Do you need "taking" to hospital appointments?

[Cliftrip]

Just a couple of things that have cropped up recently and a conversation with a friend.

A man at work "needs" time off to take his wife to a hospital appointment. I don't know what it's for and neither should I, perhaps it's something she needs emotional support with.

My parents are becoming a worry and probably should have support but wouldn't dream of letting me (or a DGS) take them to an appointment.

A friend's younger and fitter mother won't ever go to any medical appointment alone, so friend has to take her.

Another friend recently changed our plans to take her (married 30yo) son to an appointment about his severe toothache.

It's never occurred to me to ask anyone to come with me, last time I called 111 for advice they sent an ambulance and I got a taxi back from A&E in the early hours. I'm not saying that's the right thing BTW, I didn't want the fuss letting anyone know would have caused.

i rarely go to appointments alone I suffer with health anxiety and it means I struggle to take in information at appointments so I need a 2nd set of ears. I try and plan most around husbands day off or get another family to attend but husband has used annual leave to attend appointments with me.

You don't need to muse about this.

Its not a hard concept to understand.

The dynamics in every couple/ family are different. I prefer to go alone as I'm quite matter of fact and think there's no point two of us hanging around waiting. If I got bad news I'd rather digest it on my own first as someone else's shock or panic would seem like something else i had to deal with in the moment. I also drive and don't have mobility issues so there's no practical reason either. Also my dad would never have done this for my mum - he's quite self centred - but as a result "being accompanied" isn't my usual benchmark.

But other people might want a loved one with them for support and to help recall what was said (easy to forget). They might be worried about a diagnosis or generally nervous about hospitals or just prefer to have some company if possible. Then there's practical issues of transport, mobility etc.

Some people do it just because it's the done thing in their family. A bit like my friend whose husband always "takes" her to the airport even though it's a colossal faff with traffic, parking and getting someone to mind their kids. We have excellent public transport to the airport in our town but she was genuinely shocked when I suggested she could use that and go on her own as that's not how they do it and her own parents did it that way too.

It's fine!

Fine if you don't have any family, neighbours or friends but to expect a spouse to repeatedly ask for time off for hospital appointments is unreasonable. Save it for the big appointments the actual diagnosis but for ongoing treatment and follow up no-one should expect workplaces to accommodate that.

My dh comes with me to my eye appointments. He doesn’t come into the actual appointment but he is there to lend support as he knows I feel anxious . When he went to his appointments I went with him. We liked to support each other.

I don't need someone to take me to the hospital, but sometimes I need someone to take me home. Depending on what I'm there for.

She didn't just ask a question though!

The parking problem is a significant one for those of us dealing with NHS Fife.

Other than that, my husband or I used to take my parents to appointments because they were frail. Also, my mother developed dementia.

I then had to take Dh to appointments following his stroke. He could walk with a stick, but couldn't manage hospital corridors without a wheelchair.

There have been times that I could have done with having someone with me - after an exceptionally painful procedure, for example - but I don't have that option.

Similarly, I have to have a lump checked out in Edinburgh this week. I'd rather not be on my own, but I have no other option. To be honest, the only person I'd really want to be with me would be my late husband.

He used to volunteer to go to appointments with me, but I had to explain that I couldn't deal with hospital corridors etc and medical staff whilst also wheeling him about.

How does this affect you? Are you having to do his job and yours? Or are you just a nosy cow and want to know the ins and outs?

severe tootache can be quite deibilitating, making it difficult to drive or he may end up needing anaesthetic so took someone with him so he didn't have to refuse an appointment.

but generally, medical stuff can make people anxious and they need some emotional reassurance.

It's a puzzle, isn't it?

Unless you are married to the person in question it is none of your business! Who the hell are you to dictate to someone who they can take along and when their partner can take time off work? That’s for the ill person and their partner to work out.

I go alone, but I am absolutely awful at advocating for myself. Today I went to physio and walked out in tears as my body moves more than it should and i will just comply.

i did also get DH to book my appointment as I couldn’t do it over the internet and again I struggle to advocate for myself and get very anxious.

he will need to take me to some appointments due to distance and driving.

DH goes to most appointments alone, I did go with him when he was seeing someone for a very serious diagnosis. I wouldn’t go for routine.

I'm lucky I haven't had many such appointments but I've always gone alone, not least because I don't have anyone to ask who wouldn't make the experience ten times worse. I'm the plus one for family members and their appointments though. I wouldn't begrudge anyone a bit of support - hospitals aren't particularly fun and parking is always hellish.

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Generally no in my case but very occasionally I do.

I have problems with my eyes and have had to have operations/tests which have made me effectively blind for a period of time, to the extent that I wouldn’t be able to navigate myself from the bit of the hospital I’m in to the place where I’d meet the taxi, so DH has had to come with me and as he doesn’t drive we’ve got a taxi home together.

This is why I'm glad new laws are coming in to protect unpaid carers.

I need my husband to take me to every appointment. Would it be better if he quit work and claimed full benefits instead?

Last week, DD who’s 24 weeks pregnant had to go to the pregnancy urgent care to get checked. Her DH had to stay to look after their 2 year old, so she asked if we could take her in at about 7.45 in the evening. We took her in & stayed with her - never considered saying no. The initial issue was checked & ok, but they had other concerns, so had to do further tests & there was a long delay before they could find a doctor. It was now 11.30 and DD was trying to persuade us to go home and leave her to get a taxi/uber home, but I certainly wouldn’t have left her on her own at that time of night, and probably not at any other time.

Sometimes I'm well enough to take myself, sometimes I'm not. You're not a better person because you choose to do things alone.

Usually I just go alone to my appointments, that includes the series of appointments I had to investigate breast cancer. However, I have had to ask DH to come with me for my recent appointments with an eye specialist for 2 reasons. Firstly when I come out I can't see so need to hold someone's arm (so I can't even get a taxi for a few hours), secondly I can't understand the doctor very well (just due to accent and complexity of the problem with my eye. So I have asked DH to come to help me on both those things.

Doesn’t sound like you’re musing differences though, you just sound like you’re having a bit of a pop at people/your colleague who might like support at hospital appointments. Nobody needs to be a hero, do they?

Sometimes they don’t want you to drive yourself so yes sometimes people do need to be escorted

Yes I was serious based on the rate in this post. Not saying some people can't take a bus, but am surprised at the rate here.

I have quite a few friends who cannot go to any appointment alone. I’ve had to go to hospital appointments alone since I was a teenager but I did take my late DM to all of hers. I live alone and am now struggling - I don’t like to ask my adult children as they’re busy but they’re also quite arsey about being asked. Four times I have had procedures and told the staff that my son/daughter is in the car outside so staff then say I can go and I get the bus home. Just the way it is.

I feel the word ‘taking’ is ambiguous.

Taking someone to an appointment can mean different things -

• driving them and dropping them off
• driving them, going in but waiting in the waiting room
• accompanying them (whether transport involved or not) and actually going into the appointment as a support person

But all of the above provide support whether practical or emotional (or both). Some people want/need it and some don’t.