I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

[DancingDucks]

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

I think he's showing what his morals are.

My exes best friend walked out on his wife and got with a colleague immediately. A bit of an overlap I reckon. I remember saying to my ex how awful his friend had acted and my ex was quite nonchalant about the whole thing. Said that his friend is now single and can do whatever he liked. I was shocked at my exes response as he had always been the good guy, so I thought he would think his friends behaviour had been poor as well.

Well, it turns out that he did the exact same thing to me a couple of years later. So I guess he was showing me then what his moral standards were.

So yeah, my point is that he's shown you what his morals are, so you know that he'd probably be capable of the same. And I agree, wouldn't be going out together with this horrible pair.

I think I'd laugh in his face tbh. And exactly where is his 'respect' for you and your wishes?🤔

Have you asked him how he would feel if your BF had ditched her DH (his BF) and you now wanted the 4 of you to socialise with the OM she had the affair with? Would he honestly, hand on heart, be happy to go out with the new bloke, knowing his BF was heartbroken? I very much doubt it.

Highly likely your DH knew about the affair all along too...and he wants your respect?! 😳I think not.

Tell him you are loyal to him. But being loyal to him does not involve spending time with a cheating twat who has dumped his wife and kids, or his new woman.

@DancingDucks Using the word 'loyalty' here is pure manipulation. He doesn't need you to 'stand by him'. He is asking you to 'stand by his friend'.

It isn't loyalty he is asking for - it is obedience.

Your friend is in situation where she does need your loyalty.

If you had to go along with him - you would probably have to replace the friend's name with 'Lying-Cheating-bastard' throughout the meal.

Your DH would be 'Dear-Friend of Lying-Cheating-Bastard' all night too.

(The OW is clearly 'Soon to be cheated on Lynda')

Not that unusual a situation, sadly. In my experience the men carry on seeing their mate and they all have to accept that the couple’s socialising thing isn’t happening anymore. He just becomes another friend they see without wives being involved. Loyalty to friend aside for a moment, you don’t need your husband to set up play dates with his mates new woman, you can choose your own friends

He’s weird - does he think he’s your king or something with the loyalty demand? You have a right to your own values and beliefs and to live by them.

DH trying to force you to meet with an adulterer and his partner would make me question his motives. Maybe he doesn’t see adultery as a bad thing.

I would tell him that his insistence on this front is making you question who he as a partner and that he either drops this matter now or he loses your respect.

Absolutely this!

It’s quite normal after a divorce for friends to take sides, especially if one of them has cheated.

@Orangemintcream
Given he kept seeing the male friend even before this to says a lot about your DHs morals.

Completely agree.You are the company you keep.

I think he has already told his friend that the four of you will go to dinner, and he's trying to brow beat you into it so he doesn't have the embarrassment of backing out and explaining why. Either way it shows where his loyalities and priorities lie.

Why has your loyalty to be with him and his friend but his not with you and your friend ie the wronged party? I would be as pissed off as you are. You've done everything right and fairly in supporting your friend and making no demands of your husband over his but he's not doing the same and is massively overstepping in his attitude towards you.

It’s ridiculous that their relationship issues are now causing issues in your own relationship.

Tell DH that he is free to see whoever he wants but you will not be attending, just like you wouldn’t expect him to see your friend if he didn’t want to.

Tell him that you won’t have someone else’s relationship impacting your own and that he needs to respect your decision and drop it.

He can see his friend if he wants to, but you don't have to.

"Loyalty" to him does not - and I cannot emphasise the NOT strongly enough - mean doing exactly what he wants, all the time. That wouldn't be "loyalty" - it would be OBEDIENCE without question.

Good on you! Stick by your friend and don't be intimidated into having dinner with people you don't want to.

So your DH expects you to go and play nice so it doesn't mess with his friendship but doesn't give a thought to yours. It's a horrible mix of selfishness and mysoginy Op, he hasn't given a thought to your DFs feelings, he just doesn't want to tell the truth and say you have no interest in seeing them.
It's weird how some men think you'll get on with the OW as if all female friendships are trivial, you'll just talk make up and clothes and get on just fine. Tell him to stick it Op, whose he to judge loyalty when he doesn't know the meaning of the word

It almost sounds as though your DH knew about the other woman, given how close he is to the friend, and how ready he is to carry on with him and her.

I would be tempted to go and to give them both a piece of my mind, spoil the evening, make him and her feel like the shits they are. Tell them that the only reason I'm there is because my DH is forcing me to be, and that going forward, i hope they know, that no decent person would want to socialise with them by choice. But appreciate that a dignified silence is probably the correct way to go

I wouldn’t be going for dinner either.
I would be civil to the man but I wouldn’t see him socially. Your DH can continue to if he wants but you definitely don’t need to be complicit in socially accepting the new woman or condoning the man’s shitty behaviour!

It’s not being disloyal to him if you don’t go out for dinner with someone he accepts as a friend but you don’t. I just can’t see the argument for that. Surely you are allowed to make the call that you don’t want to socialise with someone whose behaviour you find abhorrent, it’s not like you’re trying to stop him from going. And no way should he be trying to lay down the law about your moral choices, that’s not on at all!

i really don’t think @DancingDucks is the unreasonable one here.

By that sentiment his loyalty should be to you and he should not ask you to do something you don’t want to.

His attitude stinks. Tell him to go om his own.

Your husband is an utter prick. I don't think I'd be able to forgive the way he's behaving.

It also occurs to me that your DH is probably being fed some sob story by his friend. "Oh, my ex had become distant/ we never had sex/ you only saw the good times but the things she used to say behind closed doors/ I didn't mean for this to happen but Mary just fell into my life and I wish everyone could be happy for me / having got divorced is reall ymessing with me financially/ my ex is taking me to the cleaners / my ex is alienating me from the children etc etc etc

So what might be happening here as well is that he, on some level, thinks that you should not be supporting your friend at all? But should be being more understandingng of his friend.

He's still wrong, even if this IS happening, but it add some context?

You sound like an incredible friend, stick to your guns. It will mean a lot to your friend and your husband will (should) understand!

We were in an identical situation 5/6 years ago. It really split our friendship group.