2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

I wonder how many of those saying you can't do this, they must all have the exact same thing, have actually got experience of this? Or experience of state school and private school?

I have experience of ALL THREE and think it is totally fine.

There are lots of things that can be done to balance things out - maybe DC3 gets to go on the skiing trip etc.

It's also the case that when DC3 goes to secondary, DC1 will be in state 6th form and DC2 doing GCSEs. There's very little cross-over which will make it easier.

Absolutely do not take DC1 and 2 out before exams - that would provide immense cause for resentment. Exam years are not when you should move any child.

In terms of the PP who said it would be unfair to fund DC3's uni as that will cause resentment with DC1 and 2 who might have preferred that. Maybe bank the current fees money so that all of them graduate debt free. Then everyone benefits from the switch to state because you have been able to save over the years.

You should watch the most recent race across the world. There were brothers on it where one attended private school and one attended state school.

see weather it is something you want for your children

If the state school is good enough for your 3rd, then it's certainly good enough for your eldest. Whatever you do, you can't financially favour them over DC3

I totally agree with you on that.

But what I’m trying to say is. I didn’t feel like I was less valid / important because they didn’t pay for my education.

We have many friends whose kids are split between state and private (we are not in the UK) but this is really more down to the school being suitable for the child, boarding preferences and the child’s desire rather than finances.

I went to a very small private school for a few years until it shuts down. Because it was so small two year groups would have the same teacher and they'd run a two year curriculum. The older half of the class would move up at the end of the year and a new younger half would start.

In my last year there I was in the younger half, and my best friend was in the older half. She had a younger sister who was my age and I ended up close friends with them both.

The younger sister went to the local primary while the older was in private. It caused so much resentment between them that I basically had to pick which friend to visit each time I went round as they hated each other. The older sister having more time off (two weeks at half term and an 8 week summer) would cause screaming tantrums in the younger sister every time she has to go to school while her sister stayed home.

It utterly ruined their relationship and even now in their mid thirties they don't speak. In their teens the fights turned physical and the parents ended up separating just to have two separate houses to keep the girls apart (they got back together once they'd moved out).

There were a few other stories similar at that school of brothers being angry too since it was a girl's only school. I've never seen a case where it didn't cause resentment between siblings honestly.

It may become the reason for the children feel resentful as they grow up. You send 2 but not the 3rd because it will impact your lifestyle. Is that a fair argument? How much pressure will be on the 3rd to “prove” to you they didn’t need the private education.

If you genuinely can't afford an extra set of private school fees then there's no choice is there? Was the youngest one in prep or state primary?

Does child want to go to the same school as siblings? Are there decent state schools locally where their friends might go?

I personally wouldn't choose to send my kids to private school, but maybe pulling the other two out would be more disruptive than having the third one just start secondary at a new school?

But if they want to go there then it could build resentment that they can't when their siblings did.

Well, it didn't in my family 🤷‍♀️

Maybe because my parents taught me and my sibling not to be entitled brats and actually have some empathy and understanding that parent's' circumstances change. Also, the grass is not always greener at a private school. I liked my state school and actually my A-level (equivalent as we were abroad) grades were slightly better than my brother's. For uni, I did Law at UCL and he did Engineering at Queen Mary (although later did his Masters at Cambridge but that had nothing to do with his school but his exam results at uni).

Please don’t do this. It’s not fair, they need the same treatment.

I have a friend who's older brother was sent to private school (and thence to Oxford) whilst he went to state school, and didn't finish university. As it turns out, my friend the younger brother is far more successful, with a rewarding career and a happy family, whilst the older brother is single, unemployed and now lodges in his spare room.
Nevertheless, I see my friend a few times a year and I would say the subject of how his elder brother was 'favoured' by his parents' choices crops up every other time.
My friend is 56.

Maybe because my parents taught me and my sibling not to be entitled brats and actually have some empathy and understanding that parent's' circumstances change.

But in this case @ThirstyMeeples has totally rejected pulling her elder two DC out of private school.

It's just her youngest DC who's going to bear the brut of the family's changed financial circumstances. So only the youngest bears the burden of straitened family finances.

This could well suggest to her in her teens and later life, that sje is of less value to the family. And that @ThirstyMeeples says her DD will cope, could also suggest that she's being punished for being a hard worker and a coper.

It's very very unfair. And a child may see & feel this. She would NOT be an entitled brat if she were to feel this way.

Of course you can do this. You can still offer the 3rd other things I imagine (like tutors and extra non school activities). I am a strong believer that there is a school for each child and as the 3rd is self motivated perhaps they don't actually need private?

No to the last paragraph - for one, they might run out of money again and have yet again spent more money on the older children and left the youngest in debt; and for another, the benefit to the family in that scenario would logically have been greater if no money had ever been spent on school fees, so the youngest won’t automatically think it was fair their older siblings always got the best their parents’ money could buy and they didn’t.

Personally, I would rather have a childhood free of parental concerns over finances, but there is no getting around the fact the youngest gets parents who are worried about finances regardless, due to the expense of educating the older children, and is then the one used to save money to enable the older two to get through their GCSEs.

@ParmaVioletTea Not if it's explained to the child.

'In 2024, the law changed on the status of private schools which means the fees are now 20% higher. That means we need to find an extra £8k to pay your fees compared to what we had to pay for your brother and sister and very sadly we just don't have that extra money. As much as we love and value you just as much as we love your brother and sister, things have changed since we chose to send them to that school and if the school had been as expensive as it is now, we would never have sent them there in the first place and you would all have gone to state school.

You might be wondering why we're not going to take your brother and sister out of that school to go to the same one that you're going to be going to, as it's free. The reason why we're going to keep them there for now is because they're both doing exams and it's not possible to find them a place in a different school at this point in their education. If they were in Year 7 or Year 8 things would be different, but as things are, we don't want to risk them not being able to pass their exams, so we're kind of stuck with them being at the school for now. We'll be taking your brother and sister out of the other school as soon as they've finished their exams.

We want you to understand that this is nothing to do with you not being worth as much as your siblings, it's just the fact that we had no idea this law change was coming when we chose that school 5 years ago and we haven't been able to find the extra money to cover your fees as well. We've done everything we can think of to try, and we could sell the house to do it, but on balance we've decided it's better for you to go to a very good local state school with your friends, stay in your home, and be able to have extra money for as many classes and fun things you might want to do after school or at the weekend. We want you to have all the advantages we can afford and we're so sorry that things have worked out like this. It was our dream to send you all to that school but with this new law, we just can't make it work.'

The youngest child needs to understand that life isn't fair, that circumstances change, and sometimes they are not going to get exactly the same as their siblings, but that doesn't mean they're not as loved.

Over the course of a childhood, a redundancy, illness or separation can all hugely impact on family finances and mean that some children get things their siblings don't, dependent on how old they were at the time of these events happening. It is totally unreasonable to expect that every child in every family will get exactly the same as each other when life can be unpredictable. That's the ideal, of course - but it can't always be the reality. Sometimes life throws curveballs. What's key is that the child has things explained to them so that they understand why they're not getting the same, and that it doesn't mean they are loved any less.

Something which, in the fullness of time, the children might or might not understand.

No. This can't be done. This is not a level playing field for all ur children. They are all in state or all in private.

This is ridiculous! Not every former private school pupil goes to Oxbridge and becomes a lawyer/banker/doctor whilst former state schoolers are all on minimum wage. It's actually an advantage to go to a state school when applying to top universities now.

You can't take a child out of ANY school in Y10 - no school will want them.

Different exam boards, different subject options.

That is how to end up with massive resentment from DC1 - "you screwed up my GCSE exams and made me leave my friends and school because you care more about D3 that you do about me."

With respect if you didn't have siblings how can you know what you would have felt? None of us can really know unless we had that same situation, but I do know that hurts and resentments about my siblings have a particular impact on me which pain or rejection from friends doesn't

This

wow. This is setting the whole family resentment thing up very early.

This will demotivate your youngest. Don't do it. Look at your older kids outgoings and cut back on extras. You will be facing university costs soon so a total overhaul of your finances is needed.

Going against the grain here. I think its fine as long ad they are happy with it. I went to private school for secondary was very musical and got a music scholarship. Neither of my younger siblings did but then neither wanted to. Db1 was really good at sport and the local state school had a football development place so he went there. Db2 wanted to go where all is friends did.. we are all in our 30s and 40s now no resentment at any point from anyone and In fact its all evened out in the end as they have both been financially actually supported by my parents at uni for much longer than me. I think though if she desperately did want to go would be different

Whether children feel resentment will depend on how you present things and what you do to ensure they don't feel 'lesser'.

We sent DD to state, but because we don't pay fees she gets access to opportunities she wouldn't otherwise get. Expensive extra curricular, tutors when needed, she can do school trips, summer schools etc that just would not be an option. There are many ways to make sure things feel balanced.