2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes this. My two went private Seniors and due to circumstances outside my control, the last couple of years were a sleepless nightmare due to finances. They both went to state 6th form as it was impossible to carry on into that dept privately (thankfully they were both tired of the private system by then and wanted the freedom of state 6th). I know a family that has so much money they could probably send ten kids there at the same time and not even notice. Private is very stressful unless you know you are not going to be left vulnerable with the price hikes.

Have you asked your daughter which she would prefer? My parents wanted me to go to private school & l refused.

Kids from comprehensives do go onto great universities and jobs, in case anyone's thinking that you can go only go state if it's a grammar.

I do think state grammers are to an extent equivalent to private. They are very selective and academically the same and they have the same ‘prestigiousness’. I think the Op is taking about private vs state comp which could be amazing (I know my local one is) but also could be pretty bad in terms of behaviour and academics

Don't fucking do that.

They do but people don’t pay money for private school for the academics . They don’t improve any results the children wouldn’t get elsewhere. It is all the extras that you get.

If your 3rd goes on to a more fulfilling and content life that would make for a remarkable social experiment but probably best not to experiment with one’s children.

Regardless, I would be looking with interest at the state of the finances of both the private and state option. You wouldn’t want to make sacrifices to pay fees for a school which then closes down, anyway - as you are clearly aware, disruption to a child who is now settled somewhere is not good. Also, you might not want your child to go to a state school that has just commenced redundancy procedures, stopped offering some subjects, is struggling to recruit teachers in some subjects, and has growing problems with poor behaviour, especially if the private school is still going strong, because then your 3rd child might more readily notice the differences in experience. The fact is, all schools are struggling with vast cost increases unmatched by a correspondingly vast increase in funding.

I agree with past posters. Perhaps enrol your DC3 in year 9 ready for her GCSEs? That way, you can use the years before to save up a little more cash. Also, speak to the school about funding and a potential discount. I'd def not completely remove the opportunity of a private education from DC3. It's just not fair on her and could breed resentment and issues with her self-worth.

I'd still remove all ch from private school prior to the 6th form as at that stage, the state schools should be good enough. There will be minimal issues with behaviour once the children are choosing to be there.

If you want your 3rd child to resent you forever do it

What I think you would find interesting to know is if the people saying no way to doing that - have had children at both state and private.
I have twins - one in state and other in private (for Sen needs). The one in state wanted to go to state as it meant he could walk to school and have local friends - I would threaten him with sending him private if he didn’t keep his grades.
my daughters private is perfect for her as she needs the small class sizes - but I consider my sons state school better educationally, pastorally and facilities wise than her private.
not all private’s are equal - not all states are equal.
I would let your child decide and consider private for 6th form so the opposite to what your two older two are doing now

No, no, no.

You cannot do this.

Your third DC will carry the sense that she was less important than her siblings and your perception of your family's lifestyle.

If you cannot afford it, all 3 DC need to be pulled out of private school. Explain to them that if they want to stay at the school, then there are a series of economies you'll need to make as a family. So no clothes & shoes on tap, or all-inclusive hotel holidays, for example.

This hasn't just happened out of the blue though. It was one of few clear manifesto pledges Labour were talking about well before the election...

If the state is a good one generally and she wants to go there then I would send her. If it was her choice why would she resent it? What if you made her go private and she didn't like it, she's much more likely to resent you then.

Just tell her it's her choice and don't mention money. I think 6th form is when you really need excellent teachers so that's the time I'd be considering private, it seems mad to me to put then in and then pull then out at that point. I'd keep your other two there for 6th form, all their friends will be there and you already made them leave their friends once.

By lifestyle do you mean cannot afford basic bills or you mean non essentials like holidays? Regardless just don’t do it.treat them all the same.

It’s not “unanimous” lots have said it’s not necessarily a binary thing there are nuances in lots of families as to which schools are the right fit at the time.

If only the OP had some warning about timings? Like maybe having the kid and the time to school etc.

OP you will unequivocally ruin your relationship with you third and the dynamics overall with your kids.

Send to state - all of them. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

All the posters saying you can't spend thousands on some children and not the others, and it's so unfair and the younger child will be resentful etc are entirely missing the point.

This isn't about the OP deciding her younger child isn't worth the same as her others, or not wanting to spend the money.

This is about a hugely changing financial climate, the reality that private school fees are now 20% more expensive than they were just one year ago, and what was feasible for the two older children at the time they were in Year 7 now simply isn't feasible for the younger child without needing to sell the family home. (Some people need to read the OPs posts - she has made it clear this will be the outcome if they pay for the younger child to go to the same school).

No sensible parent would surely consider it appropriate for their children's wellbeing to sell their home, reduce the quality of life of all three of their children, and potentially put themselves into debt just for the sake of 'fairness' to the younger child.

It doesn't make sense and the younger child can have this explained to them in a child-friendly way. They will benefit far more from being able to stay in their home, have financially unstretched parents, and the opportunity to do plenty of extracurriculars and enjoy holidays and treats.

A private education is an unnecessary luxury. The younger child is not being denied an education. The drama on this thread is ridiculous.

They can't really afford three sets of private school fees, That's the reality. Not without substantial changes to everyone in the family's way of life.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. There is no real choice in the matter here. Having to sell your house means you can't really afford it, let's face it.

And for those saying pull the other two out now - that's not feasible either. The older one is half way through their GCSEs. You can't just switch schools at that point because there's no guarantee the local state is doing the same exam boards or syllabi, and the child would be at a huge educational disadvantage.

You could take the child in Y9 out now to enter into Y10 at the local state, but it's not guaranteed there would be places - and the problem with that is also everyone would have made their GCSE choices already and there may not be the same options available for this child.

The younger child faces no disadvantage in going to a good quality local state with their friends. They would not be disrupted in any way by this.

The older children would be hugely disadvantaged by being pulled out of a school they are already happy in and are about to finish or start exam courses.

The parents need to make the right choice for ALL their children - and that doesn't mean that all the children will have the same options. That's just the way life is sometimes.

ansd that's hunkdory unless the child says I want to go to private school and the parents say we are not willing to fund it.

"The parents need to make the right choice for ALL their children - and that doesn't mean that all the children will have the same options. That's just the way life is sometimes."
Oh yes that's going to make child 3 feel LOADS better.

In your OP, you said that you sent dcs 1&2 to private school because they weren't very motivated and needed the attention they would get at private school. You also said that dc3 is very motivated. IMO if you decide to send her to the local state school, however good, she could end up feeling as though she is being penalised for having the motivation her siblings lacked and that they were rewarded for it. That would feel very unfair to her. If there was a specific need, for one DC to go private, such as SEND, I don't think anyone would have an issue. But financial reasons and a drop in the number of holidays really doesn't cut it.
I don't have any direct experience of this but one of my parents has two siblings. My parent was sent to the local secondary modern, one sibling passed 11+ but my grandparents couldn't afford the uniform or bus fares, so they couldn't go but a distant relation paid for them to do a city and guilds type qualification once they left school and the youngest sibling also passed the 11+ and was sent to the local grammar school and then university. Even now, in their 70's and 80's, the resentment is very apparent and the elder two have no relationship with the youngest because of it. I find it very sad.

You ought to treat them all the same if possible.

@godmum56

and you think child 3 is going to feel great when they have to leave their home? And when all their rich friends at private school are going on holiday and having fun treats at weekends, they don't get to go and do any of those things?

You have to look at the bigger picture here. Wider quality of life is the choice the parents have to make. They can't help the fact the law changed in between DC1 and 2 going to school and DC 3 going to school, and now said school is 20% more expensive. That's the reality. Child 3 having this explained to them in an appropriate way will understand this is not about being loved less, it's about the fact that something that would have been genuinely affordable a year ago now isn't because of the government's decision to charge VAT on school fees.

@Sara379

what about private uni? Those years are very important. I mean where does it end??? A levels are supposed to be a lot more about independent study and learning so less teaching full stop.

I’ve read all the responses with interest. I feel some people have slightly misunderstood what I’ve asked. I was interested in discussing it and garnering opinions. I think some people have taken it a little too far in saying I should be ashamed for even discussing it.
Thanks for the considered, nuanced views and personal experiences- they have helped the most.
I don’t have anything further really to add to this thread so probably won’t post again.
On a separate note- I find the discussions about fairness and parity (not just related to schooling) very thought provoking.