M LEAVING’ and went to run from the shop. I grabbed her, because she’s 8 and can’t run out into the world at 9pm (we’d been to the cinema). People are now looking.

I bring her back in and she sees the people looking and smirks because she thinks she won’t get told off. I proceed to tell her off anyway. She has already been warned very clearly several times in the last 5 mins that if this carries on she will not be competing this weekend.

She answered the telling off with ‘It’s not fair, I’m not walking with you, I wanted to push the trolley’ and went to run off inside. So I told her that that’s it, she is not competing at the weekend.

She was then furious and kept asking why I was being so mean to her. She stomped around the shop giving me nasty looks.

This has carried on. Last night putting her to bed after all this she asked why I wasn’t her friend. Why I was being so mean. I don’t think she even remembered what she’d done.

I explained it all again and asked whose fault it is that she isn’t competing - mine or hers. She said mine, because I’m the one that said it. She just doesn’t get it, and I really could not have made it clearer.

I am at my wits end. I really wanted her to compete this weekend, and would have let her ‘earn it back’ but that ship had sailed I think. Her sister will have to ride her pony as I’ve already paid the entries. DD8 will have to still come and watch as there’s no one else to have her.

I am just exhausted. I’m sorry it’s long but please, and help will be SO much appreciated.

So op stomps off
and this thoroughly unhappy family limps on

@Aseveritisme hardly surprising as most people have focused on the time she took her children into the supermarket and not the child's behaviour over the last couple of days and what is happening at school

I imagine this same scenario could have happened at 15:30 on the school pickup had they stopped at Tesco's. But instead of giving the OP some practical advice/help there has been too much focus on the time of the incident

The practical advise is limited because has despite the husband doing squat all, because he had a tough childhood the Op lets him get away with it. Even though the consequence is,,, her mental health went down the drain and continues to circle the drain now.

the children are unhappy, the op is unhappy, the husband is absent.

So despite acknowledging her mental health is in the toilet you feel its appropriate to give her a good kick too?

Nice.

This is a lot for you to handle alone OP. Do you have any relatives around that can help out a little and give you a bit of a break?

It sounds like your dd may be autistic and have rejection sensitive dysphoria, plus possibly PDA - it might really help to read up on that as much as you can to give you some ideas on how to handle it. Everything is going to be more challenging for her and as a result more challenging for you.

You might find that dd will cope best with as much routine as possible - so a treat of going to the cinema that means she won't be home till past her bedtime and then taking her round a supermarket it really going to be difficult for her and she will probably not cope. I would say consider going to a matinee on a Saturday afternoon instead perhaps.

I would suggest that threatening punishments for the future probably won't work - do you find that? If that is the case then all they are going to do is escalate things and make everything more difficult for everyone. DD doesn't understand consequences, so that way of managing behaviour is not going to work for her.

I think taking dd to watch her sister ride in her place is an absolute recipe for disaster. Either let dd ride or write off the money and don't go at all. I understand why you did it but I would avoid taking away the one thing she loves and is good at as a punishment again. She needs building up as much as possible - I expect her self esteem is extremely low even if that isn't clear from her behaviour.

Unfortunately OP parenting a child with ASD is hard, if they have RSD and PDA then is 10 times harder again. It takes a lot of simplifying and organising your life to make things as easy as possible for that child while also juggling things for your other kids. I completely understand why you stay in your marriage despite it being far from ideal but something has got to give. You really need some help and support of some sort from somewhere.