Disappointed in son but dh thinks I am overreaction. AIBU?

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Hi Everyone

DS is 26 married and lives with his wife and 1 DC. He found himself a bit short of money recently and asked if we could lend him £600. We agreed that we would and that he would pay us £300 a month, for 2 months. We have a bit in savings so we were able to do this with no impact on us.

My issue is that this was 2 months ago and he hasn't paid anything back yet. He has asked if he can have a "little bit longer" to pay it. I am annoyed and feel that he is taking advantaged of us. DH feels differently and thinks that we should support him and potentially write it off as a gift.

I think that at 26 he needs to be responsible and maintain his end of our agreement! AIBU??

On this occasion I would ensure I get the money back, unless you know he is struggling. Otherwise he will keep borrowing money and not give it back.

26 and married with a baby is quite unusual these days … and presumably he’s paying a lot of rent/mortgage and possibly childcare.

Its tough out there so I’d cut him some slack unless there’s a background story to him being frivolous.

So, at 26yo it seems he has made a one-off request, otherwise I assume you would have written that it is a constant issue. Then, instead of shirking it and pretending he didn’t have anything to pay, he has brought it up and said he needs longer. And you believe this one instance shows your adult child is irresponsible and is taking the piss? And, it seems you can afford it, and it’s not leaving you short. Bloody hell. I thought I was strict with my adult kids in regards to being responsible but this is something else. I’d be embarrassed to have written that.

This.

UANBU for being disappointed that DS hasn’t stuck to the agreement and hasn’t offered to renenogiate the payments. It’s not much money but it suggests that he’s not being straightforward about his financial situation, which may be tricky for many reasons.

Sounds like the pay back agreement was unrealistic rather than your son taking advantage of you. He's got a young child which will be placing an additional financial burden on the family and throws up lots of unexpected costs. Cut him some slack.

You are bound to be disappointed because the payment plan wasn’t at all realistic and was never going to be achievable or he wouldn’t have had the need to borrow it in the first place.

I do think that you need the money back though. Your best chance of getting it back is in much smaller amounts every month. Ask him what he can afford.
We all come unstuck at times and it’s good he had you to turn to. Don’t be disappointed OP, just help him to know he has to budget more carefully to repay it. You could then save it for him in case there’s another rainy day further down the line.

Was the £600 for something specific? (Car repair, boiler replacement etc.) It makes a difference. I'm £600 short this month just because = really crap at budgeting. I'm £600 short this month because we've had to pay for a £1,200 car repair / boiler replacement is completely different. If it is the latter, I would have said "pay us back when you can / what is reasonable to pay us back, how about £50 a month." If it is just "we are a bit crap with money and we maxed out our overdraft" there is a different issue: but I would be very upfront about "this seems to be happening and it is a bigger problem than just one month; we want to be able to support you when you are really stuck but can't do it every month / forever so instead what can you / we do together to stop this problem from happening." It's one thing to give someone a leg up for a particular thing, it's another to keep putting more in a bucket that has a hole in the bottom.

I disagree that a loan should be converted into a gift on the information provided. In my opinion a loan should be repaid.
OP says she has ‘a bit’ of savings. That could mean she has enough to cover a minor or major repair to her home. There’s nothing to indicate that she could gift money with no consequences.
Also, she may have more than one DC. In fairness if I was to gift one of my children some money I would want to gift the other the same sum.
Whether or not the repayment was set at an unrealistic sum, it was what was agreed. I think it’s fine to renegotiate for a longer repayment period, but in OP’s position I wouldn’t just write off the money.
It’s in her son’s interest to repay in case he needs to borrow again in the future. There is nothing to suggest that OP’s savings are substantial, and that she could help again.

I feel sorry for your son who is obviously struggling. Do you know why he needed £600? Given your response I would expect he found it difficult to ask initially. As others have said to expect him to pay back 300 over two months is unrealistic.

Instead of focusing on what he owes why not try and help by looking at his budgets and working out how to live within his means. He doesn't need the extra pressure from you as well as whatever other struggles he has with money.

Unless he's always asking for money and is incredibly irresponsible with his finances, I really don't understand why you wouldn't just gift it to him.

And paying it back over two months is quite a short window to pay it back.

Do you know how expensive and difficult life is in this climate? That is probably the tip of the iceberg for them.

They’re raising your grandchild, if you’re able, do gift them the money!

Mine and my partners parents have gifted us thousands over the years and helped purchase items for both when needed. Neither are well off, but like you had savings.

DP’s parents do expect it back, at some point, not in a set timeframe, but my dad would never take it from me.

I would be disappointment as well. If he couldn't pay the 300/month back he should have said so the first month and asked to pay a smaller amount each month. To just ignore his debt and count on parents gifting it is not OK.
I would have given my son the money AFTER he had shown responsability and decency trying to pay back. It's the entitlement of the son that I think buggers the OP and not the money per se.

Bloody hell, he is struggling for money and you demand £300 a month back for your savings ! What was wrong with telling him he could pay it back at £50 a month ? No worry from you about what is going on in his life just that he is a disappointment to you. You are all heart aren't you, no wonder he hasn't mentioned it.

Agree with PO. It doesn't sound realistic that someone needing to borrow £600 could afford to repay £300pm. I understand why you don't want to write it off and that is your choice but I'd speak to him and agree something that's more affordable.

The payment plan was quite unrealistic and he should have tried to negotiate it a bit more. Sit down and ask how much he can pay pack every month. 50? 100?

not enough information to judge. What was the loan for? Is he still struggling? Does he normally lie to you? Is he normally bad with money? I think your needing is is secondarily relevant really. What did you say when the first repayment didn't arrive? What did your son say then?

Echoing what others have said, the repayment plan seems unrealistic.

He hasn't been honest about whether/how he can pay it off so I would insist on it being returned, albeit at a lower rate over more time.

26 is so young, the worlds a hard place. let him pay back when he can or smaller amounts. Or if you can afford it gift it.

For me it is about communication.
Did you tell him the repayment terms or did he propose them?
Has he said anything about not having paid?
If he is going to use you as bank of mum and dad then you are the bank manager and supplying help would involve giving information. We have supplied interest free loans in the past and standing orders were set up to repay. We have gifted larger amounts for deposits, our choice, we offered. I have paid for shopping when they were younger or sent gift cards for shopping. Certainly have helped by buying things for gc that were needed.
You need to sit down with him or them and have an open discussion to see where this is coming from and how it arose.
Unexpected one off situation, either gift or loan with a set up manageable repayment.
Financial immaturity, give advice, adjust the repayments to lower longer.
Living beyond their income, help them budget, consider gifting to get them over a hump.
One or other shopaholic or gambling or something, advise but make any help conditional on change.
In all cases do not let this become a habit. £600 now that you can afford is fine but I would want some repayment even if partial and a a low regular amount.

I agree that if needed to borrow money to get by, he is not likely to have £300 per month at his disposal.

I never loan money that I cannot afford to lose. With my child, £600... I wouldn't ask for that back. So, I am with the husband on this.

Given he hasn't started to pay you back I would sit down with him and work out what was affordable. £300 per month cab be a lot to find if they were already borrowing off you.

Sit down and work out a budget with him say £50/£75/£100 per month.

If he is struggling so much that he has to borrow £600, Theres no way he’ll find £300 in a month.
I suspect he wont even have £20 spare at the end if the month if they are that tight.

As a mum, with no financial issues, I’d have given him the money tbh. And I would have had a chat about how they are doing/whats going on. With CURIOSITY, no judgement (or blame)