Do you need "taking" to hospital appointments?

[Cliftrip]

Just a couple of things that have cropped up recently and a conversation with a friend.

A man at work "needs" time off to take his wife to a hospital appointment. I don't know what it's for and neither should I, perhaps it's something she needs emotional support with.

My parents are becoming a worry and probably should have support but wouldn't dream of letting me (or a DGS) take them to an appointment.

A friend's younger and fitter mother won't ever go to any medical appointment alone, so friend has to take her.

Another friend recently changed our plans to take her (married 30yo) son to an appointment about his severe toothache.

It's never occurred to me to ask anyone to come with me, last time I called 111 for advice they sent an ambulance and I got a taxi back from A&E in the early hours. I'm not saying that's the right thing BTW, I didn't want the fuss letting anyone know would have caused.

Two practical reasons why people may need taking to hospital appointments:

(1) the parking is rubbish so they need dropping off and the driver goes off somewhere else and then comes back to collect them

(2) they are attending an eye appointment - they always say "don't drive" and then never put anything in my DH's eyes so he could have driven himself in the first place - but see (1) above.

In a couple of weeks I am taking my mum to an appointment for reason one. And because she doesn't want to keep asking the neighbours.

Often the appointments fall within my non-working time but for my mum I'll need to take a couple of days off as she doesn't live locally.

Also sedative/anaesthetic and you can't drive yourself.

Well I am taking leave to take my mum to an appointment and actually next time I take DH I am taking leave as well as it just makes life easier for the day. He is doing the same as I also happen to have an appointment the same day.

But people shouldn't have to take annual leave for a one-off, it should be accommodated. In fact you'll gasp but some employers are sensible enough to offer carers' leave of x days a year. And it's not just for kids, it can be used for friends, neighbours, relatives who need you to do something for you.

Each and every one of DH's follow up appointments were progressively worse news. You must know that some cancer journeys are short and very very aggressive and sometimes the right person to be there at every appointment is the spouse who is going to be there at the very end too. Friends and family can disappear into the ether when the going gets really tough (and they did), I didn't. I needed to be at those appointments to ask the questions, to hear the answers and, most importantly, to make sure his voice was heard too. When you are quite literally sick and tired you are not always your own best advocate.

Depends entirely on the hospital appointment.

Appointment where one possible outcome is the big C or something equally distressing? Take someone with you. If the worst happens you won’t remember anything they tell you afterwards.

Likewise any procedure where you have general anaesthetic or a sedative. I get very dopey on sedatives. I can get a taxi but they won’t usually discharge you unless an adult receives you.

And sometimes I need someone just because I’m not being listened to and I want someone helping me explain the issue

Its really none of your business and plenty of people may or may not need taking to or accompanying to hospital appointments for so many reasons.
Here are just some potentials: patient may not be able to drive after appointment and could be too woozy to "just get a taxi", could be a fertility appointment after a tragic loss, could be an antenatal appointment and usually partners want to be at certain scans, could be a termination, could be a minor op, could be fucking terminal cancer.
Acting all high and mighty oh I dont cause a fuss me comes across as a humble brag of the highest order with zero empathy for other people's circumstances.

I've always gone by myself, but I've been lucky enough never to have any major health problems. I might think differently if I was afraid of getting very bad news, so I wouldn't judge anyone for that.

My dad is also mostly healthy, but getting older and seeing doctors more often. He wouldn't want me to go with him, but we usually sit together beforehand to write a list of questions he needs to remember to ask, or things to mention.

Variations in personality and needs can make a wide spectrum of behaviours reasonable in this situation! It's very individual.

A relative works at a GP surgery and says lots of men in their 30s & 40s even come in with their mother, who then does most of the talking. It's not men who need help before all the comments pour in.

Just so wrong.

I'm 40 and still get mum to make some appointments for me 😂
She occasionally comes to hospital stuff with me but its more of an anxiety thing for me around not knowing what to do or where to go exactly. Generally once i've done something once i'm fine with it.

Looks like the Op has shuffled off.

Perhaps she’s shuffling her way to a hospital appointment. On. Her. Own

I take DH and he takes me as our local hospitals are awful for parking so you drop them off and then wait.
But I also go with my mum as she has cancer and it's a lot to remember, she needs a second pair of ears to listen and ask questions

God I hate colleagues like you! Judging someone and believing you are better than them because you used an ambulance! The irony. You have no idea why the colleagues wife needed him and it's nothing to do with you. Maybe try having a bit of basic humanity? I recently had a day procedure where I couldn't leave unless someone came to pick me up - it's very common!!

but surely they have leave to take? Even if they take carer's leave to do it why not?

Carers leave? Isn't that usually reserved for ill dc? Or, I don't know for carers who care for disabled relatives ,not spouses wanting a day off to take their spouse to an opa?

It depends what you mean by 'need'. My husband takes me to all my hospital appointments but I don't need him to. I could drive myself if I felt well enough or I could get a taxi. However for some I would like his support, although I don't 'need' it.
My husband likes me to be there for his appointments, but he doesn't need me. However when we met he had a phobia of going to the dentist and some pretty serious dental problems. There was no way he was able to go into the dental surgery on his own so I didn't just take him - I had to go in with him and hold his hand. He is fine now and can go on his own, but he couldn't do that before.

So - some people do need somebody with them at appointments. Some need the support. Some need somebody to help them understand what the doctor is saying or to explain symptoms to the doctor for them. Some just need transport - perhaps they can't drive, there is no public transport and they can't afford a taxi.

There are all sorts of reasons why people need or want support. Everyone is different.

I don’t think this is the situation that OP is referring to in their post.

A man at work "needs" time off to take his wife to a hospital appointment. I don't know what it's for and neither should I, perhaps it's something she needs emotional support with.

You don't know what it's for. Some hospital appointments you have to have someone there, or someone to collect you at the very least, depending on what it's for. And as you say, it could be something she needs emotional support with so I don't know what the point of your post is.

My parents are becoming a worry and probably should have support but wouldn't dream of letting me (or a DGS) take them to an appointment

At some point soon they might realize they do need help going to the appointment and then you'll be like your colleague "needing" time off to take someone else to hospital.

A friend's younger and fitter mother won't ever go to any medical appointment alone, so friend has to take her

You don't know what the reason for this is. Some people get overwhelmed or are afraid.

Another friend recently changed our plans to take her (married 30yo) son to an appointment about his severe toothache

Might have been in too much pain to drive himself there or might be a dental phobic and really can't manage to go without someone with him. There are plenty of people like that.

I think your post was quite nasty and shows a lack of empathy for others. Be glad you don't need to have someone else take you to medical appointments.

I don’t understand the point of this thread? A bit weird if you ask me . I’m not sure youd like to visit the oncologist alone if you had cancer? Or go alone to a ct scan to see if your chemotherapy has worked. No I think not.

Yes, I have always gone to medical appointments on my own but I had to have cataracts removed under general anaesthetic and they said I had to have an adult to collect me, take me home and stay with me for several hours. They told me at the pre-op appointment that I would have to provide the details of the person on check in or I couldn't have the operation and that I would not be discharged until the person arrived to collect me.
There were a couple of women there who had no one at all to collect them and they were collected and cared for by Red Cross volunteers.

Twice in the past two years I have needed to go to hospital - for cataract operations. I could have driven there, but driving back was obviously out of the question and public transport for the journey is generally complex and time-consuming and often non-existing. I needed someone to take me, and bring me back! Thank you DH.

As pps have said, everybody's different. I handle my GP appointments alone, but have had a whole shedload of hospital things which would have been difficult or even impossible if my DH hadn't been there - eg, the colonoscopies that required sedation (our local trust won't let you out of the department on your own and they want eyeballs on whoever's going to be with you for 24 hours afterwards.) Then there are eye-drops, post surgery/general anaesthetic requirements, and various tests which involve having to put a robe on and leave your belongings somewhere. I've had a ton of procedures and appointments which were vastly facilitated by taking my DH along and I've helped him with a few things too, in particular, trips to and from his radiotherapy appointments when he was having cancer treatment. He's not a particularly fragile character, but with cancer, you don't have to be. It's scary and the treatment is onerous and exhausting.

Having said that, when covid came upon us, we had to manage with a lot less practical and emotional support or it had to come from elsewhere. In 2022, I had an outpatient's procedure for a biopsy. I had to take a covid test, isolate for a week, and go for the biopsy, but not by public transport and we don't have a car. I booked public transport on that occasion, leaving DH to WFH. Everything went very smoothly, but only because there were other sources of help. As I said, we are all different, but for me, a major health issue is something to be got through, not an opportunity for me to prove how tough I am.

My husband always came with me to any appointments because I have health anxiety and he was good at talking me down I lost him suddenly 2 years ago so now my mum comes with me or my stepdad if my mum can't get time off
I did recently brave one on my own

Never used to but now I’m physically disabled so he has to and tbh I hate relying on him for that.

I've mostly gone on my own, including most antenatal appointments and pre-op appointments. DH has come to scan appointments, but mainly for the fun of seeing the images (except the one that showed severe abnormalities, that wasn't fun but I didn't cry and would have been fine without DH). I travelled alone for my elcs op (DH was dropping dc1 at nursery and arrived later). I've had lots of cmht appointments and would be horrified at the idea of anyone coming with me to those (too personal). I went to a tfmr appointment alone although the dr insisted that DH collected me following sedation (awkward timing as DH had to collect dc1 from nursery). I was fine emotionally and after the sedation and would have been fine on my own though. DH went to his vasectomy appointment on his own. Had to get my adult son to accompany me to wisdom tooth extraction due to sedation although I felt fine.

OP does not know why the Wife needs the Husband to take her, so how can you say that? She also asked a question, which I am giving my opinion on, thanks!

I took carer’s leave for a couple of days after my late husband had a cancer removed from his face. He needed care. I really do not get the judgmental attitude on here. People get dreadful and unexpected news, are given treatments that mean they need someone with them…..as has been said, parking can be nightmarish. There are all kinds of reasons why a spouse/partner etcetera might need someone with them but the attitude on here is that they are weaklings or the partner taking leave is going on a jolly.