Disappointed in son but dh thinks I am overreaction. AIBU?

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Hi Everyone

DS is 26 married and lives with his wife and 1 DC. He found himself a bit short of money recently and asked if we could lend him £600. We agreed that we would and that he would pay us £300 a month, for 2 months. We have a bit in savings so we were able to do this with no impact on us.

My issue is that this was 2 months ago and he hasn't paid anything back yet. He has asked if he can have a "little bit longer" to pay it. I am annoyed and feel that he is taking advantaged of us. DH feels differently and thinks that we should support him and potentially write it off as a gift.

I think that at 26 he needs to be responsible and maintain his end of our agreement! AIBU??

I'm with your DH. Not sure of your financial circumstances but if you can afford it and your son is usually ok with money then I would gift it.

I have given my DC considerably more because I have the money and I hate to see them struggle.

I wouldn't want to get into a pattern where I 'lent' my adult son large amounts of money regularly and he agreed a payment plan but refused to pay it back expecting it to be written off as a gift.

More context is needed here-you know your son and whether he's a piss taker or not!

If they are hard workers and got into a fix, I might have given it to them, but not just because they don't start paying it back. What happens next time? I wouldn't want to set this up as the expectation.

Maybe ask him to set up a standing order for £50 a month.

Did you get anything in writing? One of Judge Rinder’s first questions on his old show and it had never occurred to me before I watched that .
I think that some children feel there is a pass to repaying any loans to parents, but it really it should be on a more formal setting if it’s not a gift.
Maybe ask him to set up a direct debit to pay it back monthly. Make it clear you do want it back.

Given that you don’t mention this is a pattern of behaviour from him I think you’re being really over the top.

I’d also ask him to go through his finances. He may be able to have a mortgage ‘ holiday ‘ for a month for one example to pay it back , but I know that is extreme.
Or possibly see if he can get a 0 percent credit card loan or something if he has other debts. He needs to establish why he was in debt in the first place and if he can make any savings elsewhere or maybe just needs some advice ? Times are tough at the moment, but you want it returned and don’t let things drift on this.

God no, that’s so formal.. these are your kids
£300 isn’t manageable OP, change it to £50 a month and you’ll see a quicker return

How was he going with to pay back £600 in 2 months! He needs longer to pay it back (£50/£100 per month).

If this is the first time YABU if this is a pattern of behaviour YANBU.

I know the ‘ agreement in writing ‘ sounds formal / bad , but the amount of people who don’t do this and rely on verbal communication and agreements can cause all kinds of problems further down the line.

I wouldn’t do it myself for a child, but if you want the money back you need something to prove you actually paid it to them and you want it repaid by whatever time frame your expecting it back.

sort out a realist payment okan

someone who borrowed £600 and then thinks they can pay back £300 a month is clearly floundering to understand budgeting- which is possible why they are borrowing in the first place

Unless I was really struggling I’d just give him the money tbh

I would have given it him if you’re not going to miss it. I’ve known what skint is with a baby and it’s absolutely shit.

Why would you set the repayments so high? If he's struggling it is most likely not a one off and £300 is a lot. I'd have asked for £50 over 12 months or £100 over 6 months.

Also think it's a shame that your first instincts is to be disappointed. Surely you'd be asking him what is going on with his finances. Do they both work? Any issues with gambling or another vice? Or is it more poor money management?

I agree with a pp if this is the first time he has borrowed money then yabu but if he has done this before then yanbu.

So OP - you aren't missing the money, your DS is struggling and presumably took a hit on his pride to ask for help.

Unless he has form and is taking the piss in other ways I would say you are a tight arse. Help your child. It would be a VERY different story if you could not afford it.

Imagine the other way round:

Me and DW are really struggling. The car broke down and the boiler went. Our DC has been home sick from nursery so we had to take unpaid leave. I really need some help, would it be unreasonable to ask for help from my parents, even if I have to offer to repay more than I can afford?

I think your terms were to hard. If someone can't find an extra £600 one month it's highly unlikely they will be able to pay £300 back for the next two months.

£50 each month would have been much more practical.

If he's short of £600 then chances are he's not in a position to come up with an extra £300 in the near future.

Before lending or giving more money you need to figure out how much you can afford to financially support him. I'd also expect him to be open about his financial situation with you if he is going to receive your help.

If it’s the first time he’d asked I’d want to know what was up and what I could do to support him. If he’s always asking that’s different. If he genuinely struggling I’d just gift him some money to cover him while he finds his feet.

I honestly find your attitude absolutely baffling.

I think expecting him to pay 300 a month is to much. Let him pay 50 a month. For him not to address it is wrong. It was a loan not a gift .

£300 a month is unrealistic to someone who needed £600. Set up a standing order/direct debit monthly for £50 on pay day. You get your money back and he doesn’t have to pay such huge amounts.

Lots of young people are forced to use their parents as a financial safety net. Everything is too expensive and they are struggling. I would gift him half and ask for £300 back in payments of £50 a month. He is not deliberately trying not to pay you, poor soul clearly is stuck.

Would you say he works hard and is careful with money but is struggling due to cost of living etc? Or do you think he wastes money on unnecessary items?

I would jab given it as a gift - I know my DD lives ( and works hard) in a very expensive area

also if they were 600 short that happened for a reason - expecting 300 back each month therefore seems like you didn’t think much about their overall situation- had the problem gone away - was it a one off issue - do they normally manage to save anything ….

While I agree the £300 a month was unrealistic, there's been nothing stopping the DS giving £50 instead, he didn't need to give £300 or nothing or wait for his mum to renegotiate the amount. He managed to ask for the £600 so is able to communicate when he wants to. I think the answer is somewhere between OP's unrealistic timeframe and DH's writing it off. That said, generally Judge Judy says don't lend what you can't afford to lose and if it's to your kids, forget about it.

Having small children is expensive. I would want to help my children at that stage in their lives, and would give them the money if I possibly could.

Do you give him other help?