I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

[DancingDucks]

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

I do understand that it's been a while since he left my friend, but she's only just getting to the point that she can talk about it without crying. It's still very raw to her and she would feel so betrayed by me (and I understand this), if I suddenly buddied up with his new woman. And I literally can't bear to be near the man who did that to her.

To be clear, I 100% think you have every right NOT to want to see this person. I'm saying I can sort of see why HE thinks you shoudl be over it. But I don't understand why, even if he thinks that, he is being so disrespecful of a choice you are making.

It smacks of deep seated misogyny (I am Man. I must Be Obeyed). Or some extra bit of information you haven't seen yet - a plan to all go away on a two week trip, a new businss partnership, your DH telling his friend things that aren't true about his ex etc etc etc.

Ah just as I thought, his mate is with a younger woman. Honestly it would almost be funny if it weren’t so depressing how predicable these cheating middle aged men are.

I’m sure your partner is watching him call the shots in the shiny new relationship with younger woman and he’s trying to get the same dynamic going in his. But clearly you aren’t having it - and rightly so.

It’s odd that he tried to involve your daughter, but glad she has your morals and it backfired. It’s like he was trying to encourage your family to gang up on you. I wonder who he will try and enlist next? He sounds like a bully at this point.

I’d be bloody furious at him trying to get back up from your DD too.

I also thought that he’d mistakenly agree to go and just assumed that you’d be happy to casually discard your DFriend because it no longer suited, just like his BF had done with her. In fact he probably didn’t even give it that much thought.

He dogged determination not to see your point of view and just expect you to fall on with his wishes is just bizarre and i too would he wondering if he too is having an affair and is looking for a
convenient reason to end the relationship.

It must be so bloody hard though, me and DH have been together a similar length of time abd you don’t expect such a radical change in behaviour after that amount of time.

Well I wouldn’t be too happy spending time with a Woman who was happy to shag her new BF in his current wife’s bed whilst their DC were in bed either.

Neither of them are showing themselves to be people of want to be around.

I do hope your dd gave him both barrels! Would he have felt better if you attended the meal and told his friend and chum what you think of the way they behaved? Even granted that relationships can breakdown, there is no excuse for crass cruelty and your friend has been treated badly.

There's a few people commenting about discussing this with him and questions you should ask and things you could say to make him think but I wouldn't do that at all.

No one should need that to be spoon-fed to them like they're someone from another planet who doesn't understand right and wrong.

Wow...trying to enrol your DD to berate you too OP?! So so pleased it backfired on him. I doubt he'll realise that maybe he was in the wrong though; he'll just double down because there is something more afoot here...

I'm so pleased you stood your ground and didn't go. He's being an absolute arsehole.

Do you think the penny dropped when he heard your DD's reaction?

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

Imagine thinking it was ok to essentially tell your daughter that he ordered you to do something and you disobeyed him and then made out you were wrong.

I’m thinking this as well. Or, at the very least, if he had any thoughts of doing something similar, it may have shown him that it wouldn’t simply be accepted without question by your DC, which might be something that hadn’t occurred to him previously.

I’d be wanting to know exactly who the fuck he thought he was ordering you to do anything.

@DancingDucks

I think you're absolutely right to refuse to meet this woman. In fact, maybe if more people would act as you do then maybe some cheaters might think twice before embarking on something they knew would ostracize them.

As far as your DH, well, I think it's that stupid 'Bro Code' that says (pardon the misogyny) 'bros before 'hos'. He's showing his loyalty to his friend comes before his loyalty to you. Well, turn the tables on that! If he wants it to be 'bros before 'hos' then it's also going to be 'sisters before misters' and you'll be supporting your friend just like he's supporting his.

I can’t, because he is saying his friendship trumps her friendship even though his friend is the cheating fucker and her friend is the victim here.

Telling your daughter is a whole new low, and way below the belt. He was trying to involve her directly in your disagreement with the purpose of getting her on his side/turning her against you! Sadly this is a glimpse of how he now feels towards you. There’s complete disregard for you and your relationship. Your daughter is just a pawn to him. If life took a downturn for you, it doesn’t sound as though he’d be on your side. His behaviour also suggests he’ll hold a grudge against you long term.

He has zero respect for you and his child. How sad and what a waste of family life. A little bit of compromise from both side goes a long way, but if he refuses even that….

It would definitely be sensible to organise those duck in case you ever need them.
I really hope this can be resolved for all your sakes.

@DancingDucks OP did your daughter saying that to him not make him feel that perhaps he is in the wrong?? whose friend was it originally, just as a matter of interest?

Just had a thought @DancingDucks is he a bit of a Beta to the cheating bastards Alpha?

Might explain why he is so desperate for you to back him up....he wants to prove that he is an Alpha too.

If he totally fawns on CB and doesnt like saying no to him, when you shone a bright light on CB's behaviour and made his hero look bad, he needed to find someone about whom he could say "Even DD thinks you should have come!!". I am so glad that you have done such a good job bringing her up that she stood by her morals. I wonder if that will have done more to bring him up short, as a daughter telling her father he is being a dick will often have more impact than a wife telling a husband (sadly).

I find the wording of your initial post a bit strange, it sounds like you had a falling out over something, that's not terribly unusual in a long marriage but you call it a deal breaker. Surely you wouldn't end a marriage over this unless it's just a reflection of other stuff going on.

I'm with you on the dinner, I think dh is being unfair and he should respect your decision. I also think in the circumstances he should be able to say to his pal and new woman that you felt you couldn't come because of the difficult situation, and that you need more time, i would expect they should understand.

All that said, I don't think your friend gets to tell you who you can and cannot spend time with, I know you say it's your choice but you need to think about how long this will go on. What if they stay together long term, will you still feel like this in 5 years? What if they get married? At what point will you accept this woman as Dhs friends partner. Your friend's emotions aren't necessarily an indication of the extent of his wrong doing. He did what he did and his wrong is the same if your friend was back dating and happy with life or if she stays devastated for the next 10 years and never leaves the house again.

Given that you can both see how devastating a break up can be I think its crazy to let another couple's woes permanently damage and possibly ruin your own relationship. I think maybe a timeline would help? If they are still together at Christmas/ next Summer you will meet her. Work on a compromise.

It sounded like a lot more than a falling out, he was trying to force her to do something she didn't want to do, she said he was so angry and that it was like talking to someone she didn't know.

Since her posts on the first day her update has shown that he booked a table and again tried to order her to go. He then messaged her to say he was let down and embarrassed by her and they haven't spoken since.

So it seems the OPs feeling that this may be a dealbreaker relationship ending issue was correct, it is not a normal disagreement.

And no she doesn't need to think about how long she'd want to avoid being near her DHs friend. Sometimes circumstances will soften previous stances or people naturally move on, doesn't mean that you have to sit down in advance and work out how long you want to not be near them for.

She is not letting another couples woes permanently damage and ruin her relationship, it's the fact that her husband decided to dictate her that is the issue and order her around, what led to that doesn't matter.

I wouldn't be compromising on meeting the OW either. Her husband needs to know that what he did is not ok, ever. He's also now got his daughter involved and I'm sure OP doesn't want her to think that a man dictating orders to her is ok, and that if you don't follow them that you must appease him in some other way.

He is treating his wife like garbage because she won't have dinner with his friend and the OW. He berated her and was nasty and involved their daughter! He can fuck off with who he wants to be friends with. OP doesn't have to put up with his bullshit. The only reason to go would be to tell them both what disgusting trash they are. I would have gone to the dinner and done just that and left. She owes them nothing but her H owes her his loyalty. She doesn't ever have to accept them as a couple, not ever. She shouldn't be expected to compromise standing by her friend and her own morals. Many people chose not to associate with cheaters. Her H is an dick thinking his friends and this woman's feeling are more important than his wife's. I would think twice about my DH staying besties with a cheating dickhead and acting like he is some kind of prince I should bow down to. Fuck that.

This is a huge husband problem and he is showing you who he is. If the situation never came up before you would have no idea how he would react. It happened and he is siding with a cheater at the expense of his marriage. He is causing his own marriage woes and I would put him out of his misery.That is a deal breaker and I would be getting my ducks in a row. He has shown you who he is loyal to and it isn't you.

Tell me you have been the other woman etc

He can’t see how devastating a break up could be- he doesn’t give a shit about the devastated friend, and is still mates with his friend who’s happily shacked up with his affair partner. Maybe break ups look amazing to him… hopefully realising his kids are judging him helps him see some reality.

It's not the dinner causing the breakup. It's OP's DH attitude that he has the right to command and control her wishes and feelings and can railroad her into actions she doesn't consent to, blaming OP for the consequential embarrassment when she is "disobedient". That's a deep set misogyny which isn't going to melt away if this particular disagreement is resolved.

WTF? OP has said that she doesn't want to meet her and that is her decision to make. Time won't make the behaviour of OP's friend's husband and the other woman any more acceptable or palatable. They had sex in her friends house when the children were there. Time isn't some magical do-over that makes them any less despicable.

The thing damaging OP's relationship is her husband inability to accept that she can make her own decisions and doesn't have to have dinner with the two people that have destroyed her friend's life. She isn't telling him not to go, she's just saying that she won't.

OP's friend has supported OP through bereavement and cancer. That is a really big deal. OP's DH has also tried to get their daughter on his side. This backfired spectacularly though as his daughter thinks he is completely in the wrong.

When your daughter told him how wrong he was here, did he start to reflect on that? Is he realising, at all, that demanding you maintain a friendship with this man and his new girlfriend is totally wrong?