Disappointed in son but dh thinks I am overreaction. AIBU?

[Rachlaroute]

Hi Everyone

DS is 26 married and lives with his wife and 1 DC. He found himself a bit short of money recently and asked if we could lend him £600. We agreed that we would and that he would pay us £300 a month, for 2 months. We have a bit in savings so we were able to do this with no impact on us.

My issue is that this was 2 months ago and he hasn't paid anything back yet. He has asked if he can have a "little bit longer" to pay it. I am annoyed and feel that he is taking advantaged of us. DH feels differently and thinks that we should support him and potentially write it off as a gift.

I think that at 26 he needs to be responsible and maintain his end of our agreement! AIBU??

Given he asked for the money he must have been really desperate. I too think asking to be repaid over 2 months was unrealistic. I think you need to have a conversation with him to discuss repaying smaller amounts. Personally I’d probably just gift it, but not say so until he makes an effort to repay then you can say something like just keep it, unless of course he’s in the habit of borrowing money.
We had to loan my son six months rent up front not long after he graduated. Though he was very grateful, he hated owing us money. He set up a standing order and paid us the equivalent of the monthly rent.

If your DS works and has a young family I would have refused to lend it but given it instead. You've said it's had no impact on you whatsoever. Not everything in life has to be a lesson, kindness is a wonderful thing.

You've moved very quickly to disappointment.
What about understanding, concern, empathy?

Are you always so harsh?

You sound like my mum (that’s not a compliment). Once in thirty years I needed to borrow a tiny bit of money as I’d lost my job and she was such an arse about it (even though she had loads more than me). She gave it to me but it upset me for years. Just remember help isn’t always monetary so if you resent helping your son, don’t ever ask him to help you out in the future with any favours monetary or otherwise.

Unless he's spending the money on drugs/alcohol/gambling or the like and he's genuinely using it to support his young family then I wouldn't dream of lending my son money. I'd give it to him! £600 isn't a huge amount these days and you say you can afford it. Personally I'd wipe the debt or at least make the re-payments more realistic such as £50 a month.

This, or £100 max. In the circs I can’t think £300 was ever going to be realistic.

Is this a joke? Sweet baby jesus... You'd sign official papers with your own son for measly 600 and then what, if he won't repay it? Sue him? Your son, the parent of your grandchildren, so he'd cut ties with you forever? I mean.

OP, you're quite shitty, tbh. Real maternal and all. Well at least your son has a decent Dad, I guess.

Never lend what you can’t afford to lose! You’ll probably not get that £600 back OP but will you learn a lesson from this? I’m sure none of us would see our AC struggle but where do we draw the line? My suggestion would be to have a small discreet note of what he’s borrowed and suggest he pays maybe a tenner a week - not much in the great scheme of things but he does need to take responsibility- mark each payment off until the loan is repaid.

'He's taking advantage' / 'you're disappointed' - oh my, you sound lovely! If you really need it then talk to him about setting up a small amount each month (£20-£50) standing order making sure it doesn't leave him short for, oh I don't know, feeding his family, and then you can claw it back.
I'm only going on the way this is written but it could be that he has a habit of doing this and spending the money on drink, drugs and having a good time in which case more the fool you for lending him more.

I agree. I admit OP has triggered me because of my own experience. I hope OP never asks her son for any kind of favour in the future (so hypocritical of her if she does), no matter how much she might need it. The dad sounds far more empathetic.

If I ever lend money, I lend it on the assumption that it will not be returned.

This influences my decision whether to lend or not.

If I get it back, that's a bonus.

unless there is a massive drip feed that you have him ££££ for a deposit or something £600 is not very much money! He obviously doesn't have much or he wouldn't of asked to borrow it, £300 a month was a huge amount to expect given they are struggling already. If you really need the money back I would ask for a tenner a week or similar. But I'm with your husband I would just say keep it as your needed it but we wont be doing it again any time soon. I highly doubt he set out to mug you off.

He must pay it back, as it's an important life lesson. But ask him what he can afford. Even if it's just £25/month over a year, that's settled his debt. Don't become responsible for the debts of an adult male. As long as you're not charging him interest, you're still helping him out as a parent should.

Only lend what your willing to lose.

If it was my son and he was struggling and needed some money to tide him over them I'd happily give it to him if I could afford it. Times can be hard for a young family and I would want to help if I could.
Unless there's some massive back story about how he does this all the time, borrows money and never pays you back then I think you're being unreasonable.

He is BU. So he can't afford £300 - the adult, or just the moral, thing to do is to discuss this and tell your parents what you CAN afford, not simply to ignore the debt and assume it's a gift. I don't think gifting him the money is a kind thing to do, especially as he has demonstrated that he feels he has entitlement, so far!

He hasn't ignored it. OP said he asked for longer to pay it

Ok, fair point, but did he make any concrete proposals?

You anrent doing him any favours not holding to account but £300 a month is maybe too much to find. I'd ask for £50 a month paid as a standing order. If he pays that regularly between now and Christmas I'd write off the remainder as a present.

He isn't ignoring the debt and has asked his parents for more time.

I know you have acknowledged that now, but I would say too that with OP's attitude (disappointment in him, thinks he's taking advantage etc.) then it is very clear why he might be cagey about discussing finances in detail with her. Maybe he would with his Dad, who sounds more empathetic and less of a tightwad.

You are clearly not going for parent of the year. I assume this is the first time he has asked for help? He must really need it and trust you are loving parents who can give some support. Do you want to destroy that? I imagine you are not yourselves desperate for the money at the moment.

Ffs, who came up with the idea of paying it back in two £300 instalments? If he was skint and needed £600, paying it back in two months is a huge and unfair, ask.

Surely the role of a parent is to guide and help their children?
Kindest way would be to speak with him and arrange a repayment of maybe £53 per month for 12 months and teaching about interest you will have lost on that money.
Have a good chat with him about what the unexpected expenditure was caused by and try and help if you can.
With a new child things can get expensive quickly. Maybe his partner insisted on a brand new £300 buggy or cot.
Point him in the way of places like Facebook marketplace and eBay and give him guidance on how to negotiate for something that would have been £300 but you can get a decent one for maybe £50?
Completely appreciate that with the first child everything should be brand spanking new and shiny but sometimes life doesn't give us those options.
I was brought up in the mid 70s and they were hard times.
Good luck 💐
Teach a man to fish not give him a fish.

You need to have a reasonable conversation with him about how much he can afford to pay back per month, and he needs to stick to it.

Yes, I think you are being a bit unreasonable - unless there is back-story of him making poor financial decisions/you've already given him money & financial advice in the young adult stage to set him up.

I think it would've been kinder/more achieveable to have given him two months without having to start paying it back and then him pay you back at £50-£100/month.