Favourite stupid joke

[BarilynBordeaux]

Times are hard so I wanted to start a thread of dumb jokes that crack you up.

my favourite:

Thinking about getting a glass urn when I die…Remains to be seen.

I decided to get rid of my vacuum cleaner.

It was just gathering dust.

I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright noooooooow.

A man was worried about going bald.

"Get some rabbits tattooed on your head," his friend replied.

"Why?" The man asked.

"From a distance, they'll look like hares."

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own lingerie company for women? Unfortunately, Shatner Panties turned out to be a terrible choice for a brand name."

Love a cheese joke and would like to gather more of anyone has any!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
nacho cheese

what cheese do you use to lure a bear out of a tree?
camembert

there was an explosion in a French cheese factory.. all that was left was debris (da bri)

I want to die peacefully and gently like my bus driver grandfather, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

My DD has been learning Spanish since she began in Reception last month, but she doesn't even know how to say "Please" yet.
I know she's the youngest in the class, but I still think that it's poor for four.

A couple are at marriage guidance counselling and the man complains that his wife is completely unreasonable as she insists on letting her smelly old dog sleep in the corner of the bedroom overnight, and he simply cannot abide the stink any longer.
The counsellor says that there is usually a simple compromise to be found, and suggests that maybe they could leave the bedroom window open overnight.
The man replies incredulously "What? And lose my 500 pet pigeons?!"

Three men start at the same time as trainee lumberjacks. The foreman gives each of them a chainsaw at the beginning of the day, points to a densely wooded area, sends each of them to a different area and tells them to cut down as many trees as they can, before he goes away and leaves them to it.
The foreman comes back eight hours later and asks how many trees they managed to cut down. Bob says that he managed 57, Fred reports that he did 61, but Colin says sadly "I only managed to cut about 5% of one tree down - is that bad?"
The foreman congratulates Bob and Fred and looks very disappointed at Colin and says "That really is terribly slow indeed. Here, can you show me your technique and I'll see if I can find where you're going wrong" - and the foreman took Colin's chainsaw off him and pulled the cord to start it up.
"Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!! What's that dreadful noise?!" screamed Colin, before scarpering.

Oh we need the laughing react button back!! 😁

How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just sit in the dark blaming the bulb for not screwing them.

What cheese do you use if you want to hide a small horse from view?
Mascarpone.

The Isley Brothers famously wrote a book giving details of all their favourite varieties of French cheese.
Some are bries.

What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi!

A small plane is flying from Dallas to Denver when the engine sputters and dies. The pilot runs out of the cockpit, grabs a parachute, opens the door, then says, 'Sorry, there are only three parachutes left,' and jumps out. This leaves the four passengers: a 12-year-old boy, a college professor, a priest, and a doctor.

The doctor says, 'Guys, I need to be saved. I heal people and am a valuable resource to the human population.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out.

The professor says, 'Well, I've won the Nobel Peace Prize and spoken to the leaders of the free world. The president of the United States called me the smartest man alive. It is obvious I need to be saved.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out, leaving the priest and the young boy...but only one parachute.

The priest smiles sadly at the boy and says, 'Son, I've lived a long and fruitful life. You are young and have the rest of yours in front of you. Take the last parachute.'

The boy replies, 'It's okay, sir. The smartest man alive just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.'

A man always smokes two cigarettes at the same time, so eventually one of his friends asks, 'What's with the two cigarettes?' The man replies, 'My brother is in prison, and he told me to smoke a cigarette for him every time I smoke one for myself.' Sometime later, his friend sees the man smoking one cigarette instead of two. Surprised, the friend asks, 'Has your brother been freed from prison?' The man replies, 'No, I just quit smoking.'

My parrot recently died. Its last words were, 'Fuck, I think my parrot's about to die.'

I dumped my cross-eyed boyfriend when I found out he was seeing someone on the side.

What did the buffalo say when his son left? 'Bison!'

The person is now peeing

What do you call a minge on top of a minge on top of a minge?

a block of flaps.

I’m sorry your uncle was killed by a Venetian boat.

my gondolences

Why was 10 scared?
Because 7, 8, 9.

A Geordie is a guest at a garden party at Buckingham Palace, and Camilla brings around a big silver platter of delicate comestibles.
She approaches him with a smile and says "I wonder if you might like a cucumber sandwich... or a meringue?"
He replies "Howay! Ye're not wrang, pet - I'd love a cucumber sandwich!"

Donald Trump, the Dalai Lama and a boy scout who won an amazing once-in-a-lifetime competition are travelling high in the sky in a very small plane, along with the pilot.
The pilot runs through from the cockpit in a massive panic and screams "The engines have failed! I'm so sorry, but I've just discovered that we only have three parachutes. It's my duty to get back safely, to report the fault in detail, to prevent this from happening again." He grabs one of the parachutes and jumps out.
Donald Trump shouts "I am the leader of the free world! I'm the greatest and the smartest person who ever lived, so I MUST survive!" He grabs the second bundle and jumps out.
The Dalai Lama turns to the boy scout and says "I am a very old man, my lad, and I do not fear death. You take the final parachute and have a good long, happy life."
The boy scout looks down and says "Hey, thank you; but there are two parachutes left, so we can both survive - Trump took my rucksack!"

And: I’m thinking of selling my hoover. It’s just gathering dust,

My cousin has the heart of a lion. He also has a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Who are you that thinks this is funny?

I should have refreshed - or typed more quickly. I just told the same joke as @LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway