Disappointed in son but dh thinks I am overreaction. AIBU?

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Hi Everyone

DS is 26 married and lives with his wife and 1 DC. He found himself a bit short of money recently and asked if we could lend him £600. We agreed that we would and that he would pay us £300 a month, for 2 months. We have a bit in savings so we were able to do this with no impact on us.

My issue is that this was 2 months ago and he hasn't paid anything back yet. He has asked if he can have a "little bit longer" to pay it. I am annoyed and feel that he is taking advantaged of us. DH feels differently and thinks that we should support him and potentially write it off as a gift.

I think that at 26 he needs to be responsible and maintain his end of our agreement! AIBU??

If you can afford to lose it and he la struggling to pay it back I’d gift it to him. But I probably wouldn’t‘lend’ money again (I would still gift money)
if it is needed you need to sit down with both of them and ask fir a workable payment plan.

If he's struggling for money, £300 might be a lot in a month. Maybe make it £50 and have it paid back over a longer period, or give him a few more months to get back on his feet financially.

Honestly though if I could afford it, I'd just gift it, but would be very cautious of ever lending money again.

It really depends on the circumstances I suppose, is he generally sensible with money and struggling due to things outside his control like a large unexpected bill, or does he piss money away unnecessarily and then expect the bank of mum and dad to bail him out? I'd have a lot more sympathy for the former and I wouldn't see my DC struggling if I could afford to help out just to make a point.

He cannot afford fo repay £300 pm. Would be better to say £100 pm for six months starting this month.

Why do you feel he’s taking advantage?

I think i would want to know exactly how he came to be £600 short, how he originally thought he'd be finding that £300 a month to pay you back, and why that hasn't happened. Specifically, not just 'stuffs come up' - people are always vague when talking about money because they can be, because its seen as 'rude' to have open conversations about it, which makes it easier for people to lie to themselves, and others about their bad habits. So, get specific with him, help him figure out what went wrong at each stage.

I think asking for it back over 2 months was silly. If he's struggling for money and needed £600 he was always going to struggle to find £300 the next 2 months.

Ask him how much he can afford to give you each month to pay it off.

If he needed £600 then £300 is a huge amount to pay back in one go. I’d suggest £50 a month more realistic.

If I needed £600, I'd not be able to pay it back over 2 months, it's a lot of money. Maybe speak to him about paying £50 and more monthly when he can.

I think you're over reacting. If he was in such a situation that he was forced to borrow money, he may still be in a bit of trouble.
I would suggest £50 - 75 per month with a built in grace period.

If he's generally responsible then I'm not sure why you think he's taking advantage. Seems quite hard hearted.

Disappointed is a very strong word.

You don’t need the money you say, if he is struggling then why not just give him a dig out this time and ask him if he needs financial guidance. Are you worried about his spending?

You sound a bit tight!

Let him pay it back £50 a month.

Before you lent him.l the money did you have a family discussion as to why he was short of money - whether it was because of a one off expense, living above their means, or whatever?

Because the reason for needing the money is relevant. And a realistic period for the repayment should have been agreed.

When my son bought his first home I had to lend him,what was for me, a significant amount for his deposit and his moving expenses. Much as I love and trust my son the money was lent on the condition he set up a standing order and he repaid me an agreed amount every month that he could realistically afford. He's actually still repaying me and has increased the monthly amount when he's had a salary increase.

I would have been disappointed if my son had not kept his side of the agreement so I can understand why you are upset OP.

But it really depends on your son's actual.circumstances and reasons for not repaying at the agreed time before its possible to tell whether your disappointment is justified.

I sincerely hope that both he and his wife are working FT (or one is redundant through no fault of their own) and are working their arses off to change their circumstances and get that money back to you, not booking holidays, dossing about and skivvying off bank of mum and dad? If so, then no, no need to be disappointed, he has just fallen on hard times.

I’d be disappointed if he hadn’t raised it. He shouldn’t assume it’s ok to slide on the timeline for repaying but I’d be flexible if he spoke to me about it and I could afford it.

You sound very tight! He’s 26 and he has a little child. Have you looked at the cost of childcare? It only takes an unexpected bill, such as car repairs or boiler issues, to upset a young family’s finances. The cost of mortgages or rent is a huge proportion of most young people’s salaries and at 26, he’s surely not in a senior position yet

Surely if someone need to borrow money in the first place, they’re likely not going to have a spare £300 per month lying around.

Do you need it back quickly? I would probably have gone for something like £100 for 6 months.

AIBU. He obviously needs it. Could you not gift it to him?

Just to clarify - is this the same son you carried in your body for 9 months and raised from a baby? Can you not give the person who grew inside you (and who you are meant to love and support unconditionally) £600 and not ask for it back? Jesus wept. Your son is struggling. You’ve said yourself you can afford it. I’d give my son the shirt off my own back, no matter his age.

I think posters saying they'd gift rather than loan to their adult kids are missing the point that the decision should be in the hands of the one giving / lending the money rather than the recipient after the fact.
It must feel shit to be lied to by your son.

Without more information I think it's impossible to know whether you're being unreasonable or not. Circumstances are relevant here, eg if your DH and his wife are quite careful with money but on a low income and found themselves faced with a large unexpected bill for a car repair, that's different to being short of money because they've booked an expensive holiday that they can't really afford.

This.

I would be disappointed if someone agreed to repay a debt in a certain way then just ignored that responsibility without talking about it, BUT, I do agree with most people that if money is tight enough that he had to come and ask for a £600 loan one month, then the idea he would be able to meet all his commitments and have £300 over to pay you back for the next two months does seem somewhat unlikely.

However, all of this is in a context you know about and we don't.
Does he have history of not budgeting and having his parents bail him out? Or has there been some unexpected emergency ?
(You don't have to answer, but that would impact greatly on my thinking).

Cut him some slack. The world is a tough place right now.

Unless, of course, you’re struggling too - and really need the money back. If it helps, continue resenting your son, but tell yourself you’re doing something to help your grandchild.

I'd be disappointed but wouldn't share my feelings, he is struggling like many young people, we live in a society where working adults need to visit food banks.
I'd take the pressure off him by wiping out the loan, he is unlikely to ask again.