Disappointed in son but dh thinks I am overreaction. AIBU?

[Rachlaroute]

Hi Everyone

DS is 26 married and lives with his wife and 1 DC. He found himself a bit short of money recently and asked if we could lend him £600. We agreed that we would and that he would pay us £300 a month, for 2 months. We have a bit in savings so we were able to do this with no impact on us.

My issue is that this was 2 months ago and he hasn't paid anything back yet. He has asked if he can have a "little bit longer" to pay it. I am annoyed and feel that he is taking advantaged of us. DH feels differently and thinks that we should support him and potentially write it off as a gift.

I think that at 26 he needs to be responsible and maintain his end of our agreement! AIBU??

If it has no impact on you why not write it off.
We have gifted our children money when they've needed it. We wouldn't dream of asking for it back.
Money is very tight for a lot of young families so if we can help we think it's our responsibility to do so. As we say to them anything we have left will go to then eventually anyway so they may as well have it when they need it.

@eatreadsleeprepeat yay but the bank of mum and dad can’t be setting impossible to achieve repayments. Otherwise they're just like shark loans right?

And the bank of mum and dad can also enquire as to what’s going on before saying Yes rather than assume the ds will be able to repay on their terms. That’s what any bank would do right? Checking if you can pay them back as well as what are going to use the money for.
And the bank doesn’t have to say Yes. But when it does, it knows it carries risk too.

Instead, the OP set up something that was obviously going to be impossible, setting her ds to fail, and now gets to judge him ‘for not repaying her’.
No wonder the ds isn’t keen on approaching the subject and having a chat about it.

Some 26 year olds are still living at home - yours seems to have done well to be out in the world and with a child already - if you can do without the money I would have made it a gift in the first place

You need a conversation and a manageable repayment plan. Eg £100 a month. But without knowing his income and outgoings you can’t know what’s reasonable. Maybe he’s really struggling every month and getting ever deeper into debt. It is really tough being a young family at the moment.

Agree with this. The reasons he is struggling are important. If he has just booked a holiday or something with the cash I'd be raging. If he needs a new car to get to work because his old one broke down I'd be more willing to help.

What I wouldn't be impressed with either way is if he agreed to pay you back knowing he couldn't ever do so - as that's quite dishonest. And I wouldn't be impressed if he hadn't kept me informed of how he was going to pay me back and waited for me to ask

Maybe he didn't lie but he thought he could pay it back in two months maybe he was desperate. Either way he is her son and asking for it back in two months seems unrealistic anyway

Its really hard for young families ATM. I remember being stoney broke when my children were young and wouldn't see my adult children struggle. Different if they were splashing it on eating out every night etc. Personally I'd just write it off. Doesnt sound like it's a a regular ask so they must have just had a bad month.

I'd have been disappointed in my DS if he'd had a child at 26 or younger and wasn't financially set up to do so. I think the horse has already bolted on the disappointment stakes.

Lower the repayments for him

Agree with this.

I am not surprised that a 26 yo with a baby struggles in today’s climate. Not surprised at all.

£300 a month for two months after being broke was very very unrealistic and has set him up to fail and you to feel judgey against your own son.

Re-adjust to £50 a month over 6 months. But talk to him realistically about whether he can afford it.

Unless there’s more detail that you haven’t added (like DS having a previous gambling addiction etc) I think YABU.

He’s got a new baby, their income has taken a big hit by one of them being off on maternity and I assume either mum isn’t back at work or she is and they’re now having to pay for childcare.

Times are really tough for the younger generations currently and the COL is through the roof.

It’s £600 it’s not exactly £6000. I think you are being too harsh and if I was in the position I would probably say not to pay it back at all.

And I have always been taught to only loan money you would be ok with never seeing again.

Goodnesss - you mentioned it didn’t impact on you so I if I wouldn’t miss it I would top it up to £1000 and let him keep it. Obviously that is hoping he is spending it on the shitty cost of life not dope and gambling. It’s only money - it’s there to facilitate life and love. Then see if he needs any budgeting support.
It benefits your son, your grandchildren - I would feel delighted to help in the context of a family that is working together. Don’t take too much credit for your better finances - everyone gets different starting points in differing contexts and so much is luck.

I def wouldn’t have made such a punitive repayment plan - that wasn’t likely to work. I wouldn’t presume dishonesty or lying just stress and worry. where is that money best used - for you who doesn’t miss it or him who will? Sure it’s yours but so what - what is the point of it?

OP, YANBU to be disappointed that he has broken the agreement. £300 for 2 months is quite though.

I would now rearrange the repayments to something that he can afford, but he should repay you, and you shouldn't lend him anything else until he does.

or if you want to compromise with DH, write off half of it, but ask him to repay the rest.

While it is great to support him, he does need to learn that loans need to be repaid. You won't help him if you have to keep on bailing him out, but this could have been a one off.

I wouldn’t gift it @Rachlaroute as it sets a precedent. Gifting should be your choice up front. But £300 a month is a lot so I’d suggest £50 a month and ask him to set up a standing order for the day after next pay day.

Please God don’t let me be like you should my children ever need help.

If you can afford it, why not just give it to him? My parents helped me out with cash when I needed it as an adult, and I intend to do the same with my DC when the time comes. I could understand if you were really desperate for the money but sounds like you aren't. Why are you being so stingy especially when your husband who I assume is the joint provider of the money is happy to write it off? Maybe reduce amount owed to £300 for your half of the debt and let him pay it off £50 per month?

When people are desperate to borrow money they will agree to any sort of repayment terms, even if unrealistic, because it's better than the immediate situation. If he's struggling anyway, £300 per month is too much.

As others have suggested, talk to him and come up with a more realistic plan. If this was from your savings and you don't have an immediate need, more slowly should be fine? I'd also say you're there to listen and advise if he wants because you understand financially, life is tough at the moment.

ETA, TBH I'm with your DH in the write it off camp. It doesn't sound like he has a history of needing loans and not repaying.

Hmm, well I'm mid 40s with 3 DC, 1 the same age as OP's son and 2 young teens. Our monthly mortgage payment has doubled since our previous deal ended.

I think there is a large amount of needing to acknowledge your privilege when advocating being able to 'afford children'. The human race wl be in jeopardy. I think multigenerational living and help from older generations is/ is going to be the only answer for a lot of 'normal' working couples.

We are more privileged than most and it is still not easy.

Your DH is right. You are in danger of coming across as a tight arse here.

I'd gift him the money this time. He's a struggling Dad with a young child. There are big expenses attached to that including childcare if they both work.

Expecting that someone who is clearly struggling could pay you back £300 a month was totally ridiculous if you. You can afford it so if you are so against gifting the money to him then the payment plan should have been more realistic - say £50 a month over 12 months, or just little and often until it is paid.

He probably did want to agree to the £300 a month because of the hit to his pride at having to ask you in the first place. He probably also had some idea how you might react so wanted you off his back. So he verbally agreed to something totally unrealistic, has regretted that and felt tense about it knowing that he will need more time (that he has now also had to ask for).

As I said, I'd gift it this time. If he asks again then offer to go through the finances with him to see what is happening and how it can be helped.

Sorry meant to quote @RosesAndHellebores 😜

Help your son by attending a budgeting advice meeting set up by a charity that offers financial and budget advice.
This will stand him in good stead for life.
His partner should also attend. One of you offer to mind the children and the other one go along to hear the advice.
It is hard to manage home finances at first so help your son cultivate good habits of keeping records and spending within a budget.

I suspect that if he was asking for £600, he probably doesn't have £300 a month later either...

I think you sound harsh tbh. Have a chat and find out what's going on. If you think they're being reckless with money then that needs saying but if they're struggling surely you want to help?

This and he is your son!