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Original poster

2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

444 replies

ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 08:29

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Birdsinginginthetrees · 15/06/2025 15:52

Bamboolampsandscandichairs · 15/06/2025 14:59

Please don’t do this. It’s not fair, they need the same treatment.

And if OP pulls the older 2 out of their private school, away from their friends, in the interest of ‘fairness’, how do you think they will feel?

Theroadt · 15/06/2025 15:54

Treat them equally, take the hit to your “lifestyle”

Theroadt · 15/06/2025 15:56

HPFA · 15/06/2025 13:17

Kids from comprehensives do go onto great universities and jobs, in case anyone's thinking that you can go only go state if it's a grammar.

I don’t disagree, but that’s not really what OP is agonising about.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education Private schooling
Psychologymam · 15/06/2025 15:56

Walkaround · 15/06/2025 12:33

The OP has said that the older two are a boy and a girl, not two boys. The decision is purely a financial one - to downsize the house and forgo holidays, or to maintain lifestyle and younger one go to the state school. The OP thinks the state school would actually have been fine for all three of them, but can’t take back the fact she thought the private school was nevertheless better and was willing to pay a lot of money out to ensure the older children went to it.

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Ah thanks for that. I think if it’s a purely financial choice, you need to treat all children equally. And it’s not like the increases in fees weren’t predictable.

Flashahah · 15/06/2025 15:57

Birdsinginginthetrees · 15/06/2025 15:52

And if OP pulls the older 2 out of their private school, away from their friends, in the interest of ‘fairness’, how do you think they will feel?

Show quote history

But she said they were doing this anyway?

TheDenimMember · 15/06/2025 15:58

I find it interesting that the OP has not disclosed the sex of the older two children. I therefore assume they are both boys. If finance is so tough she could have withdrawn the one currently in year 9 before starting GCSE but refuses to consider doing so. When I was at college in the 1980s one of my friends came from a family where all the boys were sent to private school but her dad openly said 'the comprehensive is good enough for girls'. It was clearly not a healthy family dynamic and I often wondered what happened long term.

Theroadt · 15/06/2025 15:59

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/06/2025 08:38

you said your dc3 is a girl, are your older two also girls? (Just there does seem to be a trend to “only send the child who needs it” to private school - often because they are lazy /unmotivated etc and it’s often the one who “needs” expensive education is a boy and the one who doesn’t is a girl.)

Anyway, if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. If you can, but would have to have a lower standard of living, then you should treat them all the same. Have you investigated if there’s cheaper private schools nearby? You might have to tell the older ones you can’t do private for 6th form for them. (So everyone gets y7-11). Have you asked about discounts / help if you have more than one dc in the same school?

Wow. That is a sweeping generalusation! I sent my first son private because he was severely dyslexic. In terms of what was in offer in the state sector where we were living (inner London) that was totally thd right decision. Second son doesn’t “need” private ed as he is NT, but we had to treat them equally. We can barely afford it, frankly.

Flashahah · 15/06/2025 16:00

TheDenimMember · 15/06/2025 15:58

I find it interesting that the OP has not disclosed the sex of the older two children. I therefore assume they are both boys. If finance is so tough she could have withdrawn the one currently in year 9 before starting GCSE but refuses to consider doing so. When I was at college in the 1980s one of my friends came from a family where all the boys were sent to private school but her dad openly said 'the comprehensive is good enough for girls'. It was clearly not a healthy family dynamic and I often wondered what happened long term.

She has disclosed quite some time ago

one of each

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/06/2025 16:02

EnidSpyton · 15/06/2025 15:25

@ParmaVioletTea Not if it's explained to the child.

'In 2024, the law changed on the status of private schools which means the fees are now 20% higher. That means we need to find an extra £8k to pay your fees compared to what we had to pay for your brother and sister and very sadly we just don't have that extra money. As much as we love and value you just as much as we love your brother and sister, things have changed since we chose to send them to that school and if the school had been as expensive as it is now, we would never have sent them there in the first place and you would all have gone to state school.

You might be wondering why we're not going to take your brother and sister out of that school to go to the same one that you're going to be going to, as it's free. The reason why we're going to keep them there for now is because they're both doing exams and it's not possible to find them a place in a different school at this point in their education. If they were in Year 7 or Year 8 things would be different, but as things are, we don't want to risk them not being able to pass their exams, so we're kind of stuck with them being at the school for now. We'll be taking your brother and sister out of the other school as soon as they've finished their exams.

We want you to understand that this is nothing to do with you not being worth as much as your siblings, it's just the fact that we had no idea this law change was coming when we chose that school 5 years ago and we haven't been able to find the extra money to cover your fees as well. We've done everything we can think of to try, and we could sell the house to do it, but on balance we've decided it's better for you to go to a very good local state school with your friends, stay in your home, and be able to have extra money for as many classes and fun things you might want to do after school or at the weekend. We want you to have all the advantages we can afford and we're so sorry that things have worked out like this. It was our dream to send you all to that school but with this new law, we just can't make it work.'

The youngest child needs to understand that life isn't fair, that circumstances change, and sometimes they are not going to get exactly the same as their siblings, but that doesn't mean they're not as loved.

Over the course of a childhood, a redundancy, illness or separation can all hugely impact on family finances and mean that some children get things their siblings don't, dependent on how old they were at the time of these events happening. It is totally unreasonable to expect that every child in every family will get exactly the same as each other when life can be unpredictable. That's the ideal, of course - but it can't always be the reality. Sometimes life throws curveballs. What's key is that the child has things explained to them so that they understand why they're not getting the same, and that it doesn't mean they are loved any less.

That's a lot of words to say you haven't realised the costs will be no more than the fees for the current two for one year and less every year after that.

TheDenimMember · 15/06/2025 16:06

Flashahah · 15/06/2025 16:00

She has disclosed quite some time ago

one of each

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My apologies. I did read all the OPs posts but clearly missed it. I've just read again and you are completely right.

ParmaVioletTea · 15/06/2025 16:07

The OP thinks the state school would actually have been fine for all three of them, but can’t take back the fact she thought the private school was nevertheless better and was willing to pay a lot of money out to ensure the older children went to it.

Agreed, @Walkaround - and that's what makes her unwillingness NOT to pay a lot of money for her youngest so unreasonable & unfair.

I'm the eldest of 6, the first 5 born within 7 years of each other, with more of a gap to the youngest. We're all very close as adults, but my youngest sibling does feel that they missed out on a lot because my parents were pretty done with child-rearing and we other siblings had started to grow up and away. My youngest sib is the most balanced and reasonable of us all, but she does feel that she missed out on some things we took for granted (although school wasn't it - my parents were both public school educated, so sent us to local bog-standard not-quite-sink comps)

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 15/06/2025 16:07

Your youngest child has had to live the frugal life you decided on living so you could send the oldest two to private school.

Now you are saying when it's her turn to benefit from the reason why she has grown up living that frugal life for the benefit of others, the cost is too high so she loses out again.

Great way to destroy sibling relationships long term and to make your youngest child resentful.

Even if she thinks right now she wants to be with her friends, in years to come she will see the lost opportunities she is too young to know might even exist that her siblings got to have and she was denied.

You have known you have 3 children for years.
Why haven't you been planning for these costs all along?

Duechristmas · 15/06/2025 16:13

We did this, it worked out fine. There's no resentment. They are all very different kids with different ambitions. Last child definitely didn't get the push the others got academically but she's laid back and fun and still taking the university path.

tralalal · 15/06/2025 16:16

Of course you can do this. Times change. As you said, the state school is good it’s not a big deal.

Amandahot · 15/06/2025 16:17

I wouldn't send my kids to private school even if I could afford it. All 3 should go to state school x

Werp · 15/06/2025 16:25

In older threads you seem to have multiple teenage sons - seems like one has conveniently changed gender for this conversation

fussychica · 15/06/2025 16:49

WTF. Do not do this, your child will land up hating you, especially if things go badly for them academically
You made your choices with the first two, now you'll have to suck up a lifestyle change to give the third child the same opportunity.

TheDenimMember · 15/06/2025 17:03

Werp · 15/06/2025 16:25

In older threads you seem to have multiple teenage sons - seems like one has conveniently changed gender for this conversation

Interesting.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 15/06/2025 17:11

Definitely not (as I am sure all of the others are saying). Growing up, I knew two girls who had brothers who were sent to private while they went to state with us other plebs. But it’s not about that so much as that it is wrong to treat them differently. It will affect their relationship with their siblings.

SallySooo · 15/06/2025 17:17

@ThirstyMeeplesi think you mention above ‘’a bright child will do well anywhere’’. This comment is surprising when you’ve been funding school fees?!

and no - it is not as simple as a bright child will do well anywhere. A bright child with the extra support that a private school offers, eg more one to one time with teachers etc etc will do better at a private school. I say this as someone who was state school educated with just one final year (second year of a-level) at private. My children will go to state as we can’t afford to send all of them private

Junoornotjuno · 15/06/2025 20:10

In April you had 2 teenage boys.

Araminta1003 · 15/06/2025 20:22

OP do you regret sending the older two to private school, in hindsight, given all that you know now and how prices have gone up? If you were to go back in time, would you make a different decision? I think if the answer is yes, then you are justified in not sending the youngest. However, if the answer is no, then maybe you send them for years 9-11, if they are keen to do so at the time.

ungratefulcat · 15/06/2025 20:24

Junoornotjuno · 15/06/2025 20:10

In April you had 2 teenage boys.

This kind of thread stalking and "outing" is mean.
I often change slight details either for simplicity or to make it harder to recognise a situation in real life.

hunting through old threads is bad form.

Junoornotjuno · 15/06/2025 20:27

ungratefulcat · 15/06/2025 20:24

This kind of thread stalking and "outing" is mean.
I often change slight details either for simplicity or to make it harder to recognise a situation in real life.

hunting through old threads is bad form.

Show quote history

I usually agree but I do think it’s relevant that the OP had the money to send her DS’s to private school and now seems unprepared to pay for her DD.

TheDenimMember · 15/06/2025 21:09

Junoornotjuno · 15/06/2025 20:27

I usually agree but I do think it’s relevant that the OP had the money to send her DS’s to private school and now seems unprepared to pay for her DD.

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Absolutely relevant in this case. I got taken to task up thread because I guessed the two older children were boys and someone pointed out that the OP is saying on this thread that it is one boy and one girl. The OP probably won't come back but I think people should be consistent if they want to be taken seriously.