I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

[DancingDucks]

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

YANBU, It's natural to not want to associate with human scum, and no decent man would try to force you to.

I say this as the child of a mistress.

What?

Stand your ground. We had a similar situation here but friendship with other couple was 15 years. DH completely understood my point of view and sees a lot less of the man himself. I said I would prefer he didn’t come in our house (‘Steve’ invites himself around every so often!) and DH agreed. I also said I would say hello if I saw him but that was it. He has been in our driveway once or twice but no further. His ex wife has moved away.

For what it’s worth Steve went from a doting father to his two daughters to a serial cheater. It’s been five years since his divorce and he is now bankrupt (buying dinner and presents for very young women he met through Bumble). One daughter doesn’t speak to him. She asked him to stop dating women who were only 2 years older than her and he didn’t. Also, a warning, Steve did say things to my DH along the lines of Ivanka has a friend who would love to meet a man and has asked me to introduce you, nudge nudge. To think he used to be my friend! Asshole. Luckily my DH is a decent man and is fully aware I will not tolerate any crap. Steve is like a completely different person now.

That was long. Stand your ground and if and when he meets up with this man and his new woman do keep an eye out.

Absolutely no way!!! If this happened to my friend of 30 years I would never socialise with the other women, she would be beyond devastated if I did - it would be a massive betrayal. I don’t think men always get it but female friendships are sacred and there are rules about loyalty. It’s like you asking him to socialise with your new bloke if you dumped him! That level of not okay.

Also ‘expects’ can fuck off!!

Also, asking you to ‘support him in this’ / ‘be loyal’… please. What hardship exactly is he suffering to need your support? Your friend is the one going through something difficult who needs your support and loyalty!

That's the thing about having expectations, they often lead to disappointment. YANBU! If he can't respect your decision then he'll have to 'get over it'.

This with knobs on

Well if that wasn't ridiculous in itself, one could argue that his loyalty should be to you, so... 🤷‍♀️

What a fucking stupid thing to say though! You aren't being disloyal to him by not going on a double date. You are not stopping him from seeing his friend by not going.

He “expects”?! Cheeky fuckery. I wouldn’t do it. YANBU

Quoted to the wrong thread. Sorry

Get over it life's to short.
Would this person support you in the same way and ruin their relationship if this was the other way round.

Any update @DancingDucks

Did your husband keep insisting you entertain his mate and this new woman - or did he grow a spine and just tell his friend you wouldn’t be attending?

I might just say yes and go along to tell the cheating husband and his mistress what I thought of both of them. And I would tell my husband that is what he should expect.

Would you do this?

Sounds like unnecessary drama. You don’t know how the new woman is like, she might be aggressive or extremely mouthy for all OP knows. Not worth it. Just steer clear of them is better.

Sorry, I should’ve been clearer. I would tell my husband that if he ‘expects’ me to have dinner with his friend and new lady, then he can also ‘expect’ me to tell them both how I feel about then.

Hi all, sorry, I did mean to update it's just all been a bit shit.

DH appears to have turned into someone I don't recognise at all over the last couple of weeks. He booked a table for the 4 of us for Saturday just gone and again told me that I 'needed to grow up and get your arse there'. I didn't go, I told him I wasn't going and I really think he thought I'd back down. He went on his own in the end and texted me, obviously after he had a few drinks, to tell how let down and embarrassed he was by me and that the other woman is 'delightful'. I replied 'ditto' and we haven't spoken since.

It's astonishing to me that he appears to be dead set on letting this tear us apart, all the while blaming me. It's snowballed into something much bigger than it was and I really don't know how this is going to pan out.

Text him this:

It's astonishing to me that you appear to be dead set on letting this tear us apart, all the while blaming me for it. At the moment it seems like your loyalty to your friend is greater than your loyalty to your wife, and you seem pretty enamoured of his cheating behaviour which makes me wonder whether this is all a ploy for you to go and do the same thing. If it is, just grow some balls and end things rather than blaming me for still having a moral compass.

Gaslighting at its finest.... I feel for you OP, he's behaving very badly. There's definitely something else going on here. There's something deeper. You'll only find out what that is by forcing him to talk to you. As you say, he's willing to let his cheating friend come between you. You need to get to the bottom of it, but I fear this isn't going to go well.

So sorry he is treating you like this.

So he can support his friend but you can’t. He’s turned (?) into a domineering authoritarian figure out of the blue? Or does he show up like this in other areas- happy and great as long as everyone is doing what he wants?

Stay firm OP. Which it sounds like you are.

It’s not just your husband’s total lack of ethical empathy here. It’s the repulsive way he thinks you should obey him.

I’m flabbergasted by his behaviour. If I were you, I would be sharing his behaviour and his viewpoint with family and other mutual friends, so that others can give their viewpoint to him on how disgusting and shameful his behaviour is. Maybe others will be successful in making him realise he should be ashamed of himself. If he thinks his behaviour is totally normal, then he should have no problem with you telling everyone else where his moral compass lies.

Delightful, is she? Sorry op, but there's more going on with this.

So sorry you're going through this, but you have justice on your side.

Yes he seems very pro the idea of a shiny new girlfriend, and very keen on manufacturing a rift between the two of you.

I’m sorry to hear this. There’s clearly something going on with him but you won’t be able to move past this unless he’s prepared to have an honest and respectful conversation with you, and for you both to listen to each others perspective.

From your perspective his ‘dictating’ to you what you will and won’t do is obviously highly disrespectful. It could be down to him being worried he’s going to lose his friendship and that you asking him to choose you and your friend over his. You clearly judge his friend, and perhaps he doesn’t want to hear that. Maybe his mate has given him his version of events with his cheating and he can ‘see his side’ and that it was a means to an end - not right of course but he understands why his friend did it but you are unwilling to see any other side of the story because of your loyalty to your friend.

Of course it could be that he’s seen that there is life after marriage and he’s had his eyes open to the normalisation of meeting someone new - rather than seeing this as a major issue, he sees it as an opportunity.

I think you need to have an honest conversation without blame or recrimination - you both need to really listen to each other and that includes you. Maybe you can then get to a place where you don’t judge him for having his friend in his life but he respects that you don’t want his friend in your life.
One of you needs to break the statemate though, I’d say go him something like:

Can we talk tonight / after dinner etc.? I’m feeling really hurt and disconnected from you right now and I really don’t understand how we’ve got here or what is going on with you but we can’t keep avoiding this.
I want us to both listen and try and understand each others point of view because I know we see this situation differently. I’m also worried there’s something else going on that you’re not being honest with me about.