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Original poster

Sleepover - a bit shocked

273 replies

Platypusdiver · 18/06/2025 05:50

Dd is going to a friend's for a sleepover. Friend is a girl and both are 13. I get a whatsupp message this morning from the friend's mother. Addressed to me and the parents of two boys, telling us that she (mother) will sleep at her boyfriends to give the kids more room!

First, I didn't know there would be boys, which i am not over the moon about. That is on dd for not telling me. However, I am shocked that a parent of a 13 year old girl thinks an unsupervised sleepover with boys is a good idea (13 as well). (Also, it's at her place, if anything were to happen, it would ultimately be her responsibility.)

Obviously, I am going to say "no adult supervision, no sleepover". But I am also uneasy about it being mixed. Would it be okay? Dh thinks so long as the friend's mother is there it would be okay.

OP posts:
Almahart · 18/06/2025 09:09

I'm a pretty relaxed parent but this would be a hard no from me

Tessasanderson · 18/06/2025 09:10

Not a chance. Your DD didn't tell you the whole story so she hasnt earned the trust to act sensibly in this scenario. The friends mum has made contact with you which is good but she has made the decision to leave 13yr old girls in a house by themselves on a sleepover which is BAD. The fact that boys are involved too, nah not in a million years would i let a 13yr old girl have a sleepover regardless of wether this freinds mum is there or not.

This is part of parenting. Making decisions and making this friends mum understand what a fuckwit she is important. She needs to know that not only do you not agree with her choices in this instance, you expect her to never allow anything like this to involve your daughter. People like this have a tendency to inflict their poor life choices onto others without thinking.

saynotofondant · 18/06/2025 09:13

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 09:03

Yep, I’ll judge someone who seems very about an 8 year old wandering the neighbourhood alone but…. Yeah, I won’t actually do anything about it

Show quote history

We lived in Germany for a while and from the age of 6 kids walk themselves to school 🤷‍♀️ In villages and cities. Our friend’s daughter starts primary school (aged 6) this September and they’re planning to walk her for the first few days then she’s on her own. They live in a city. I’ve seen 8 year olds on trams traversing the city - usually with older siblings or friends though.

It made me realise I want something similar for my kids - ok, not at 6! - but to be allowed out by themselves for short trips. I want my son to be able to walk to the village sweet shop with his pocket money at 8 or so. The German kids seem more mature and capable than British kids their their own age and I think independence is part of it.

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13 year olds Families
Spinachpastapicker · 18/06/2025 09:19

LurkyMcLurkinson · 18/06/2025 07:57

“Thanks for letting me know. Dd didn’t mention it was a mixed sleepover though and I’m not confident she is mature enough to attend one. I’m also not confident enough she is mature enough to be left alone overnight so sadly dd isn’t going to be able to attend”.

I’d send the above. It’s polite enough not read as “what the fuck are you thinking?” but hopefully will give her pause for thought.

Edited

Don’t blame the DD - the mothers are the adults making the decisions, it’s up to them.

Dweetfidilove · 18/06/2025 09:20

Nah - my daughter wouldn't be going near there, and I'd be dealing with her ommission too. No-one is looking good here.

Justsomethoughts23 · 18/06/2025 09:21

ItsNotMeEither · 18/06/2025 06:32

Time for a text.

Hi xxx,

Thanks so much for you message about the sleepover plans. It’s given me a chance to think things over and I’ve realised that I’m not comfortable with mixed sleepovers at all.

DD values your daughter as a friend, so this one is totally on me.

Hopefully the girls can catch us some other time.

Thanks again XXX

As someone who survived having four kids who were teens at the same time, I was always happy to play the role of ‘my mum is a bitch’ when needed.

Personally, I don’t think you are being a bitch, I think you’re being a normal parent and this other woman is absolutely crazy. 13 year olds shouldn’t be left home alone overnight, she’s just found a good excuse to hang out with her boyfriend for the night.

Going forward, even if she tells you she will be home and supervising, I wouldn’t believe her anyway. My child would never be sleeping over there, I’d invite the girl to our place instead though.

Explain to your child why this is never happening and let her tell her friend how terrible you are. I told mine, if they were ever at a party or out somewhere and in an uncomfortable situation, find a way to blame me for them having to leave. They used this a few times when they needed to.

Parenting teens can be difficult, but it’s even more difficult when some people refuse to parent at all, because they’re ‘cool’.

Edited to add:My suggested text keeps it nice and tries not to judge the other mother. It allows the girls to remain friends and makes it seem less or you’re the overprotective one, when in reality, you just want to ask her if she’s fucking nuts.

Edited

This is a perfect response. No need to be aggro and make it difficult for DD.

Rememberwhatthedoorknobsaid · 18/06/2025 09:29

No and no. Double no.

languedoc1 · 18/06/2025 09:34

No, never. They know how babies are made, they are curious and still children.

Mumble12 · 18/06/2025 09:34

I'm probably the most laid back amongst DD13s friends parents. She is my third daughter, whereas most of the other children she is friends with are the oldest, which I think plays a part.

Anyway, this is so far past the point of OK, that I can't even believe its been mooted!

Icedcaramelfrappe · 18/06/2025 09:39

Nope mine would not be going to that even if she says she will stay there with the kids

NoSuchBass · 18/06/2025 09:42

FFS this is why I'm not doing sleepovers.

I think the mother is barking to think you'd all be chill with her leaving 4 x 13 year olds alone overnight.

And agree with PP that mixed sex sleepovers are probably better when it's a large group and everyone's a bit older and not so obsessed/curious about sex. I remember doing them a lot at 16/17 with a big group of friends and we all just dicked about. Most had bf/gfs outside of the group and we just messed about and nodded off.

At 13, I think they're all still far too curious and reckless with finding out about sex. Being left alone positively encourages them to crack on.

Nah.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 18/06/2025 09:43

Spinachpastapicker · 18/06/2025 09:19

Don’t blame the DD - the mothers are the adults making the decisions, it’s up to them.

Show quote history

I don’t see stating that a 13 year old isn’t mature enough for an unsupervised mix sex sleepover is blaming a child, it’s an observation on maturity for 13 year olds in general.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 18/06/2025 09:45

2025ismybestyear · 18/06/2025 07:58

Don't throw your child under the bus like this. She might have been wrong not to say there will be boys if she knew, but this is all on the mother.

Show quote history

I don’t see stating that a 13 year old isn’t mature enough for an unsupervised mix sex sleepover is blaming a child, it’s an observation on maturity for 13 year olds in general.

RealMintBird · 18/06/2025 10:07

@Platypusdiver i think you are under reacting!!! you need to report this woman to social srvices and inform school - leaving 13 year olds alone over night is not normal behaviour and shows she has a poor understanding of childrens needs.

Tiredandtiredagain · 18/06/2025 10:10

Spies · 18/06/2025 05:55

Anyone who thought it was ok to leave 4 13 year olds, regardless of whether they were male or female, alone overnight is not someone I would want supervising a sleepover.

Well the first post nailed it!!

Ormally · 18/06/2025 10:14

For a second or 2 I'm wondering if this message somehow originates from DD's friend masquerading as her mother, and the knowledge was always that it was an unsupervised sleepover and something the 2 or 4 teenagers have cooked up.

PopeJoan2 · 18/06/2025 10:15

This is all so dodgy. I don’t trust anyone involved - not the mum, her daughter or your dd.

RealMintBird · 18/06/2025 10:16

@Platypusdiver i would also be distancing from this friendship...if the woman has a "boyfriend" as well as poor boundaries then i would also be worried about what else my child would be exposed to. @saynotofondant i also lived in germany as a child for a few years and developing independence by being out and about by age 8 is was pretty normal in this country too in the 70's/80's during my childhood...we certainly have got very confused in this country about developing independence versus good parental boundaries!

Doorsways · 18/06/2025 10:17

Not normal.
That mother is one of those hands off anything goes.

In my experience their children attract friends who will like their free house and the opportunity that brings.

I wouldn't trust a word your daughter tells you and I wouldn't encourage the friendship.

IMO those children with light hand supervision often are badly let down by their parents.

Mischance · 18/06/2025 10:18

Just say No. Even if this mother decided to stay after your response it is clear she is not a responsible person.

You will not be flavour of the month with your DD - I have 3 now adult DDs and it simply goes with the territory that sometimes you are the pits in their eyes. But so be it.

This woman sounds nuts! Have you spoken to the other parents?

RoseBakery · 18/06/2025 10:18

Of course this isn't OK and of course you must say no to this sleepover and to any sleepover at this family's house, ever. Completely without judgement or sense of responsibility.

zingally · 18/06/2025 10:22

I went to plenty of mixed gender sleepovers between the ages of about 13 and 16. We moved in a big social circle and the boys were our mates.
Yes, there was sometimes a bit of kissing, and as we got closer to 16, a fair bit of drinking as well. But I swear on the bible, never anything more. Definitely no sex or drugs. We were all just middle-class kids from the local comprehensive.

This was in the late 90s/early 00s though... Maybe parents were more permissive back then. Mine certainly never blinked, and dropped me off/picked me up quite happily.

SnappyJadeJoker · 18/06/2025 10:32

As the parent of a 13 year old boy I would be concerned about the noise and mess rather than anything else if they were left unattended. There were 3 teenagers in my house last Friday evening 2 boys and a girl and I genuinely thought my ceilings were about to come down. Luckily my neighbour has teenagers of her own and isn't usually fussed about the noise but had I gone out for the night I reckon they would have been.

I'd have no objections at all to mixed sex sleepover as long as I knew there were responsibile adults and a working fire extinguisher nearby

sweetgingercat · 18/06/2025 10:34

One of the more challenging things about parenting is other kids' parents! There are some mad, permissive adults out there. With us it started when a friend bought fortnight and other unsuitable games for her kid to play at four. I had to stop mine going over for playdates. There was another who allowed their kid to watch Alien, aged about 7. Along the way there have been parties where tweens were 'permitted' to get drunk, mixed sleepovers where the parent left the house. I've said no to all of them. My kid doesn't need any unsuitable or additional complications, life is hard enough already. Just say no!

Lookuptotheskies · 18/06/2025 10:35

Even staying til 11 they'd all be alone in the house unsupervised. If mum is this lax she probably is also lax about age ratings/restrictions, booze, etc. These kind of parents don't safeguard their own kids, never mind yours.

I'd be blocking this kid's house off my child's social calendar tbh.

My nanna always had a house full of her kid's teenage friends and she said she didn't mind because she knew where they all were and they all knew what her rules were. You may want to consider playing host yourself often so you can supervise and call the shots eg who is invited, and what goes on.