Best friend who ghosted me 5 years ago just got in touch….

[SeeItSayItShutIt]

And I’m not sure how to feel (have name changed)

5 years ago, my best friend for decades, just stopped returning my calls. I posted about it on here under another name because it was so out of character that at first I thought he might have died or been in hospital unconscious! We were the type of friends who spoke every week and had done for probably 25/30 years (we are in our 50s, met at university).

People were split between not constantly reaching out and reaching out - I gave it one more go after a few weeks and he picked up the phone, heard my voice and hung up. I assumed it was something I had done (though I genuinely couldn’t figure it out) and that was that.

Im not going to lie, it has been painful missing him. I’m not on social media but we are both on LinkedIn and connected. He posts every few months. I had got over it now but always wondered what went on.

He reached out today to apologise and wants to meet. I can tell that he’s lost his job and I suspect he’s in a difficult place. The cynic in me says he’s only reaching out now because he needs something.

WWYD in my shoes. My heart wants to run towards him and welcome him back. My head says don’t you’ll get hurt again.

I remember you OP. I’m so sorry this happened to you. People who ghost are another level of humanity, that’s for sure.

It happened to me. After a long time, like yours they agreed to meet. We had an ok coffee, it was very light and almost like meeting someone I didn’t know for the first time. Still we hugged at the end and laughed about seeing each other again soon.

Two days later I got a very cold message saying it had confirmed everything she thought about me (which obviously since she had ghosted me, I didn’t really know) and she never wanted to see me again, it was apparently simply too painful. 😣

I say don’t go. Let bygones be bygones. Wish him well but just don’t do it to yourself.

Absolutely do not entertain this. He clearly has issues and wasn’t a friend so why bother now. You’ll only get hurt

Nope! And that’s a full sentence
just no!

I cut a lot of people off when I was experiencing mental health difficulties during my twenties. Eventually too much time had passed to re-establish relationships.

My best friend ghosted me when she moved to Australia. Almost 10 years later, I got the random urge to message her and ask what had gone wrong.
Long story short, she had regretted it for years but felt like she didn't have the right to get in touch because of her poor behaviour.
We met up, she explained what happened and apologised unreservedly. 2 years later she's back in my life full time. We speak weekly, we've been on a long weekend and have a week away planned.
Meet him. The worst that can happen is that you decide to move on for good. But at least you'll know. I don't know about you, but for me it was like a break up. I needed to know one way or the other.

I would meet up and be over the top friendly and make loads of plans with him for the future and leave with a warm hug and ‘I’m so glad you hit back in touch!’

Then I would walk off into the sunset and ghost the fucker except for allowing one phone call upon which I would hear his voice and hang up and then block block blockety block on everything.

Why not arrange a call first? See how the chat goes. Defo say “I was upset you have only just got in touch- why did you go quiet after so many years of friendship?” See how he responds.

Minimal investment. Enough time to sniff out a rat.

This is awful!

Perfect

Anything he wants to say he can say over the phone or on message. I wouldn't bother putting myself out to go and meet with someone I hadn't seen in 5 years and who had treated me like this.

Was going to say something along these lines, I think give them a hearing before you decide without doubt it's beyond forgiveness, see what they have to say? That's only the first step, then once you've listened you can decide or your next step

If you like him, loved him, I would meet. You can always walk away and you've been the bigger person.You say he is not a 'user' type person so you might re-connect and be glad you did. At least you can find out what happened and put your own ghosts to rest if you decide not to see him again. He's reached out and I believe in occasionally giving second chances if it feels right. I knew someone who I thought I would never see again, but I have reconnected. Who among us is perfect?

Wants money or help getting a new job now that the chips are down.

I was ghosted by one of my best friends- no explanation/ nothing. I will never know why she did this and it was extremely painful.
If she reached out, I would meet once for closure and to explain how she made me feel and then never meet her again. I could never ever trust her so what would be the pont?

I would totally want to know why he did it. That’s all I’d go for.

Following because I'm in a similar position with a very old male friend who just ghosted me a couple of years ago for no apparent reason. I am not sure how I'd react if he got back in touch now. I too think I'd expect some kind of explanation before I committed to meeting up. As it stands I am happy to leave things as they are unless he gets in touch with a very good reason for why he treated me like that.

People like that don't deserve your time.

id want an explanation first-wont it be awkward if he just carries on like nothing happened

I would say it’s more than likely the girlfriend made him stop contacting you. She may have been very controlling.

This happened to me. After not speaking to me for almost a year, she reached out for a work related favour which I helped out with. The. I never heard from her again for almost 3 years and received a text last Christmas.

My heart says meet up but everything in me has given up on the friendship. A huge part of me wants to know what happened though so maybe go if you want to get some closure. It sounds like you are itching to know- so go.

I ghosted my friends about ten years ago, and still feel awful.

Could he have had a mental health problem back then when he cut you off?

I'm not trying to make excuses but I feel like I could have been him.

I had a kind of breakdown when I was 24, got rid of my phone for ten + years, left my job, left my studies, told my parents to never answer the door, i ran away if anyone rang the doorbell, didn't leave the house ever, even to put the bins to the end of my drive. it really was awful. I felt everything was a threat. That's the quick version.

I'm slowly messaging these friends back now, thank God they want to still speak. Even though I was so unwell, and not right still, I'm so glad they still care, and I'm hoping now we're older I can try and explain it was never anything they did. This was completely me.

Ooh now I've written that down I feel even worse. I was so poorly at the time I couldn't have even started to explain what was wrong, I didn't know.

Given you suspect the new girlfriend 5 years ago may have had something to do with it - maybe she was jealous and controlling and cut everyone out of his life, and now she's gone - it would be worth meeting up to see where things are now, and what he has to say. Even if only to put the ghosts to rest, so to speak.

I’d certainly hear him out

Every male friend I have ever had, this happened with. I don’t befriend males now that I am married and so I do understand it to a point even if it’s a shame. And these were long standing friendships, no romantic history, nothing ever inappropriate at all etc.
I don’t even think it’s always the girlfriend causing the end of friendships. So many men drop female friends as soon as they have a girlfriend because all the needs they had met by the friend (attention, women tend to be better listeners, more empathy etc) is now coming from the girlfriend. I have to say I don’t feel I’m missing out by now only having female friends.