Do you need "taking" to hospital appointments?

[Cliftrip]

Just a couple of things that have cropped up recently and a conversation with a friend.

A man at work "needs" time off to take his wife to a hospital appointment. I don't know what it's for and neither should I, perhaps it's something she needs emotional support with.

My parents are becoming a worry and probably should have support but wouldn't dream of letting me (or a DGS) take them to an appointment.

A friend's younger and fitter mother won't ever go to any medical appointment alone, so friend has to take her.

Another friend recently changed our plans to take her (married 30yo) son to an appointment about his severe toothache.

It's never occurred to me to ask anyone to come with me, last time I called 111 for advice they sent an ambulance and I got a taxi back from A&E in the early hours. I'm not saying that's the right thing BTW, I didn't want the fuss letting anyone know would have caused.

I have to be taken for various reasons:

• I can’t drive at the moment (post-surgery) and if I went on public transport I would need most of the day off of work in order to get there on time and back again.
• Even when I can drive, parking is notoriously awful at most hospitals so I need to be dropped off or leave an hour early in order to ensure that a space can be found (I also can’t always walk very far especially if I am fasting before an MRI.)
• Oncologist always suggests bringing DH. He and some other HCPs I have seen prefer it/advise it. Personally it has proved really useful as DH often asks questions I would never have thought of.
• If you end up needing to stay etc. then it is really useful to have someone who can go and top up the parking or bring food or help with anything else practical.
• Emotional support when receiving bad news.
• Another person to listen and remember / understand what was said.
• Comfort / support when having painful exams. / treatments.

Essentially since first cancer diagnosis I almost always need DH to come too unless it’s a blood or urine or poo test or something totally unrelated like sports’ injury.

Also seen many people having family or a friend come to translate as even if you speak an AL well, you might not understand medical language or be in the right frame of mind for a language lesson!

Same with both of my parents. My dad received his diagnosis alone as he “didn’t want any fuss” but my mum accompanied him to every other appointment thereafter.

I went with my mum for her scan results as she was terrified of what she might be told (also cancer), and took her to every appointment after that. For her, she needed somebody else to listen to what she was being told as it was obviously all very upsetting & she couldn’t necessarily take everything in herself.

Personally, I go to hospital appointments alone but I’m not in the same situation.

After some of the digusting behaviour and discrimination I have experienced I wish I had someone to “take me” to act as a witness and advocate. I have considered recording appointments.

I actually once looking into seeing if I could pay someone but it seems only done by charities etc for people with disabilities rather than people who are not but still need an advocate as they have no one else.

Medical advocacy. There’s a business idea.

For some apts (cancer is one) they suggest you bring an advocate to support you and for another person to take notes.

I have a hospital apt in a few weeks with neurology and I’m going alone.

So it really depends on why and your works policy. Some employers make you take it as AL and some allow it as supporting a dependent.

I always take my mum to her appointments as the disabled parking at the hospital is attrocious and still too far away for her to walk from. so i drop her at the front and then go park up. she also has bad enxiety and directional sense due to the same brain injury that cuased the mobility issues. I also keep track of the rest of her stuff also, though shes capable of everyday life usually pretty fine.

She also comes to mine, as she can keep a level head for me when im getting results and having to make changes to manage my conditions which send my anxiety into overdrive.

It works both ways.

Honestly OP, you do sound like you are begrudging the poor guy a day off to take his wife to an appointment. If he hadn't had mentioned that it was for an hospital appointment would you still have begrudged it?

Or is it a general thing that you dont like your colleagues taking time off?

It totally depends on what for.
I took my adult DD to A&E when she was too ill to get there herself but didn't seem something that required an ambulance.
I have taken my parents to appointments (Mum doesn't drive) where there was some reason my Dad couldn't drive back - eye op, other tests where it was not recommended to drive etc,
Most appointments for myself I would go alone, but DH did come with me for one that was on a Saturday. I went alone to a breast clinic when Dr sent me after finding a lump, but if they had found anything that needed testing I think I might have asked someone to come with me if there was potential bad news involved.
Some people may just be too nervous to go alone for any kind of appointment and some may just want the company.

I always go alone but do tend to often feel like the only one with no one else there!

I'm the opposite, have had 8 ops in past two years for cancer/suspected cancer and multiple spots with Drs/nurses. DH always volunteers to come but I say no and even get a bit cross they make me be picked up after surgery as I'm always fine (but understand their rules).

It was good to have him at a recent gynae though as he remembered things and asked questions I wouldn't have thought of.

I'm a callous so and so who didn't grieve or take time off for many miscarriages either, so realise I'm not the norm.

I also feel bad for my colleagues who are continually having to adjust to my various maladies and think there's absolutely no way both workplaces should, it's bad though one having to.

The OP said the man "needs" time off to attend with his wife. In quotation marks. Sounds very sarcastic, as if he doesn't actually need to be there. And in the same thread said her husband had to receive bad news alone, yet couldn't see why anyone would need to be there. It's not harsh, the OP is being judgemental. It's all very "my family and I are so independent I can't possibly imagine why anyone would need or want to attend the appointment with me/us."

Edited as accidentally posted 3 times it seems..

Edited as accidentally posted 3 times it seems.

Depends on the appointment. My husband got bad news at his last appointment which we had thought was a routine assessment. I will move heaven and earth to be with him next time, to support him and to ask all the questions about surgery and treatment that he was too overwhelmed to ask.

For therapy yes which I had 2 years worth of at an NHS hospital and sometimes for seeing my psychiatrist. I found it exceedingly difficult and was at points actively suicidal after appointments.

Dh also came to my pregnancy scans but that was his choice rather than me needing him to come.

this.

I do becayse it's impossible to get parked so dh drops me off and goes for a coffee

Exactly same here, you'd drive round for ages finding a space, people regularly miss appointments if they're not in the know. There are no buses through this village and would be hugely expensive for a taxi both ways. I expect a lot of people are in the same position. So to get dropped off and collected takes a lot of stress out of a hosp appointment.

When my dad got diagnosed with terminal cancer, he sat in the hospital for a few hours because he couldn’t bear to ring mum. I live far from her or I’d take her to hospital appointments, I think it’s nice to have someone to talk to at least!!!

God, some people seem to take more than one person with them. I was in a rammed waiting room and someone had 3 family members with them. Just wait outside!

I've had a serious diagnosis and treatment. If my dh was off he'd come with me if not no there's no way I'd expect him to take a day off. Elderly and frail people may need support the rest of us should able to manage or just take someone with who is off work if unable/unwilling to go alone.

I understand you musing on it, OP. I’ve never begrudged anyone wanting a companion but I’d never felt the need and wasn’t sure I ever would. I preferred to go alone. To me, another person was just someone else to think about when I want to be able to focus on me.

Then I got cancer and had chemo. Was not fit to drive home from treatment. I could have got a taxi but was groggy and vulnerable and really appreciated having my DH pick me up. He came along to the first appointment and sat with me (2+ hrs of intravenous drips) but I realised I preferred to be on my own for that bit, so after that he just came and picked me up. But it made a huge difference knowing he’d be there and then having him take care of me when we got home.

While I didn’t want it myself, I came to appreciate why some people wanted someone to sit with them. And, should my cancer return or I end up with another condition and find myself unlikely to survive, I could see that I might want someone around more.

I’m generally very self sufficient, but the cancer treatment was overwhelming in some ways. For me, I discovered it’s very different finding myself more vulnerable and thinking about mortality, than all the other medical appointments I’ve had for illnesses and accidents, infertility and then (fortunately) pregnancy. I needed to know there was someone who cared enough to step in. I hadn’t needed that before.

My DH also needed to be able to show how much he cared. Being able to pick me up was a way he could support me that helped him feel useful and not totally out of control. It was a scary time and actions, even ritualistic or symbolic ones, were important.

If DH told me he needed support then I went with him. Sometimes I went even if he didn't ask. Stage 4 cancer is an absolute arse and sometimes even the most stoic person needs a friendly shoulder for support.

My husband has been to appointments with me sometimes, it depends what it is for. Medically I've had a pretty rough time and had some really sketchy episodes where I almost died. I have a bit of medical trauma off the back of some of the things that having happened and having dh there helps sometimes. Following my latest near death experience dh has been to about 4 appointments with me lately. He can get the time off work and wants to support me, he's seen how rough this whole thing has been on me. I don't see anything wrong with needing support sometimes.

Yes but we all have family and friends, there is no need for one person to take a day off work to accompany someone else to their outpatient's appointment.

It depends. Generally I go on my own but for a while a couple of years ago I was too ill to travel alone for a period of about ten months, with regular appointments. I looked fine if you saw me but I was medically unfit to drive. If you don’t know why, you can’t judge.

I physically need taking... ambulance aren't just transport services people can just hop in to not bother their family.

Also sometime you literally need someone there, if you have had anything with sedation or medication that effects logical thought they literally cannot let you leave (so you take up a bed and nurses time) without a suitable escort (this can be quite common for some dental procedures + often anything invasive like camera tests or mild 'waking' surgeries etc...).

You can be a much bigger burden to the NHS by not just getting your own lift their and taking someone as a carer.

Some appointments require that you are accompanied/ collected because of sedation, so that’s also a factor. When that’s been the case my partner has come with me rather than just collected, because times can vary wildly, and it’s often easier if he’s’ ‘in house’ to contact.

'He can get the time off work and wants to support me, he's seen how rough this whole thing has been on me. I don't see anything wrong with needing support sometimes'

Don't you have siblings, friends, parents? I agree it is nice to have company for an opa but not that someone has to take time off work to do so.