I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

[DancingDucks]

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

His behaviour is very strange, it definitely calls in to question what’s going on behind the scenes. I’d be very suspicious of him now.

Also, the ideal situation here is you talk to someone reasonable about what’s going on that might embarrass him in to rediscovering some sense. If you told someone “we’re not talking at the moment because I didn’t want to socialise with the other woman of my close friend’s ex partner and so dickhead (assuming that’s your husband’s name) went alone and text me saying how delightful the new woman is” any rational human would be horrified and call dickhead out on it.

Well, I agree. Though I really don't know what to make of it. If he fancies this new woman and is hoping to screw over his best mate as well as his wife.

I'm also kind of weirded out by my own feelings about this. If you had asked me a month ago how I would feel if my marriage was hanging by a thread I would have said absolutely devastated. But I'm not, I'm just angry.

I doubt he’s planning to run off with her, but I think it’s more likely he’s decided cheating isn’t a deal breaker and / or is jealous his mate has got a new girlfriend. Hes getting ideas himself. He’s forgotten how important marriage is, and it sounds like you might be coming to the same conclusion.

Sorry to hear things got much worse, OP. Again I think it comes back to misogyny as I’ve said upthread. He is trying to show his friend he has you under control and can bring you to heel so to speak.

I can’t remember if it’s been mentioned but is this new woman much younger than your husbands friend? Maybe his mate gets to order the new woman around and he’s jealous and wants that for himself.

His manner of speaking to you is disgusting “grow up and get your ass here” honestly even if I wanted to attend a social event, my partner speaking to me like that would put me off if anything and I’d not go out of principle.
I mean yikes! Who does he think he’s talking to?!

There’s a bit of DARVO here, he’s mistreating you and acting like the victim at the same time. Just stay cool and each time he tries to guilt trip you turn it back on him.

Call out his behaviour and say how disappointed you are in him for putting his friend over you and for not having the morals that you thought he had. If he pushes it further maybe even say you think he should end the friendship as his friend appears to be a terrible influence. He won’t, of course, but it’ll put him on the back foot if you go in with that.

As right now, he’s acting like you’re the one who needs to defend your decision which is bonkers.

Well done for standing your ground though! I’ve been on MN long enough to know that many women would’ve caved.

Good for you OP, there needs to be more friends like you in this world ❤️

Quite.

As a friend of mine used to say, "Blessed is he who expects nothing for he shall not be disappointed."

Well done OP - you have integrity in spades. Your H is an idiot.

Your DH is being a twat. How can he issue dictats like he owns you?
How can he defend his friends appalling behaviour?
Why can't he get it in his head that for now, he supports his friend and you support yours?
He sounds like an immature prick.
Like others, I feel there's something else going on here. You are going to have to try to talk to him

I wonder what’s going on here. I’d ask him is your friend blackmailing you here, is that what’s going on? Did you cover for his cheating and he is going to tell me? Or did he cover for you cheating too and that’s what he could tell me? I can’t think of any other reason here. I will never ever go anywhere because a man tells me to get my ass there, which you should realise.

This. A lot of men think the grass is greener and will blow up their lives before realising it’s not for the most part.

He has no more right to say your loyalty should be to him so you should forget any loyalty to your friend, than you would have to say his loyalty should be to you so he should forget any loyalty to his friend.

Ask him what the difference is. (In fact the only difference is that his friend has behaved appallingly and yours hasn’t. The fact that he tacitly admits this makes his attitude even worse.) If he won’t listen, write the question down and leave it somewhere he will see it.

Unfortunately his attitude makes it seem that on some level, perhaps unconsciously, he is envious of his friend. Or might he have a guilty secret making him so defensive / unnaturally aggressive?

Luckily OP, unlike some people, has integrity.

I’m amazed that he’s doing this. Well, I mean, I’m not, I don’t know him but it sounds like the OP is extremely taken aback by her DH’s actions. It seems he has very easily accepted the new situation and has forgotten decades of friendship with his mate’s ex. I can understand being prepared to meet a mate’s new gf, but no way should be try to force you to toe his party line and now be giving you the silent treatment because you won’t do what the big man says 🤬

Well this is all bloody weird isn't it?! Talk about coercive abuse! I'm so sorry that you're going through this; what a shock for you to find out that your 'd'H expects you to do his bidding, when he sees fit!

Have you seen anything of your friend Does she know what's been going on re; all this?

Spoiler ahead: It's the husband who's ruining the relationship. Also friendships aren't transactional. Hope that helps.

I have noticed a pattern over the years where by one marriage ends and suddenly several more within that social circle will end too. I am thinking of one instance in particular where the woman left her arsehole/borderline abusive husband and within a few month two of the other women had done the same. Its almost like the first one to do it gave the others "permission" to end their bad marriages too.

I wonder if there is something like that happening here. Best mate finds "delightful" new GF and appears to have a nice new life and husband wants a bit of that for himself. Handily his wife wont fall into line and he has the perfect excuse to justify doing exactly what best friend has done and can create a new cosy foursome to replace the old one.

I would be keeping a close eye on this for sure.

No consolation I know but I loved your reply of Ditto Op.I understand your anger, after years of marriage he's treating you like a naughty child, I'd be furious in your place but his reaction seems extreme.
This feels like the Script @DancingDucks , the bad temper, suddenly making out you're unreasonable and disloyal, he's trying very hard to make you the bad one. Sadly I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves, he's showing all the signs of a man who wants out

Good for you OP. My friend was terribly hurt when the friendship group accepted her DH and his new bit and dropped her. Ultimately they got back together again, but it was really hard for her for a while.

You DH is behaving like a total prick. he can't make you go any more than you can stop him going. You are supporting your friend, he is supporting his friend.

Be on your guard and don't accept any shit from your husband, he cannot control what you do, he cannot make you betray a long standing friend.

You could lose your marriage over this, but only due to his behaviour not yours.

All he needed to say to his friend was "understandably, DW's loyalty to her friend means that she won't be joining us".....

Well-done for standing your ground OP.

I find his lack of understanding (of your feelings and position) very odd. His demands suggest that to him you are simply a limb of his rather than a person in your own right.

He is thoroughly endorsing cheating in a way that is disturbing too.

I'm sorry that the destruction of your friend's marriage has led to this revelation about your DH.

Hang on to that anger!

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

DH is really not wanting to understand you. I’d ask him for a chat at a later time, without your kids around, to discuss this as you are considering changing your view.

During the chat If have a list of questions written down and a pen. I’d say if we went to dinner as a four-some could I ask this nice, new woman “How many married men have you slept with?”, “When you starting sleeping with your current partner did you start a savings fund for his kids future therapy costs?”, “Do you think you’ll be a stepmom to his kids in future?” “Would you consider upgrading for a younger, hotter man with less kids?”, “If you do family things together do you think any wife will truely trust you?”. Have questions for your friends ex-husband too. Calmly read them off and cross off what he says you cannot say.

Perhaps that will illuminate him.

I’d also ask you husband… if I were to cheat on you & leave you for the new man…. Would it be okay if I forced our kids to go to dinner and get to know the new man?

My friend would absolutely support me the same way and has propped me up many times over the years in the most marvellous way, including bereavement and cancer. I would never let her down. She was so devastated and what her ex DH did and how he did it and it was heartbreaking to see her like that. DH says that's I'm letting him down, but I feel it's the other way around.

Her ex's new woman is 15 years younger and I daresay PPs are right in saying that my DH probably feels a bit jealous. If his mate can get himself a younger woman, maybe he can too. I'm not sure I really care right now.

We have two adult children and he actually told DD last night what's been going on, thinking that she would side with him and I'm so furious at him even trying to involve her. He was shocked to hear her say that he was completely wrong. I can barely look at him and I don't know how to move forward.

To say you're letting him down is an absolute joke !! So proud of you for standing your ground. You are 100% right to do so. And well done your daughter for putting him in his place. He's shown a nasty streak OP, and it'll be hard to overcome.
Maybe think about getting ducks in a row, just in case.

Do you know, after a year, I can ALMOST see where he's coming from. I can imagine that it is embarassing that his wife refuses to meet his BFF's partner.

BUT, what I can't understand is the aggressive approach. I mean, you do in fact have automony to say who you want to spend time with and even if he thinks you're 100% wrong, surely any normal partner would accept that or would be annoyed and perhaps question the relationship but to try to press gang you into it? That's just so weird.

I refuse to engage with exBIL in any way whatsoever. Dh thinks I'm a bit too dogmatic about this and it irritates him becuase from his perspective, it makes things harder for our relationship with SIL. But he's not trying to FORCE me to do it. He can disagree with me and respect my position all at the same time.